Cudo's to Jen for the test here.... how the hell I got this response I haven't got any clue. LOL

Hey dude, you are the typical stoner kid. Put down
the bong and pick up a book once in a while.
Try the Yellow Pages --look up Rehab.


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ok, One more for today. Although these are going to post with this one first, and the other two following it, but if you flip todays around, this would be the last one, not the first. Anyway.
I have taken over the grooming of my landladies horse, Teddy. Today I had to bathe him. It went pretty well. It took me like nearly two hours to bathe and brush him though. I was freaking out there forever. But thats ok. I feel so at peace when I am working on horses. To the point where, even now that I have regular contact with them, when I drive past the different horses on the way to my mom's house, I want to stop and be with them. I don't know why they put me at such peace. Maybe I should find a way to work directly with horses. Its gotta be a hard field to break into (as is any) without any real, quality experience or training. And its another job that I am sure can be hard on the body and on the mind, depending on what the horses you work with are used for. And the only way to make any money in the field is probably to be in the business end of it, or the management end of it, where you will spend more time doing paperwork and dealing with people than you will dealing with the horses directly. I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as a perfect career for me. LOL. *shrugs* Oh well. Too bad so sad I guess. I'll get over it. I always seem to. hahaha

I saw HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES today with my little brother. Oh man, what a creepy movie. Definatly an original. LOL, I'm not saying it was bad, I'm not saying it was good, I'm saying it was... interesting. I don't mind horror or suspense, but this one had me going, "Oh jeepers" and covering my mouth through half of it. Why my mouth and not my eyes or ears?? I dun have the slightest clue. LOL, oiy I know, I'm odd.

I want to know how its possible that I get charged and additional $10 in taxes on my phone bill, which is only $13? So my bill, which would only be $13 turns out to be $23, for unlimited local calling, (which I don't even use, but its mandatory to have). And then I have my long distance bill, haha which is only like $5. Ugh, thats the one that I will actually use. I just don't get it. Shtupid phone company. Or maybe we are all the shtupid ones, and they are the smart ones, for getting us to pay for what we don't even want.

I went and saw Phone Booth last nigt. It was pretty good. Its the first movie that I have seen probably in over a year where I didn't check my watch. LOL. Apparenlty I am extremely antsy during movies usually, to the point where my friend was wondering if I simply didn't like watching movies. I like to watch movies. I guess I just don't like to sit still. LOL I think I might try Freddie outside on a harness tomorrow. Depending on the weather, and depending on how he does if I let him out into the hall on it first. Litltle baby steps, or I could screw it up and he could get spooked and he could take off. I don't trust the harness mroe than 75%. The rest has got to be me being able to keep him ok and in control. Its a lot easier to walk a dog than a cat. LOL. Atleast if you have a dog spook on leash you can usually work through it without being attacked. If Freddie spooks I will have to try to catch him, and if he is scared enough he may very well tear me up. I don't know. Maybe I will start with Gita, as Gita is much easier. And tends to be much less nervouse. I also trust Gita's harness more, because Rabbits are not as adept at getting out of harness's as cats are. I'm taking care of my landladies horse now. I went out on wednesday alone, and the cow didn't try to kill me. Woohoo. I had to groom the horse in his stall because it was raining, and the fur tends to stick a lot more if it is wet. Plus, it takes like an hour, and when I went out there, he was already in his stall. I didin't want to drag him outside and make him stand in the rain for an hour. Poor old thing.

I was watching the news today, and they say that even with the slumping economy, and the unemployment rate climbing, there are some fields that are still creating new jobs. Not that I am in need of searching for a job, as I am pretty secure in mine. My previous boss freaked out when my landlady called him for a reference, as he thought she was calling for a job reference. LOL, she called me the next day and told me that she had to spend a few minutes calming him down, and then he called me and yelled at me for giving him a heartattack. Even though he has been replaced, the president of the rescue league has pretty much told one of my friends that the manager or I would have to probably physically assault someone, or start stealing the petty cash to be fired at this point. But, I don't allow this to give me too much security, as the future of the league itself is still in question. But anyway, I seem to have gone off on a tangent here. The point is, that on the news, they said that anything regarding healthcare is still growing. There is a need for something like 40,000 phlebotomists across the country right now. Phlebotomists are the people who draw blood. I had been considereing that to begin with, and now I hear on the news that they are always looking for more, and the idea seems to be getting better and better. And phlebotomists make more money than I will at the rescue league. The problem is that previously, when I had looked up phlebotomy classes, they are full time classes for 3-4 months, and I would have to quit my job to take them. Ugh, I can't afford to do that. Phlebotomy is certainly something to keep in mind though. My car is in desperate need of either some rather pricy repairs, or in need of being retired, which would put me in need of a new car... again. I want to take Fred to the vet, as his ear was itchy, and he seems a little wheezy, but not bad enough to make me rush him to the vet. And the vet very well may laugh at me because there may be nothing wrong with him, and I could just be paranoid. I also need to take Gita to a good bunny vet, and get him neutered. Oiy, I'm below the upper and above the lower, I'm stuck in the middle where $$ gets tight, but it looks like I'm doing alright

