Sleepless in New England

Its not yet 8am on a monday morning, my day off. I can't sleep. I shouldn't have gone to sleep early last night. I'v been awake for an hour now. I was tossing and turning waking up about every 15 minutes for 2 hours before that. Although I do that every morning lately. Lonely, I prefer the company of my dreams, the state of almost unconciousness that sleep allows. I had a dream a few days ago, as I occassionally do, of someone who fell out of my life a few years ago. I miss him a lot, as I usually do after these dreams. It makes me sad to realize that only coincidence will allow us to ever see each other again. I was laying here, hoping I would drift off into sleep again, and looked up, and freddie was sniffing the monitor. And he had the happy look on his face. I thought he would mark it with his cheek, but he didn't. I don't know if he only found himself on the monitor, or maybe he picked up the scent of some of the cats we used to live with. And it made me wonder if he ever misses them. Did he forget his family that he was raised with? And what about the other cats we lived with before we moved here? Does he ever wonder about them, want to see them again? If I come home and have been touching Buttons and Paprika, will he be sad that he didn't see them? He brings me such a high percentage of the happiness that I feel, I hope I make him happy.
I like to read. It gives me an escape. Lately however, I almost prefer not to do the work that reading is. I prefer much more brainless activities, such as tv, computer, and sleep. I'm half way through a good book, and yet, I sit here and wish there was something good on tv, good people in a chat room, or that I could be asleep. Meanwhile, I certainly have plenty of stuff that needs to be done... I just can't seem to get up and do them yet. Life becomes so difficult when theres no motivation to do anything. Breathing itself becomes difficult at times.

"Its the end of the world as we know it..." or "Why can't we all just get along?"

I sit here, waiting out the snow storm, trying to entertain myself, rolling my change and half listening to the news. Another attack in Iraq, a suicide bombing in another country, a fatal shooting in Providence, serial killings along rt. 214, people dying of AIDS and cancer and the flu. Pedestrians getting fatialy hit by motorists while trying to cross the street. Dissention among the ranks. Is the world coming to an end? People dying all over the place, from all sorts of reasons. The majority of the reasons on the news are unneccessary. People killing people, every where. And for what? Because of religion, money, you looked at me the wrong way, so on and so forth. I wonder how its possible that the human population keeps going up on earth when there is so much death and destruction all over the world. I know the world is not really ending. But it really feels like it is most of the time. If you listen to the news. I wonder how it is that the newscasters don't get burnt out. So much bad news to report, very rarely does good news make it. And does the good news ever out weigh the bad news? No, not that I can remember. We have a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on AIDS, a war on crime,... we like to solve problems with war it seems. So maybe that shouldn't be the word "or" up there... maybe it should be "and". "Its the end of the world as we know it..." AND " Why can't we all just get along?" Yeah, I think I like and better. Because its both, not one or the other. If we all got a long, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If we all had a little more tolerance for each other, and people weren't so ... I'v lost the word. The idea is there, I just can't put a name on it. If people weren't so... able/willing to make mistakes? Sort of what I'm going for but not really. I think there is a word for what I'm looking for, but I am no longer sure. Nothing is good enough, and everything is too good to be true. OIy.

World AIDS Day, 2003

I think yesterday was World AIDS day.. a day devoted to spreading awareness about HIV and AIDS. On the news this morning they said something like there are 100,000-200,000 people in the USA that are infected with HIV/AIDS and do NOT KNOW IT! So this is just me giving a shout out to all those people out there who do have it, who don't have it, who will get it, and who will prevent it. HIV/AIDS is 100% preventable... its sad to realize that it has become such an epidemic. So remember, people with HIV/AIDS are people too, and use common sense, use protection, get tested, and BE SAFE!

A chore or not?

When simply sitting up in the morning is a chore, how is a person also supposed to get up and brush their teeth?
When simply opening your eyes is a chore, how is a person supposed to put on clean clothes?
When simply opening your mouth to talk to a friend is a chore, how is someone supposed to do the dishes?

Its hard to become conscious in the morning, or any time for that matter, and even harder to maintain that state of being. Its not a case of not getting enough sleep, or being over tired or anything, its simply hard to BE at this point. So how am I supposed to hang out with friends, do the dishes, clean my car, do the laundry? How am I supposed to function like a normal human being, when all I want is to be asleep? Not even asleep, simply unaware instead. What then?

Lonely... whyyyyyy am IIIIII so lonely...

