So much to do, so little time. I always feel so inadequate at my job. I can never do enough. We will always miss something, always fail somehow. There are SOOO many ways to improve our policies and there have got to be ways to keep the animals safer, healthier, happier, and more adoptable. Wauys to screen for people who really shouldn't be adopting. Ways to be better, closer to perfect. We are always treading a thin line between lying (through omission of direct facts) to potential adopters, and scaring them away. If I tell someone, well, the cat bites, plain and simple, they are less likely to adopt the cat than if I say "the cat is friendly and playful and affectionate, however, she can get a little nippy sometimes if you pick her up" I have to make the people understand the animasl, and yet still be interested if the animal would do alright in their home. We need to keep better medical records, we need to spend soo much more time socializing and training both cats and dogs. We need to be better at interviewing people who are surrendering animals, and people who are potential adopters. We need to be better at training our staff and our volunteers. We need to be more on top of ordering supplies and equipment. We need to not get tired, and not get run down and burnt out. We have so much room for improvement. And yet, I feel so bone weary just thinking about everything we need to do. Everything that we can't do, because there are days when not everyone works as hard as everyone else. Where we all feel that someone else isn't pulling thier weight, and so how can we possibly take on more on top of it. If we could get our heads out of our ass's, and all work together a little better, I think we could do a bit more. And we work together fairly well. We get along well. We don't fight, we don't bicker, we don't harbor ill feelings towards one another. And yet, we could do so much better. If only we could pull it together. If only we had more time, more training, more energy, less stress. I feel so bad and so overwhelmed with trying to organize everything, with wanting to organize everything. And I wish I could get everyone else to feel the same... well not the same. But to have the same visions of greatness that I have. The visions of being not a mediocre shelter, not a decent shelter, not a good shelter, but an amazing shelter. They do exist, amnd I want us to be one of them. We have the potential, and for some reason we just aren't reaching it. I want it so bad I can taste it sometimes... and yet, with no support from family or friends, even on just an emotional level, and some lack of cooperation from coworkers at work, I just can't do it. I hurt too much to do it. And for that, I feel guilt. I can't have people in my life who refuse to support my job. The symptoms of burn out are alwayus strong enough on their own, without having someone telling me that I should quit, or I should work less, or I shouldn't have done this or that, because its not fair, or where is someone else to do it, or because they don't think its right. How am I supposed to stay even remotely sane if someone is constantly making me feel bad for what I put in at my job? Hell, that a good part of why I had to move out. My aunt used to get mad at me, mad at the shelter, even when it didn't really affect her. I don't like to think bad thoughts about other people, and very rarely do I think bad things about others unless someone else puts the idea in my head first. Even if its completely justified, I will not benefit from thinking that someone else is not working hard enoigh, or that the shelter owes me. All these thoughts do is run me down more, and run down my coworkers more, because they then have to deal with whatever bad feelings I can't cover up. Life is too short to be angry all the time. Anger wears us down, makes us tired over time. Anger is usually very passionate, which can be very exhausting. And you can only do so much good being angry all the time. And in the end, what does it matter, if you didn't enjoy it? One more, Happiness is not getting what you want, its wanting what you have. hmmm very interesting. And very true.

One of these days, I'm gonna love me, and then I will feel the joy of sweet release... One of these day I'm gonna love me, and maybe at last I will find some peace... And then I will smile a little, and maybe even laugh a little but... one of these days, I'm gonna love me.
Yesterday, and all morning long I had things that I just felt the need to get down, get out. And at the moment, sitting here in the library, I can't remember for the life of me what one of them was at all. Its like a name or a word, on the tip of your tongue, just behind some wall in your mind, that you can't quite get around. I can't even begin to feel it out. The rest of the stuff, I feel I talked through most of it on my way here. And most of it is stuff I have been over before, multiple times anyway. I just keep going back to the same things. I beleive this is what we call... dun dun dun... Issues. Hahaha. I know I need to get control of my life, my thoughts, and my emotional well being. I have moments where everything seems to be a-ok, and I wonder why I ever thought I was crazy, and then I hit the opposit end of the spectrum, where I feel so overwhelmed by feeling so nuts, so psycho, that I wonder when they will lock me up. And I can go from one side of the sanity fence to the other in a matter of ten minutes. Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home, thinking I felt almost just ducky, quite alright, when now, looking back on it, I had been fighting off demons only minutes earlier, and then resumed fighting, opr more accuratly cursing and giving into the demons when I reached my apartment. I hate food, or actually, I hate the fact that I am a slave to the numbing effect food has on me. I need to get control of this thought, this feeling, and learn how to not only get around it, but how to deal with it, and how to make it cease to exist in a healthy way. Not in a "I am the master of building fire/destruction proof boxes in my mind to put things in" way. And I know I have to stop putting everything off. Oh I will get a life tomorrow. I will eat healthy tomorrow, I will start walking tomorrow, I will be organized tomorrow, I will be ok and happy tomorrow. I will love and be loved tomorrow... Just let me have today to wallow in myself and be alone and lonely and miserable. And in a really bad moment, its not tomorrow, it will be monday, or on the first of next month... what am I fucking insane that I want to wallow in my own world of misery and pain for another day, week, month??? Sometimes I wonder. I remember being lonely. I mean, I am lonely now, and I know probably half teh people I talk to are probably lonely. But there is a big difference between being lonely, and being Lonely. The difference. The lonely that I am now, it really sucks. But I know I am not the only one. And I know that I am atleast liked, if not loved byu family and a friend. Before, I was alone. Completely. I would come home to my family everyday, but I thouight they didn't like me. I was a thorn in their side, ,merely someone to be tolerated because they were obligated to tolerate me by blood. And as for friends, I had none. I had a few aquantences, and I had a few online people that I talked to. But as far as a best friend, a real buddy who I could hang out with, and do fun things with, and relax with, they were non-existant. For about 4 yrs there was nothing tangeable. I was a hermit. I pushed away anyone who might have become a friend, even in pretending not to. I joined a school club, was in it for two years, and again, managed to make aquantinces, but no friends in the club. I guess I finally decided I couldn't be like that any more. Because I couldn't handle it any more. I hurt far too much of the time, and all I had to do was talk about someone being happy, or see other people in my classes being happy with their friends to have to actually work to not burst into tears. Things are better than that now... I think. I always want more though. I want to be part of the group again. And this, all of this, was not what compelled me to get out of bed this morning to write. I still am clueless as to what it was... because it hurt, and I can't seem to work up the nerve to dig it out. *sigh* and so I continue in this often mundane existance... always wanting something to be exciting, thrilling, a good story to tell around a campfire, something to say so there aren't too many awkward silences when I try to talk to someone.

Animal loving girl ironically mauled by cow she was trying to befriend
Thats what the headline for the newspaper almost said about me today. Haha. Where I am living now there are a few barnyard animals. They have a horse, a cow (with large horns), a few goats, a ram, and a Llama to name a few. Well today I wanted to go visit the horse. I had to go through the yard that contained all of the other formentioned animals. The Llama is very friendly, all of the animals are said to be friendly. So I get into the yard with all of these animals, and the only one near me is the llama. Thats all well and good. I am keeping a hand on the llama so he doesn't sneak up on me quickly, and because he is following me across the yard. The goats all get out of my way, and as I come around the back of the barn, the cow is standing their next to the horse fence. I say "Hi Betty Davis" because that is the cows name, and she turns and rushes at me!!! I don't know if she was doing like elephants do where they will do a fake charge if you are bothering them, or if she meant to come get me or if she was just being friendly, but I wdasn't gonna stand around and find out. So I naturally run about 10 steps in the other direction, and then stop the panic and turn and put a hand up and say "woah Betty, easy girl". She stops and just looks at me. So I now get behind the llama, so she atleast has to get through him to get to me, and then slowly work my way out of the yard. It took me like another 10 minutes to manuver out of the yard because I had to stay facing the cow, and watch where the llama was as well. When I finally got out of the yard my knees where shaking. LOL. I think I will wait until the landlady is out in the yard with the animals before I try that again. Oiy. Lol it was so freaking funny. All I wanted to do was go visit the horse, and maybe pet the cow and the llama a little. The landladies told me that it was ok for me to go back there, and that everyone was friendly and everything. Jeepers.

Ok so I am still sick. Ugh.

Ugh, I think I'm dying. I feel like someone hit me with a mac truck. When I leave work, I am going to head for CVS and get some dayquill and some nyquill, and then go to get a chocolate shake to choke the meds down with. I never get sick, and even more never take meds, so I am really hurtin. lolI'm almost all settled into my new appartment, got my phone turned on yesterday, although, I don't have a phone yet. It will be atleast another week or two or three before I get my computer hooked up and whatnot. Anyway, its snowing out heavy enough that we are not even opening today, however I have to wait around until noon for a guy who donates a lot of money to us, so he can pick out a puppy. Whoop woo. <--- very sedate lol

This is my last day off living in this house. Ohhh exciting.
The other night I was sitting in the living room with the dog that I am dogsitting. (I am staying at his house until his owner comes home, only come back to this house for visits and to pack on my day off) So I am reading and I finish the story I am on and start bawling. I mean I was crying during the end of the story and whatnot, but now I really start like out and out bawling that you only do when you know you are the only human in the building. And Cocoa (the dog) comes over and sits at my feet and rests his head on my lap. I lean over and sort of drape myself over/on him crying still. He licks me a little and just lets me hang off of him sobbing. And this is a dog that would have been euthanized at any other shelter. He is aggressive with men, and can be stubborn. But he let me hang all over him, and didn't even try to get away. His previous owners are actuaklly still angry and resentful of him, over two years later. Because he is a "bad and spiteful" dog. They thought he was completely untrainable and a bad apple. FUCK THEM! Cocoa is far from perfect, but he is a decent dog. As so many of my "hopeless" ones are. I can't name three people that I have taken that sort of tolerance from while "having a moment".

