Its not that bad... or is it?

Ugh, I don't want to get out of bed any more. I'm tired of making these entries. These... blah life is horrid entries... All things considered, my life is not "that bad", so whats wrong with me? I have a good cat, and I have my own apartment, and a decent job, and a car and plenty of food and heat... so whats the deal? Whats my damage?I'm like a trainwreck, and theres nothing left to salvage. Lifes not that bad, and I feel bad for being so blah and depressed when I see people who have so much less doing so much better. When I hear of things and go.. wow, if I were that person, I would have killed myself already. A coworker got pregnant, and her boyfriend didn't want the baby, and thats what I thought. I would have killed myself, rather than continue. I am starting to use that thought as a comfort again. Not like I was, not like death is imminent, but, like, its ok, because when things get real bad, then I will do it. And to maintain this low low level of sanity, or this low level of insanity, I choose not to feel about 95% of the time. Not to be compassionate, not to sympathize, not to delve into the deeper emotions, or feel anything than what I absolutely must to get by. If I dare allow myself to feel more... the suicidal tendencies will increase triple fold. So, I just keep plugging. Because thats all I am able to do. I can't manage to do more than just get by for some reason. Arg, There is no way out and the walls are closing in, whats a girl to do?

Merry Christmas, with a touch of Bah Humbug.

First of all, we will start with the Bah Humbug. On Jamestown, we lived across from this older couple that my grandfather had been friends with. The man committed suicide on Tuesday. He managed to convince his wife to leave the house without him, and then called the police station and told them their was a body in the front yard, and to please come and remove it before his wife got home. Then he hung up, went outside, and shot himself. His wife, now his widow, has spent her first Christmas in decades without him, only 2 days later, making funeral arrangements. Poor Woman.

Last night, I saw two people I went to school with. Both people were pretty cool when we went to school. Liked to cause a little bit of trouble, but nothing huge, dabbled in drugs and alcohol... but generally nice people. Last night, it was quite a difference. Both are completely strung out.

Ok, I was going to go on to talk about Christmas and such, but, now it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, so for now, we will only go with the Bah Humbug part.

One day its a habit, the next, a mere memory

After Cubby was euthanized, I wrote about him pretty often. As time went on, I wrote about him a little less, but took the 16th of every month to think about him. To write about him. Granted, sometimes I was late in my posting, but I always remember... hey another month has gone by. Then, it was a year. And all fo a sudden, that monthly habit was gone. It wasn't exactly intentional, and I still think about him often, and talk about him when I get the chance to bring him up in conversation. I have dreams about him on occassion. But, I know long have a feeling because its the 16th of the month. The week of, I'm not going, oh yeah, the 16th is on *****day... or, Oh man, the 16th was the other day. I didn't even realize it until tonight. I was chatting with some friends in a chat room, and one of them asked me about the dog in the picture. And so I told him a little about what happened. And as I was typing away to this friend who is yet also still a stranger, I realized that I was no longer taking the 16th as a day of mourning. I am saddened by this turn of events.
I have a few things that I saw on an e-mail at work today. Very relevant.

Have a heart that never hardens
A temper that never tires
And a touch that never hurts.
Charles Dickens

In loving memory of Cubby and Rocky
and all my beloved furbabies
that have gone on before me.
Dear God if they are not in Heaven
as I know it, may I go where they are.....

"Sadness flies away on the wings of time"
Jean de La Fountaine
That last one is sooooooooo true. Time heals all wounds, even if we don't want it to.

Happy Holidays, or Bah Humbug?

I don't know why, this year it just doesn't feel very christmasy. I mean, I'v been Christmas shopping and everything, listened to Christmas music on the radio... I'm just amazed that its coming up so fast, a week away. It doesn't feel like it this year. Maybe this is how Christmas feels when you live alone? I have a little mini tree, about a foot tall, with two ornaments on it. Thats my only decoration in my apartment. At work, we wanted to have little stockings for everyone, and just have everyone put something little in them. Somehow, even that has not gotten rolling yet. We've even had snow and everything this year so far... something just seems to be missing.
On another note,
Yesterday at work, this cute little chow mix, Butch, was adopted. I gave the person adopting him as much information as I could. When they left, I worried, and hoped that Butch would be alright, and live happily ever after. I was the only one at the shelter. After a few minutes of worrying, and finishing up the paperwork, I became sad... the sadness then snowballed quickly to me standing there sobbing. I just had a meltdown. Butch had been at our shelter since the middle of July. We got him from another shelter, where he had been atleast since last Christmas. Butch turned a year old in September, and had spent 3/4 of his life as we know in an animal shelter. Anyway, while he was at our shelter, for 5 months, I didn't spend an outrageous amount of time with him. I took him for one walk, taught him "leave it", but that was all the real special attention he got from me. He was/is a real sweety, very affectionate, loves to give kisses. But, we see a lot of dogs like that. Its been a long time since I'v cried when an animal gets adopted. Part of it was that I was trying to use him to replace Cubby. I was being careful not to spend extra time with him, not to give him preferential treatment to all the other dogs. It wasn't only his adoption that had me crying, I know that... It just suprised me. It made me wonder how much longer I can keep doing this for. I've been there for 6 yrs now. I don't know how people can do it for 20 years... how do you make yourself forget all of those animals? After 6 years, I've seen between 1400-2000 animals go through our shelter. I don't know, things just got to me last night, between the shelter and everything else. Oiy.

