No news is good news, so all news is bad news... so it seems

11 o'clock rolls around and the late news comes on... on three different channels, flipping amoungst the three... and all of the news is bad. Night after night, day after day... Fire here, illness there, war here, drugs there, abductions here, murder there.. etc... over and over and over and over again. The whole world is hopeless. And one little action causes reactions all over the place. No man is an island... everything that we do affects so many others. In the world there are only like 7-8 degrees of seperation... so, in other words... i know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows ANYone. So, If I have a horrid day at work, and tell someone about it... that affects there mood, which then goes onto affect everyone else. Theres so much pain, so much sadness, what are we supposed to do with it all?? Just suck it up, plug along, one day at a time, lonely and afraid... for years and years and years... I'm positively baffled by anyone who manages to not be suicidal in this life.

What I want most in life

Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
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.... hmm, seems to be right.

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
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This is the quiz

Youre gonna be attacked by a ridiculously small
animal and bleed to death


Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
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Superbowl Sunday

It's only a few minutes left in the game, and the game almost is tied. I'm hoping the Patriots win, but now I don't know. Sitting here, alone, with my cat, watching the game... haha, one of the best parts is the commercials... I really like these public service announcements, then again, I'v always liked public service announcements for some strange reason. I guess I just think that something as simple as commercials against harmful things shouldn't really be considered commercials. Would be nice if the tv stations or whoever controls the tv air waves would donate time to those announcements on a daily basis. If we drum it into peoples heads, then maybe they will get the message. My favorite one is the one about the glass popsicles... its a parody on the ciggarett commercials.

Theres more than one way to ... kill a pig.. or roast a duck.. no wait, its skin a cat

Nothing's gonna change my world...
Theres just this deep sadness that runs through me for some reason. And I feel it even on good days. And even though today had no reason to be a bad day, I found myself sitting here, crying, thinking about starting a first draft of a suicide note. And then, that led to me wondering how many asprin it would take to do me in, and what the most lethal combination of pills would be, if I were to run to the store right now. So that it wouldnt look suspicious. I was thinking a big bottle of asprin, and a box of sleeping pills. And then, I could run to a different store, and pick up some other things. And in the morning, no one would know. And sunday, probably no one would know. Maybe on monday.... Maybe not for even longer. So I came online, and noone was on, so I went looking on petfinder.. which led me to a website that had job positions for this other shelter on it. And, I ended up emailing the shelter. I also got this email from this guy that saw my profile on a server, and I emailed him back also. There are many reasons why people commit suicide. And there are the people who kill themselves, and then the people who "never end their mortal life", but instead, stop living. I have done that. I have stopped everything except mere existance. I didn't mean to go looking for a new job, but, I guess its a cpr to my failing hope.

Words to live by

"keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring"-Tom Hanks, Cast away
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Do or die

Something has to change, I can't keep going like this. I'm back to not getting up except to go to work. Try to pull the pillows over my head and sleep as long as possible on the one day that I have off, not because I'm tired, but because I can't get up. Its so hard to do normal things, so hard to drag myself around. Last time it was like this, I merely reinforced my addiction to the shelter, going there every day. I'm drawn to do this again. But I don't want to. First of all, I get in trouble. And second, now, even that is getting hard. I don't know. I know that I have to figure out how to change it though. I don't want to be a train wreck any more. I want to get it all pulled together, and keep it together this time. When I moved it was almost easy. I got up, made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned .. it took only about 20 minutes. At this point, it will take about 4 hours to clean up my apartment, everything is a disaster. And that just makes it worse. I had been hodling it together, and then it all just fell apart. This little bit here, that little bit there, and then next thing I knew, it was insanity again. But I have to get it together, because I can't live like this any more. I have figure it out. I need something to put it back together. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH something something something has to work, has to get it together, another 50 yrs is way to long to live like this.

Its not that bad... or is it?

