It's strange to me that I have to have some very tangible motivation to go to the gym and eat well and such. Blah, its annoying, its easy enough when the motivation is there, but when the motivation isn't... its impoosible.
Keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
Cus I just can't go through
Another heart ache again...
He was my strongest weakness,
I surrenedered heart and soul...
It's gonna be a long long time
till I regain control
I'm still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he'll always be
....Now he's gone and life goes on..
And if this pain will ever end..
Will I be afraid, to risk it all
And ever love one again.... -Wynonna Judd-
Ok stupid of me to think things about a dog I know, but its true. I can't bring myself to get attached to another animal. I like them all, sure I do, but I don't have a particular fondness for any of them at the shelter. And I havven't since I lost Cubby. Because, quite frankly, I can't afford too. I don't want to be in that much pain ever again. And the only way to really avoid it is to not let any of them get to me. Instead I feel myself drawn to one of the horses at the farm, for no reason that I can fathom. I don't know any more, not that I ever did. I thought that someday I would.. that I would be able to change my addy because I wouldn't be so confusded any more, but I'v come to realize that I will always be lost and confused. I will never know all the answers, as much as I want to.

I love my landladies, they are too funny. I can hear them sniping at eachother occassionally in the hall. I get nervous, thinking they are fighting, but its just the normal back and forth of two people who love each other and occassionally get on each others nerves. Its been a long time since I was that comfortable with anyone... I don't think I'v ever been that secure and comfortable with anyone. They like my cat so much they keep coming to visit him. Lol its great.

I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.

Yay!! One of the kittens I was fostering has been adopted. It was being picked up just as I walked in the door from work. 1 down 3 to go. I sitll have the other 2. They might be moving to a sotre to be adopted out tomorrow, but I am not sure. When I walked in the door, Freddie wandered out into the hall way looking for the kitten. He was wondering why he is missing one now. But now he seems to be relaxing, adjusting so quickly to having two to look after instead of 3. He likes playing dad or big brother I think. He does a good job at it, and takes to it so naturally. He would have made a good father. Although its good that he was neutered before he could breed, as he came from a small colony of feral cats. And his father never would have allowed him to breed anyway, Tom was far too much king of the roost and bossy to allow such a thing. A ladies man he must have thought of himself, as none of the other male cats were allowed to touch the female cats.Cat heirarchy, how interesting and ever changing.

It's one thing to have a lot on your plate, its a whole other thing to have so much on yoru plate that the plate is ready to break in half, and stuff is falling off the sides. I was working my tail off on Tuesday from 7 am until 9 pm, and then i picked up dinner, and drove home, which took another hour, it took me 10 minutes to wolf down a half cold calzone, pull off my boots, and promptly collapse into a near coma. I guess it serves me right for not doing much of anything productive at all on monday. But oh well, I needed a day to relax, between work, and the farm, and grooming the horse, and taking care of 3 foster cats, plus my own pets, I was beat. Things are still busy busy, but should be getting relatively normal and situated some time in the almost near future. Once we are back up to a full crew at work, and the kittens are gone, things will be that much easier. I haven't found time to go to the gym in weeks. I feel bad, now everytime I do walk in they always give me a look and ask me where I have been. Makes me want to avoid them, and even less likely to go! I guess I just have to suck it up, and find time to get there. I have the time, Its just that that 45 minutes I am usually using to sleep, or spend with my cat, or stop by the shelter, or get to the farm early or whatever. I will have to figure it out, becdause I do want to keep going. And I don't want to pay $30 a month and then not use it. I don't like to waste money like that. So I will ahve to figure it all out. Yippy skippy.

