Alone and adrift

Kind of feeling lonely and lost at the moment. I've been eating like crazy to try to stave off feelings for like a month now, not good. It started before that, heck, it's been going on my whole life, but then it kind of came to a head and that was like jumping off the dock instead of sliding down a slippery slope. I need to stop eating, I need to exercise. I need to figure out a way to work with these feelings. I need to figure out how I can become content, happy. But can one be content and happy and still strive for self improvement? I feel like thats one of those mind bending/emptying questions, for meditation... like, if a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound, or what came first, the chicken or the egg. Only this is my life,not some arbitrary question to make one's mind go blank. Can you be content with yourself, love yourself, and still strive for self improvement? Can you find the area between being a bitch and a doormat? How come I can't be not a bitch and not a doormat, but I seem to sometimes fall into both at once? Why can't I be content to be alone? I swear, I've been lonely my whole life. I feel so numb, so middle of the road,so average in the not good way. Like... I'm gray. No color, no personality, no fun, no entertainment. I'm so not spontaneous, but I'm also not a planner. Am I the most lazy person on the planet? I mean, like, I can't even get up the umph to be silly and have personality, or to plan things for my life... I just wait for things to fall in my lap, or for others to do things for me, or to give me a huge shove. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??? Nothing in my life was traumatic enough to cause me to be this broken. I don't have any physical scars, people weren't overly mean to me, just the normal level of meanness I guess. It couldn't have been that horrible, right?

My brother, so sweet

so what i wanna say is this... your awesome you always have been and ive never really let you know just how awesome i truely think you are your everything i wanna be when im old  i wanna do all you do i wanna help animals and most of all i wanna make a difference in this world like you have even if it is only in the eyes of a small child coming with their parent to take home a new kitty
in short meg. your the shit

WooT!

I did it I did it! I got back in! Wooohoooo!!

I wish I had Ketchup or some Catsup

I'm having hotdogs as part of my dinner, and I don't have any. They would taste better if I did.

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DGLD&g=0&o=1 Ok, I tried to add this as a full thing, but it wouldn't allow me, so here is just the link to it.

Mandatory "vacation"

I'm on Mandatory Vacation... dun dun dun. Which means that I have 2 weeks off from work. It's paid, cus I have more than 2 weeks paid vacation available. My boss decided that I was suffereing from compassion fatigue... I was kinda like... Duh! I coulda told you that. Heck, I have atleast two sets of notes from two different compassion fatigue and burn out workshops I have been to. But Anyway, apparently to help me get over it, I have to take time off... again, tell me something I don't know... so she did... she said.. "you're going to take off the weeks of the 17th and the 25th". I was like... ohhhhh kay... sure. Well, I'm one week in now, and every day I am tempted to call in, stop by, etc etc. I haven't done it yet though. I do want to go back to work though. I kind of wish I could go back to work tomorrow and then take another week off in 2-3 months. My vacation time doesn't carry over though, and my annual review is sometime next week, so I will lose any unused vacation time at that point. I get 4 weeks every year though, so I really could technically take a week off every 3 months, and I would like to, in theory. I can tell you though, that its been a week, and I've spent a lot of the week thinking about the shelter and making sure that I do NOT contact them. LOL. Another whole week to go now... and far less to do. This past week I watched a lot of movies that I borrowed from someone, and did a lot of cleaning. Well, now my house is pretty clean, and I watched all the movies... so now what? I don't have extra money, so its not like I can go to the movies and the zoo and rollerskating etc, every day. I don't even have cable... so the only thing to watch on tv is soap opera's most of the time. I am sure I will find something to do so I don't go stir crazy, but, the main thing I have to focus on all next week is still NOT contacting the shelter. I might call them tonight to let them know that I don't want everyone knowing I'm on vacation, but I plan on calling after they close so that I can just leave a message.

Tonight, I miss you.