Ugh, I don't want to get out of bed any more. I'm tired of making these entries. These... blah life is horrid entries... All things considered, my life is not "that bad", so whats wrong with me? I have a good cat, and I have my own apartment, and a decent job, and a car and plenty of food and heat... so whats the deal? Whats my damage?I'm like a trainwreck, and theres nothing left to salvage. Lifes not that bad, and I feel bad for being so blah and depressed when I see people who have so much less doing so much better. When I hear of things and go.. wow, if I were that person, I would have killed myself already. A coworker got pregnant, and her boyfriend didn't want the baby, and thats what I thought. I would have killed myself, rather than continue. I am starting to use that thought as a comfort again. Not like I was, not like death is imminent, but, like, its ok, because when things get real bad, then I will do it. And to maintain this low low level of sanity, or this low level of insanity, I choose not to feel about 95% of the time. Not to be compassionate, not to sympathize, not to delve into the deeper emotions, or feel anything than what I absolutely must to get by. If I dare allow myself to feel more... the suicidal tendencies will increase triple fold. So, I just keep plugging. Because thats all I am able to do. I can't manage to do more than just get by for some reason. Arg, There is no way out and the walls are closing in, whats a girl to do?

Merry Christmas, with a touch of Bah Humbug.

First of all, we will start with the Bah Humbug. On Jamestown, we lived across from this older couple that my grandfather had been friends with. The man committed suicide on Tuesday. He managed to convince his wife to leave the house without him, and then called the police station and told them their was a body in the front yard, and to please come and remove it before his wife got home. Then he hung up, went outside, and shot himself. His wife, now his widow, has spent her first Christmas in decades without him, only 2 days later, making funeral arrangements. Poor Woman.

Last night, I saw two people I went to school with. Both people were pretty cool when we went to school. Liked to cause a little bit of trouble, but nothing huge, dabbled in drugs and alcohol... but generally nice people. Last night, it was quite a difference. Both are completely strung out.

Ok, I was going to go on to talk about Christmas and such, but, now it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, so for now, we will only go with the Bah Humbug part.

One day its a habit, the next, a mere memory

After Cubby was euthanized, I wrote about him pretty often. As time went on, I wrote about him a little less, but took the 16th of every month to think about him. To write about him. Granted, sometimes I was late in my posting, but I always remember... hey another month has gone by. Then, it was a year. And all fo a sudden, that monthly habit was gone. It wasn't exactly intentional, and I still think about him often, and talk about him when I get the chance to bring him up in conversation. I have dreams about him on occassion. But, I know long have a feeling because its the 16th of the month. The week of, I'm not going, oh yeah, the 16th is on *****day... or, Oh man, the 16th was the other day. I didn't even realize it until tonight. I was chatting with some friends in a chat room, and one of them asked me about the dog in the picture. And so I told him a little about what happened. And as I was typing away to this friend who is yet also still a stranger, I realized that I was no longer taking the 16th as a day of mourning. I am saddened by this turn of events.
I have a few things that I saw on an e-mail at work today. Very relevant.

Have a heart that never hardens
A temper that never tires
And a touch that never hurts.
Charles Dickens

In loving memory of Cubby and Rocky
and all my beloved furbabies
that have gone on before me.
Dear God if they are not in Heaven
as I know it, may I go where they are.....

"Sadness flies away on the wings of time"
Jean de La Fountaine
That last one is sooooooooo true. Time heals all wounds, even if we don't want it to.

Happy Holidays, or Bah Humbug?