What Member of Spirit Creek Are You?
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"Family of Ducks Quack Quack Quack!!!"
Nice Ken I love it, and I am really tickled pink that duck was one of the choices for one of the answers for reasons that are completely odd and bizarre and have nothing at all to do with anything else really.

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons... For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness...The above, in bold, is a bumpersticker that I saw today. I like it. On the same car was one that said "I am proud to be myself" I like that one too. Occasionally I see a movie that may or may not be a really good movie, but something that is said in the movie makes me think... sticks in my mind. I watched two movies the other night that both did that. At the moment though I am in thought overload and can't dig it out. :-/ A while ago, I saw the movie K-Pax. I think I liked it. At one point someone says that all people suffering from poor mental health have the ability to cure/heal themselves. Lol, Maybe this is part of the reason that I resist talking to a doctor. I think people who are suffering from an actual "mental illness" are not able to cure themselves. If its a chemical imbalance, then it would need to be treated and usually ... uhh.. I forgot the word.. I just had it... ah yes.... maintained with medication to get/keep the chemicals in balance. However, if its not an illness that a person has, but a mental wound or damage instead, then they can possess the ability to heal themselves. Problem numero uno with wounds... in order for them to heal, they have to be cleaned, and that usually hurts as bad as the original wound itself. This is no different with a mental wound. You have to work through the pain, come to terms with it, and then let it go, occassionally rechecking it to make sure its not getting infected and festering behind a bandage or brick wall of fake happy thoughts. Its a lot of work, and a mighty lonely job when there isn't someone to love you through the process. And I think it can take fucking years. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to fix it. And I never know if I am getting anywhere, or just making it up. I am reasonably decent at making things up as I go along, based on what I know. I do this at work with my job all the time. Someone is having a problem or if I am on the radio show, I just draw on what I know about the animals to invent a possible answer. It works pretty well. I know far less about psychology than I do about animals though. I took a 1 symester high school psych class, and the first thing they told us was that we were in no way qualified to give anyone any kind of psychological help or advice or try to diagnose people. LOL I figured the worst I can do though is dig my own hole a little deeper by trying to dig myself out. The problem is that ever person and every decision that person makes affects so many other people, and so many other decisions. But that is a ramble for another time.

I am dogsitting this week, which means I have lots of time in a quiet house with just a dog and my own thoughts. And I am also moving this week and next, so I may not be around much. Lol, I will be sneaking off to the library to ramble in this whenever my thoughts are completely overwhelming.

I gotta get out of this place...... if its the last thing I ever do...

Woooooohooooooooooo! SCORE!!! I got the apartment, and I told my aunt, and I move in on February 1st!!!

There's an an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in...

I'm never gonna be one of those skinny minnie itty bitty tiny iny women. Never. I could probably nearly starve myself to death, and work out 10 times a week to boot, and still not fit in a size 6. I don't think there is a size 6 in my entire extended or immediate family. I had finally reached a decent balance of food and excersice, and then somehow thouight I should to some crash ultra low carb diet. Yeah that was great. I turned into a raging godzilla bitch whenever anything would be slightly annoying. But hell it took weight off pretty damn fast. Then the 6 wk group ended, and I thought I could relaz and eat normally for a few days. Oops. Lol. Yeah so I live in this world of delusion where that might have been possible for me. Then reality came crashing through and I couldn't do it right. Not the way I dwas supposed too. 6 wks of making people crazy and doing good all down the tubes. Oh well. Now I try to find that balance that I had before. And its hard to find that balance again now that I have messed it up. I will always have issues with food. I am just too messed up not to I think. *shrugs* What else can I do besides go to a shrink, which I have considered. Lol. I just don't think I can afford it.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because
they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown
The above was on someones profile on msn.... I like it, because its very true.

I went and saw the apartment tonight. Its small, as was expected, but nice. The people are nice, and love animals. They have a horse, a llama, a cow, 4 potbellied pigs, a st.bernard, and 17 cats. Wowzers. I am so nervouse. I think I made a fairly good impression, and the vfact that I work for a no kill shelter floats high in their book. But, I am only 21 and I have no previous landlords. So thats sort of negative. She said she will probably have made a decision by Friday. I still haven't told my aunt. The place is furnished already, so I would have to leave my furniture here. Most of the time this would be pretty ideal, however, unlike most first time renters, the furniture that I have really is mine. Lol not my moms. With the exception of the headboard/bookcase. The lamps, bed, bureau, dresser, bakers rack, book shelf, plant stand and plants are mine. Oh well. I will cross that bridge if I come to it I guess. I also sort of didn't have the nerve to ask if my rabbit was allowed. I mean, theoretically there shouldn't be a problem. 1 its on a farm 2. they already allow the cat, and t3. she specified no dogs, she didn't specify no other pets besides the one cat. But it feels kind of sneaky and dishonest. Ugh OI think I am getting an ulcer, and ciatica to boot. Lol

I forgot...... what it was I felt necessary to say... My little cousin is making me angry, I am trying to ignore it, because what he is doing isn't affecting me at all. I feel this anger just welling up inside me though, and I want so badly to turn and yell at him, however I know that would have no positive effect on him, and he would just smirk. Its like a dog, don't react when they are doing attention getting behaviors and they will eventually stop the behavior. The difference is the dogs don't usually send me into a rage. I struggle for control, knowing its the only way I will win. Just take a deep breath and focus my anger into something slightly more productive. Its nice to know I can feel anger again. Lol. Ah I feel better now. Atleast slightly. For a while I just didn't get angry about things. I was too numb, too sad, too tired, and too depressed. I had worked so long at ignoring everything that caused me to feel angry, that I had finally managed to automatically supress all angry feelings subconciously, before I even realized that I had felt anger. Instead I automatically just converted the feelings into some of the other feelings that were already present in such a large amount.

I tried two or three times to write about how I felt about it being 4 month date after my dog was destroyed... oh that word hurts to use... and I keep getting interrupted... the train of thought and pain stop... heh and there right on cue is an interruption. I guess thats a good sign that things are now able to distract me from it.

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. ---Sarah Bernhardt (1844-1923)
I saw that on someone's profile in an msn chat room. I like it, i think.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Recent completion of one or more long-term goals may cause you to pause today and consider what you're going to aim for next. Don't be afraid to be more ambitious than before, dear Libra, because you've acquired an inner power that gives you more confidence and a stronger belief in yourself. It is belief in our own self-worth that confers the faith to move mountains. Don't be surprised if over the next few months, you find yourself moving a few!

Hmmmm... nice.

I have been looking off and on for an apartment for over a year now. Last week I picked up a paper, and saw this pretty cheap furnished studio apartment with off street parking, 15 min. to URI (which is literally only 3 miles from work), on a small farm, heat and hotwater included for $525/month. It didn't say anything about pets, just said non smokers prefered. Nice huh? Well, I am a procrastinator, and and scared to boot, so o,f course, I waited until yesterday to call. Every other place that seems decent that I have called in the last year has either been already rented out, or they don't allow cats, even though it doesn't say that in the add. So I call this add, totally expecting the same thing. First she tells me its not rentec yet, and then tells me a little more about it. Its in a decent enough neighborhood, located about 15 mins from where I live now, there is no scary driving to get there (which is the main reason I haven't called any that are in Providence). So as I am listening, I am totally going back and forth on wether I should even ask about pets. Everyone keeps telling me not to mention it until after I meet the people, that way they can get a better sense of how responsible I am, and its always harder to turn down someone face to face. And it wouldn't be completely wrong to move in wth the cat and never ask if its ok as long as I never sign anything that says no pets, and don't come to a verbal agreement that pets aren't allowed. Althouhg thats sort of risky with a cat, as they could totally tell me to get out or get rid of the cat once they find out. So I ask if they allow cats...


And they DO!!!! I immediatly told the woman that I work at an animal shelter and that he is a well behaved adult cat and he is extra well taken care of and everything. Lol, I mean she said yes, so I didn't really need to try and tell her how good he was and such, but I didn't want her to reconsider or have any concerns. Lol. So I go see this place on Weds at 5-5:30. I'm so excited.

Woooooooooooooo
hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! or as Jen says Woot! LOL

Ok yes, so Thursday was the 4th month err.. anniversary ?? of when the dog was put to sleep. I think I have finally worked through a lot of the bad feelings, the anger, and most of the guilt. I mean, I will probably always have some guilt over it, but I sort of off handedly admitted it to someone, and that seemed to make it a little better. I mean, it wasn't like a bawling confession or anything, we were just talking and somehow something about the whole dog thing came up and why he was euthanized, and I admitted that I had put him in a situation that he couldn't handle, and myself in a situation where I couldn't be as attentive to him as I needed to be. The person I was talking too didn't really comment on that, and the conversation just continued on normally. It was... nice.. I guess. I am at such a loss for words sometimes.

I don't like this answer but they basically said its sort of picked at random, not truley based on your answers. lol So that makes me feel better

Typical Suit Heffalump alt="Suit Heffalump"> Soundtrack to your life: R. Wagner - Der Ring des Nibelungen Favourite website: http://www.economist.com/ Quote: You can't complain, it's a free market Certified heffalumps.org Personality Test result.

Sleep seems to be nearly as addictive as food, alcohol, drigs, and cigs. Things get crazy, and I crave sleep. I love that place inbetween actual sleep and being awake and present. You know, where your thoughts just drift this way and that, and you can sort of control them. Where your dreaming, but you can hear things going on around you, they just enter your thoughts. Where your only about 30 seconds from falling completely asleep. One thing that I like about walking is that I can get to a state nearly there, only not quite all the way.
After all, when your in that stage, things don't hurt, your not usually sad, nothing is annoying, and your not stressed out. Everything is just dandy... unreal.... its the place where Meg's land of delusion is not upset by real life. And we only get a mear few fleating seconds of this state daily.