Animal Rescue/Welfare/Sheltering/Care, ... (maybe not rescue, but I don't know what to call it), can be a job, it can be a hobby, it can be a way of life. It can be all three, none of the above, or some combination. For me I think its some combination of all three. I work at an animal shelter, so very clearly its a job. I volunteer at a theraputic riding facility(so I can be close to the horses), have pets of my own, so it is a hobby as well. I take home animals that need extra tlc, I am fostering 3 kittens for my landladies, I take care of their horse, so its also a way of life for me. Some people at work see it as just a job. Other people see it as just a job, but think that other people should be devoted whole heartedly to it. I think I'm kind of the only one who really looks at it as all three. Or maybe others look at it as all three, only instead of focusing so much on the shelter, focus more of their attention on other aspects of it. I don't know. I konw that we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses, and we probably all are subject to being the one that a couple of the others are griping about. Things seem to get rather catty at times. I wish there could be less moaning and groaning behind each others backs, and more open, outright communitcation. It would help us all do a better job, we would get along better, all be that much less stressed. And if I were being told what people's gripe with me is, then atleast I won't be sitting here wondering wdhat they are thinking, what they are saying to each other about me. The underlying reason I would like more open communication seems selfish, and it is, although it has a perfectly logical aspect as well. Hmmm, how very interesting.

Just got home from picking up some dogs that came up to our shelter from West Virginia. Had to go to Connecticut to pick them up. The trip should have been about 3 to 3 1/2 hours round trip... It turned out to be more like 5. Ugh, there was traffic and construction, it was pretty wretched. Although I got to borrow a van that had a radio. Which made the entire trip very very nice, because it sucks driving 5 hours with no radio. Lol, I'v been there done that, it gets a little crazy. Found this really cool radio station in CT too that I would love to find a sister station too in RI. I don't know what kind of music its called, but its all like native american flutes and percussion and basically stuff that you could meditate too or do something else on the spiritual sort of nature. Its great backround music, and there are almost no commercials. And there were no songs that really went against my grain if you know what I mean. You know, when your listening to something, and there is just a song or two that you can't stand to listen to because it annoys you. Yeah, there was none of that. It was cool beans daddio. I crashed at a friends house last night. I didn't realize how badly I needed to have a girls night until I was there, laughing away, and realizing that I felt 100% better than I had 45 minutes earlier as I was driving there bawling my eyes out. I guess I just needed a few jokes from some friends and a few shots of captain morgan to get over the blues. lol. I'm fostering these three kittens, about 5 wks old now, they live in a rabbit cage near my bed. They were in teh cage all day yesterday, and all night last night, plus almost all day today. I got home, let them out while I went to go pick up the dogs, and then I put them back when I got home so freddie could have some quiet time, and because I am going to bed soon. They are freaking out. Pushing up against the bars and screaming and such. They want out. I will liet them out in the morning before I clean up all the messes they made. Not those kinds of messes, but just general messy things, like kibble spilled around, and litter tossed around and such. They will be adopted in a few weeks though. Anyway, good night and good riddance.

I'v been waking up sad the last..... few days..... maybe into the last week or two. Thats how it starts, I find myself sad when I wake up, and then it continues to follow me into the rest of the day. Then it starts waking me up randomly in the early early morning, between 2:30 and 5:30, just wake up crying, depressed. Waiting and hoping morning will come soon so I can get up and be active and pretend to forget about it. Then I won't be able to drive without crying. And then I will be depressed everytime I am not immediately doing something else, smiling, pretending to be ok. Thats where the cycle goes. I'm not really sure how to prevent it, how to stop it in the phase its in, how to reverse it, or skip ahead to the being numb and being "ok" part. How to skip all the bad steps in between. I don't know what it is that has me waking up sad. I just know that when my alarm clock goes off, and I get up and am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and doing whatever it is that I do before going to work, I am sad. I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do before everything is really completely and totally hunky dory and dandy. Just down right ducky. Maybe real people never actually get to that part. But I think, I think, I believe that there are people who don't do this. Who are ok almost constantly. And I think that those people are actually the rule, not the exception. But I'm not sure. And I don't know how to find out. And even if I did find out, what would that mean? Probably nothing. Then I would just know for a fact that I am screwed up instead of normal, which is simply an opinion, a belief instead of a fact at this point.