I don't know why, this year it just doesn't feel very christmasy. I mean, I'v been Christmas shopping and everything, listened to Christmas music on the radio... I'm just amazed that its coming up so fast, a week away. It doesn't feel like it this year. Maybe this is how Christmas feels when you live alone? I have a little mini tree, about a foot tall, with two ornaments on it. Thats my only decoration in my apartment. At work, we wanted to have little stockings for everyone, and just have everyone put something little in them. Somehow, even that has not gotten rolling yet. We've even had snow and everything this year so far... something just seems to be missing.
On another note,
Yesterday at work, this cute little chow mix, Butch, was adopted. I gave the person adopting him as much information as I could. When they left, I worried, and hoped that Butch would be alright, and live happily ever after. I was the only one at the shelter. After a few minutes of worrying, and finishing up the paperwork, I became sad... the sadness then snowballed quickly to me standing there sobbing. I just had a meltdown. Butch had been at our shelter since the middle of July. We got him from another shelter, where he had been atleast since last Christmas. Butch turned a year old in September, and had spent 3/4 of his life as we know in an animal shelter. Anyway, while he was at our shelter, for 5 months, I didn't spend an outrageous amount of time with him. I took him for one walk, taught him "leave it", but that was all the real special attention he got from me. He was/is a real sweety, very affectionate, loves to give kisses. But, we see a lot of dogs like that. Its been a long time since I'v cried when an animal gets adopted. Part of it was that I was trying to use him to replace Cubby. I was being careful not to spend extra time with him, not to give him preferential treatment to all the other dogs. It wasn't only his adoption that had me crying, I know that... It just suprised me. It made me wonder how much longer I can keep doing this for. I've been there for 6 yrs now. I don't know how people can do it for 20 years... how do you make yourself forget all of those animals? After 6 years, I've seen between 1400-2000 animals go through our shelter. I don't know, things just got to me last night, between the shelter and everything else. Oiy.

Only the lonely can play...

I miss people. Specific people. I miss animals, or.. maybe I just miss missing them. But I do really miss people. What we had, what we would have had, if I hadn't pulled away. I want back the people I have lost, and all the good that went with them. I have a lot of work to do before I will be able to stop forcing people out of my life.

Sleepless in New England

Its not yet 8am on a monday morning, my day off. I can't sleep. I shouldn't have gone to sleep early last night. I'v been awake for an hour now. I was tossing and turning waking up about every 15 minutes for 2 hours before that. Although I do that every morning lately. Lonely, I prefer the company of my dreams, the state of almost unconciousness that sleep allows. I had a dream a few days ago, as I occassionally do, of someone who fell out of my life a few years ago. I miss him a lot, as I usually do after these dreams. It makes me sad to realize that only coincidence will allow us to ever see each other again. I was laying here, hoping I would drift off into sleep again, and looked up, and freddie was sniffing the monitor. And he had the happy look on his face. I thought he would mark it with his cheek, but he didn't. I don't know if he only found himself on the monitor, or maybe he picked up the scent of some of the cats we used to live with. And it made me wonder if he ever misses them. Did he forget his family that he was raised with? And what about the other cats we lived with before we moved here? Does he ever wonder about them, want to see them again? If I come home and have been touching Buttons and Paprika, will he be sad that he didn't see them? He brings me such a high percentage of the happiness that I feel, I hope I make him happy.
I like to read. It gives me an escape. Lately however, I almost prefer not to do the work that reading is. I prefer much more brainless activities, such as tv, computer, and sleep. I'm half way through a good book, and yet, I sit here and wish there was something good on tv, good people in a chat room, or that I could be asleep. Meanwhile, I certainly have plenty of stuff that needs to be done... I just can't seem to get up and do them yet. Life becomes so difficult when theres no motivation to do anything. Breathing itself becomes difficult at times.

"Its the end of the world as we know it..." or "Why can't we all just get along?"

I sit here, waiting out the snow storm, trying to entertain myself, rolling my change and half listening to the news. Another attack in Iraq, a suicide bombing in another country, a fatal shooting in Providence, serial killings along rt. 214, people dying of AIDS and cancer and the flu. Pedestrians getting fatialy hit by motorists while trying to cross the street. Dissention among the ranks. Is the world coming to an end? People dying all over the place, from all sorts of reasons. The majority of the reasons on the news are unneccessary. People killing people, every where. And for what? Because of religion, money, you looked at me the wrong way, so on and so forth. I wonder how its possible that the human population keeps going up on earth when there is so much death and destruction all over the world. I know the world is not really ending. But it really feels like it is most of the time. If you listen to the news. I wonder how it is that the newscasters don't get burnt out. So much bad news to report, very rarely does good news make it. And does the good news ever out weigh the bad news? No, not that I can remember. We have a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on AIDS, a war on crime,... we like to solve problems with war it seems. So maybe that shouldn't be the word "or" up there... maybe it should be "and". "Its the end of the world as we know it..." AND " Why can't we all just get along?" Yeah, I think I like and better. Because its both, not one or the other. If we all got a long, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If we all had a little more tolerance for each other, and people weren't so ... I'v lost the word. The idea is there, I just can't put a name on it. If people weren't so... able/willing to make mistakes? Sort of what I'm going for but not really. I think there is a word for what I'm looking for, but I am no longer sure. Nothing is good enough, and everything is too good to be true. OIy.