Its so nice to have a friend who I can be crazy with, and who I can be so open with. I mean, I still keep a lot of things to me, but to have a friend IRL who doesn't seem to judge me, and who I am comfortable around is such a nice thing. It had been such a llong time. Its nice to be able to be me, and to not feel like I am holding sooo much back, and to not feel so stuffy and repressed. Ahhhhh the sweet taste of freedom lol.

Ask just about anyone, and they will agree, I am definately atleast a little crazy. But when I think of my general mental health now, compared to how it used to be, now it is so much better. There is a girl at the farm that takes lessons, and she reminds me a lot of me. I don't know what she does theraputic riding for, exactly what her problem is, but I know that if she has the issues that I had/have, she has a long rode ahead of her. I want to savce her from the work, which I can't. I used to hide in myself, because I was sure that no one could like me. So if I never did anything, never said anything, then I someone would have to like me, because I wasn't giving anyone a reason not to. I was so meek. Last night at the farm I had to bring a horse out to his field, and because it was dark, and a way from the barn, the teacher sent another volunteer with me. This guy, who I really haven't spoken with. Ya know, he's real quiet, and I'm real shy. So anyway, its like a 5 min walk each way. And he asked me a question, and I just started talking. And it was easier than it used to be. Originally I would have just been real quiet and evasive. And then I started trying to speak to people. It took a long time, and I'm not miss social butterfly who could carry on a convo with a wall without a problem, but its a lot easier than it used to be. And I find a lot of myself slipping through almost immediately. Just sort of telling them Hi heres how I am. Sorry if you don't like me because of it. I needed someone to like me, someone to love me, for me to like and love me. And I am beginning to think its possible. Maybe I'm not so terrible after all. I am far from perfect, but am I the worst person in the world? I'm beginning to think, maybe not. And its a start, a step in the right direction. So cheers to being able talk to a cute guy, and cheers to a little bit of mental health. Woohoo. LOL

The farm is good. I like the farm. I like the people on the farm, and I like the horses. I like being able to work with the horses, and how nice everyone is. This evening I was told that I can come down and get some horsey love any time I want. I don't have to only come down when they have me on the volunteer schedule. Woohoo. I know "horsey love" may sound a bit odd, but Pthththtththtthh to all of you who think bad thoughts. Which is way cool. Means I can shoot down there on Wednesdays now, and on the weekends now that it will be staying light later. Ahhhh golly. It would seem the farm is about as addictive as the shelter is. I would love to be able to have a horse or two or a bunch some day. To take riding lessons and all that good stuff. Its something I have always wanted. Its rather far fetched though, I fear. Ah well, I will just have to continue to make sure I have places where I can go for some good, quality horse time. LOL

Whats so wrong with being happy....March 16th came and went, and I didn't even notice until a week later. I didn't even think "hey the 16th is coming up sometime soon" before. I guess it just goes with the territory of healing, is not noticing any more. I guess thats a good thing. I still think its going to be a very long time before I ever fall that hard for an animal without being able to take it... or without choosing to take it. After all, I was technically able to take Cubby. I simply chose not to. Although the decision was far from simple, in any way of the word. The decision was very tough to make, it took a lot of gut wrenching thought, and more than a few tears and hysterical sobs. The desicion was also multi faceted. It had many sides, many reasons, .... many excuses. Blah ok enough for now.