Hung out with a friend last night. We watched a movie, had a few drinks, and ast up until after 3:30 talking. We talked about quite a bit, and of course after a few drinks, I shared more, more readily, than I would usually. But its cool because I didn't let too much slip, and that that I did say was no big deal anyway. Today we were going to work on carving me a stamp to go letter boxing with, however I lost all my courage. The stamp that I want to carve, and have tried a few times to carve already, are of my dog... Cubby. I was afraid of the raction I would get if my friend found out, afraid that she might tell someone at work, and they would know that I still miss him, that it still hurts, that maybe I am not as ok as they think I am. And I don't want them, any of them, to know. Not really. I don't think they should have to worry about it, worry about me. I also have moments when I feel they are not worthy of knowing. Where they are the enemy, and you never let the enemy know when you are wounded. Maybe next time I won't chicken out.

The following is a story from the newspaper regarding some of what has been going on in my life as far as work goes. Not so great.

By NEAL JONES

SOUTH KINGSTOWN - After five long meetings over a three month period, the Animal Rescue League of Southern Rhode Island's goal to build a new home on 24 acres in Kingston fell short Wednesday night, after they failed to garner enough votes to see the project approved.
Even though three of the five members of the South Kingstown Zoning Board of Review said they would vote in favor of the league's proposed 18,000-square-foot building in Kingston, the project will be denied because a four vote majority is needed for a proposal to be approved.
After five hours of testimony Wednesday night, board members Stephanie Osborn, Robert Toth and James Gies all indicated they would support the project with some modifications. Chairman Ernest George and member Joseph Dailey indicated they would not, and said the building, which was being eyed for a 24-acre lot in a semi-rural neighborhood on the Kingston, North Kingstown and Exeter town lines, would have a significant impact on the community.
"I think it would alter the general character of the surrounding area," George said, adding that he will outline his reasons by the time the board meets to vote on the proposal next Wednesday. "This certainly wasn't an easy one. I think all of us, we're on the fence here."
Animal Rescue League Executive Director Dan Davis was "not happy" after he learned the proposal would ultimately fail. Their current shelter, located on Curtis Corner Road and built in the 1970s, is antiquated at best, and Davis was confident throughout the process that they had found the right site.
"We were very hopeful," he said. "We serve 100,000 people and basically, 50 people denied this. Is it fair? Yeah, I guess it is. I understand their concerns, but we felt we nailed every nail and I think we proved our burden."
While George will explain his reasoning later, Dailey said "initially I thought the proposal was a great idea." But compelling testimony Wednesday night from acoustical expert Dr. William Miller on behalf of objectors and the sometimes passionate pleas from residents to deny the project ultimately swayed him to a no vote.
Miller testified that a single dog barking at the edge of the league's property would "severely" impact roughly 21 homes and "significantly" impact more than 100. The decibel levels of dogs, he determined through testing and computer modeling, would, in his estimation, mean the league would constantly be in violation of existing noise ordinances. Miller also directly correlated higher neighborhood sound levels to depreciating property values.
"We've listened to a lot of people over a lot of nights," said Dailey. "That is unrefuted testimony. We've heard people talk about their own homes. To me, all those stories show how this doesn't fit in the neighborhood."
Anyone looking for an example of the intensity that was a hallmark of the lengthy debate need only look at the fist-sized hole in an upstairs wall at Town Hall.
South Kingstown resident Thomas Roselli, Jr., who was slated to speak at the hearing, punched the hole in the wall before the meeting and then sat down in the rear of the council chambers. Two South Kingstown police officers removed Roselli without incident before the proceedings began, handcuffing him downstairs and carting him off to the station as residents filtered in.
He was charged with vandalism and malicious injury to property and told police he was "upset about the issue at hand in the meeting."
But other residents kept their cool, and effectively said that the league should go somewhere else because increased traffic, noise, environmental concerns, the effect on property values and the sheer size and scale of the building would be too much for the neighborhood to bear.
"It's about time the Animal Rescue League began to realize that animal shelters do not belong in residential neighborhoods," said George Ainsworth.
"We love animals, we laud this project," said Sheila Milton. "But this grandiose dream is somehow inappropriate in this area."
Lawyer James Donnelly, who represented 50 residents against the proposal, said there were sound reasons for the board to deny the proposal.
"This is not N-I-M-B-Y [not in my backyard]," Donnelly stressed. "This is not just 'I don't want it here.' These are legitimate objections."
Gies said all the board members wrestled with this proposal.
"I think we all changed our minds a couple of times on this one," he said.
Legal counsel Nancy Giorgi said she would be drafting a motion in favor of the proposal to be voted on at the board's next meeting on Wednesday, January 15.
Even though the board will vote 3-2 in favor of the project, the motion will fail.

-30-


©The Narragansett Times 2003

Its interesting how people bond with certain people, and as I see daily, with individual animals. I mean, we have 20 dogs and 40 cats in the shelter (thats a general guestimate although I know its lower than that at the moment), and yet when people come in and adopt pet, the one they usually take home is one that they connected with. When your looking at 40 cats, and you have no idea what you want, how is it that you find the one that is right for you? I mean there are things that I can tell people to narrow down their choices, such as this one doesn't like children/other pets or whatever, but they still have to connect with just one. And most of the time they do. I have been there for over 5 yrs now. I have met over 1000 animals, and yet, I can name maybe a dozen that I really grew attached to. Rocky, Houston, Levi, Hobson, Freddie, Cubby, Kora (aka Blackie)... In five years, over 1000 animals... and thats the list of animals that I thought I would adopt if I were going too. I actually took Freddie home. He was the first animal I was attached to. This past month seems to have been hard on employees for getting attached. I mean, Ruth fell for Lucy, Kaly likes Asia, Pam loves Nala, Leah wants to take Alyosha, Paula is still dying for Arnold, I want Kora, Todd, and Hunze. LOL I find Lucy cute but annoying, and even though Nala has been at the shetler for as long as I have, I just have no connection with her. She is being considered for euthansia, and if I were going to adopt a hardcase "hopeless" animal, it wouldn't be her, even though she is the only one that clearly fits into what I usually see in my animals. Its strange to watch these bonds form so quickly, so strongly, and yet, even thoughit kills us sometimes, we know we have to let them go. After a while in the shelter, you learn not to grow too attached to easily. I believe the term is depersonalize. You know the animals history, and like them as a general being, but you don't *need* to take them and hug them adn have them live with you. You don't want to cry and shnuggle them everytime they give you the sad puppy eyes. You become virtually immune to the tricks these animals have fokr guilting people into giving them what they want. But every once in a while an animal comes along, that for you, just weasles his way into your heart. Without any warning, and you want to cry when you think of the animal sleeping on the cement floor, being unloved, unwanted, and tossed aside for a "cuter, more friendly, hopefully one that will magically turn out perfect without any training" model.
I feel bad when I know the ache it causes me to realize I have become attached, and to know that I can do nothing to help the other people I work with not feel that same ache.

Living on love, buying on time, without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime
Gotta love that country music

What I really meant to say, is I'm dying here inside...

Woke up crying.
Drove to work crying. Worked all day with no problems.
Drove home crying. Took a nap crying. Woke again crying. Tried to go to bed crying, but my eyes were sore and I couldn't sleep.
I seem to have sprung a leak. My tear ducts are working over time. I'm not exactly sure why. I just know I am sad.
Tried to dull the pain with food. (as per usual) Now I just feel ill, and still sad. Blah.

It would seem that something or other has to make up for my complete lack of a life, and has decided not to allow me to live the most mundane existance ever. Its been another exciting few days for the Meganator, in the lovely land of Megville.
Wednesday I broke my right index finger trying to walk a dog. Like, really broke. The middle segment. The exray is pretty cool. I got to keep it. I have to to go to an orthopedic doctor on monday to have it set. Hopefully it hasn't already began to heal. It has to stay splinted until then. Makes typing difficult, so don't mind the typo's.
after I got out of the hospital, I had a zoning committee meeting to go to for the shelter. We lost, and so have to sell the land we bought and try to build a new shelter somewhere else. Add one more year onto how long it will take us to get into a new building.
Today, I was supposed to go to a city in MA with a dog to go on 103.7 WFNX. I'ts a radio station that covers parts or all of 5 New England states. The dog and I got lost in the city, and spent two hours walking around trying to find the studio. We never did find it. blah

Another resolution (because one can never have enough things to try and do all at once) is... err, wait. hold on I forgot......... Oh yeah, To be more outspoken, to speak my mind when I think I need to. To say something when there is a problem, and it would be beneficial to speak up.

Alright, so I was cleaning my room, putting things away and the usual stuff that one does while cleaning... and I had this shirt that (yes i know, Still, because the dog has been dead for almost four, yes count them four, months) has some Cubby fur on it. The last time I went to put this shirt on, I saw that it had the fur on it, and I folded it back up, and put it back on top of the drawer. (Things were crazy, I don't have enough room, and was in the middle of trying to get ready for something so it didn't end up back in the drawer) I could't throw out the hair. I just couldn't do it. Today, as I was cleaning, I was putting all of my clothes in the drawers. (because I do actually know that thats where they really belong, not piled on top of the dresser or in a heap on the floor next to the bed) I came to that shirt and held it up and looked at it for a moment. I went to fold it up and put it away (with the fur still on it) and I paused and looked at Cubby's picture for a minute. Then I layed the shirt on my bed, and used a piece of tape to pick up the Cubby hair. There were only a few strands, not like a lock of hair or anything. I folded up the tape, and just sort of held it for a minute. Touched the hair, closed my eyes and pictured the dog, imagined wrapping my arms around him and burrying my face in his neck, and remember what that felt like. I let out a deep sigh and put the hair and tape in the garbage. Folded the shirt and put it away. It will be 4 months next Thursday. And I think, I just might get through this ok after all. Everything really might be ok.