World AIDS Day, 2003

I think yesterday was World AIDS day.. a day devoted to spreading awareness about HIV and AIDS. On the news this morning they said something like there are 100,000-200,000 people in the USA that are infected with HIV/AIDS and do NOT KNOW IT! So this is just me giving a shout out to all those people out there who do have it, who don't have it, who will get it, and who will prevent it. HIV/AIDS is 100% preventable... its sad to realize that it has become such an epidemic. So remember, people with HIV/AIDS are people too, and use common sense, use protection, get tested, and BE SAFE!

A chore or not?

When simply sitting up in the morning is a chore, how is a person also supposed to get up and brush their teeth?
When simply opening your eyes is a chore, how is a person supposed to put on clean clothes?
When simply opening your mouth to talk to a friend is a chore, how is someone supposed to do the dishes?

Its hard to become conscious in the morning, or any time for that matter, and even harder to maintain that state of being. Its not a case of not getting enough sleep, or being over tired or anything, its simply hard to BE at this point. So how am I supposed to hang out with friends, do the dishes, clean my car, do the laundry? How am I supposed to function like a normal human being, when all I want is to be asleep? Not even asleep, simply unaware instead. What then?

Lonely... whyyyyyy am IIIIII so lonely...

I want...... to fall completely and totally head over heals in love, and have it reciprocated.
I want...... to actually feel a pair of arms wrap around me, and no longer have to imagine them.
I want...... to not have it be a chore to be with friends, for it to be a natural thing, the way its supposed to be.
I want...... to be able to listen to music or read poetry without having to stop because my stomach starts to flip, and my heart hurts
I want..... to not wind up the scary old cat lady.
I want..... to be able to maintain a normal level of cleanliness without it being a big ordeal.
I want..... to live happily ever after, or to just not live any more at all.

Just a few things to think on.

I am reading this book by Frank McCourt (I think, I can't seem to locate the book at this second) Woohoo, I found the book and I was right. Anyway, so I'm reading this book, and its called " 'Tis" It's pretty good. So I was reading, and came across a quote that Frank heard when he was younger, and it was really quite something.
"...the only person in the world who makes any sense is Albert Camus who says your most important act every day is deciding not to commit suicide."
That one kind of made me go.. hmmmm...
And one more little thing. I was online earlier, and on msn messenger, you can change how your name appears on a daily basis, and it still comes up on your friends buddylist, because it is done by email, rather than by name persay. And today, I had one name pop up as "I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke off" Thats another thing that makes me go "hmmmmm..."
Ok, thats it for now. I just had to get it down so I could stop obsessing about it.

Come on, you can DO it!!!

I've been thinking. Primarily about last year. How were things different last fall. Last fall, despite how hard things got at work, I didn't face burn out. I didn't get pissy. I had a sense of humor about things at work. I had my bad days, but, over all, all things considered, I felt ok. I felt better than I do now. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was the fact that I was active. I was working out 3x's a week, plus sometimes walking and such. And I think it made a real difference. I didn't notice the difference then quite as much as I notice it now. I'm thinking of going back to the gym. I liked the gym, I just stopped going. I was embarrassed with the fact that I had gone off the diet, began to gain weight over the holidays. I'm getting to the point now though, where I'm getting ready to swallow any pride and go back. I mean, I think I'm still paying for the membership, so why shouldn't I? Its still an idea I'm mulling over. But I think, maybe sometime in the next month or so, I may end up there again. I hope so.