Tired... oh so very tired

Hmmmm, Blogger has made some more changes... Interesting.. I think I like.
Anyway, Ugh, I'm tired. And tense. I can feel it all through my arms and legs and neck and back, that tiredness you get not from being physically tired, but just from lack of sleep and stress and being worn thin. I have a pair of kittens that I am bottle feeding, and I think one of them has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. S-he (not sure which yet) has become ultra lethargic and won't eat. Poor lil diddly dot... doesn't even have ears or eyes open yet... just lost the umbilical cord remnant this morning. And usually, when so tiny, there is nothing that you can really do. Just hope for the best.
And, I'v been a fool, and my internet service, my phone, and my credit card are all currently cancelled. They will be turned back on in relatively short order, but I don't know if that means a a few days, a week, a month, or what. Oh well, my own doing. But they will be back again soon.

Lets see if I can get his pictures up now.. hmm here we go..

These hopefully will come up as pictures of my dearly missed Cubby dog.

Wishy washy, So confused

I am sad... I, like almost every one else in the world, long for human companionship... I want someone to love me and all that, blah blah blah.. but here's the thing... I don't actually like people. In general, I think most people are pretty retched. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know if I could live with another person. Ugh, Oiy, blech. Not that it matters much, because I will never find anyone anyway.

Day after day

Day by day by day goes by, just existing, continuing, down the road. The tiredness grows, overtakes everything I do. Always simply waiting, for tomorrow, or the next day, or next month.. waiting for that magic wand, that miracle that will change my life. Just keep plugging on and on, with nothing, towards no goal, no destination. Its not always about the destination, but also about journey, this I know, and yet, am helpless to do anything about it. I have no destination, so therefore, no journey, and yet, have to keep going anyway, for there is not a pause button on life. So instead, I march on blindly, with little acknowledgement of the lives going on around me. How long does this go on for? How far can you go before something comes along to wake you up? What am I waiting for? Why should I have to wait? Life is to be lived, not merely tolerated. And yet, all I can do is try to tolerate it for now. I simply can't live.

Alfred the Turtle

Ok, I think that crazyness is contagious. I have a crazy hamster, a cat who's a bit off, and now, my turtle. Alfred is a painted turtle, and usually eats just about everything he can put in his mouth. Sometime last week, I noticed a little beetly thing in his tank. I figured it got in there somehow accidently, and that wasn't a problem. Well... here's the thing... the beetle is still there! It usually stays on his rock, sometimes accidently falls in the water... and Alfred never eats him. Alfred has a pet. Maybe I should give the beetle a name. LOL There are also a lot of bloodworms in the tank, that Alfred has yet to eat. I don't know if he just too slow, or too lazy to catch them. Strange strange turtle. I mean, he looks for them, acts like he is eating them, but, being a turtle, he is always hungry. Anyway, if he wants to have a pet beetle, he can, I don't mind, so long as the beetle stays in the tank.

If I only had another 6 months...

If I knew that I could live well and fully for another 6 months.. and then I would just cease to exist, what would I do with my time?
I would go swimming.
I would walk a dog
I would ride a horse
I would go to the aquarium
I would go to the zoo
I would tell my family how I feel about them
I would speak my mind
I would watch the sun rise
I would watch teh sun set
I would go to the bar and flirt shamelessly
I would ride a bike fast down a hill
I would go swim with dolphins
I would go canoeing
I would go camping
I would laugh heartily
I would eat some really really sinful desserts
I would snuggle with someone
I would party hearty
I would get a tattoo
and of course, I would be going sky diving, bunji jumping...
I would.. take a trip to the rain forest
I would kayak among orca's
I would go dancing and sing karaoke, like no one else is around
I would live
I would not tolerate people who made me feel bad
Thats what I would do if I had 6 months to live... Or atleast... thats what I hope I would do. What would you do?