I have a $100 gift certificate to spend at a local cd store. Woohoo. Especially since all of my cd's had been stolen. I mean, I have since bought a few, but I do miss some of the cd's I had before. Ahh Jack Johnson. Lol just came on the radio. Totally have to rebuy this one. Anyway, music plays a big part in how we feel. I mean, at one point, when I was not feeling right ( because quite frankly I never feel exactly right), but before I lost my "logic" that kept things almost ok, I would listen to the most depressing cd's I had. They would make me cry and cry and cry. Finally after doing this for about 2 months, I just couldn't take it any more, and every logical thought that I had that was a reason to hope for things to get better left me and I spent the next year fighting just waiting things out. I was literally waiting until I had finished what I had to. Scary. Anyway, these depressing cd's not only made me more depressed, but I also liked them, do like them. Do I buy them again? I mean, I liked the music, the songs. Do I dare listen to them again, knowing how addicting that feeling of dispair can be? I know, I sound like a psycho but what can I say.

Ok, so my cousin is supposed to get married in October of 2004. Because no matter what I say, I can't do things For me, I have to have some other reason to do them, I have now grabbed onto this date. Its my..... er whats the word, I swear I loose an IQ point every day... err. oh yeah, motivation. So this wedding, which is a year and a half away, is my motivation to become beautiful, in my own eyes. (a true impossibility I know, however I can atleast get closer) Its my reason for continuing to go to the gym, and to follow this stupid evil low carb diet properly the way that the book says so that I can eventually get off of it completely and no longer have food issues. I want to be a stunning maid of honor, and not have to feel entirely self concious while dealing with dress fittings and such. Because, quite frankly, taylors of dresses are not the friendliest people. My friend was in a wedding, and the taylors yelled at her because when she tried the dress on with a wonder bra, they still thought her boobs didn't sit properly. They poke and prod and tell you you have too much here and too little there and whatnot. I mean, they are the taylor, there comes a point where you have run out of time to make your body into that of barbie and its the taylors job to make the dress look good on you. Mean evil people.

I know I need balance in my life, and I am slowly trying to get it. Have to work at these things a little at a time. Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, trying to get my rabbit to like me after clipping his nails, thinking about work. Planning some of the things we would talk about on the radio show at the end of the month. Today is my day off. I could have been thinking of so many other things. So I am in the middle of imagining myself at work and my aunt calls and I answer the phone "hello Megen speaking, animal rescue League, can I help you...(pause, giggle) no wait this isnt the Animal Rescue League, I'm sorry, I mean, uh Hello?" Now my aunt is like "haha I was confused for a second because I was pretty sure I had called the house..." D'oh. I just don't know any more man. I just don't know.

I was cleaning my room, because in order to stay clean and organized (one of my resolutions) you have to get clean and organized. Lol. Anyway, So I am trying to put all of these books that I bought and haven't yet read away, which is nearly impossible, because quite frankly I am out of space. And each time I pull a book out of the bags, I go oh yeah! I can't wait to read this! There are so many things I want to read. Once or twice I had wondered what I would do with my spare time after I read all of the books that I wanted too. (Yes I know, what a stupid thought) Then I realized, I will never run out of books to read. There will always be a new book written, always be a book that I hadn't gotten too. And if by some miracle, I couldn't find any new books that I wanted to read, I have so many books, I could just read some of them again. I mean, thats why I like to own all of them. So I can go back whenever I want and read it again. I would so love to have a house with a "library" in it. A nice, warm, cozy room with just shelves and shelves to keep all of the books on. Woohoo, now that I have so many things that I want to read again, it shouldn't be hard to avoid the television.

Dude, it changes colors while you sit there and watch it! I didn't know that before lol

Sometimes I really am just dumbfounded with how people can be. I just want to take them and ask "Can't you see? Why don't you open your eyes and look? Why don't you get it?"
I once read something that made sense, and I try to remember it sometimes. Something along the lines of : You can't change all the world for all of the animals, however, if you save just one animal, surely you have changed the world for that one animal.
Its something I try to hold onto tightly when I feel the walls closing in.
I was reading "Readers Digest" while waiting in the vets office to speak to the vet regarding a cat at the shelter, when I came across a page of quotes. One of them definately caught my eye.
"You can't be top notch at work, if work is all you are in life" Meaning of course, that you need some balance. You can do better if you can get your mind off your job, and your job off your mind for a few hours every now and again. I dream about work. I think about it always. Even when I am thinking about something else entirely, there is usually something about work floating around inside my head.

My cousin officially got engaged today. Her long time boyfriend, Steve, gave her his grandmothers ring after he got it back from the jewelers. It had been sized for Kristina, my cousin. So she comes over and tells us and shows us the ring (very pretty), and tells me that I am going to be the maid of honor. I was so suprised. Everyone thought I already knew. Meanwhile, I didn't even think I would be in the wedding at all. I figured I would be invited out of sheer politeness. Wowzers, I am shocked. And also very excited. Woohoo. And its funny because I was sitting in my room, moping and reading and listening to sad music because I felt lonely and unloved. How strange.

Sometimes writing and thinking about things that I would write is very very tiresome. No, tiresome is not the proper word. The connotation of tiresome is something that is boring, mundane, and repetitive. Thats not exactly what I mean, although, I missed a word and so didn't hit it right on the head there like I wanted too. Anyway, I mean, its more, wearing, erm, exhausting. I have these thoughts, and I want to get them out, and then, when I am in a spot to get them out, I think just about thinking them again, and feeling them again, and oh man I can't breath because it exhausts me so. Who knew thinking randomly could be such a work out. So there are plenty of thoughts that want to come out, and yet, quite frankly, I can't always be bothered. It just drains me too much. Lol I think I need a nap.

Oh yeah, I had thought of more resolutions.
What number am I on?
22. Spend more time reading than watching tv weekly.
23. Eek, to tell my aunt that I am looking for somewhere to move too.
Hrm, I thought I had more than that. I guess I just can't remember them at the moment. Lol was such a hectic day, I am suprised I am not in bed already.

http://www3.sympatico.ca/ci.kerr/wheel.html
A native american kind of zodiac almost.
You have to either read (or just scroll to the bottom) a fair bit to find it but keep looking. I am a crow. It fit me pretty well. Interesting. I find everything that I find out is a "characteristic libra trait" interesting too, as again, more often than not, it fits. Lol. And everyone knows the chinese zodiac, and which animal they are. I am a rooster, i think. Once, in the back of a chinese menu, I found a more indepth thing besides the 2 senctence description you usually see. I think it was all of the bad, and emotional stuff that goes along with whatever sign you are. Wow did it ever fit. Lol.

This is interesting. It gives you a word, and then you have 60 seconds to write whatever you think of. Hrm.

http://oneword.invisibleland.tv/index2.html

Wow back already. I knew I forgot one, I just needed to go check on my aunt and was getting paranoid about the computer crashing, and so I couldn't focus on ways to be a better me very well.
21. To go out somewhere atleast once a week. Besides to the usual places I go simply to exist such as work, the gym, the grocery store. ect. I mean, like out somewhere else, where I have to put on makeup and look purty, and hopefully enjoy myself.

Happy New Year!

Ok so lets here it for resolutions, both ones kept and unkept, and ones that you meant to keep and ones that are doomed to fail right from the word go. I have far too many of them. Here we go.
1a. (Because I already failed it it doesn't count but last week it was going to be my first one) Don't go to the shelter just for this day
( I ended up there around 12:30 at the suggestion of a friend, and then we couldn't talk ourselves out of it, however, going there today helps me keep atleast 2 of my other resolutions)
1B. To Save some $$ this year
2. To take at least one class in something. Possibly like a belly dancing or yoga class, but not entirely positive yet
3. To be a better gym member. (meaning I go 3x's a week more faithfully)
4. To walk atleast 2 days a week, besides going to the gym
5. To flirt unashamedly with atleast 1 guy, and not being completely trashed before trying to flirt.
6. To be better at my job. To work harder, be more dedicated, be better to the animals, the other employees, and the people that we deal with.
7. To find more of a balance in my life.
8. To drop a clothing size before June.
9. To be a better friend, family member, tenant, petowner.
10 (this is a huge one) To be better to myself. Take better care of myself, physically and mentally. On all levels
11. To be neater, more organized, without being too rigid.
12. To take atleast 3 PAID vacation days from work for a break, not for illness or family emergency. (preferrably in a row)
13. To figure myself out a little bit more.
14. To save a little bit more of the world.
15.To not give up!!! To keep fighting my own demons.
16. To really stun and wow just one person. To make them amazed with who I am, who I've become, who I can be.
17. To stick to atleast 4 of these. hahaha
18. To have a better, more exciting, more entertaining New Years Eve.
19. To not give in to being "tired" as much as I do now.
20. To be more open and honest with those that need me to be, while finding a good balance with everyone else.
Ok thats it for now. I may come up with more however. Lol.

Arg, I still haven't learned how to put a link up here because clicking the link button doesn't work. lol
http://www.passionup.com/fun/fun4335.htm

A flower quiz. Which flower are you?


This is what I got. Apparently there are only three different kind of flowers. *shrugs* Seems to fit a bit anyway, but it could be one of those things that any one could fit. Wait, or maybe it doesn't fit at all. I'm not really sure any more. I'm so confused. Lol
You're a rose. Yes, you have a few thorns, but lots of beauty. You have the best of both worlds, because you're able to balance the serious issues in your life with fun. You have a healthy sense of humor and you appreciate a good joke, but you're more likely to listen than tell a joke of your own. You could be a middle child.

