"Your a mad lot of suckers"

On the news they were doing a report about how americans don't get as much vacation time as many of the other countries. Even China has 15 guaranteed payed vacation days a year. We have none legally. Well anyway, on the news, they asked some people from the UK what they thought about our hard work effort. And they showed one older man saying "your a mad lot of suckers". Rofl, sorry, But I get a kick out of that, mostly because it is true.

I would hate to be President Bush. Since he took office, the economy has just been on a downhill slope. He can't seem to be able to pull the nose up. That and the war, and 9/11... even his more loyal followers have got to be questioning his ability in a re-election. Whether he is simply unlucky in his timing, doing a really wretched job, or a combination of both, I don't honestly know. I decide not to pass judgement, as I don't know enough about politics. In any case, I'm glad I'm not him. These politicians go out and raise millions upon millions of dollars for their compain fund. Bush is expected to raise something crazy like 200 million dollars for compaining for re-election. If all of the running politicians, in any race, had to put 75% of the money raised into something else, it would be a huge help. They could use it to help cut the deficit, they could use it to fund programs, they could donate it to various non-profit agencies. 200 million dollars might not go very far when applied to any of the above, but every penny counts. Ask any group that is literally counting pennies. Schools, highway departments, DCYF, Welfare, city run animal shelters even. Those are all things that need more money, and are government run. I'm sure the list goes on and on and on and on. Instead they use the money to buy tv time, radio time, bill boards, newspaper adds, etc.

So I had an appointment to donate blood today, and was expected to get stuck atleast twice, have huge bruises on both arms, and be there for 2 hours, because thats how it usually goes when I donate. Today must have been my good day... The girl stuck me only once, and hit the vein instantly. She didn't have to move it around or anything.!!! I filled the pint bag in 5 yes count them 12345 minutes! Last time it took twenty, and my fingers were freezing and tingling before I was done. LOL All of us there were so excited. They know I'm "a difficult stick". It hasnt been that easy in over a year! Wooooohooooooo... I told the girl that was so easy I would go again tomorrow. lol. She told me not to get too carried away lol. Ahhh was good though. Very good. Very well worth it.

The crisis is over. Freddie likes me again. I think the little fucker (said in the most lovingly way possible) was just playing head games with me. And it worked. I will be sure to appreciate him more. I am in the middle of rearranging my apartment. Its hard work. I Decided to take a break, I am beginning to think I should just leave it as I now have it. Completely in shambles.. more than usual. LOL, I got basically all the furniture back in place, but I have to now put everything else away. I dun wanna! Quick, someone else come and do it for me. LOL, this is why I never usually rearrange or do any major cleaning projects. I loose any motivation about half way through. We have run into a snafu in trying to get to Oregon. When I looked online before, the tickets ranged from $215-$315 or so.... we didn't buy tickets then because the person I am going with wasn't able to come up with the money right away. So we look now... The price is about $400 now. Which is gonna be a lot harder if not impossible for either of us to swing. Ugh. I have to go. I need to go. I need a vacation, its been 3 yrs since I had one. I keep putting it off, waiting for this or that, and everytime I try to go, something stands in the way. I was also told htat I was going to meet an old friend this summer when I had my cards read. The trip is to meet an old friend. And I am supposed to make some good desicions while I am away. Some decisions that I haven't even been thinking about at this point. I want to go. I don't know if I really believe in the cards and such, however, I'd rather not bet against them. I need to be young and have fun and be carefree. I haven't been. Ever. When is it my turn?

Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Freddie doesn't like me any more. :*( Over the last... week or two or month or something, he has become far less affectionate. Although He has been following me into the kitchen, or looking at me and meowing. I figured he wanted to go outside or get wetfood. He was just sitting here, next to me, not doing anything really, and I leaned over him, told him I loved him, and nuzzled him. He didn't do anything. Usually he leans into me, purrrs. I pet him and leaned on him for about a mnute, and go no reaction. So I scooped him up and hugged and snuggled him, and he tolerated it for about 15 seconds, and then wriggled out of my arms, and continued to ignore me. No purring. No wanting me to love him. That makes me very sad. He walks by and I reach down for him, and he keeps ignoring me, walking away. If I don't have him, then what do I have??? Nothing. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him, not doing enough for him, but oh, I didn't think he would give up on me. It may seem silly to get so upset over being shunned by a cat, but he is the only one who loves me unconditionally. Or the only one who did. He was the only one it was safe to let the walls down for, to feel for, and now I have to work or figure out how to get him back. Argh... is nothing in life easy?

I don't understand how someone can be a teacher, and still have a completely psychotic home life. How they can belittle their children, and act out infront of their children, and then wonder why their children are freaking crazy and out of control. If parents show absolutely no respect for each other, then how do they expect the children to respect them, each other, or anyone else. I know we all loose our temper and such.. but to have your entire home in absolute chaos and anger almost constantly is insane. And they wonder why they are not happy. I just don't understand how you can be an adult, and a teach at that, and not understand what the problem is.

Hmmm, they changed the whole look of the posting secton of this. Not in a bad way, or a good way... just different. Uhhhhh its so easy to be numb... so almost comforting. To not empathize. But I am supposed to be empathetic, to nurture my ability to feel, and place my self in other's shoes, and to really feel what they are feeling. But I spent so long in pain, I'd rather just not let it matter. Not let any of it in. Not feel any of it. Just pretend that everything is as simple and as distant as ..... I don't know where I was going with that, I realize there is no way to finish it. I wonder when it was that I decided that I had to give up. Or that I wanted to give up. So much for wanting all the pain only for me, wanting to save everyone else, now I want no part of it. I want no part of anything that makes me feel. I just want to leave that part out. When did that happen? When did I become so ... I don't know the word.

Baby, Baby stay... Stay right where you are, I like it this way... Its good for my heart.... .... Baby baby stayyy.... Gone...
Find what you weren't looking for Hmmmmmm stuff to think on.

I can't feel, the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored...
Cheers to that. I really can't afford to ever feel again like I did once in the past... because next time, I don't want to make it out of it. I just want the feelings to last until its over, until they bring it all to an end, instead of going through that nasty cycle over and over again. I'd rather just not bother with it. I was thinking earlier about relationships that we have with other people. Friends, family... and anyone else that falls under the category of people we love. There is ususally a rather high level of comfort with ones that we love. When you know you can say something that they don't agree with, and you may have a debate about it, but you will still love each other afterwards. When you can do really silly things around them, and its ok. When you can really let your guard down, and be the same person around them that you are when you all alone and no one is watching. When you go to them when you feel weak, and hurt, and happy and overwhelmed with any feelings that need to be shared. I love to watch the very basic, natural physical contacts with people who are comfortable with each other. A hug here, a hand on the arm there, leaning on them, sitting close to them, things like that. Looking at them even. I see this and watch these interactions with other people, and I long for more of them myself. I have so few people, if any, that I am really relaxed around. I always seem to be holding something back, not reaching out when I want to, not speaking up when I want to. Most people never even give thought to these basic relationships, and all that go with them. Most people ahve these relationships regularly, with family members, or close friends, or spouses or lovers. The closest I seem to be able to come to letting the walls down with is my brother, I guess because he is non-threatening in a mental way. Physically threatening he is, simply because I know it would be a real fight to hold my own with him if we decided we ever really had to "step outside". But even there, there is a block, a wall, a tenseness and controls I put in place when I am around him, or anyone. I want that ease, that simple trust that so many other people seem to have. I just want to be able to let down the guard for someone, to not have to keep it built up so much all the time. And to think, this is progress for me. I used to be sooooooooo much more reserved with everyone. I guess I finally realized that wasn't working. Slowly began to creep out of my shell. Either that or the insantiy just couldn't stay inside any longer. LOL. Either way, I am better than I was, but hopefully not as good as I will be.