I want...... to fall completely and totally head over heals in love, and have it reciprocated.
I want...... to actually feel a pair of arms wrap around me, and no longer have to imagine them.
I want...... to not have it be a chore to be with friends, for it to be a natural thing, the way its supposed to be.
I want...... to be able to listen to music or read poetry without having to stop because my stomach starts to flip, and my heart hurts
I want..... to not wind up the scary old cat lady.
I want..... to be able to maintain a normal level of cleanliness without it being a big ordeal.
I want..... to live happily ever after, or to just not live any more at all.

Just a few things to think on.

I am reading this book by Frank McCourt (I think, I can't seem to locate the book at this second) Woohoo, I found the book and I was right. Anyway, so I'm reading this book, and its called " 'Tis" It's pretty good. So I was reading, and came across a quote that Frank heard when he was younger, and it was really quite something.
"...the only person in the world who makes any sense is Albert Camus who says your most important act every day is deciding not to commit suicide."
That one kind of made me go.. hmmmm...
And one more little thing. I was online earlier, and on msn messenger, you can change how your name appears on a daily basis, and it still comes up on your friends buddylist, because it is done by email, rather than by name persay. And today, I had one name pop up as "I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke off" Thats another thing that makes me go "hmmmmm..."
Ok, thats it for now. I just had to get it down so I could stop obsessing about it.

Come on, you can DO it!!!

I've been thinking. Primarily about last year. How were things different last fall. Last fall, despite how hard things got at work, I didn't face burn out. I didn't get pissy. I had a sense of humor about things at work. I had my bad days, but, over all, all things considered, I felt ok. I felt better than I do now. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was the fact that I was active. I was working out 3x's a week, plus sometimes walking and such. And I think it made a real difference. I didn't notice the difference then quite as much as I notice it now. I'm thinking of going back to the gym. I liked the gym, I just stopped going. I was embarrassed with the fact that I had gone off the diet, began to gain weight over the holidays. I'm getting to the point now though, where I'm getting ready to swallow any pride and go back. I mean, I think I'm still paying for the membership, so why shouldn't I? Its still an idea I'm mulling over. But I think, maybe sometime in the next month or so, I may end up there again. I hope so.

Shameful secret or just who I am?

I had this dream last night that my mom knew about the depression. I know that she knows about depression, even has an inside look on it, because she herself is suffers from severe depression. But I don't think she knows about the issues I have with it. She knows that at one point my aunt was rather concerned, but I don't think any of them know how true the name ssmilingsuicide is. errr.. was. Or atleast, I meant to type was. A real mistake, or a freudian slip? I'm honestly not really sure. I know that I really thought I was going to type "Was". Anyway, enough on that. So, in this dream, she really knew, and being a mom, decided to force me out of it. She made me go to some night class for becoming a physical therapist or something. And there I was, interacting with people like a normal human. And the depression was a shameful little secret. Which I guess it is. Although I don't do a very good job at hiding it when I type it up in here and broadcast it across the internet. Although, as "public" as this is, theres a line between the people who see this, and the people who see me in real life. And I know there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for having depression, but, I feel like, I feel like I don't need anything else that will seperate me even more. I don't want anyone to know whats wrong with me. At the same time, I just want people to understand. Not that it will help. But it was strange, feeling relatively normal again... in my dream. I don't remember when the unhappiness started initially. I remember being 11 and being terrified of being 12... because I was getting old so fast. I remember laying awake at night in 3rd grade, crying over WWII and the Jews in the concentration camps. I remember at that point in my life, already trying to hide the sadness, especially from my family. They didn't need to know. They didn't need the extra burden. They couldn't/wouldnt' make it better anyway. I am just amazed at how messed up I am. It floors me to think about it.

The best or was that the worst?

In a moment of down and outness (completely uncommon for me, I know) (I was being sarcastic there) I was saying some self depreciating things, kind of in a joking tone. Even though It was said in a joking sort of way, the person I was chatting with picked up on it. And then he told me something which, at that point, made me cry, but also kind of made me think. He said "you are the best person in your life", I replied with "lol, then I am in a heck of a lot of trouble". In the coming days however, its kind of made me think about a couple things. My first thoughts where how messed up I am. How I'm depressive and not even sure I want to be happy, especially not if I have to work at it. How can I be the best person if I am so messed up? It made me think, "oh great, then who am I supposed to look up to?" If I'm the best person in my life, that means everyone else in my life is really messed up. Then I began to think about the other people in my life, the other people that don't want to be in my life any more than they absolutely have to be. My mom, who really is atleast as messed up as I am, if not more so. I mean, she was/is a leading cause in my "messed up factor". My brother is so far a fairly normal kid, despite the fact he is twice as big as every other 13 yr old and has a severe heart condition. But, he's also only 13. And I can see the patterns starting in him. I hope the depression and self doubt and self hatred won't be nearly as bad in him as it is in both me and my mother. But with me and my mother as the two main adults in his life, there's not really anyone to show him what its like to be normal. Theres my boss at work, who is an unwed mother, and wants nothing to do with me outside of work, and there are the other people at work, who may or may not have things just as bad, but still have no other use for me, other than at work. There are a lot of people who ar eonly partially, in my life at the bare minimum. And don't want anything else out of me than what they can take and make use of. They just don't want the rest of it. I don't really blame them, and I tend to eventually turn away from, or drive away anyone who may want the rest of it. So am I the best person in my life? Maybe I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. I am both my own best friend, and at the same time, my own worst enemy. I wish I could be one or the other, instead of both all the time. It seems to make life harder and more confusing than it really needs to be.