Before we had officially gone to war with Iraq, I was thinking. (ohhh shocking and dangerous I know). I was thinking of almost how convinient it was. We have had a slumping economy since Bush became president. He has tried a few different things to get it to perk up. Even cut taxes and sent us all the difference from our previous tax return. I can't even imagine how much money that cost him. WE anyway, he tried these different things, to no avial really. Here we are, more than halfway through his term in office, and still having trouble. Economists say that war is good for the economy. This is not something they keep as a secret. Now I am not saying that the only reason we declared war was because of a slumping economy, as all wars are extremely multifaceted. I am mearly saying that it is yet another reason for prowar from the governments standpoint. Talking this over with a friend, and antiwar person, she said that it takes years for anything to show an affect on the economy. Even war. I believe she was wrong. We were officially at war for maybe 3 days when I heard it on the news brief..."The stock market is seeing its best week in over 20 yrs." "Oil prices are dropping, have dropped more this week than they have in any one week ever, it won't be long before we see the results of those falling prices at the gas station" And then they asked about what other great affects the war would have on our economy. Years to affect the economy... It looks like all of 3 days to me. So I am not "Prowar", but I am not "Antiwar" either. Do I like the idea of being at war, or of killing a bunch of people, or of our government over throwing the government of another country. Nope I don't. Do I like the idea of a countries government led by someone who will have his own son assisinated, or that uses torture on its citizens for no reason. (Torture is wrong in any light, but is slightly more forgiveable in certain circumstances, such as when the person is a criminal and the life of other innocent people hang in the balance, although I am still not for it) Or of a governement who is not going to go along with the UN, not because they feel they don't need the UN, but because they don't like the rules of the UN, such as getting rid of weapons of mass destruction? No, I don't. I don't know the right answer. One smart thing Bush said, (again I know, Shocking) is that we will be foolish to assume that Sadam will change from how we know him to be. I use the term know loosely. I am all for giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they show that they don't deserve it. But the average person doesn't have control of an entire country of people. Of an arsonal of weapons that can harm or kill hundreds/thousands of people. Do I think Sadam should be dead? I don't have enough information to make the decision. But I do believe that he should not be in charge of a snail, never mind an entire country.

Wooohooooo! I got some good news Tuesday. Me and anohter girl from work one a full scholarship to a conference in New Hampshire in the end of April. Hotel costs and conference fees. I am so excited. We were going to get ot go even if we didn't win the scholarship, but for the two of us it would have cost the shelter a few hundred dollars. So its nice to know that we get to go, and get to offset the costs. Woohoo! Our exective director was fired two a few days before we got the news, so thats sort of a bummer not to be able to tell him, but bah. It would seem that the board who fired him didn't actually know all fo what his job entailed, and so there is no one really who can properly train the interim director, or the one that will be hired in 3 months when the interrim director leaves. It would seem that the board might have been a little hasty in the termination of the previous director. As far as I know, he wasn't even given 2 wks notice or anything. So things may be a beit interesting as we proceed forward with no one really sure who to call or who should be paying the bills or who should be picking up the cash box weekly. :My face is itchy for some reason. blah. Things feel off today. I am not sure why... just something is amiss it would seem. Tomorrow I go and have my finger x-rayed again. hopefully he will tell me that it is healed. I think it will still take a little while for it to function completely normally thouhg. I still can't straighten it all the way. The top joint just won't flex up. But I can almost make a tight fist again. It gets a little sore if I try to lay it completely flat though. I don't know. I will find out more tomorrrow. Woohoo I might not be the quieen of all typos any more... may have my position reduced to typo princess or dutchess instead. Would be nice. I am typing with it now... its still a little off, but with each word it gets back iinto the swing of things. LOL. Who knew a finger could be such a paiin.

Ms P O Jones: ooh- i meant to tell you
Ms P O Jones: saturday morning amy's all "i really like megen. i'm so happy we got to hang out with her. she's such a nice person and she's so genuine, and she seems to be opening up more to me and that's cool!"
Ms P O Jones: amy was like, raving about you! we love you megen, you're so much fun!
SSmilingsuicide9: awwwwwwww
SSmilingsuicide9: stop yer gonna make me all weepy
SSmilingsuicide9: lol
SSmilingsuicide9: well i8 love you guys too
Ms P O Jones: lol, awwww. I just thought i'd pass some compliments on your way.
Ms P O Jones: we've got to get together more often, all of us. and sara too!
SSmilingsuicide9: most definatly

The above was a convo between me and a frioend who i met throiugh work. AWWWWWWWWWWWW I have the coolest friends in the whole world! *runs ioff and cries some* sorry i just had to put that herer so that i have somewhere to look when i need to remember that i do indeed have friends.