Some more (bigger) changes in Bloggerworld

Seems this Blogger thing is still changing itself. Been seeing differeing things here and there since I started this Blog, and this time, they have changed a lot, fast. I like it. More choices for the templates again, which is great, because for a while, they were kind of stingy about them. I like to change things up on occassion, and there were only a couple of options. I don't know a whole heck of a lot about changing the template custom like, so I was sort of stuck. So yep, I like these dots. Alrighty, my fingers hurt. Fred doesn't feel well, this worries me. He had a semi-blocked bladder yesterday, emergency trip to 24 hour vet clinic got it unblocked temporarily, but he seems to be having the same issue today. Hopefully, we can get to see his regular vet tomorrow. He has to come to work with me tomorrow though, just so I can keep an eye on him. My poor lil Freddie.

Unconstitutional??? Which constitution are you reading?

Ok, so there is all this todo about Gay Marriage, or the lack there of. I, for one, am totally for it. But here's what I don't understand. All of the people who are against it. With so much hate in the world, why would we prevent someone from loving someone else? And who gets to define what a family is? Why should it be that the only family that counts is the nuclear family? How many of you grew up in the nuclear family, of a mom, a dad, and 2 kids? I didn't. I lived in a home with my mom, my brother, my aunt, my 2 cousins, and my grandfather. Oh yeah, and at one point, a friend of my aunt's as well who needed a place to stay. We were and still are a family. We work hard, telling children that its ok if they live with mom, or dad, or grandma, or grand dad, or an aunt, or uncle, or any combination of the above. So that they don't feel like there is something wrong with their family. But now, they want to make a constitutional amendment that says that family's with 2 men or 2 women don't count. Ok, and the constitution was written to give people the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In the constitution, it also stipulates that a legal document in one state MUST be honored in all states. So, that means, if I have a CA drivers license, I am allowed to drive in OR. It also means, that if I marry someone in MO, I'm am still considered married in OH. So when CT said it was against their constitution to honor gay marriages done in MA, their constitution is AGAINST the MAIN CONSTITUTION! WHICH IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!!

Just a little poem

I don't know who wrote this, I got it in e-mail. (yes, one of those ones that say you have to send it to more people or you have no friends, but thats besides the point) The point is, that I do like the little poem, so I'm putting it here.
If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you
and share with you its beauty

On the days you're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,

A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding

are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,

A friend who's always there.

Am I what? Ohh... Can you define that first?

People ask me if I'm happy, I ask them to define "Happy" for me. If people ask if I like my job (or tell me that I do, cus I get that A LOT) I usually tell them yes, or nod in agreement. But sometimes, I wonder. I ask other people if they like their jobs. Because I wonder. I don't know if I like my job or not. Sometimes I there are good moments, sometimes there are bad moments, and sometimes, I just don't feel it. I wonder, Do I like my job, and just dislike the bad parts, or do I dislike my job, and just like the good bits? Or maybe, maybe, I'm just still undecided. the jury is still out, I'm still on the fence. I think my situation is sort of unique, because I'm told all the time "wow, you must LOVE working here." However, I work there because I love animals, and love it when animals love me. I do not work there because I like spending so much time on the computer, doing paperwork, on the phone, talking to people who are difficult or JUST DON'T GET IT!!!, cleaning up dog/cat waste, doing laundry, scrubbing walls, doing dishes, sweeping floors, having most of the animals start their trip to the shelter by hating me because of all that I represent, feeling the heartbreaking sadness of when something goes wrong, and an animal can't find a home, turning away dozens upon dozens of animals at the door, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. Looking at that list, there are far more things going against working there, than there are keeping me working at the shelter. However, size and length aren't everything, and yes, I will give you a moment to drag your minds out of the gutter. Really now. :-p Just because the con list is longer than the pro list, does not mean that the cons outweigh the pro's. There are other things to add to the pro list I'm sure, I just wasn't intending on making a list. Just on the general track of, I'm not sure. I don't really know if I would like or dislike other jobs better. Blah, I dunno.

Music has such an effect...

