Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Tonight we have another meeting with the town zoning board to see if we will be able to get the variance we requested at work. Heres hoping. We definately need a new building, and its going to be a real pisser if we are denied the variance and have to start again after finding somewhere else to try and build.
I miss my dog. My life right now would be a hell of a lot more difficult if I had him, but I wonder if the difficulty would be balanced out. When I first got my cat, he was very difficult also. I was getting up a half hour early every morning for school so that I could make sure I had enough time to take care of him. At that point my morning routine usually consisted of dragging myself out of bed, putting on clothing (if i hadn't slept in clothes I could wear to school) and then brushing my teeth and leaving. It usually only took me about 5 minutes to get out the door. Lol. So it was a big change.
Granted, the dog would be a heck of a lot more work than the cat was. I'd have to walk him atleast once a day (would be great for my waistline lol), feed him twice a day, make time for training daily, make sure he wasn't eating the cats, rabbit, guinea pig, my aunt, my cousin(s), or visitors. I would always have to be the one to care for him because there was a chance he might bite someone else if I couldn't get to it. I would not feel safe ever leaving him home with my family. They just didn't understand his limitions, and didn't have the bond with him that I did to be pretty sure that they wouldn't receive an actual bite if they did cross his threshold. I know I made the right choice for my family, and for my future, and for my cat, but I still feel it was very selfish of me to not choose him. Because I could have chosen him instead. I had pretty much come to terms with it when I first realized that I wouldn't be able to save him, however, then people kept finding ways that would have made it possible for me to keep him... and I chose to have him killed instead. Ouch. It is a choice that lays heavy on my heart even now, two months later. I try desperatly not to regret my choice, but I wonder, if I had to do it all over again, with the same dog, and the same choice, would I? The last two months haven't been as hard as I was afraid they would be. I thought for sure I would be so down and in the pits, and quite frankly on my way out. I spent the eniter summer afraid of how I was going to feel afterwards. And now there is nothing. Nothing like waiting for the blow that doesn't come. I'm so confused. I want to dwell on it, feel the hurt so vividly, and yet I want to be oh so stoic, and not feel it at all, and be happy and content... maybe its time for some prozac. Lol. Oh well, for now I keep on plugging.
I miss my dog. My life right now would be a hell of a lot more difficult if I had him, but I wonder if the difficulty would be balanced out. When I first got my cat, he was very difficult also. I was getting up a half hour early every morning for school so that I could make sure I had enough time to take care of him. At that point my morning routine usually consisted of dragging myself out of bed, putting on clothing (if i hadn't slept in clothes I could wear to school) and then brushing my teeth and leaving. It usually only took me about 5 minutes to get out the door. Lol. So it was a big change.
Granted, the dog would be a heck of a lot more work than the cat was. I'd have to walk him atleast once a day (would be great for my waistline lol), feed him twice a day, make time for training daily, make sure he wasn't eating the cats, rabbit, guinea pig, my aunt, my cousin(s), or visitors. I would always have to be the one to care for him because there was a chance he might bite someone else if I couldn't get to it. I would not feel safe ever leaving him home with my family. They just didn't understand his limitions, and didn't have the bond with him that I did to be pretty sure that they wouldn't receive an actual bite if they did cross his threshold. I know I made the right choice for my family, and for my future, and for my cat, but I still feel it was very selfish of me to not choose him. Because I could have chosen him instead. I had pretty much come to terms with it when I first realized that I wouldn't be able to save him, however, then people kept finding ways that would have made it possible for me to keep him... and I chose to have him killed instead. Ouch. It is a choice that lays heavy on my heart even now, two months later. I try desperatly not to regret my choice, but I wonder, if I had to do it all over again, with the same dog, and the same choice, would I? The last two months haven't been as hard as I was afraid they would be. I thought for sure I would be so down and in the pits, and quite frankly on my way out. I spent the eniter summer afraid of how I was going to feel afterwards. And now there is nothing. Nothing like waiting for the blow that doesn't come. I'm so confused. I want to dwell on it, feel the hurt so vividly, and yet I want to be oh so stoic, and not feel it at all, and be happy and content... maybe its time for some prozac. Lol. Oh well, for now I keep on plugging.
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Blah, I am so tired. I want someone to drive me around, so that I may sleep in the backseat of the car. I was always one to fall asleep in the car, and now, on my way home, I always want a nap. Problem being that I am the one driving of course. When I get home though, and get out of the car, its not the same, and I am no longer ready for a nap. I think its time to hire me a personal driver. Lol, only for naps of course. I don't know.. I just know I am tired, and ready to stop being so tired.
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