Social: People like to have you around. You're fun to be with and warm. You have several close friends.

Outlook: You view life realistically, fully aware that there's a mix of good and bad, but you try to make your own luck by doing all that you can to get ahead in the world, working hard, and remaining dedicated to your goals.

Strengths: You're comfortable being you and that gives you confidence. In addition your stability helps you meet your goals.

Challenges: You're most challenged by boredom. Sometimes life seems mundane to you.

Suggestions: Expand your horizons. Explore and try new things. If you do, you will be surprised at what you can accomplish. And by all means, don't forget to look for the beauty in all things--especially in yourself!

Dude, with this template, if you click the name "Une Petit Sanctuary" it changes color. :-) hrm so much fun

I have to go the gym tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. I was doing so well, and then I didn't go last week, and for the last 2 weeks I have eaten more chocolate and crud than I care to admit. Not so good now. That first work out is going to be a killer. Lol. Oh well. I fell off the horse and I just get right back on right? Right. *nods matter of factly* Besides, it will give me something to do besides the whole lot of nothing that I like to do. I'm so tired. I should just go to bed. Its 6:30 on a sunday night, and I have tomorrow off, and the whole night ahead of me. Sleeping seems like the best plan however. Funny how over the summer, I would drive home, and sit in my car, avoiding coming in the house for as long as possible. Now, I drive home as quickly as I can because I am so tired. And my stupid body has gone on strike on top of it. Plus I sound like a frog when I talk for like the last month or so. I think its almost time to go to the Dr. and figure out what is wrong with me. LOL. I'm afraid of what they will say. hahaha. "Well we can fix whats wrong with you physically, however, as far as the rest of it goes, you shit out of luck" hehehe. Bah. Sometimes I feel old. Its scary. If I feel old now, what am I going to feel like when I am 50? Maybe I just need to decide not to feel old any more. If I believe I am young and beautiful, than other people will believe I am, and therefore I will be right? Too bad I am the hardest person to convince. haha. *sings* I need a nap tra la la la I need a nap tra la la la I want a nice cozy lovey nap tra la la la I don't want to go in my room and be so alone, tra la la la la la.
there thats my song. How was it?

I tried to post here yesterday, and of course I was rambling on quite contentedly (is that a word and if it is is it right?) for a while, and my computer froze, i lost the whole thing. I was rather miffed. So I quit and went to lay down for a while.

Merry Christmas!

I was always sad because I felt that we had no traditions in my family. I always wanted a traditional family, both in who/how we were, and where we had certain practices that we followed ever single year. Well, we were never traditional in how our family was put together, never resembling the classic nuclear family, but we did have a number of little traditions.
My older cousin and I used to clean out her closet, and sleep in it every christmas eve. The closet was 2x5 I think. We were so cramped! Whenever we woke up, usually around 3 am, LOL, we would grab our stockings and run back to our room to open them. We would usually end up eating about half the freaking candy and falling back to sleep. I had the same stocking that I use every year, handmade from a family friend. My mom had a matching one. I still have it. On christmas eve, after dinner, and after my cousin and I had done the dishes, we were allowed to pick out one present from under the tree. Then our moms would go get a present out of their rooms for us to open. Every year they gave us pajamas on christmas eve. Usually matching ones that were a different color. LOL Christmas morning my cousin and I would pass out all the presents, after everything was opened, we'd get dressed and have breakfast.

Our traditions weren't much, but they were there. And it wasn't until this year that I realized, we had had our last family christmas. I mean, we try, but I always go into work, my mom and brother live out of state, and my older cousin moved to a new house. I got my mom a pair of pajamas this year. I opened the presents that she left at my house for me. In one of the boxes, was a matching pair of pajamas! Lol. We picked out the same ones for each other.

Here's a brain teaser for you guys. I got 13, forgive me I also took it before 8 am on my day off at that.

http://www.passionup.com/fun/fun4371.htm
Also forgive me for that not being an actual link, as I still haven't figured out how to make it a link. arg

This is for all the lonely people, waiting for life to pass them by, Don't give up ...

Ok, so I don't actually know the words, and thats about all I can bring up in my memory at the moment, although now I have it playing over and over again in my head. Hrm.
There are so many people who are lonely. I mean, like enough people that if lonliness were an illness I believe it would be to pandemic porportions. So why do we all continue to stay lonely? If I walked into a crouded bar and announced that I would talk to anyone who was as lonely as I was, chances are, there would be half a dozen people who wanted to come talk. However, I would never do that, and if I did, I bet no one would actually come over and talk, even if they are lonely. Sure we are all looking for true love and whatnot, but why not make everyone who is not THE ONE friends along the way? If we surround ourselves with friends, we won't be so hurting for that perfect person, won't be as lonely along the way. And yet, we all continue in our mundane lives, ignoring and allowing so so many people to pass through without any real affect. How many people do we talk to every day, that we have no real signifigance too? People that we may see time and again, and yet, sometimes never even say hi. I went through one stage in the pit of my loneliness where I would wake up between 2-5 am every morning and just lay there and cry. I couldn't sleep through the night. I walked around with my sweatshirt hood up, sunglasses on, and my headphones on. No one ever talked to me. It was my own fault. I looked like I would beat them up if they did. Talk about making yourself unapproachable. I wouldn't accept a ride from people, people that I knew and worked with, even if it was raining. They thought I didn't like them.
So many lonely people, and yet, hardly ever do any of us reach out to the others. There should be a lonely people support group. They would meet once a week, for an hour or two, and just hang out, order pizza, maybe even take trips to the movies or whatnot. I bet a lot of people would find good friends or even a kindred spirit or two. It wouldn't carry the stigma of a dating service or personal adds, because thats not what it would be about. It would just be a group of other people who are lonely, maybe bored, maybe just looking for something to do and wanting to make a new friend or two. Thats all.

Ohhh who'dda guessed this one??


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What's YOUR sexual fetish?
brought to you by Quizilla


Look look look! I'm not a dead cold fish! Woohoo!!!

Ok so its a different test than the freaking fish test was, but there was an equivilant answer, and I didn't get it! And I didn't even have to lie. Rofl

Arg, there is supposed to be a link, but I am doing something wrong and its not happening, so you all can just copy and paste it if you can be bothered too. *probably wouldn't be able to bothered to myself* lol

www.petfinder.com

oh yeah, heres the other one.
www.southkingstown.com/arl

If you click the link, and go under animal shelters, and RI, and then scroll down to Animal Rescue League in Wakefield, you get to see some of my work, and some of my animals. I'v somehow found myself as being the sole person in charge of keeping the websites up to date with pictures of the animals and descriptions, plus picking and writing about an animal of the month every month, and finding *interesting* things to keep people coming back. Oiy.
Ok so today is 12/16/02. At approx 2:30, it will be 3 months since my dog was pronounced dead. Because thats what they actually do. After they inject all of the... errr.. medication (?for lack of a better term I guess) and pull the needle out of his leg, I sat there holding him, refusing to cry, knowing he was dead, waiting for his heart to stop. He had already stopped breathing. The vet sat on the floor with me, listening for a heartbeat for what seemed like a good 10 minutes. All in all it was probably maybe a minute or two. He was dead weight, not breathing, his eyes not closed. And I was slightly repulsed by the fact that I had 78.3 lbs of dead animal in my lap. I was thinking that I wish it would hurry up and be over because I didn't want to hold him any more, and because I wanted to go cry, but not for nothing did I want to cry in front of the vet staff, and make their job any harder. So I just held on. Finally the vet nodded, and told me his heart had stopped. So I layed him on the floor, and stood up, and then offered to carry him somewhere for them. After I stood up I wanted to hold him again. I had been sitting there wanting to get him out of my lap, and when I did, I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him I loved him again. Even if I felt that the claim of loving him must be false. I had to get the gentle leader and leash out from under him. I gingerly lifted him up a little and he was so heavy and awkward that he almost slipped, I almost dropped him back on the painted concrete floor. I managed to hold on and move the leash and such out from under him and put him gently back on the floor. I simply said thank you to the vet and tech's, and walked out. Proceeded to get in my car and head back to the shelter. Started bawling like crazy not 5 minutes down the road, and continued that most of the way back to the shelter. Stopped in time to pull myself together before going back in to work. I didn't really know what to say when I walked back in. I think they had expected me to come back with him, as I had warned them I might. The entire time I was simply waiting for my resolve and logic (as much as I hate it I know thats what it was) to fail me and for me to put a stop to it. I never really thought I could do it. Given the chance to save him, I thought that I could never make and follow through with the decision not to. The entire time at the vets office, I kept thinking to myself, is it too late to change my mind. They had to drug him first because I couldn't bring myself to muzzle him. I was walking him around thinking if I should go inside and tell them to cancel, that I would bring him home and wait for the drugs to wear off. Even when they were actually killing him I was thinking it. At that point I really knew it was too late to stop, as if they had stopped, he could have had severe internal damage, and could of ended up dying anyway.

Its been 3 months, right down to the day in the week. And the pain isn't as bad as it was. I believe it was in a book I read that said time is a young mans best friend and an old man's thief. Or something like that. I don't know. I know that time heals all wounds, or atleast dulls them, even if we don't want to it too. It still hurts, and it still makes me cry, and I still miss him. One day at work I found a tuft of orange fur on the floor. A tuft that used to be Cubby's calling card. We left orange fur everywhere we went. LOL. Anyway, My very first and highly delusional thought was "Hey thats Cubby fur. How are we still finding his fur at the shelter more than 2 months later? Oh my, it must have all been a dream or a trick, and any moment now I will run into the kennel and he will be sitting there waiting for me!"
Quickly I came out of this delusion, and realized that whether it was his fur or not, I couldn't rest any hope on the idea that it was a dream or trick, because the memory was so real, and I couldn't stand to believe it and find out I was wrong. So I didn't go run into the kennel. I went into the office and just glanced at the adoption board and the kennel board, and saw that his name wasn't on either of them. Then I laughed and asked the kennel worker who else could be leaving orange tufts around. Quickly realized it probably came from Sammy, who resembled a St. Bernard mix. *Sigh* I just sort of laughed it off and never told anyone about my mad dash of hope.