Why does my heart... feel so bad, Why does my soul... feel so bad...
I went to a conference yesterday about animal sheltering. One of the workshops was put on by one of the agents on "Animal Precinct", and he had a short video, that was just faces of animals that were in need of help... and it had a song playing in, and the above were the lyrics. The faces were sad enough, the music really added a kick to it though. A few tears escaped. One of my coworkers was trying real hard to control her crying, she almost had to get up and leave. If I had been alone, I would have just sobbed, hard core. Such sadness.

Is it really THAT bad?

It sound's strange, but I think life is easier to live when your depressed and suicidal. Atleast, it is once your there and able to tolerate it, as compared to if you get out of that state, and are sitting there going, ok, so now what do I do, think, feel? Life seems far too long to actually live it. This guy that I knew from school, and I know his younger brother, shot himself in the head not too long ago. When I heard, I was going back and forth between thinking, I wonder what pushed him over the edge, and wondering why I didn't have the guts to just go for it already. My heart goes out so much for him, and for his brother. This is 3 people I'v known in the last couple years that have killed themselves. There is this guy that comes into my aunt's restaurant, who's in really poor health. Like 400 lbs, insulin dependant diabetic, and just eats everything he wants. He told her that if he had known he was going to live so long, he would have taken better care of himself. I think I'm kind of in that same boat. Why do the necessary things if I'm hopefully just going to die soon. Then I won't have to worry about it. But, this is after 3 yrs of thinking like this, I realize, the out isn't nearly as fast and easy as I was hoping. There is just too much to consider. I just want a magic wand to make everything ok, on the outside and on the inside. Another 50 yrs is just too long to be fighting this, thinking like this, living like this.

TV Characters or our Friends?

Tv is so strange. We find a show we like, and we tune in... every week, same time, same place, like a date with old friends. We do this through the length of the show, and when they tell us that the show is ending, the series is over... we become sad. We allow these fictional characters into our lives, and we try to keep dates with them, and we laugh, cry, cheer, get angry, etc, right along with them, always the hidden observer. Such a strange, interesting concept. And often, while we are tuned in to a show, we are tuned out to the majority of the rest of the world. As if we really are in the scene. Oddness.

Oh yeah, one more thing...

Ok, one more thing, I forgot... If it's illegal to have a same sex marriage.. who decides what defines a man or a woman... Some people are born of both genders, and are assigned a gender... sometimes, they assign the wrong gender. Also, if you get married, and then your spouse gets a sex change... does that anull the marriage, even if you want to stay married? Who decides this?

To Marry or not to marry, that is the question...

Ok, so in Massachussetts, the supreme court found it unconstitutional to not allow couples of the same sex to marry. So they gave the state until May to make provisions to allow same sex couples to marry, and have the same type of marriage that heterosexual couples have. So now, there is a bill to make a constitutional amendment, so that same sex marriages can legally be outlawed. If it passes, this will be the first time there will be an amendment to the constitution to take rights away from a group of people, instead of to give rights to people. People who are against homosexual marriage have one common thought... "Because Marriage is between a man and a woman, it always has been... its never been done before.. thats not what we hold in moral standards..." etc. Notice the lack of real, concrete arguments. People have a right to life, liberty, and to seek happiness... by not allowing couples to get married, you are interferring with that seeking happiness bit. You are also denying rights to a specific segment of the population. It goes against everything that our country was supposed to be built on. A seperation of church and state. People need to get a clue. Everyone is supposed to be treated the same. This is not supposed to be a country of "Everyone is equal EXCEPT (anyone that we don't approve of, for any reason)"..., Instead, this is supposed to be a country of "All men are created equal"... We have decided that this means men, women, people of all races, colors, religious beliefs, so on and so forth... Why people can't see this, I just don't know. Open your minds. In a world so full of hate and war and death and killing and rage, why are we going to make it harder for anyone who loves anyone?