Incubus has this song, "You've only been gone 10 days, ... I miss you". I can't remember any more of it, or even the exact way that line goes, but I can hear the "I miss you" in my head, over and over. I don't miss you often, not any more, but last night, and today, I do. I want to tell you that I don't hate you. Do you remember the first time I told you that? That was the real beginning. That was when I put myself out there and let you know that you could lean on me. I'm tempted to tell you one more time, to see what would happen. I know though that there is no good outcome if I do that. I won't be happy with anything you say. Even though I know that, I still miss you tonight. I wish I was talking to you. I wish I could conjure your arms around me, I wish I could hear your voice in my head. Before, If I missed you, I could conjure you up, and pull myself through until the next time. But I'v lost the ability to pull you up in my mind, to hear your voice, to feel your touch. Too much time has gone by, you made too many bad decisions, and I did my best to block you from my heart, my head, my thoughts and feelings. But tonight, I miss you. I don't want to miss you. I don't hate you, I want you to live happily ever after, I don't want you to break Jen or Sarah's heart any more either. I want to tell you I don't hate you, but I also want to tell you to stop being an idiot. Stop being a "Stupid Boy". I don't dare talk to you because I know you are still being a "stupid boy", and I know that if you were to be a stupid boy to me, I would get sucked in as if I dove into quick sand. But tonight, I miss you.

Bah, I'm a moron

Ok, I missed my 10% goal by .2 or .4 lbs on friday... If I had just found a way to eat just a little better, or exercise like... 10 minutes more, and I woulda gotten it, but I didn't. And my apartment is STILL a mess, cus I still didn't do any freaking cleaning, and we are still short handed at work, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. To top it all off, I've been eating out a lot again, mostly because my apartment is a mess and I'm lazy, and I'm in trouble at work. All of it is all my fault, cus I'm a freaking moron, and if I had just done what I needed to all along, at home, and done better at work, I wouldn't be feeling so stressed, I wouldn't be in trouble at work, and my animals would be healthier and happier and I wouldn't be in as much debt, and OMG why am I such a moron???? I am still not sure exactly how much trouble I'm in at work, but I'm nervous, although.. really, they wouldn't fire me in front of the whole staff at a staff meeting would they? But.. they might.. or they would just before, or just after... :-( I think I'm just being a drama queen, but Thursday night is a long way away, so I have a lot of time to freak out about this all.

Weightwatchers

Well, I'v been on WW for like 10 wks now, and so far, have lost 36 lbs. Woohoo.

I'll be loved, I'll be loved, Like I never have Known...

"You'll be loved, you'll be loved like you never have known, and memories of me will seem more like bad dreams, just a series of blurs like I never occured... someday, you will, be loved" - from Death Cab for Cutie

How I hope that someday, I will be loved, like I never have known. Most of the time, I'm not lonely any more. I don't know if I just got used to being alone, or if I just don't think about it any more, or I just learned to enjoy my own company, but most of the time I'm ok. Sometimes though, especially if I think about it, or if someone else thinks about it for me... (as someone who hasn't had a signifigant other in FOREVER, people ask, or other people tell me they will be alone forever and I'm kinda like... uhh YOU? what about me!) it comes creeping in. I fight it off a lot, and distract myself, ect, but good golly miss molly I dun wanna be alone forever, even if I'm totally antisocial most of the time. So, like, this is what I'm waiting for. Ready? Hold onto your seat... don't laugh too hard.
I want to have some nice guy strike up a casual friendship with me. From there, we become really good friends. And from there, we both fall totally in love, which we dance around for a while, and take really slow, and then eventually, live happily ever after. By take slow... I'm talking it will take a least a year to go from casual friends to really good friends... and we have to be really good friends for like, atleast 6 mths... I'm not setting a timeline, so much as simply thinking about myself and who I am and how long it will take me to trust someone enough to let things progress. Jeepers freakin' creepers I'm broked. And I'm like doing this weightloss thing, with Weightwatchers, which I like... but I just still have no motivation, and no hope that this is gonna work long term, cus quite frankly, I see no point in losing a bunch of weight so that I can be skinny and healthy enough to live longer to have longer to live and know that I'm rediculously broked, far past the point of ever being able to be in a healthy relationship ever. So like, then what do I do? It just gets annoying, and I dun know how to fix it, and bah humbug.

Holy Smokes

Yesterday, at work, a pair of dogs didn't want to eat very much, and were pretty quiet and lethargic. Something to pay attention too, but nothing to be alarmed about. So this morning, one of the dogs, Triscuit, had eaten his dinner, but didn't want to eat breakfast, and was really sore. His back, right leg was a little swollen, and he didn't want to walk on it, but he was willing to put it down and even put a little pressure on it. Again, nothing really to be too alarmed about, we see the same symptoms present several times a year, atleast 95% of the time the dog has Lyme, which we just treat with doxy. So we bring him to the vet where I am dropping off a pair of cats to be fixed, and they do a quick lyme test on him. The test comes up negative, so they tell me to bring him back for a full exam by the vet when I come back to pick up the cats in the afternoon. So we go back to the shelter, and he goes back in his kennel. Now, he is wagging his tail, saying hi to people and other dogs at the vets office, really just appears like he has a sore leg, and he's a little tired, which could just be because he is sore. No trouble breathing or anything. So we put him in his kennel, going back to taking care of the other 60 animals that need to be cared for first thing in the morning. An hour later, the girl taking care of the kennels today goes back into the area of the kennel where Triscuit lives, I was about to take out a couple of bags of garbage, and I hear the girl taking care of cats say that I need to go check on the dog right now because he must be getting worse. She hadn't seen him yet, just was relaying what the girl taking care of the dogs told her. So we both go right into the kennel, and look, Triscuit is laying on his side, fully stretched out... not breathing. He was dead. So I called the vet and they said I could bring him down. They did a necropsy, and don't know what he died from. He had fluid in his abdomen, which usually means a heart or liver problem, but both the liver and the heart looked ok. It's still possible it was the heart or liver, something that can't be seen without sending out tissue samples for extensive testing, which we didn't do, because of the cost issue. Poor Triscuit.

Quick, cover yer eyes!

I went to a bachelorette party last night, and the bachelorette had neglected to tell me that it was a sex toy party. And they expect everyone at the party to buy something. I hadn't brought any money in with me, so I didn't buy anything. I was the only one there who didn't though. LOL

Anyway, my ear is killing me. I keep itching it, which makes it hurt worse, I'm not sure if I just stretched it out, or what.

Who needs a sauna suit?

So today was a weight watchers meeting, and I got on the scale, hopeful but not sure what to expect... and tada, I lost 8 lbs. woohoo. Its only one week, nothing really to get excited about, I know how easy it is to give up, get off track, so heres hoping I keep going. I was also a good dubie today and got the post office to stop sending my mail back lol. Alright, it just occured to me that all the pot heads out there are going... uh dubie?? but yeah, thats how someone in my life before has used the word.. I can't be sure it wasn't like saying, yeah, that was a good joint, but oh well. So I have a goal position... which I saw on a commercial for some product several years ago... It's gotta be some crazy stretch or Yoga position, but the woman had her foot in her hands... her hands were up over her head, she was leaning forward, and her leg was extended out and up behind her. I hope to be bendy and stretchy and without spare tires enough to do that pose.. and not fall over or die of pain. It will be a while.. probably over a year before I get there.. but thats what I get for being a chunky monkey.

Lets slim down.... one last time

On Friday, I joined Weight Watchers. My hope is that I will lose a ton of weight, in a healthy way... for the last time. Fat... one of the things you hope to lose and never find again lol. So I am trying again, after letting myself regain what I lost last time I tried, and then some. Some moments it is really easy, other moments I am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to eat. The hard part is that I lack motivation. Last time, I was head over heals in love with someone, and decided that I had to lose weight for them to love me... it helped sooooo much. When that love went wrong... all my motivation disappeared, and I blew up like a blimp. This time I'm doing it because I want to, I know I need to, but still, there isn't enough motivation, so I'm pretty concerned that it isn't going to last, isn't going to stick. Also, on www.postsecret.com, or maybe in the book, there was a secret that someone was afraid that if they lost weight, they would have to deal with their fear of men... I didn't send in that secret, but I could have. Part of my reason to lose weight is so that I might have half a chance to get into a relationship, but then I remember that I'm terrified of that, so best case scenario, those two things simply cancel each other out in motivational factors. Lol, I almost wish that there was some kind "honesty" dating service... where someone would pair me up with a guy who doesn't mind a fatty mcfatty, and where I could go to the first date and say "Hi, how are you, I'm totally terrified". Then that would be off the table, and I wouldn't have to pretend that I am more socially adept, or less nervous than I would actually be. Then he would tell me something similar, and we would both feel better and live happily ever after. Ok, so thats jumping ahead a bit, but this is all make believe anyway, because even if there was such a service like that... I'm too much of a chicken shit to call them lol.Goodness gracious I'm one broken son of a gun. lol
On another note, I saw a long lost chatfriend online last night. He IM'd me and it totally made my night. I know enough about myself to know that if we talk on a regular basis, and he's as nice as he was last night, I will totally fall for him, and that might not be good, because ya know, its the internet, and we are so far apart, and we don't really know each other. But it was nice to feel the flutter of butterfly's when I think about talking to him. So, thats about it. Once I lose a bunch of weight, I will post my starting weight... but I'm still at the start so I can't do it yet.

If your heart doesn't break atleast once a week, you're not working hard enough...

Several years ago, I put hours of work into a cat at the shelter to teach him to accept people, and help him get adopted. It took about a year, but he was adopted by an older couple who adored him. After spending so much time with him, of course, I adored him also, and was half elated and half heartbroken to see him go. He did pretty well for the most part, but 2 months ago, we got a call from the people who adopted him. Bradley was suddenly going to the bathroom all over the house, in really odd places. He had also lost weight, although he had a good appetite. The went back and forth about whether they should take him to the vet or the shelter, and somehow decided it was a better idea to bring him back to the shelter. I was so sad. Of course he was stressed and rather grumpy for a while, but I instantly started working with him again. It was clear that there was something wrong with him that was other than behavioral, so we had the look at him, did blood work. His bloodwork came back, liver enzymes and billyruben were off. They wanted us to treat him with amoxi for a month, and then re-run the bloodwork. He had weighed in at 6.12 oz. So we treated him with the amoxi, and I continued convincing him that I still loved him, so he should still love me. It didn't take long this time, only a couple weeks to get to the point where he could be held, and only a couple more weeks to get to the point where he would cry for attention and ask to be held. Well, then it was time for his bloodwork to run again. He was good at the vet, and he had put on a full pound, it had been just about 5 weeks. Thats pretty damned good weight gain, especially for a cat who is under 10 lbs to begin with. Anyway, the weight gain had my hopes up, although his blood was dark and thick (compared to normal blood), but still, even the vet (usually pessimistic), thought he would have a decent shot but that he just might need a little more medical care long term. So we get the results back on the bloodwork, and sadly, the result wasn't nearly so good. His enzymes and billyrubin were even worse than they had been a month before. If he were someone's pet, the next step would be to do an ultrasound of the liver, maybe try more meds and a supplement, depending on what the ultrasound showed, but he's not someone's pet any more. Now he is a shelter cat. And a shelter cat who has a hard time being handled by strangers. And no matter what he has, the prognosis long term isn't good. And he could go into an emergency state at any time, with little warning. He could have cancer. And so, this cat that I love so much, this cat who prefers me to all other people (he really does), this cat who I had such high hopes for... now he is going to be put to sleep, euthanized, humanely put to death... destroyed. And it kills me. He kills me every time I walk into the room and he cries to be picked up. Every time I pick him up and he purrs and rubs my face, and drools a little, he kills me. If I didn't love him so much, then I know I wouldn't be doing my job very well, but in the mean time I have to go around like my heart isn't in shambles and like I don't come home and cry every night. And I have to know that time will heal every thing, as well as time will put me in a similar situation again some day down the road.

Dun dun dun dun..... I'm Back in Action

Ok, I have been gone for like, Ever, but here I am, back again, and just as comma happy as ever aparently. I killed my computer like 2 yrs ago... and I just about 2 days ago set up a newer, working computer and got back on line. It's amazing how quiet it is without a computer... it doesn't make a lot of actual noise, but it filled my head with noise, thoughts, etc. So anyway, here we are.

Ode to Miss Moh'gan

Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you are so silly
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, how you hate Billy (gilman that is)
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you like to play wormy
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, your puppy is squirmy
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you bottle feed Uno
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, there's no rhyme to Uno
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you had some teeth pulled
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, on the drugs you'll be fooled (I know that doesn't rhyme but thats ok)
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you know your fate
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you are so great!

Ok, that is a poem for Morgan, who is a coworker and of course, center of the universe.

People see sadness in your eyes. You seem to be
hurt deeply. You may be unhappy because you are
alone or feel like no one cares about you. Or
it may be because something very awful has
happened to you. Whatever the cause, you go
through each day just waiting for night to come
with sweet relief in the form of your dreams.
But you may have even lost hope in your dreams.
Chin up. Things should get better for you and
there is always at least one person who cares
about you. Have hope.


Oh yeah, btw, hi Morgan. Do you feel better now that I mentioned you?

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed...

Ok, wait, maybe that only applies to energy/electricity, but I think it's matter too right? It takes matter to create new matter, hence ashes to ashes, dust to dust. For instance, when we are kids, say we eat an orange. Our body takes that orange, and turns some of it into energy for moving around, and turns some of it into muscle and fat and bone etc., and then gets rid of whatever parts of the orange it couldn't use. So you might have gotten bigger, butthe orange doesn't exist any more. But... what about people who are over weight. Say someone is 100 lbs over weight. Now they ate enough food to get that way. But then they go on a diet. Now they lose the weight. So they drop 100 lbs. Does that make the planet 100 lbs lighter? Or did that matter go somewhere else? If you burn the calories, then they no longer exist in your fat cells. But people who are losing weight don't go to the bathroom more or anything like that, so the matter goes where? It gets burnt up. So, if everyone became overwieght, or if there were too many people... would that affect the earths orbit. Theoretically speaking of course. And then, if we suddenly had world wide food shortage because of plant disease... people would all lose wieght... would that affect it too? And wait, if we all come from dust... then is there significantly less dust to go around than there was 80 million years ago? Or do we keep refilling our dust supply with star/universe/galactic dust that falls on the earth every night? And if so... is that where all the original dust came from? Because, that means we are all made of space dust... which, when viewed like that, means we are not of this earth, meaning we are all... dun dun dun... Aliens. :-)

Times, they are a changin'

Strange, suddenly, things are a bit different. My appartment is clean. Well, pretty clean anyway. I need to organize the book shelves and closet because it looks my closet threwup into the rest of the room, but still, its a huge improvement. I finished "cleaning" on Sunday, and have swept the floors and done the dishes every night since. I know that to most people that seems like no big deal, however, for me, its huge. I also re-joined Curves last night. I did my first work out, had a good dinner after wards. Today its an apple for breakfast, a sandwhich for lunch. Carrots and yogurt incase I'm still hungry. That's right, I even packed a lunch that I didn't buy at the gas station down the street! I don't know what has led to this change really, I kind of had been sort of considering some things, but kept putting it off, because its easiest to do it "tomorrow". Then all of a sudden, without thinking, I just went ahead and did it. It's strange, I seem to be doing a lot more things like that now. Have an idea and think about it for a while, never actually acting on it, and then suddenly one day, putting it out of my mind, then closing my eyes and jumping. Strange. It's been good so far I guess, but it does have some scary and dangerous possibilities if I get into a funk. I also am bringing home a cockatiel tonight. He came into the shelter today. His name is Freddy. Yes, thats the name of my cat too, well Freddie is. But the bird and the cat were both already named before I ever met them so it's not my fault. I may end up re-naming the bird. I don't know yet, we'll see how it goes. BTW, to that person who made a comment back in February, thanks for the kind words. I work at a private animal shelter. We are run by a board of directors, not the government, and subsist on donations and grants. We take in mainly cats and dogs that are surrendered by their owners, although, sometimes will pull from other shelters, or take in "stray" animals that someone has been caring for for a while. Generally the animal control groups will not handle these animals.