Freddie and Tally

Last year, in the beginning of August, my petsitting client, Tally, died. The human, not the pet. They had a memorial service for her the other day which I went to. Lots of pictures, people speaking of her and how they knew her, a 15 second video of her going on a very tally like rant about someone. Ok, it was only a few sentences long, but it held about 8 or 9 insults, all with a chuckle and all that were intellectually spoken... no calling someone an idiot.. he was a self righteous, chauvanistic, etc etc etc... anyway, what was said isn't important... what is is that during that video, that very short video... she was alive and in the room again. Which, 3 days later, still has me crying. About 2 weeks after Tally died, I had to put my own cat to sleep. The wonderful Freddie. Sir Fred. Frederic the magnificent. Ferdinand my Ferdinand. I go weeks and weeks perfectly fine. But then all of a sudden I HAVE to have him. And I send out prayer after prayer after hope after hope after message after message to the heavens for him to visit me. I was told once that when you dream of someone passed away that means they are visiting you. The long Island Medium says that when you feel someone... when someone passed suddenly enters your brain... they are visiting you. Is it wrong to try to conjure him? To try to drag him out of what I hope is kitty heaven to come and lay on my hip and purr me to sleep? It seems so horribly selfish, and in all honesty, I'm not sure I actually believe that that's how it works... but it'a how I want it to work. It's how I want to believe. I want him to be at peace and be comfortable and to be frolicking and sun bathing and snuggling in a wonderful, pain and fear free place... but sometimes my own want to feel him is so great that I would call him from that. Does that make me a horrible person? I know tonight I will go to sleep doing it again. And to the people who read this and say... well Duh, look at your life girl... no wonder your freaking crazy... but my life is much different now. I'm happily engaged and will be curled up with my fiance', and I still desperately miss Freddie. Again, not constantly. Not every minute. Not every day or week, or even every month... I think of him often, and like to talk about him when the subject comes up... but I don't need to try to pull him from heaven except for a couple of days every several months. I guess this is just a normal part of grief... but man that knowledge doesn't make it any less real.

Alone and adrift

Kind of feeling lonely and lost at the moment. I've been eating like crazy to try to stave off feelings for like a month now, not good. It started before that, heck, it's been going on my whole life, but then it kind of came to a head and that was like jumping off the dock instead of sliding down a slippery slope. I need to stop eating, I need to exercise. I need to figure out a way to work with these feelings. I need to figure out how I can become content, happy. But can one be content and happy and still strive for self improvement? I feel like thats one of those mind bending/emptying questions, for meditation... like, if a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound, or what came first, the chicken or the egg. Only this is my life,not some arbitrary question to make one's mind go blank. Can you be content with yourself, love yourself, and still strive for self improvement? Can you find the area between being a bitch and a doormat? How come I can't be not a bitch and not a doormat, but I seem to sometimes fall into both at once? Why can't I be content to be alone? I swear, I've been lonely my whole life. I feel so numb, so middle of the road,so average in the not good way. Like... I'm gray. No color, no personality, no fun, no entertainment. I'm so not spontaneous, but I'm also not a planner. Am I the most lazy person on the planet? I mean, like, I can't even get up the umph to be silly and have personality, or to plan things for my life... I just wait for things to fall in my lap, or for others to do things for me, or to give me a huge shove. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??? Nothing in my life was traumatic enough to cause me to be this broken. I don't have any physical scars, people weren't overly mean to me, just the normal level of meanness I guess. It couldn't have been that horrible, right?

My brother, so sweet

so what i wanna say is this... your awesome you always have been and ive never really let you know just how awesome i truely think you are your everything i wanna be when im old  i wanna do all you do i wanna help animals and most of all i wanna make a difference in this world like you have even if it is only in the eyes of a small child coming with their parent to take home a new kitty
in short meg. your the shit

WooT!

I did it I did it! I got back in! Wooohoooo!!

I wish I had Ketchup or some Catsup

I'm having hotdogs as part of my dinner, and I don't have any. They would taste better if I did.

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DGLD&g=0&o=1 Ok, I tried to add this as a full thing, but it wouldn't allow me, so here is just the link to it.

Mandatory "vacation"

I'm on Mandatory Vacation... dun dun dun. Which means that I have 2 weeks off from work. It's paid, cus I have more than 2 weeks paid vacation available. My boss decided that I was suffereing from compassion fatigue... I was kinda like... Duh! I coulda told you that. Heck, I have atleast two sets of notes from two different compassion fatigue and burn out workshops I have been to. But Anyway, apparently to help me get over it, I have to take time off... again, tell me something I don't know... so she did... she said.. "you're going to take off the weeks of the 17th and the 25th". I was like... ohhhhh kay... sure. Well, I'm one week in now, and every day I am tempted to call in, stop by, etc etc. I haven't done it yet though. I do want to go back to work though. I kind of wish I could go back to work tomorrow and then take another week off in 2-3 months. My vacation time doesn't carry over though, and my annual review is sometime next week, so I will lose any unused vacation time at that point. I get 4 weeks every year though, so I really could technically take a week off every 3 months, and I would like to, in theory. I can tell you though, that its been a week, and I've spent a lot of the week thinking about the shelter and making sure that I do NOT contact them. LOL. Another whole week to go now... and far less to do. This past week I watched a lot of movies that I borrowed from someone, and did a lot of cleaning. Well, now my house is pretty clean, and I watched all the movies... so now what? I don't have extra money, so its not like I can go to the movies and the zoo and rollerskating etc, every day. I don't even have cable... so the only thing to watch on tv is soap opera's most of the time. I am sure I will find something to do so I don't go stir crazy, but, the main thing I have to focus on all next week is still NOT contacting the shelter. I might call them tonight to let them know that I don't want everyone knowing I'm on vacation, but I plan on calling after they close so that I can just leave a message.

Tonight, I miss you.

Incubus has this song, "You've only been gone 10 days, ... I miss you". I can't remember any more of it, or even the exact way that line goes, but I can hear the "I miss you" in my head, over and over. I don't miss you often, not any more, but last night, and today, I do. I want to tell you that I don't hate you. Do you remember the first time I told you that? That was the real beginning. That was when I put myself out there and let you know that you could lean on me. I'm tempted to tell you one more time, to see what would happen. I know though that there is no good outcome if I do that. I won't be happy with anything you say. Even though I know that, I still miss you tonight. I wish I was talking to you. I wish I could conjure your arms around me, I wish I could hear your voice in my head. Before, If I missed you, I could conjure you up, and pull myself through until the next time. But I'v lost the ability to pull you up in my mind, to hear your voice, to feel your touch. Too much time has gone by, you made too many bad decisions, and I did my best to block you from my heart, my head, my thoughts and feelings. But tonight, I miss you. I don't want to miss you. I don't hate you, I want you to live happily ever after, I don't want you to break Jen or Sarah's heart any more either. I want to tell you I don't hate you, but I also want to tell you to stop being an idiot. Stop being a "Stupid Boy". I don't dare talk to you because I know you are still being a "stupid boy", and I know that if you were to be a stupid boy to me, I would get sucked in as if I dove into quick sand. But tonight, I miss you.