...And life goes on, every minute, every hour, every day

Time's just a train, rolling down the tracks, every minute is a boxcar... you can't get back... Take a look around you, It's all gonna change, whatever you see, It's never gonna stay the same....
No matter what happens, what life throws our way, what buildings fall down, what part of the world gets blown up, our lives just keep going. The clock keeps ticking, the sun sets and then rises again in the morning, no matter what. There is no stopping it, not for a week, a day, an hour, a minute, a second... In times of real sadness, we "take a moment of silence", but its only a moment, and even while some of us may be taking a moment, most other people are not... their lives are still marching ahead, and when the moment is over, so will ours. This something that everyone knows, that you can't stop the clock, that you can't stop your life, take a time out, but I wonder how many people ACTUALLY REALIZE it. Even though we actually know it. We tell people with a broken heart, "It's ok, you will feel better, you will get over it, Time heals all wounds" etc. But even saying it, being told it, sometimes, we don't really think about it, don't really understand all the implications. Sometimes these realizations just hit me like, omg, I always knew that but I never knew it at the same time. Oiy, I'm just crazy.

Is there anyone out there?

A bunch of people online, and the only ones here are the ones I don't speak to. Not necessarily because I won't speak to them, more because they don't speak to me... its kind of this circle thing. It's been a while since I'v posted. Blah, things are the same as every it seems, the way they have always been, the way they will always be. I got a hamster. You know, because, you can never have too many pets inside a match book sized apartment. I also got 4 fish. Zebra fish. Nemo, Omen, Nome, Meno. The hamster is named Liberty Peanut. I was somehow firmly under the impression that getting a few more pets would fill up that gap. Blah, it didn't work, I know this doesn't work, I don't know why I'm always so sure it will. Liberty Peanut is absolutely certain that she can chew her way through the bars of her cage. No luck so far. I wonder if she is unhappy in there, or if she just does it because it is fun. I hope she is not unhappy. I used to know that work was my sanctuary. It was where I went to make the world better. To make my life better. I would wake up and want to be there. The day would end, and I would want to go back. Want to sleep there, to never leave. Its no longer like that. Hasn't been like that for me for a long time now. A lot of reasons why I guess, I just don't know what to do now that there are no places I want to be. It makes me sad. My Fred makes me happy... ish. He brings more joy to me than almost anyone or anything else. I spent last weekend in NYC, meeting friends... it was so nice. It was natural. On my way home I thought, wow, if anything in life could be like this I probably wouldn't be depressed. I understand that life is not "all rainbows and butterflies, its compromise", but where in the rule book does it say that you should have to work so darn happy to not want to shoot yourself in the head? Some days are good, not bad at all, but in the end, when everything is said and done, I always have this to fall back on, back into. To sink back into the depths of my own black hole. I wish the blackness would just be swift and swallow me up completely, don't give me a chance to fight it, but for some reason, I guess I always do. Fight it that is. It's like a reflex, something that I can't help. I understand that my life is not that bad, there is nothing in it that should make me wallow so much in the mud pit, people all over the world have things so much worse than I do, and they don't want to stop the fight.To each his own I guess.

No news is good news, so all news is bad news... so it seems

11 o'clock rolls around and the late news comes on... on three different channels, flipping amoungst the three... and all of the news is bad. Night after night, day after day... Fire here, illness there, war here, drugs there, abductions here, murder there.. etc... over and over and over and over again. The whole world is hopeless. And one little action causes reactions all over the place. No man is an island... everything that we do affects so many others. In the world there are only like 7-8 degrees of seperation... so, in other words... i know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows ANYone. So, If I have a horrid day at work, and tell someone about it... that affects there mood, which then goes onto affect everyone else. Theres so much pain, so much sadness, what are we supposed to do with it all?? Just suck it up, plug along, one day at a time, lonely and afraid... for years and years and years... I'm positively baffled by anyone who manages to not be suicidal in this life.

What I want most in life

Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla
.... hmm, seems to be right.

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla