I broked the phone. :*(. I went to make some calls to see if I can find pony and hay rides for a fundraiser, and my phone isn't working. It was all wet, I think some rain came in the window. It might be ok once it dries out, but then again it might not be. Maybe I shouldn't leave the phone in the window any more. lol. And the board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to have some more information for them by then. Oiy, theres a wrench in the works again it seems. LOL, isn't there always?

EEEEEEKKKKKK! I bounced some checks! I don't know which ones or how many but I know I checked my balance at the atm and it was -$165!!!!! I nearly had a heartattack in the middle of walmart. Oiiiyyyyyy, I can't believe I did that. I have to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit my paychecks. I have a month of back paychekcs that I have not deposited yet, simply because I have not gone to the bank. Ugh, how could I be so stupid!!!

Saving the World

I used to empathize all the time. With everyone, everything. I used to want to protect everyone from feeling any pain at all, to take it all on myself. I was quite a glutton for emotional punishment. It nearly killed me. Now, I avoid emotional pain as much as possible. I stopped trying to save the world, stopped listening to everyone else's problems, stopped letting any of it in. If something would begin to hurt, if Iwould begin to feel, I would just block it off. Get out of the situation, distract myself. I want to have the motivation to help again. I want to be inspired by other people's pain enough to try to help. I mean, I know people who's lives seem to be falling apart. One of the girl's at work almost had her dog pts for biting, another girl broke up with her b/f, moved back to her mom's house, and then the mother of one of her good friends was murdered. Something was going on mentally with my upstairs neighbor, poor Bill checked himself into rehab the other day. The landladies says that it looks like he was possibly getting ready to do something drastic by the way his apartment was. I wanted to tell them to tell him that he can come talk to me whenever he wants to. I mean, he can, but I thought that would be a bit odd. I wish I could have helped him though, helped the two girls at work, help everyone who feels pain. I want the motivation to really feel bad for the animals at the shelter, to be frustrated to doing something by the fact that they get worse with us, instead of better. I want to want to save the world, and I want to be able to live with that want. To not have it, and the knowledge of the fact that I can't save the world push me over the edge. To find the balance between being empathetic/motivated/inspired, and being exhausted, hopeless, and suicidal due to the daunting task of it. I guess thats why I am finally going on vacation. To be able to stop, take a breath, and say, "ok, I can do this, here we go".