I gotta get out of this place...... if its the last thing I ever do...

Woooooohooooooooooo! SCORE!!! I got the apartment, and I told my aunt, and I move in on February 1st!!!

There's an an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in...

I'm never gonna be one of those skinny minnie itty bitty tiny iny women. Never. I could probably nearly starve myself to death, and work out 10 times a week to boot, and still not fit in a size 6. I don't think there is a size 6 in my entire extended or immediate family. I had finally reached a decent balance of food and excersice, and then somehow thouight I should to some crash ultra low carb diet. Yeah that was great. I turned into a raging godzilla bitch whenever anything would be slightly annoying. But hell it took weight off pretty damn fast. Then the 6 wk group ended, and I thought I could relaz and eat normally for a few days. Oops. Lol. Yeah so I live in this world of delusion where that might have been possible for me. Then reality came crashing through and I couldn't do it right. Not the way I dwas supposed too. 6 wks of making people crazy and doing good all down the tubes. Oh well. Now I try to find that balance that I had before. And its hard to find that balance again now that I have messed it up. I will always have issues with food. I am just too messed up not to I think. *shrugs* What else can I do besides go to a shrink, which I have considered. Lol. I just don't think I can afford it.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because
they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown
The above was on someones profile on msn.... I like it, because its very true.

I went and saw the apartment tonight. Its small, as was expected, but nice. The people are nice, and love animals. They have a horse, a llama, a cow, 4 potbellied pigs, a st.bernard, and 17 cats. Wowzers. I am so nervouse. I think I made a fairly good impression, and the vfact that I work for a no kill shelter floats high in their book. But, I am only 21 and I have no previous landlords. So thats sort of negative. She said she will probably have made a decision by Friday. I still haven't told my aunt. The place is furnished already, so I would have to leave my furniture here. Most of the time this would be pretty ideal, however, unlike most first time renters, the furniture that I have really is mine. Lol not my moms. With the exception of the headboard/bookcase. The lamps, bed, bureau, dresser, bakers rack, book shelf, plant stand and plants are mine. Oh well. I will cross that bridge if I come to it I guess. I also sort of didn't have the nerve to ask if my rabbit was allowed. I mean, theoretically there shouldn't be a problem. 1 its on a farm 2. they already allow the cat, and t3. she specified no dogs, she didn't specify no other pets besides the one cat. But it feels kind of sneaky and dishonest. Ugh OI think I am getting an ulcer, and ciatica to boot. Lol

I forgot...... what it was I felt necessary to say... My little cousin is making me angry, I am trying to ignore it, because what he is doing isn't affecting me at all. I feel this anger just welling up inside me though, and I want so badly to turn and yell at him, however I know that would have no positive effect on him, and he would just smirk. Its like a dog, don't react when they are doing attention getting behaviors and they will eventually stop the behavior. The difference is the dogs don't usually send me into a rage. I struggle for control, knowing its the only way I will win. Just take a deep breath and focus my anger into something slightly more productive. Its nice to know I can feel anger again. Lol. Ah I feel better now. Atleast slightly. For a while I just didn't get angry about things. I was too numb, too sad, too tired, and too depressed. I had worked so long at ignoring everything that caused me to feel angry, that I had finally managed to automatically supress all angry feelings subconciously, before I even realized that I had felt anger. Instead I automatically just converted the feelings into some of the other feelings that were already present in such a large amount.

I tried two or three times to write about how I felt about it being 4 month date after my dog was destroyed... oh that word hurts to use... and I keep getting interrupted... the train of thought and pain stop... heh and there right on cue is an interruption. I guess thats a good sign that things are now able to distract me from it.

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. ---Sarah Bernhardt (1844-1923)
I saw that on someone's profile in an msn chat room. I like it, i think.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Recent completion of one or more long-term goals may cause you to pause today and consider what you're going to aim for next. Don't be afraid to be more ambitious than before, dear Libra, because you've acquired an inner power that gives you more confidence and a stronger belief in yourself. It is belief in our own self-worth that confers the faith to move mountains. Don't be surprised if over the next few months, you find yourself moving a few!

Hmmmm... nice.

I have been looking off and on for an apartment for over a year now. Last week I picked up a paper, and saw this pretty cheap furnished studio apartment with off street parking, 15 min. to URI (which is literally only 3 miles from work), on a small farm, heat and hotwater included for $525/month. It didn't say anything about pets, just said non smokers prefered. Nice huh? Well, I am a procrastinator, and and scared to boot, so o,f course, I waited until yesterday to call. Every other place that seems decent that I have called in the last year has either been already rented out, or they don't allow cats, even though it doesn't say that in the add. So I call this add, totally expecting the same thing. First she tells me its not rentec yet, and then tells me a little more about it. Its in a decent enough neighborhood, located about 15 mins from where I live now, there is no scary driving to get there (which is the main reason I haven't called any that are in Providence). So as I am listening, I am totally going back and forth on wether I should even ask about pets. Everyone keeps telling me not to mention it until after I meet the people, that way they can get a better sense of how responsible I am, and its always harder to turn down someone face to face. And it wouldn't be completely wrong to move in wth the cat and never ask if its ok as long as I never sign anything that says no pets, and don't come to a verbal agreement that pets aren't allowed. Althouhg thats sort of risky with a cat, as they could totally tell me to get out or get rid of the cat once they find out. So I ask if they allow cats...


And they DO!!!! I immediatly told the woman that I work at an animal shelter and that he is a well behaved adult cat and he is extra well taken care of and everything. Lol, I mean she said yes, so I didn't really need to try and tell her how good he was and such, but I didn't want her to reconsider or have any concerns. Lol. So I go see this place on Weds at 5-5:30. I'm so excited.

Woooooooooooooo
hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! or as Jen says Woot! LOL