Monday the Llama gets neutered. I get to help hold him. :-| Happy happy joy joy. LOL One of my foster kittens is very very determined to eat people food sometimes. I put him on the floor 5-10 times, and he kept climbing back up on the bed to get it. And tis quite a hike for him to get on the bed. LOL he should sleep well tongiht. I have to clean, and clean well, as the house is being assessed on monday. Freddie is bored, and i think he is getting frustrated. He wants more room, and to go out and play. Maybe I will try him on the harness again. Hopefully I will be able to find his good harness, and won't have to buy another one. I can't find another of the one that I really like, so I would have to get a different one and resize him. I would be ahppy if I could find the same brand again, as I really like the one that he had, as far as security and ease of sizing goes. He enjoys the kittens, they give him the extra attention and love that he doesn't get from me. The kitten that is obsessed with the human food is also obsessed with crawling on the keyboard as I type. And is quite good at standing on the enter key. Makes things quite interesting in a chat room. Lol.

God never gives us more than we can handle. While I may have my doubts or simple lack of certainty about the power from above and God and all that, I like to at the very least beleive that we never get more than we can handle... althought I know thats not true, or people wouldn't commit suicide. But thats besides the point, as at the moment, I am not suicidal. But I am wondering how much more I get right now, before I'v met my quota of what I can handle. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. But when we are building strength, isn't it safest to do it slowly over prolonged period of time, rather than to pump it up as much as possible, as fast as possible?? Sometimes, I am beginning to wonder. I think I have enough right now to make me strong. So give me a break ok? Lol. I'm just sort of going along in a daze, and not a bad dark cloudy daze, just sort of a happy go lucky wearing the blinders kind of daze. *shrugs* I just don't know. I'm am under attack or something. Trial by fire and such. But I will persevere, I always do, and my landlady said that I would when she read my cards *wink*. Lol I guess we all have to find hope in something, so why not right??

I had my cards read tonight... tarot cards. Wowzers. It was tooooooooooo cooooooooooooool for schoooooooooool man. I am supposedly going to get some sort of promotion or job change in septemberish... she told me I am going to see a long lost friend in August.. (which I am)... that I am healthy... which is a relief... and that I am going to meet and get into a relationship with a redhaired guy who is 5'10'' next feb/march, and that he will some how be connected to work.. and that his sign is a fire sign. Also that my money will continue to be ok, although I need to start saving... and that my brother is ok, mom is in a long term relationship, that will last a good deal longer, my aunt will get sick in the fall, but will recover... wowzers it was crazy. It was good though, very good.

Rahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I? I am me, thats all I can be I guess. Arg, Grrrrrrrrrrr blah... nothing to anyone, sometihng to someone? Not loved enough, needed too much and not enough at the same time. I'm a Libra, supposed to be balanced.... instead of everything in the middle though, I am everthing on both extremes.... so when I pit my self against myself, its a fair fight I guess. and I come out in the middle. But I don't think thats how its supposed to be. To find balance by hainvg and keep ing both extremes is the hard way of going about it I guess. I guess I like to do things, alearn things the hard way... Then again, doesn't everyone my age? I constantly be sorry, and say it over and over, and yet to be too proud to say when I need to. To always be in need of help, and too proud to admit it. To find happiness in sadness, and sadness in hapiness. To laugh so hard that the tears begin to roll, and to end up bawlling my eyes out because of it. To be jealous and envious, and confused, to know all the answers for everone lese, and to know none of them for myself. To find everyone worhty, except for myself. To give and give, and yet be selfish. Who am I? What am I? Confused, baffled, dazed, dry, smart, sensible, irrational, confusing, unintelligent. I am all of the above, and everything else. I am me.

There is never a dull moment sometimes it seems. Be careful what you wish for, what you want, because you might just get it. "Do you know what happened to the little boy who got everything he wanted? No... what? He lived happily ever after" It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be mine. "Hello, Butler, I think I have a new admission for you, could you p[lease send the men with the little white coats?" What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. God never gives us more than we can handle. I think I can I think I can I think I can.