There was more, but I realized that what was more was more than should be shared. Not that the above should be, but what was to follow was a step or 2 or 345 above that.

Anyway, I miss my dog. But not as acutely as I did. 3 months. Pain goes away when you blink it seems. Its there and there and there saying hello pay attention to me, and then you have to stop paying attention for just a moment, and it goes away. It comes back, but not with the same intensity. And, as time goes on, it will continue to become less and less. It will never be painless completely, for the halflife of pain somehow seems to get longer and longer as it halves, and halves again. And I don't think there is any real final point, where it decides to stop existing, instead of halving again. But only time will tell it seems.

It has been "another exciting day at the Animal Rescue League" Or year for that matter. Ugh. I think we are cursed, its the only thing that would explain it. Our dog person is out atleast until christmas with an injury, my cat person left early today, and the receptionist ended up in the ER with an allergic reaction to the shelter. We don't know to what exactly, but just something. So I was there for the afternoon with dog kennels to clean, by myself. These people came in and looked at a cat, and the poor lady was crying cus she was so happy that her husband liked the cat and she hugged me. And then they adopted the cat because I like these people and know they are good pet owners because they have adopted from us before, and before they left, both of them gave me a hug and a KOTC. And the lady was still crying. Oh jeepers. I didn't know quite what do to so I just went along with it. LOL. And the receptionist is a touchy person... Like, she touches people. I was sitting at the desk yesterday and she comes over and starts rubbing my shoulders. I didn't know what to do so I simply forced myself not to shrug away. I am not used to anyone touching me ever, and lately, it seems that people are all over me! Ok so whats a normal amount of human contact to everyone else is making me wonder what is going on, but then again, I am used to going months without even so much as a hug or a handshake from family or anyone. So its odd for me. LOL. Then again it seems I am the most untouchable person in the whole (although it may be small) state of RI. Oiy oh well, atleast the dogs/cats like me... or did anyway.

Life is so short.
you're not promised tomorrow.
it's not like you can afford
to waste away with sorrow.

Myyrh Lala
Mv, WA
Hmm.. Something to think on.

I have noticed a slightly disturbing sign being put up around here... "Emergency Evacuation Route" with an arrow pointing where to go. I see these signs on the highway and such. So some friends and I were talking about them, and we came to a realization. If these signs were due to threats from storms (such as nor'easters and hurricanes as we are on the ocean) they would just lead inland, and leave it at that. However, they lead to an "Emergency Evactuation Shelter" instead. So are these signs up so that we know where to go if we are faced with military attack? Another disturbing thing I have noticed. I live on an island, attached to the mainland and one other much larger island by two bridges. There are no count them 0 emergency evactuation signs on the island I live on. Its not a terribly large island. Lol. I would like to know exactly what made the government decide to build an emergency evacuation shelter and put signs up all over the place, and why there are none where I live. Heh, I was thinking of calling the town hall just to see what they would say. LOL So are we expecting a few really bad storms, or simply expecting to be under attack and need somewhere to hide and be safe. And do they figure that by living on an island we are all pretty screwed and the bridges will just be shut down so whats the point of trying? Bah I pretend to care in my more sane moments. I know I care, but at the moment, I am tired and numb and can't be bothered. Argh.

The night before my 21st birthday I was at a party at my cousins house. It was a suprise party for one of her roomates. Well, I somehow ended up very drunk. LOL. I mean, like, really freaking wasted. Now, I don't drink often, and had only been really drunk once before, but nothing like this. I had decided to say the hell with it, and just give in every time someone told me to take a shot (oops), because I was tired of feeling like me, and quite frankly I wanted to drink all my sadness away. Ha it worked. I ended up drunk enough so that I went upstairs with some people, and ended up smoking some weed (which I had never done before). I was so drunk on my way up the stairs that I couldn't really see well. This guy Nick showed me how to use the pipe and whatnot, and kept telling me it was ok to cough. LOL And then he helped me down the stairs. So my cousin thinks it will be a good idea to take me to the bar (she didn't realize just how drunk I was, and didn't know I had just been smoking on top of it) I was so messed up in the bar that the bouncer threw me out as soon as I walked in. I was just standing there swaying. Hahaha. So we go back to the house, and I sat on the couch, and was given some water. The water was in a glass so I didn't want to hold, I was afraid I would drop it. At one point Nick walks by and I ask him to hand me the water. Lol And then I start rambling on about how he's such a nice guy and whatnot and end up saying I love him. Now granted I meant I loved him in the wow your a nice guy and your wicked cool kind of love, not the I am in love with you and want to tie you up and molest you kind of love, but I was too drunk to explain that and so just apologized for saying it. LOL Well, last weekend was a suprise party for my cousin, and Nick was there. This time I got drunk, but not that drunk. Nick got a bit tipsy this time himself. We are sitting around the kitchen table and he tells me something that just floored me. He told me that he had no life, and that that realization had put him in a deep depression. And then he decided to live his life for others. So now, to make him happy, he helps other people and he is good at it. I was like holy shit someone who thinks the way I do! I didn't realize that there were other people who had that same basic idea. Was definatly something I found very interesting.

Friends, Family, and Love.

I wonder if everyone has to actualize what their motivation is. I mean, make it an actual tangible thought, instead of allowing it to be sub-conscious, lay dormant. On days off, I lay there and go what *should* I do today, what do I *have* to do, and what do I *need* to do. I can do things I need to do without much effort. Aka, feed the rabbit, let the cat in and out, or do things that are on my schedule that affect other people such as going to work or the radio show. Things that I *have* to do such as clean, check the mail, pay bills, take a little more motivation. And then the things that I *should* do such as clean the rabbit cage, go to the gym, get out of bed and be productive or act like a normal human being, are a huge battle. I have to lay there and figure out why I should. Today, I got up and did the dishes, because my aunt would be stressed if I didn't. I didn't need or have to do the dishes, they aren't mine, and I have been hoping that someone else would do them. But I don't want my aunt to have any extra stress. So today, she was the motivation for getting out of bed. Because quite frankly, I could have stayed there until tomorrow. First, I tried to blame it on being sick, but then I realized I had the same problem wednesday, and the previous monday, when I wasn't sick. Are there people who live for themselves, instead of searching desperatly for others to live for? Or people who do things just because instead of needing to justify everything? I wonder. Without friends and family, and the animals which I fill my life with, I would have no motivation. If I packed up and moved to a place where I had none of the above, I wouldn't be long for this world at all. It would be over very quickly. I would literally have nothing to live for if someone asked. Heh, atleast now I am able to come up with an answer, even if its half made up and I have to search for a minute to find it. How intersting it could be to see inside the head of a person who was relatively sane and stable eh?

Arg. Fuck a duck man! Coldplay is going to be at the Orphium in Boston on Weds. I could definatly justify going to see them. Although simply getting to Boston is scary and there is no one to go with. And even if you get to Boston, you have to park somewhere else, and then walk to the Orphium and I could get lost. It would be scary. But who the hell cares if it would be scary. Imma have to find out when they will be around this way again so next time I can be prepared. *makes evil frustrated about to rip the persons arm off hiding under the lampshade critter noises*

Die food Die!!!!I hate food. Food is the enemy. ARG

Something....... I don't know..... I did though.... really

Its world HIV/AIDS week. All y'all should get tested, be safe, and donate blood!
I go to donate on 12/18... who's with me?

An example of a time when I might want to strangle my brother.
I ask him straight up what he wants for christmas, and what mom and mom's b/f want for christmas. He tells me he just wants cd's and then he tells me he has a list and then he says bye and leaves. D'oh. How am I supposed to know which cd's? I only see him maybe once a month.
Ok and apparently my aunt just thinks she's really funny with the whole making a cd and putting "Adidas" on it and then telling me that she dedicates that song to me and whatnot. It seems I am the family "good child" and completely and totally asexual. Now granted this is entirely my fault. I have never owned a poster of a cute guy, or came home gushing over someone, or even been over heard talking about how cute someone is or whatever it is that *normal* girls do to let their family know they are "guy crazy*. I was always far too conservative and self conscious to do any of that. I just sort of slipped the other night and said something about the guy who works at the gas station. Both my brother and my little cousin start cackling and tell me exactly what I have heard before. "Noone thinks of you like that or thinks that you think like that, because your just not like that... not the dating type" Evil little fuckers I hope they both have to have a catheter inserted by some big scary guy in the ER sometime. >:-P Confounded! Rofl no wonder my mom kept hinting at me to come out of the closet and my older cousin told my mom,aunt, a few of her friends, and lord only knows who else that I was an item with one of the girls at work. Jeepers. I should go out and sleep with every guy I can convince to sleep with me, and be loud and public about it, just to show them all. *laughs evilly* Ok so there are a few problems with that plan. 1. They wouldn't sleep with me 2. I would have actually talk to them first. 3. Ee Gads diseases and pregnancy. I swear my family is far too fertile and we should all be sterilized. 4. I am working on liking myself, and I wouldn't like myself if I thought I was a tramp.
Lol It always seems that the rules either shouldn't apply to me at all, or apply to me only. I don't/wouldn't like myself for doing certain things, however, other people can do them, and I still like and don't judge those people. If I am a work in progress, and all artists are their own hardest critics, and I am my own hardest critic, does that mean I am a peice of art??? hahaha alright I will stop entertaining myself now. blah

Its snowing like crazy outside. We were originally supposed to get 3-6 inches... now they are talking 4-9. Closed early.. like 2 instead of 6 early at work per order of the exec. director. Gotta love that man sometimes. lol. So I was leaving work to check and see if the gym was open (it wasn't because they close from 1-3) and I went to turn around. As I go to pull back onto the road I begin fishtailing. It was in slow motion it seemed... I'm just like oh la de da no big deal lol and then once I stopped fishtailing I was like oh shit I could have gone into a spin and hit the other cars and killed myself and all of them. OIY. Anyway, didn't scare me off the roads though. Went to the store and then back to the gym. Woohoo I won the oatmeal colored fleece hooded jacket. OHhh its so very nice and fleecy and hoody. I love it. I came home and was laying down. I fell asleep and woke up and still didn't know I had fallen asleep. Lol. I slept for like 30 mins. I only realized I had fallen asleep when I looked and saw my cat was next to me asleep instead of laying on my stomach where he had been. And then I looked at my stereo and saw that it was on song 12, instead of on song 3 as it had been. I was like, oh I must have fallen asleep... I didn't even have that woke up from an unplanned nap feeling. I would like to spend the rest of the winter in bed.. no one would mind right? Haha, I was thinking of taking a few days off after christmas.. Maybe going to my moms house for a while. Then I thought, I could just not tell the people I live with that I took time out of work, and just not come out of my room for like a week... they would never notice. Ah the sweet sweet world of delusions.