Is all really fair in love and war?

Blah. Is it fair to allow someone to become your friend if you are depressive? Everyone has had one of those "dooms day" friends. You know, the one that is always sad about something, no matter how good things are going, and they always think its the end of the world. Being a friend, you support their "sharing" at first... but then it really begins to get on your nerves, and you want to just yell at the person and tell them to get over it. Most of the time, people tend to drift away from the doomsday person after a while, because it can be depressing just to be around them.
I don't want to be that dooms day person. So, I try to avoid talking about anything that bothers me with people who might be my friends. Which then leads them to think that I don't trust them. But, I don't want to tell them whats going on, and then I'd get into the habit of talking to them about it everytime... and then they would feel depressed nearly every time they talk to me.. and that would chase them off. So instead, I don't talk to them about it. Is it fair for me even to try and make friends with anyone if I am sad? I mean, it might rub off on them, if I get really into a funk, then they will feel sad, and if I go over the edge.. then they have to deal with everything that goes with that. I know this really makes me sound completely crazy (then again, I dont hear anyone arguing with that fact even when I'm not really going over the top), but, I wish I could just painlessly cut all my ties. With everyone. Without putting anyone out. Without making anyone sad. Without anyone going.. "Oh where did she go?", or "How did I get so out of touch", or anything like that. If I have no connections on earth, then I don't have to pretend to be ok. I don't have to worry about what will happen to so & so if I go over the edge... "blow out my candle" as I saw it once in a book. I realize its definatly a step down on the spiral to be having these thoughts.. especially regularly. I didn't think I'd get these thoughts back. It was all such a comfort a little over a year ago... now I'm back to fighting it a bit... I don't know what to do. Go get help is the logical answer, but thats not possible. Its just not going to happen. Theres nothing to be so down about...life is just the same as ever... Theres just nothing to look forward to any more.

"Time's just a train, rolling down the track, every minute is a boxcar you don't get back..."

"...take a look around you.. It's all gonna change.. Whatever you see its never gonna stay the same..."

I was digging through some stuff, looking for my passport and some paper to write on.. and I came across old letters I had saved. Most of them from a long lost best friend. The person I went to Oregon to see this past summer. It had been so long since we had talked or written.. we were complete strangers to each other. She was still definatly herself. But me? Was I me? I know I was the me that I am, but did I at all resemble the me that I was? Its so strange to think of how time changes everything. What time can do to our dreams, to our friendships, to what we believe. Time changes everything, even what we expect and what we think might make us happy. What might make life livable. I feel like I still have so much to figure out, so much to change, but at the same time, I can't beleive that I may have to live another 50 years like this. Minute by minute, day by day, year by year... time just slips away... and as much as everything changes.. what if nothing gets better? Then what? When do I get to throw in the towel and call it quits? Why did I allow myself to turn into this, and why can't I get myself out of it now? What am I gonna do with 50 years of boxcars still to watch slip away... all alone, with nothing and no one to fill in the void?

Eeewwwwwwwwww and YUCK!!!

