My place is a total disaster, and Freddie thinks I don't love him any more. I went away for a week, left him at my moms house, came home for a week, now I am petsitting for someone, so only come home for about an hour a day, and don't spend the night here. I spoke to my mom today, she said something very odd. I was talking about the fair, and said that I couldn't afford to go every day. She said, "well, you never know". :-s I find this rather worrysome, although not too badly, because I am fairly confident that she does not have tons of money in the bank, and so therefore, I wont become rich if she... erm... passes on. It just seemed like an odd thing to say... I wanted to be like.. what do you know that I don't... I didn't say that though.

I just read this book, in about two days. Its called Almost Lost. Its about a boy who practically goes over the edge, and his journey back. Its a true story, and the entire book is actually writings of what was said during his therapy sessions, and is written with his permission, by his therapist. IN the book is a lot of information on how negative thoughts and feelings are contagious, infectious, destructive, and how we make these feeling grow and grow and grow, and how to prevent that. It was a very good book, and I strongly suggest that anyone who has battled with depression, does battle with depression, or has a family member who battles with depression should read it.
I have been dreaming alot lately. Tossing and turning. The last three nights, I have actually pulled the fitted sheet off of my bed, right out from under me. Mydreams have been about people. About people with me, being my friends, loving me, as me. I am very lonely. There is a whole lot of no one in my life. I talk to people at work, and sometimes when I am online at home. But I don't have the normal friends and social calls that every average, normal person has. It makes me sad.

Ouchers, my neck hurts. I went to the fair yesterday, it was *shrug* alright I guess. I have this problem for some reason where I cry when I am at the fair. Actually, its more like, when I am at the fair, and see someone else having way too much fun. It starts as a chuckle and turns into my trying desperatly holding back tears. I am so envious of when other people have fun, it reminds me of how much fun I never have. My life is work... when I am not at work, I am at the farm volunteering, if I am not there, I am home. Doing a heck of a lot of nothing. I am home so much, you would think I would be able to keep my apartment clean, however, I honestly do almost nothing when I am home. I mean, I sit, with the computer on, and sort of stare off into space, sometimes talking to people on line, sometimes paying some attention to whats on tv, but thats about it. And thats what I do, all night long. I need to get a life. I need to have something to live for. I need to have fun, I need to do fun things. I need to not always be "the most responsible, mature, __yr old that __________ have ever seen". Blah.

I'm back. It was fun. Caught up on some sleep. Freddie stayed at my moms house. I went to pick him up tonight, but he got out, and he hasn't come back yet. I will keep my fingers crossed that he will be back tomorrow. I will probably make up a flyer tomorrow if I get a chance at work.

My brother and I went to see Pirates of the Carribean the other night. I thought I wasn't really going to like the movie. It was really really good. I mean, great. I would see it again. It was pretty funny, and much much better than the previews had made it out to be. My brother has been staying the weekend, as my mom went away with Mike. As much fun as we have together, he makes insane. I just can't deal with it. LOL is why I can never have children. He has been trying to get Freddie to come over to him for an hour now, and everytime he calls Freddie, Freddie comes over to me and gets in my lap. LOL Freddie won't even look at him.

I broked the phone. :*(. I went to make some calls to see if I can find pony and hay rides for a fundraiser, and my phone isn't working. It was all wet, I think some rain came in the window. It might be ok once it dries out, but then again it might not be. Maybe I shouldn't leave the phone in the window any more. lol. And the board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to have some more information for them by then. Oiy, theres a wrench in the works again it seems. LOL, isn't there always?

EEEEEEKKKKKK! I bounced some checks! I don't know which ones or how many but I know I checked my balance at the atm and it was -$165!!!!! I nearly had a heartattack in the middle of walmart. Oiiiyyyyyy, I can't believe I did that. I have to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit my paychecks. I have a month of back paychekcs that I have not deposited yet, simply because I have not gone to the bank. Ugh, how could I be so stupid!!!

Saving the World

I used to empathize all the time. With everyone, everything. I used to want to protect everyone from feeling any pain at all, to take it all on myself. I was quite a glutton for emotional punishment. It nearly killed me. Now, I avoid emotional pain as much as possible. I stopped trying to save the world, stopped listening to everyone else's problems, stopped letting any of it in. If something would begin to hurt, if Iwould begin to feel, I would just block it off. Get out of the situation, distract myself. I want to have the motivation to help again. I want to be inspired by other people's pain enough to try to help. I mean, I know people who's lives seem to be falling apart. One of the girl's at work almost had her dog pts for biting, another girl broke up with her b/f, moved back to her mom's house, and then the mother of one of her good friends was murdered. Something was going on mentally with my upstairs neighbor, poor Bill checked himself into rehab the other day. The landladies says that it looks like he was possibly getting ready to do something drastic by the way his apartment was. I wanted to tell them to tell him that he can come talk to me whenever he wants to. I mean, he can, but I thought that would be a bit odd. I wish I could have helped him though, helped the two girls at work, help everyone who feels pain. I want the motivation to really feel bad for the animals at the shelter, to be frustrated to doing something by the fact that they get worse with us, instead of better. I want to want to save the world, and I want to be able to live with that want. To not have it, and the knowledge of the fact that I can't save the world push me over the edge. To find the balance between being empathetic/motivated/inspired, and being exhausted, hopeless, and suicidal due to the daunting task of it. I guess thats why I am finally going on vacation. To be able to stop, take a breath, and say, "ok, I can do this, here we go".

Greiving

In my life, I'v known plenty of people, animals, that have come and gone in my life. They have passed away, or moved away, and so on and so forth. Cubby is the only one that I have greived for for a prolonged period of time. Granted, the circumstances around the dog were very, very difficult for me, so that's probably part of it. But I mean, come on, tomorrow marks the 10th month! Its almost been a year. Most of the time, I'm fine. Its not a constant, 24/7 battle at this point, but it still gets me on occassion. *shrug* Oh well.

Oregon, Oregon, Oregon!

Wooohoooo I'm really really really really really really really going to Oregon! Like, I'm not even joking! We went and bought the tickets today. First thing this morning. I am now $425 poorer, but guess what. I'M GOING TO OREGON!!! Its about freaking time.

They come to us in our dreams

I had a dream last night, this morning. I was renting an apartment from my great-aunt, and her upstairs tenant wanted a dog. I had to house sit for them, so I brought them Cubby, or they already had Cubby or something. Anyway, somehow, he got out. The first time he came back pretty much immediately. Then he got out again. And I couldn't find him, and he didn't come back. I searched for him frantically. I couldn't find him. I was so sad. The people came home, and then I found him! He was so happy to see me. Gave me kisses and sat in my lap. :-) I gave him to the people, and then Glory (a dog at work) was there, and I looked out the window, and both dogs were allowed to be loose in the yard, and they were playing, running around. But the neighbors, Cubby's family, came to me because they needed training help. They didn't think they could keep him. I wanted to help them, but I was so excited that they might decide not to keep him. If they didn't keep him, I had decided that I would adopt him, even if I had to live at my great-aunts for the rest of his life. It kind of caught me by suprise. I woke up and went back to sleep and was still in the same dream. When my alarm went off, I hit snooze so that I could try to go back into the dream and spend more time with him. More time. Morning came to fast I guess. I don't know what happened in the dream. I never got past deciding to take him. I wish I could go back in to find out how the story ends. It was like watching a good movie, you are just dying to see what happens next. I guess its just not meant to be though. Liz says that when we dream about the deceased, it usually means they have come to us and are with us and are trying to communicate. I don't know if the same goes for dogs, but I do know that I miss him, and that I was soo happy when he was happy to see me. Ok, I'm late for work now, so off I go.

They come to us in our dreams

Ugh

I'm tired, and my throat hurts. I don't know my throat hurts, it just does. Also, I'm not speaking to my uterus at the moment, it is being difficult. hahaha. Freddie is wicked crabby about the new foster kittens. Lol, he is growling alot, and he swatted at and nipped one of my landladies the other day.

A horse is a horse, of course, and Oregon

Awwww, I tho thad... In Harmony, the horse farm, was off for two weeks, so I didn't get to go down there, and my landladies horse was put to sleep, so I haven't been working on him in a few weeks, (well duh), and then yesterday I was excited cus I was going to the farm, but then I got a call saying that they are not having monday classes any more. Ok, so no more mondays. Then today I go down there, and there is no longer a 6pm tuesday class! So the only class I get to work in now is the wednesday class. Awwwww that makes me sad. I miss the horses. Ok, so about Oregon. I'm going!!! I didn't think we would really be able too, and I almost told my boss today that I wasn't really going, that it was gonna be like all the other times I had tried to go on vacation, however, when I got home I had a call. The price is still $400, but Grace can get $200 together. If I lend her the other $200, she will pay me back $50 a week for 4 wks. Woooohooooo we are going to Oregon!!! *does the I'm going to Oregon dance*

"Your a mad lot of suckers"

On the news they were doing a report about how americans don't get as much vacation time as many of the other countries. Even China has 15 guaranteed payed vacation days a year. We have none legally. Well anyway, on the news, they asked some people from the UK what they thought about our hard work effort. And they showed one older man saying "your a mad lot of suckers". Rofl, sorry, But I get a kick out of that, mostly because it is true.