I was at work on Tuesday, and two people came in and asked me "what happened to that chow", referring to Cubby. And both people remembered me as the girl who wanted to adopt him, who was so in love with him, that he was always introduced to everyone as "Megen's dog". Both people who I hadn't seen since last summer when they came into the shelter, both came in at different times on the same day. And both asked about "that chow". One lady just looked at me and said she doesn't know how I can live with so much sadness everyday. I found thta very interesting. And then 15 minutes later an older couple came in and told me how "it must be soooo much fun to work here". I was exasperated, and just sort of looked at them funny and was like.. Uhhh, well I guess sometimes. I didn't know how to tell them how sad it can be, how tiring and frustrating and all consuming it can be. Oh well, I Possibly messed up by not just going, "yeah its great I love it", and by not being able to expalin why I wasn't saying that. *shrugs* I am fostering these three 4 wk old kittens for my landladies. They are living in a spare bunny cage in the livingroom/bedroom, for the last coupble of days. I let them out for play time when I am home. Freddie hated them at first, and now he is on the floor trying to play with them. It's pretty cute.

Ok, so more on what I was saying earlier, as I was so kindly interrupted. My whole life would be different, and I would still be looking to fill some void, that Freddie, Gita, and Cubby simply couldn't fill. I would not be able to volunteer 3 days a week at the farm, I wouldn't have been able to move out, I wouldn't have a good relationship with my cat. I wouldn't have been able to go to the conference for work, or to any of the parties that I have since gone to. I wouldn't have been able to go to friends houses for the night, and I wouldn't be able to ... do a lot of different things. I miss him. I feel guilty about not adopting him. I have his picture framed on top of my computer monitor. It's the only picture I have that is framed or on display. I hesitate to get attached to any other animals. But I understand how different things would be if I had adopted him. Just something I have been thinking about. May 16th will be the 8th month since he was euthanized. Destroyed. I just don't know.

I was thinking, if I had adopted the dog, my dog, The Cubby-Bear Dog, my whole life would revolve around taking care of him, and keeping him safe, as well as keeping him out of situations where he could possibly be aggressive.

The turtle ate, and ate well today!!! I put some more of the worms in the tank, dropped them right in front of him, and onto the plants that are in there. The turtle went right down (after fighting through the plants for 10 minutes) and gobbled some up! And he is still looking for more to eat. LOL. He is a little slow on catching them, they drop right on top of him, and then slide off and slip under the gravel. And they are quick when he tries to take a chomp. Jump right out of his way. My toes are cold and my face is hot. I'm so confused. lol.

Love's the only house, big enough for all the pain in the world Ouch I hurt. It's probably just pms bullshit, but I'm sad, and lonely, and weepy. :-( The tears just roll down my face, fall out of my eyes, without much provocation, and I do nothing to stop them. Gggrrrrrrrrrrr! I want ... I don't know, I just don't know, I don't know. I want something real, someone real, someone, something tangible, in arms reach, I want to be able to tell soemone when I am sad, when I am crying, when I need a hug. I don't want to stay alone in my misery. And I don't just want someone who I can do this with, but I want to be able to do this, to actually have the ability to go up to someone when I am sad, and saying, help, I am sad. What is so fucked up with me that I can't do that?! Funny, I found something out a few weeks ago that explains a lot. My mom didn't not love me when I was younger, she simply played head games with me, so that I would think she didn't love me, didn't care, so that I would cling to her more. It worked like a charm. And I never knew it, not until I was talking to my cousin a few weeks ago, and she mentioned it. Wow, no wonder I have issues.

Our new executive director wants to do things by the books, payroll wise. She wants people being payed for all hours they are there and everything. We are all shocked. Today she jokingly threatened to fire me if I didn't take lunch or a break when she told me to. Haha, cus thats insubordination. A boss, ordering someone to take a break, or to take lunch...?? Shocking I know, especially in our field. We are still trying to adjust to her, she is sooooo different than the director who we just... errr.. who is no longer being the director. LOL. My mom called every number on the lotto just before they came up a few weeks ago. I was like, "Damn mom, you could be one of the commercials for why its necessary to always buy your ticket" Yay!!!!!!!! The turtle is eating! I don't know if he eats any of the turtle food, or the live worms that I put in there, cus they go hide when I drop them in the water. But I see him eating the live plants that I put in the tank yesterday. Woohoo, I was getting concerned.

ohhh I'm a tired girl this evening. I went to the gym today for the first time in 2-3 weeks. It was good. And I cleaned some, and took care of the horse out back, and then went to the Theraputic riding place. I got to lead the horses for two lessons, out on trail rides. Just got home a little while ago, to find my turtle (still not named) stuck half upside down in the corner of the tank. I thought he was dead, when I dropped him back in the water, he didn't do anything. No swimming or anything, just got pushed away by the filter. So I pulled him out of the water and put him on his rock, thinking I should just throw him out, and feeling bad, but I had to be sure, and then I'm watching him sit on the rock and I thought I might have seen him move his head. But I wasn't sure, because it was so minute, and when you want a dead animal to move, you can always see them move. (or atleast thats been my experience) Anyway... So I leave him there a few minutes and then he starts really moving... just his head at first, but then finally he got up and walked around for a minute and then went back into the water. So tonight I have to rearrange the tank, so he doesn't get stuck tomorrow while I will be gone for 14 hours.

Oh and I think its a painted turtle, although he doesn't have the red stripes on his back/body yet. But they may develop with time.

I went to and returned from the conference in NH. It was fun, and I learned a lot, and had a chance to talk to alot of other shelters. It was good. My car made it all the way there and back without trouble! Wooooot! This girl was volunteering at the shelter today, and I had her take a dog out for a walk. She found a baby turtle on her way back. Its cute, about the size of a quarter. So she brought it back to the shelter, because it was just sitting on the side of the road, and somehow, I now have it. In a few minutes I will be running over to walmart to pick up some supplies for him. I don't know what I will be naming the turtle, or how long I will keep him. He is in a mixing bowl with some water, grass, and a small bowl upside down to provide him something to climb on to get out of the water at the moment. I don't really have any where handy to keep him, but I will make room. I'm torn between keepoing him and letting him go, so I will keep him for now. The we will just see how things go. Ok, I'm gonna go run and get his supplies now, I just had to come online and do a little research about what he eats and all that fun stuff.

Woohoo!! I went out to feed Bear, the horse, this evening. He let me go over him with a brush, and pick his feet, without putting his halter on or tieing him up. He just stood there and let me do it! Ah thats so exciting, specially since he is known to not pick up his feet for you, and for making you chase him to put his halter on so that you can tie him to groom him. And when I was done, I was able to get him to go into his stall without having to bribe him or fight with him, or use a lead rope or anything. Maybe he likes me? I hope so.

My computer randomly decided it didn't like my mouse, or my mouse randomly decided it didn't like my computer, or my rabbit actually managed to damage the mouse wire when he bit it, but either way, my mouse died. The computer kept telling me it didn't exist any more. But I got a new one, and its working wonderfully thus far. Woohoo.

There is this ... want to self destruct I guess that is always threatening to over take me. To just curl up somewhere half out of consciousness forever. You know that feeling that you get when your laying on the beach or something? And your yees are closed, and your warm, and you can hear everything going on around you, but it all seems so far away, and your kind of drifiting around aimlessly inside your head, inside your own little world. Sometimes I want to succumb to that, and make that everlasting. To never have to come too. To just stop existing. I don't feel this way nearly as often as I did, but its still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and catch me by suprise. I took Freddie out on his harness again today. I knew I shouldn't have trusted it. I was carrying him and he was ok, but then there was just too much sensory input and he began to panic. So I put him down and tried to press him to the ground, but I wasn't quick enough, and he hit the end of his leash and gave a quick wriggle and was out of the harness. He went aoround the front of the house and got up on the step, but when I approached he got off the step, looking for another door I guess. I quickly unlocked the door and whistled, Thankfully he came back and saw the open door and darted inside. I almsot lost him. He could have run into the road, or gone over the fence, or gone into the back yard with all the other animals. I could have spent the next week trying to locate him, and keeping an eye out on the road to make sure he wasn't catsplat-crow treats. Oiy. It was scary.