Ok, so I have this ... thing on my side. It's a skin tag I guess... only, its big. Like....probably an inch circumfrence. Most skin tags are only like... a millimeter high. Anyway, its in a wierd spot, and sometimes gets all twisted up and stuff. If it gets twisted around enough times, it looses circulation... and then turns all scary shades of purple and black. When it gets untwisted, and regains circulation, it regains its normally fleshy color, turns a little red, and then swells up and sticks out straight. (If I were a skinny minny, people would probably notice it through my clothes) Anyway, the thing doesn't really have a lot of feeling. I mean, I really have to squeeze it hard or dig my fingernails into it to feel anything. So being slightly obsessive, and a little concerned about this thing on my side, last night, I was poking at it with a cutical scissor. (This is where I get crazy and stupid to boot) So I'm wondering if I could cut it off. It looks kind of like a raisin, although a bit larger. and its attatched by this little bridge of skin. Its Weird. It looks kind of like this.. : ( )-o the big thing is me, the dash is the skin bridge, and the o is the thing. Anyway, the bridge part - has a lot of of sensation, more feeling than the rest of it. So I was thinking that I would try and cut the thing a little, and I would simply stop as soon as I could feel it. (Maybe the cutical scissors were really sharp). Anyway, So I start pressing into just a little bit of the top with the scissors. and next thing I know, I'v made a little cut.. and no feeling... so I just keep going! Then there's this little peice that I'v cut off!!! EEEEeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww So I'm squishing the little peice I cut off, and a little blood come out. So I look down at the thing on my side, and now its bleeding. OOPs. LOL It felt a little uncomfortable, but it still didn't really hurt. Ahhhhh this thing is scary, and I should probably have it looked at. Oh well, Just don't have the cash at this point to go to the DR. unless it gets really scary, like growing or gets infected or something.

Summery and bubbly? HA!

You are -
Cute sandals!
Summery and bubbly... but with large amounts of
sand between your toes!


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His life must have been pretty bad if he wanted to blow up the school and stuff ... DUH!!!

On the news was a story about a boy who was recently possibly plotting to blow up the school. He had homemade napalm, a corpse list, photo's and lay outs of the school, and places where possible bombs could go. He was arrested before he did anything. They interviewed a girl that went to school with him. She was one of the "normal" people. She said that the boy was very strange, always dressed oddly, and was antisocial, but that they never thought he'd do anything violent. Then she goes on to say that his life must be pretty bad for him to want to blow up the school and hurt people. LIKE NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! The poor boy has probably been feeling like the world is ending and he has to stop the pain. That girl doesn't have a clue of what that poor guy probably feels. Having been an oddity that had no friends and was insanely lonely... I quite frankly don't really blame the boy for wanting to blow up the "normal" people. Even if they haven't done anything horridly out of the ordinary to him, that doesn't make the fact that they neglect to include him or think that they are better then him any less hurtful. I'm not saying that its right for him to blow people up mind you. I'm just saying, that clearly, something needs to be done. Now that these people who are in this much pain have fairly easy access to such weapons of destruction, if we don't want any more Columbines, then people need to pay attention. We need to make sure that people do not feel that alienated. Oiy, when will the world get it?

"I can't feel... the way I did before... Don't turn your back on me..."

Theres this chow mix at work. He reminds me soo much of Cubby. I know he is himself, and not Cubby, but, my heart goes out to him. He is definatly a chow mix, and he knows it, unfortunatly. If he wasn't so chowish in temperment, then he would probably have been adopted already. He's been at the shelter since July. I keep having.. flashforwards I guess. Not exactly a flash back of Cubby, but I can see the same thing happening with Butch. Or, it being the same basic story. I'm so afraid to like him. So afraid to give him any extra TLC. He needs it, but I don't know that I want to put myself into that position again. I already have to a certain extent, working with him on the "leave it" command. I can't have a dog. I don't even have time for my cat or my rabbit or my turtle. So I definatly don't have time for a dog. Also, I'm not allowed to have a dog where I live, and my apartment is way to small, and my cat HATES dogs. I mean, Butch is great with cats, but my cat would try to kill him. I hope he gets adopted soon. The longer he is at the shelter, the more attached I will get. And sometimes, even after 6 years, I can't prevent it. Logic doesn't work, and for some reason I can't build up the walls around my heart to fend them off. For now I will have to limit my contact with him I guess. I just don't know what else I could do.

Whats in a Name?

I went to this fair while I was in Oregon. They had a church group that was handing out certificates that have your name, and what your name means. They just look up your name in the computer, and print out the paper. The people I was with all had theirs done, and the people with the computer were asking me. I told them they probably didn't have my name, especially not the way I spell it. Well, lo and behold, they had my name, even spelled correctly. Turns out that my name is really very very old. It means "a pearl". I wonder if my mom knows that my name meant something. I always thought we just didn't know how to spell, or liked our children to feel alienated, as we all spell names differently. I never really looked at as a tradition to spell names differently... it never crossed my name until just now. Maybe, just maybe, thats something that we have that we pass down.

Me, Myself, and I.. or someone else?