I would hate to be President Bush. Since he took office, the economy has just been on a downhill slope. He can't seem to be able to pull the nose up. That and the war, and 9/11... even his more loyal followers have got to be questioning his ability in a re-election. Whether he is simply unlucky in his timing, doing a really wretched job, or a combination of both, I don't honestly know. I decide not to pass judgement, as I don't know enough about politics. In any case, I'm glad I'm not him. These politicians go out and raise millions upon millions of dollars for their compain fund. Bush is expected to raise something crazy like 200 million dollars for compaining for re-election. If all of the running politicians, in any race, had to put 75% of the money raised into something else, it would be a huge help. They could use it to help cut the deficit, they could use it to fund programs, they could donate it to various non-profit agencies. 200 million dollars might not go very far when applied to any of the above, but every penny counts. Ask any group that is literally counting pennies. Schools, highway departments, DCYF, Welfare, city run animal shelters even. Those are all things that need more money, and are government run. I'm sure the list goes on and on and on and on. Instead they use the money to buy tv time, radio time, bill boards, newspaper adds, etc.

So I had an appointment to donate blood today, and was expected to get stuck atleast twice, have huge bruises on both arms, and be there for 2 hours, because thats how it usually goes when I donate. Today must have been my good day... The girl stuck me only once, and hit the vein instantly. She didn't have to move it around or anything.!!! I filled the pint bag in 5 yes count them 12345 minutes! Last time it took twenty, and my fingers were freezing and tingling before I was done. LOL All of us there were so excited. They know I'm "a difficult stick". It hasnt been that easy in over a year! Wooooohooooooo... I told the girl that was so easy I would go again tomorrow. lol. She told me not to get too carried away lol. Ahhh was good though. Very good. Very well worth it.

The crisis is over. Freddie likes me again. I think the little fucker (said in the most lovingly way possible) was just playing head games with me. And it worked. I will be sure to appreciate him more. I am in the middle of rearranging my apartment. Its hard work. I Decided to take a break, I am beginning to think I should just leave it as I now have it. Completely in shambles.. more than usual. LOL, I got basically all the furniture back in place, but I have to now put everything else away. I dun wanna! Quick, someone else come and do it for me. LOL, this is why I never usually rearrange or do any major cleaning projects. I loose any motivation about half way through. We have run into a snafu in trying to get to Oregon. When I looked online before, the tickets ranged from $215-$315 or so.... we didn't buy tickets then because the person I am going with wasn't able to come up with the money right away. So we look now... The price is about $400 now. Which is gonna be a lot harder if not impossible for either of us to swing. Ugh. I have to go. I need to go. I need a vacation, its been 3 yrs since I had one. I keep putting it off, waiting for this or that, and everytime I try to go, something stands in the way. I was also told htat I was going to meet an old friend this summer when I had my cards read. The trip is to meet an old friend. And I am supposed to make some good desicions while I am away. Some decisions that I haven't even been thinking about at this point. I want to go. I don't know if I really believe in the cards and such, however, I'd rather not bet against them. I need to be young and have fun and be carefree. I haven't been. Ever. When is it my turn?

Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Freddie doesn't like me any more. :*( Over the last... week or two or month or something, he has become far less affectionate. Although He has been following me into the kitchen, or looking at me and meowing. I figured he wanted to go outside or get wetfood. He was just sitting here, next to me, not doing anything really, and I leaned over him, told him I loved him, and nuzzled him. He didn't do anything. Usually he leans into me, purrrs. I pet him and leaned on him for about a mnute, and go no reaction. So I scooped him up and hugged and snuggled him, and he tolerated it for about 15 seconds, and then wriggled out of my arms, and continued to ignore me. No purring. No wanting me to love him. That makes me very sad. He walks by and I reach down for him, and he keeps ignoring me, walking away. If I don't have him, then what do I have??? Nothing. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him, not doing enough for him, but oh, I didn't think he would give up on me. It may seem silly to get so upset over being shunned by a cat, but he is the only one who loves me unconditionally. Or the only one who did. He was the only one it was safe to let the walls down for, to feel for, and now I have to work or figure out how to get him back. Argh... is nothing in life easy?

I don't understand how someone can be a teacher, and still have a completely psychotic home life. How they can belittle their children, and act out infront of their children, and then wonder why their children are freaking crazy and out of control. If parents show absolutely no respect for each other, then how do they expect the children to respect them, each other, or anyone else. I know we all loose our temper and such.. but to have your entire home in absolute chaos and anger almost constantly is insane. And they wonder why they are not happy. I just don't understand how you can be an adult, and a teach at that, and not understand what the problem is.