I was thinking about the offer that my cousin gave me to move in with her and her fiance' and a mutual aquantince sometime over the summer. At first I said yes. I like to have a lot of time to think things over really thouroughly, because I need time to consider all of thge pro's and cons and such. I didn't really have that chance, as I was on the phone with her and she sort of suprised me. And at first I thought that I was pretty sure that thats what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. I liek to be able to come home to my cat being happy to see me, and getting up ion my lap, to the peace that I know I will have.. or atleast sometimes to the wanting and liking, not sometimes to the having, to having my own mailbox, that no one else is going to touch, and so I am the only one who will loose my mail. To having my mess and only my mess to look at, and to clean. To only having my own phone fcalls to answer or return, and not to have to deal with anyone else taking or not taking messages, or loosing the phone. Or leaving lights on. Or having the TV on too loud. Or having people over when I am too tired to change and be presentable. Only my own guests to keep me up at night when I have to work the next morning. Life with them, back in that house, means... more space to move. A shower big enough to shave my legs in, a bath tub if I want to take a bath. A quieter neighborhood. A nice place to take relaxing walks before or after dark. Here there is so much traffic, and so many street lights, the walk wouldnt be any fun, and would be significantly more dangerous. To have more than 200 sq ft. of room to move around, and for Freddie top have more room to move around inside, plus a nice yard outside. It also means much more social interactions. To get to be included more often, even if it only by default. It also however means, parties on nights when I have to work in the morning. Lots of visitors. Having other people have a lot of access to Freddie. Having people loose my mail. Or wake me up. Or interrupt me on the phone. It means having other people take messages for me, and me having to take messages for other people. It also means having other peoples dishes to do, and other people's mess to clean up. And other people to check with if I plan on doing something in the house. It also means less bills (all utilities included except heat), and less rent (by $125 a month). It also means a lot of things. It means moving back into that house that I dreamed day and night every day since I was 8 of leaving. It wouild be different and better, but I fear I am like my mother in my avoidance of places that have bad memories. If my cousin was to call me today and tell me that her mom isn't going to move out after all, I dopn't think I would be sad. If my aunt does move, and the house is for rent, will I still agree to move in? I am not sure. My cousing and I were supposed to talk last week sometime to discuss some of the details, but she never called me again. And I am in no rush. May things look different to me in another month or two? Of course. I may be turning myself inside out for human companionship by then. Right now I am ok because I just had a fix on Friday. But only time will tell for now...

It was time to change the template again. I really liked the one that changed colors, but I needed something new. So here we go.

Ahhhh! My computer is being difficult. The last two times I have tried to post something here, it some how gets erased befor I get to post it. It could have something to do with the fact that I am sitting on my bed, holding the keyboard on my lap or on a pillow, and especially with the broken finger, am likely to hit the wrong key/button. I can't be bothered to retype either thing right now, as my back is getting sore from sitting like this, and so I need to move. I guess anyone will just ahve to talk to me directly to hear about my drunken slumber party or my dream about the dog. Or I will just wait until the motivation strikes me again.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

:*( don't hit the excape button if you haven't saved what you want to post on here. :*( boohoo+

Ugh, I have to go to the doctor. I don't want to. I was good and actually called information and got the number. Thats a step in the right direction atleast. I still have to get around to actually calling them. Ha. I told myself back in December that if things weren't alright by Feb 1st, I would call... its now March 5th. Talk about procrastination. It hasn't been ok since July, I mean what can they tell me? I don't think they are going to chalk it up to stress. I am significantly less stressed now than I was, and I have been less stressed for a month now, long enough for my hair to stop falling out in clumps, so if it was stress, things should be better by now. I don't dare think of what it could be, I am too young for it to be the only thing I can think of. I dont' mean the whole "i am too young to be this old" bit, I mean, they say that people under certain ages almost never ever have it, or atleast this kind anyway, or a similar kind? I don't know. I just know that they aren't going to examine me and go "oh don't worry, its just from a lack of iron or donating too much blood or some such thing, and all you have to do is this or that and tada everything will be ok." Ok, so they might say that, or something similar, however, I just don't see it. Then I think of something that I heard once. Almost all ailments that adults suffer from are from neglect of themselves. From major procrastination to get little problems taken care of. I just have to call them. And go. But I don't think I can afford it if I have to go for any testing. I have no health insurance. Its $335 just to walk into the express care unit at the hospital and have my finger looked at. That guy didn't even do anything! I can't even imagine how much it will cost to have tests done. Jeepers.