I'm going to Oregon... I'M GOING TO OREGON.... I'M GOING TO OREGON!!!!!! Woohoo! Yeah, I decided I really will go after all, specially since the crazy people aren't all going, only one of them, who I really don't mind being with, cus she isn't as crazy as the rest of them. Wooooottt!!! in the words of the marvy Jenners. I wasn't really sure I would go, actually I thought for sure that I wouldn't go, but then I changed my mind. Now I'm totally stoked. Yeah baby.

It's strange to me that I have to have some very tangible motivation to go to the gym and eat well and such. Blah, its annoying, its easy enough when the motivation is there, but when the motivation isn't... its impoosible.
Keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
Cus I just can't go through
Another heart ache again...
He was my strongest weakness,
I surrenedered heart and soul...
It's gonna be a long long time
till I regain control
I'm still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he'll always be
....Now he's gone and life goes on..
And if this pain will ever end..
Will I be afraid, to risk it all
And ever love one again.... -Wynonna Judd-
Ok stupid of me to think things about a dog I know, but its true. I can't bring myself to get attached to another animal. I like them all, sure I do, but I don't have a particular fondness for any of them at the shelter. And I havven't since I lost Cubby. Because, quite frankly, I can't afford too. I don't want to be in that much pain ever again. And the only way to really avoid it is to not let any of them get to me. Instead I feel myself drawn to one of the horses at the farm, for no reason that I can fathom. I don't know any more, not that I ever did. I thought that someday I would.. that I would be able to change my addy because I wouldn't be so confusded any more, but I'v come to realize that I will always be lost and confused. I will never know all the answers, as much as I want to.

I love my landladies, they are too funny. I can hear them sniping at eachother occassionally in the hall. I get nervous, thinking they are fighting, but its just the normal back and forth of two people who love each other and occassionally get on each others nerves. Its been a long time since I was that comfortable with anyone... I don't think I'v ever been that secure and comfortable with anyone. They like my cat so much they keep coming to visit him. Lol its great.

I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.

Yay!! One of the kittens I was fostering has been adopted. It was being picked up just as I walked in the door from work. 1 down 3 to go. I sitll have the other 2. They might be moving to a sotre to be adopted out tomorrow, but I am not sure. When I walked in the door, Freddie wandered out into the hall way looking for the kitten. He was wondering why he is missing one now. But now he seems to be relaxing, adjusting so quickly to having two to look after instead of 3. He likes playing dad or big brother I think. He does a good job at it, and takes to it so naturally. He would have made a good father. Although its good that he was neutered before he could breed, as he came from a small colony of feral cats. And his father never would have allowed him to breed anyway, Tom was far too much king of the roost and bossy to allow such a thing. A ladies man he must have thought of himself, as none of the other male cats were allowed to touch the female cats.Cat heirarchy, how interesting and ever changing.

It's one thing to have a lot on your plate, its a whole other thing to have so much on yoru plate that the plate is ready to break in half, and stuff is falling off the sides. I was working my tail off on Tuesday from 7 am until 9 pm, and then i picked up dinner, and drove home, which took another hour, it took me 10 minutes to wolf down a half cold calzone, pull off my boots, and promptly collapse into a near coma. I guess it serves me right for not doing much of anything productive at all on monday. But oh well, I needed a day to relax, between work, and the farm, and grooming the horse, and taking care of 3 foster cats, plus my own pets, I was beat. Things are still busy busy, but should be getting relatively normal and situated some time in the almost near future. Once we are back up to a full crew at work, and the kittens are gone, things will be that much easier. I haven't found time to go to the gym in weeks. I feel bad, now everytime I do walk in they always give me a look and ask me where I have been. Makes me want to avoid them, and even less likely to go! I guess I just have to suck it up, and find time to get there. I have the time, Its just that that 45 minutes I am usually using to sleep, or spend with my cat, or stop by the shelter, or get to the farm early or whatever. I will have to figure it out, becdause I do want to keep going. And I don't want to pay $30 a month and then not use it. I don't like to waste money like that. So I will ahve to figure it all out. Yippy skippy.