Hmmm. Maybe I really am supposed to live in Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Montana, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Alaska... Lol. I am not all eskimoy and loving the snow and whatnot and not able to stay out of it, however, I love snuggling up in things that are all warm and snuggly. Like... fleece and flannel and sweatshirts. For the last week/month, I have no concept of time, I have been bundled up like an eskimo. Lol. Two pairs of pants, atleast 2-3 shirts.. its great. The other night I fell asleep in my work out pants, with a pair of jeans over them, a turtle neck, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. Granted, thats not what I meant to sleep in, but I am regressing out of happyville, and part of that is sleeping in my work clothes it would seem. Anyway, I also do get a kick out of the snow, and how beautiful the sky is on a crisp cool night. The stars are never quite as pretty when its warm out. And who doesn't like to have an 80lb dog that is covered in hair to make a polarbear jealous on their bed? Thats where the expression its a 7 dog night came from. Or atleast supposedly. On nights when it was too cold, the eskimos would bring dogs into the igloo to add body heat. The colder it was outside, the more dogs they would bring inside. Granted that could be a complete lie, as I tend to live in a land of delusion... and sometimes, actually can't remember what was real and what I or someone else made up. Ee Gads I'm one scary chicka. Maybe its time for some prozac and a trip to butler. Oiy lol

Raaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Aaarrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Its my day off. I am torn. I lack motivation to do anything. I have a few things that need to be done. Wrapping gifts, laundry, more christmas shopping, the dishes, clean my car... And I want to go and get these things done. On the other hand, I want to go in my room, turn on the radio, and lay there and read all day long. Not get up. Until tomorrow when I have to go to work. Its a gym day, but I am two sore from the last two days to go today. So I plan on going tomorrow. Means I could even go to the shelter and walk a dog. Its nice enough out. But hiding in my room until tomorrow is the closest that I can get to curling up in dark cave and never coming out. I also want to eat every peice of food in the house, and don't want to eat anything at all. Lori Morgan (country singer) did a song about being confused. I can't bring up any of the words at the moment, or the tune, or even what the basic gist of the song was... but I can't help but think it should be my theme song. LOL I am a libra. Which is the scales. Which means that I am supposed to be balanced. So that 2+2=4 and the left is equal to the right, and so on and so forth. If you put a marble on one side, you need to put one on the other. Anyway, If you take my basic average on everything, I believe that I do come out in the middle. However, as we all learned, there are multiple ways to take an average. There is both a mean average and a mode average and a median average. I think there are a few others but I don't remember at the moment. With one of them, you add all the numbers and divide by how many. What ever number comes up is the average. With another one, you simply take the highest and lowest numbers and add them together and divide by 2. With the median, you line all the numbers up in a row, and then which ever one is dead center is your average. Well, If I am average, I must be the one where you only take the two extremes and divide by 2. I am never a little of this and a little of that. I want to be miss social butterfly and I want to be a complete and total hermit. I can be so optomistic, finding the good side of nearly every situation, and laughing everything off, no stress here, and then there are times when someone says boo and I am ready to kill myself and everyone along with me. LOL I am fucking bipolar without being bipolar! Woohoo smashing pumpkins. Favorite smashing pumpkins lines "I'm in love with my sadness", "Emptiness is loneliness, loneliness is cleanliness, cleanliness is Godlyness, AND GOD IS EMPTY!", oh and the wonderful "love is suicide". LOL *makes the evil Critters hiding under the lamp shade noise*

Sometimes, I don't know whether to hug my 12 yr old brother, or strangle him. Lol, The other night I took him to go see 8 Crazy Nights , which was better than I thought it would be. Anyway, he has been really supportive of me and going to the gym and whatnot. Which is really cool. So he is sitting there with a bag of popcorn and offers me some. I tell him no thanks. He asks if I really don't want any or if I just can't have any. Lol so I tell him that I can have some if I want to, but that I want to be beautiful more than I want popcorn hahaha. And he just looks at me and no shit sherlock I swear he goes, "Its hard to improve on perfection you know". I didn't say anything for like 2 minutes and then I just go "aaawwwwww yer so nice sometimes!" At which point he laughs and goes "Took you long enough to get it didn't it?" Isn't he nice? If I could just convince him to stop calling me a hooker and a whore and trying to beat me up we'd be all set. Its funny when I think about how when he was 6 yrs old or so, it took me two weeks to teach him to say something other than "oh" when I would say I love you. It started as a homework assignment for Health class. We were to tell someone in our family that we hadn't told in a while that we loved them. I realized I never told/tell anyone that I love them. So I figured it would be easiest with my little brother. Well he just looked at me and said "oh" and walked away. LOL Oiy, the crazy and yet mundane lives we lead.

*Sings* Show me the way to go home.... I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... Had a little drink about and hour ago, and it went straight to my head... Where ever I may roam.. by land or sea or foam (?) , You'll always hear me singing a song... Show me the way to go home...

Hahaha. Ok, so there is a sort of scary cat at work. She is only scary because she is a little spazzy, and about 3 months ago, she randomly freaked out and attacked my hand... and then did it again about 3 hours later when I went back in her cage to prove that it was a fluke. D'oh! Lol, I will just say that catbites suck. Anyway, today the manager decided we could put her upfront, in the adoption cages, once we gave her her distemper shot. So we were talking about our plan to give her the shot, who would hold her, which vaccine we'd use and such, and somehow Wendy, the manager, ended up saying, "I'm not holding her, she's all yours. Patches is your cat" We had been laughing sort of but I told her straight out not to say that any more, and that I would quit the next time I heard that an animal was mine. Lol.
I told her that if anyone, ever again told me an animal was mine, I would walk out the door and never look back because I couldn't go through that again. I think she was a little suprised that I turned on her so quickly. I mean, I didn't go all scary and yelling or anything, I was still chuckling (atleast I hope it wasn't all scary and whatnot) but I wanted her to understand how serious I was. I think I got the point across, because she didn't say it again. LOL. The real test will be if she shares this warning with anyone else in the shelter. Oiy. And she threatened to hunt me down and drag me back if I walked out. Lol. I love feeling that loved and needed. Reminds me that while I am not indespensible, I am difficult to replace, and they would rather not have too. Ahhh such a warm fuzzy feeling. LOL, ok so its certifiable that I am clinical nutso, but too damned bad. Alrighty off I go to go get ready to take my brother to the movies.. such an exciting life I lead.. what a Saturday night.

The girl walks up to the shelter, covered in snow, the water has begun to seap through her combat boots and her socks, and her two paris of pants. She stops half way across the parking lot, and looks at the sky, not ready to face the looks she will recieve from the people in the building. Not ready to appear ok yet. She takes a moment, and goes over to the fence where there are three dogs playing together in the yard. The girl sticks her arm through the fence, and pets the dogs, a pair of brothers on their last morning together, and a long term resident of the shelter whose time is running out. Finally she decides she is ready to go inside. Approaching the door, she takes her hair down and shakes out the snow. She puts her gloves in her pockets, and dusts all of the snow and ice off of her jacket and boots. She paints on a smile and opens the door.
"Hello," she says to the manager who peeks up from the computer.
"Wow, Megen is like the postal service, not rain or sleet, or snow or sun, or even a busted car on her day off will stop her from showing up," the manager says with a grin.
Megen, the girl, chuckles and shrugs off her backpack and walkman in the next room.
"So," Megen inquires jokingly,"I want to know who won the pool and how much it was on how long it was going to take me before I started coming in regularly on my days off again".
They all just sort of laugh a little and don't respond. Megen decides not to mention how empty the bike path would be and how beautiful her long gone dog would look with the snow. The other people might not understand, and she doesn't want them to know how much she still hurts. Instead she makes up some excuse about having a broken car and having to go the gym, and how the shelter being so close is the next logical step, because the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. She thinks she might take a dog for a walk on the bike path, but her legs are tired, and she might have a 3 mile walk ahead of her still, and she just doesn't feel up to spending time with another dog today. She wants her dog. The dog she lost. The dog she decided not to save 2 months ago. Instead she makes herself busy trying to help a cat that needs some extra attention....