I am really attached to my cat. I am uncomfortable around other people. My cat offers something no person can offer. Complete and total unconditional love. Ok, so maybe if I started beating him, and then never fed him, he wouldn't love me, however, I'm not going to start doing that. What I mean is, I don't have to hide anything from him. I could have every nasty, bad habit around, and he will still greet me at the door. I could.. pick my nose, and fart and burp constantly, and do lots of other things that are something other than lady like, and he won't judge me, he won't care. I can come home crying every day for 2 years, and he will still love me. He won't get fed up with me. Won't give up and not be able to tolerate my sadness any more. I could way 500 lbs, or 100 lbs, and he will still love me. When I am around just Freddie, I don't have to hide anything, be anything that I am not. I don't have to put on a face, or a front. I don't have to censor myself, or pretend to have it all together. I don't have to be sad, or happy. I can be anything, anyway, me and myself , and I. In front of other people, we censor ourselves. We think about what we do before doing it. We make sure we are fairly polite, respectable. I don't have to do any of that for the cat. I can just BE.

Birthdays

My birthday was a few days ago. There was really no todo about it. I was feeling rather sad, as I do on most of my birthdays. A few years ago, I was at work on my birthday, and feeling much of the same. The manager asked me to go check the mail. I told her I had checked it on my way in that morning, but she told me she really needed me to go check it again, because she was waiting for something to come in. So I was like, fine, ok, no prob. I went and got Cubby (the mailbox is at the end of a very long drive way, so it was a short 5-10 minute walk with the dog), and checked the mail. Just as I thought, the mailbox was empty. So I sat down back at the shelter, out in the drive way, and spent a little time with the dog. Then Paula knocked on the window, and tells me I have a phone call. So I get up, and go inside. Reaching for the phone, i look around, and realize that everyone is wearing party hats and their is a cake on the desk. They threw me a mini suprise party. It was great. It totally made my day. Anyway, since then, that has been the the general rule of thumb for birthdays. Bring in a cake, and a present, and have a little celebration. Well, my birthday this year fell on a day where the most people are out. So, there was no celebration. Not even a happy birthday. No word from my family. No word from friends. Towards the end of the day, my cousin came into work and brought me a piece of cake. It was nice. But it was sad, because other than in a chat room, that was it. My mom called the next day. Anyway, the whole thing was rather dissappointing. On Tuesday, the manager looked at the calander and was like, "oh man, it was your birthday, we need to have a cake". Then that was the end of it. Well, Today, she brought in cupcakes and a present. It was a little late, but it was such a nice gesture. It really made my day. Made me feel much better about the whole thing. I'm still lonely, and need people in my life who really get it, but , maybe they care a little more than I usually think they do. I don't know. I just don't know, and don't think I will ever have it figured out. Maybe some day it will all fall into place, but I doubt it. No point in worrying about it at this point though. Another year to go before I have to worry about being forgotten on my birthday again. Now I just have to worry about ThanksGiving and Christmas.

Ideas Anyone??

Today must have been idea day. I was on a roll this morning. I think I had 3 or 4 ideas... although I can't currently remember what they are.

Reading that makes me feel like a total blond. LOL Anyway, I'm talking like... ideas of things that may make things easier or whatever.

Memories

Memories are strange. Sometimes we remember the most random details of our life. For instance, Living on BI, I remember:
Getting icecream with my mom at "The Icecream Place" (yes, thats the name of it) and wanting a sugar cone but getting a wafer cone.
Wanting Bubblegum Icecream.
Making my mom lick the icecream cone because I couldnt keep up with the dripping.
Offering her a taste of my icecream for a taste of hers.
Going into the restaurant and asking "can I get some cheeeeesseee luiseeee."
The taste of rice cakes with peanutbutter and honey on them.
The wooden honey stick in the drawer next to the sink.
The deeeep sink in the bathroom in the restaurant.
Learning to blow bubbles in my gum in the restaurant.
Singing Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, while hiding under the counter, sneaking sugar packets.
Spinning on the stools.
Kristina biting her tongue so hard I thought she was dying.
Jess eating a rock, then eating cat food.
Trying to sneak out of my friend's house in the middle of the night because her mom was babysitting me. She stationed her oldest son on the couch to catch me. I still got out.
The orange and white longhaired kitten that we kept in the bathroom. We had to give him away because we couldn't let him out, and we couldn't keep him inside.
Being terrified of Daddy cat.
My mom eating junior mints, until last year I thought she liked mint chocolate like I do because of that.. it turns out she sometimes like junior mints... but in general, does not like mint + chocolate.
Laying on the living room floor crying because I didn't know if my father was dead or alive.
Hating the color green because I left my paints outside under the picnic table, and the green got ruined in the rain.
Trying to dig a hole in the sand while I had a hangnail on my pinkey and how much it hurt.
A lot of crazy, stupid, insignificant little things. All from before I was 5 yrs old. People need to realize how much they affect even young children. Children are sponges. And everyone that they meet may have a major affect on them.