Ok, so that was yesterday. I missed him so much, the bike path would have been empty. I could have attached him to the 30ft. training lead, and jogged along after him. He would have been beautiful in the falling snow. And I wanted to say something to them, the other people at the shelter, about my pain, because thats what you do with friends. You tell them when your hurting. And thats how I think of the people I work with. I love them a bunch. But I couldn't share my pain. Never let the enemy know when you are wounded. And in this matter, unfortunatly, they seem to have to assume the position of the enemy.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this pain will end at some point. I won't miss him so much anymore. Another animal will take his place. And yet I don't want to let it go... blah

Wow, Today was Thanksgiving. It was the best Thanksgiving I can ever remember having. The only one ever where I didn't feel like something was seriously missing. It was nice.

Woohoo! It snowed. We actually even got some. I didn't think we would when they kept saying it was going to snow.. I mean last year, they kept saying it was going to snow... and it would.. in CT. We never got more than a dusting that would dissappear later that same day. Today we had 1-3 inches I would guess.

So, today, I realized something. I think I realized it anyway, and if I didn't, I'v atleast started to. I can only be me. I can't be anyone else. And while there are some things about me that I may not like, and may not be able to change, I can, and am allowed to change some things that I may not like and that are changeable. I am a work in progress. And anyone who doesn't like that, well I'm sorry I didn't conform to what they wanted, but I can't make everyone happy all the time. And someone once told me, I had to love all people in order to love anyone, and in order to love all people, I had to love myself. Now this is all stuff I have probably been fed my entire life... but only now am I starting to take it to heart, and be able to accept it as truth. Pretty heady stuff man. Lol I was at the gym doing my workout when all of this dawned on me... I just sort of stopped and stood there for a moment going "Woah...". Rofl. So I may not be my own biggest fan at this point, but I am making progress. :-)

*Sings* Sleigh bells riiiiiiiiiinnnng, are ya listn'n, in the laaaaaaaaaannnnne snow is glistn'n

Ok so I am so ready for it to be all Christmassy. Like, I wanted Christmas carols on the radio the day before Halloween. Normally I am not one to be all over zealous about the holiday season. Not that I am a grinch or a scrouge, just sort of average probably. But this past year has been so very.... errr.. interesting, that by golly I am ready for that warm cozy fuzziness that is supposed to come with the holiday season. So who is with me? Lol, And its coming up fast folks, Thanksgiving is falling so late this year, we have less time than usual between Thanksgiving and Christmas. *Runs about spreading love and good cheer and all that rot* Lol

Tada! Looky at what I found. Heehee, still the same old me apparently, I actually thought it would be different, as I can't remember any of the answers from last year. Lol. Oiy, I need a life.




Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

Ok, so its not my favorite quiz ever, but oh well. Lol I think I still have the new years resolution saved somewhere.. maybe its just about time for me to take that one again, wonder if it will be any different this time around. Oiy. Ok, so we have all heard that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? Which basically means that if the kid is a jerk, the parents are jerks too. And we all know that many things are are hereditary, such as looks and diseases and such. Alcoholism is one of the many things that they say is somewhat hereditary. Meaning that there may not be an actual genetic code that produces an alcoholic, but that if your parent (s) are, than you probably have an addictive personality, and therefore should be more wary about abusing substances yourself.
I never heard anything about work-a-holics though. I mean, I have spent my life being wary of drugs, cigaretts, alcohol, and unplanned children, because I know my mom had had a problem with all of the atleast at one point in her life, which is part of the reason that she is/was not happy. I never realized though that I would pick up my family's working habits. Falling for a job that you like, but where you work yourself to the bone, deal with other people's bullshit (but then again what job doesn't have that), and make piss poor money/benefits. *shrugs* I like to think that I will not be a work-a-holic if I have something else to focus on. I remember when I was literally living for work. I mean, honestly, thats what made me stay in RI, and thats what helped keep me alive when I finally lost all logic and began to wonder exaclty when I would stop caring completely. After all, I couldn't leave them stranded at work could I? Its scary to think of how bad it can get/ has gotten/ could get again.
You know how to tell a person who is/has been suicidal, from a person who never has been? Its easy. A person who has never been there asks why a suicidal person doesn't just ask for help. Because, you know, its that easy, all you have to do is ask. They don't know that to ask for help is impossible. Or that you will feel cheated somehow if you are "fixed" with medication. For some people medication is great. My mom is always on meds. There are times when she even is taking like 3 times the normal dose to get through. She knows that this is the only way, because she does have a clear chemical imbalance. Thats a terrifying thing, hearing your mother, the only one who makes it safe to come home, say that she just wants to shoot herself in the head. Its mighty scary when the "grown ups" loose control. I was about 15 when I heard her say that. I was in my room, and she was just outside the door, which was nothing more than a blanket. She either didn't know I was there, or thought I was sleeping. Either way, I just layed there and cried silently. I waited another hour before I dared to leave my room, so that she never knew I had heard.

I wish I could just take all of the pain in the world, and stick it in a bottle, and swallow it whole. Let no one hurt any more, no one be sad, and no one be suicidal. I want to be SuperMeg *strikes the up up and away pose*, and save them all. Will I ever stop wanting to save them all? No, probably not. It has taken me a long time to realize that I can't, and to possibly come to terms with it. Lol although sometimes when I am not paying attention, it comes around and bites me in the ass again. Makes me feel jaded though. I wonder what happened to the person who would cry every time anyone else cried. Now sometimes I have to work just to get tears to come. Much more of an angry cry now. Instead of a sad, broken hearted crying. Blah.


Which Buffy Alter Ego Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

*Sings* This is not for real, afraid to feel, I just hit the floor don't ask for more, I'm wasting my time....Just take it all again...

AAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!. Lol, I think. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aarrrrgggh.

*sings*I'm only happy when it rains, why does it feel so good to feel so bad, I'm only happy when it rains

Ok, I'm done

Alright, so I made what I would consider a huge stride in my grieving for my dog today. Some people may think it is simply a step in regression, but bah.
Ok so anyway, with the large step. I went to the shelter, ( I know it was my day off, but it was far too nice out and I couldn't have taken this step on a day I was working) and took a dog out for a walk. Its the first time since Cubby was euthanized that I have voluntarily taken a dog out. And you know what? It felt good. The dog was well behaved, better than he is at the shelter, and I got to learn a little about the dog, and sort of felt like I was honoring my Cubby dog by not turning a cold shoulder on the rest of the dogs who may just need some tlc while at the shelter. No one can ever tell me that shelter animals are actually unloved. I love all of them.

Oh yeah, the tastes like chicken thing is probably because I gave like 3 answers to each questions... Woohoo and it let me!!!!!!! Perfect for girl who is all over the place. LOL. I only gave answers that fit, its not my fault that they had multiple ones that worked. Ok so heres the last one for today.

What Pattern Are You?

Plaid huh? Interesting..... although I like what it says. Good enough. Adios

Hmmm... Tastes like Chicken. Am I chicken? Am I a frog? Am I human? All unfamiliar meats taste like chicken, and that's what I am, an unfamiliar meat. What Flavour Are You?

hehehe, I vaguely think I took this one before, and got the same answer. *EG* Maybe not great, but any answer has to be better than the answer of cold fish I got on another test. Oiy. I need a life. LOL

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole


ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Far far from what I was expecting. Oiy. Does this mean I somewhat resemble Lisa? Good golly gosh I guess I hope so when the options are considered. Well lets see, I have similar crazy hair sticking out all over the place, and I used to play the saxaphone, and I did pretty well in school. Oh deary. Lol.

Ok, how many people dream about work....... regularly??? Come on now, raise your hands. Like dream about work regularly enough, and the dreams are real enough, that when you wake up you are truly confused as to whether parts of the dream were real or not? This seems to be an ongoing issue for me. I dreamt last night that I was supposed to work today, and that I had forgotten. And then there were things that were very real about the dream, as in stuff that carried over from yesterday. (only natural I suppose, but still!) So when I did wake up I was like, Oh shit! am I supposed to work today? I sat there for a minute trying to untangle my pajamas from my blankets and sheets, and figured out that I was almost positive that I really did have the day off. The longer I am awake, the more rational reasons I have to support my conclusions. Lol. Like I didn't think I had to work today last night. I didn't think I had to work today until I had already woken up once about an hour before I actually got up. I didn't think I had to work around 7 am. However, when my little cus came and woke me for a ride to school, thats when I thought I had to work. Sleep is supposed to be an escape, the time when you don't have to worry about work, or whatever it is that wears you down right? So what the hell am I doing interrupting my only time that I ever get to stop thinking about the shelter by dreaming about it? I mean, I could give you a few things that I would much rather dream about, tyvm. Oh well, as usual I just don't know. Blah.

Arg, you know whats annoying? I left the book I am reading at work. Now, I have nothing to read when I go to bed. Well besides the 10 other books I have laying around waiting to be read, but thats not the point. I don't want to start another book until I have finished the other one. It just gets confusing when your reading 2 or 3 different books lol. Plus then I can never decide from night to night which one I want to read. Blah maybe I should just find something better to do than read huh? HA! I didn't say that it was my evil twin really. My legs hurt, I sort of hauled ass on my walk. I need new shoes to go walking in, because mine aren't all that great, and are more skater style than athletic style. There is a big difference in how the inside of a skater shoe and an athletic shoe are made. I just am not always good at buying myself stufff and so haven't bought an extra pair of sneakers yet. Lol. Dude!
When I went to visit my mom last week, I was wearing a pair of my designated "work" jeans. Which means that they are a bit old, and I don't mind too much if they get completely ruined. Well anyway, these jeans were too big for me, like held up by a belt too big. So the next morning my mom asks me when I am leaving for home. I tell her I'm not sure yet. So she's all like, ok well as long as its later so that we can go and get you some pants that fit. She bought me 3 new pairs of jeans! Woohoo go mom. Lol. Anyway, I was stoked and just had to share that.
Heres a band to think about... Big headed todd and the monsters... they are interesting, in a good sorta way. Peace out G.