Only the lonely can play...

I miss people. Specific people. I miss animals, or.. maybe I just miss missing them. But I do really miss people. What we had, what we would have had, if I hadn't pulled away. I want back the people I have lost, and all the good that went with them. I have a lot of work to do before I will be able to stop forcing people out of my life.

Sleepless in New England

Its not yet 8am on a monday morning, my day off. I can't sleep. I shouldn't have gone to sleep early last night. I'v been awake for an hour now. I was tossing and turning waking up about every 15 minutes for 2 hours before that. Although I do that every morning lately. Lonely, I prefer the company of my dreams, the state of almost unconciousness that sleep allows. I had a dream a few days ago, as I occassionally do, of someone who fell out of my life a few years ago. I miss him a lot, as I usually do after these dreams. It makes me sad to realize that only coincidence will allow us to ever see each other again. I was laying here, hoping I would drift off into sleep again, and looked up, and freddie was sniffing the monitor. And he had the happy look on his face. I thought he would mark it with his cheek, but he didn't. I don't know if he only found himself on the monitor, or maybe he picked up the scent of some of the cats we used to live with. And it made me wonder if he ever misses them. Did he forget his family that he was raised with? And what about the other cats we lived with before we moved here? Does he ever wonder about them, want to see them again? If I come home and have been touching Buttons and Paprika, will he be sad that he didn't see them? He brings me such a high percentage of the happiness that I feel, I hope I make him happy.
I like to read. It gives me an escape. Lately however, I almost prefer not to do the work that reading is. I prefer much more brainless activities, such as tv, computer, and sleep. I'm half way through a good book, and yet, I sit here and wish there was something good on tv, good people in a chat room, or that I could be asleep. Meanwhile, I certainly have plenty of stuff that needs to be done... I just can't seem to get up and do them yet. Life becomes so difficult when theres no motivation to do anything. Breathing itself becomes difficult at times.

"Its the end of the world as we know it..." or "Why can't we all just get along?"

I sit here, waiting out the snow storm, trying to entertain myself, rolling my change and half listening to the news. Another attack in Iraq, a suicide bombing in another country, a fatal shooting in Providence, serial killings along rt. 214, people dying of AIDS and cancer and the flu. Pedestrians getting fatialy hit by motorists while trying to cross the street. Dissention among the ranks. Is the world coming to an end? People dying all over the place, from all sorts of reasons. The majority of the reasons on the news are unneccessary. People killing people, every where. And for what? Because of religion, money, you looked at me the wrong way, so on and so forth. I wonder how its possible that the human population keeps going up on earth when there is so much death and destruction all over the world. I know the world is not really ending. But it really feels like it is most of the time. If you listen to the news. I wonder how it is that the newscasters don't get burnt out. So much bad news to report, very rarely does good news make it. And does the good news ever out weigh the bad news? No, not that I can remember. We have a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on AIDS, a war on crime,... we like to solve problems with war it seems. So maybe that shouldn't be the word "or" up there... maybe it should be "and". "Its the end of the world as we know it..." AND " Why can't we all just get along?" Yeah, I think I like and better. Because its both, not one or the other. If we all got a long, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If we all had a little more tolerance for each other, and people weren't so ... I'v lost the word. The idea is there, I just can't put a name on it. If people weren't so... able/willing to make mistakes? Sort of what I'm going for but not really. I think there is a word for what I'm looking for, but I am no longer sure. Nothing is good enough, and everything is too good to be true. OIy.

World AIDS Day, 2003

I think yesterday was World AIDS day.. a day devoted to spreading awareness about HIV and AIDS. On the news this morning they said something like there are 100,000-200,000 people in the USA that are infected with HIV/AIDS and do NOT KNOW IT! So this is just me giving a shout out to all those people out there who do have it, who don't have it, who will get it, and who will prevent it. HIV/AIDS is 100% preventable... its sad to realize that it has become such an epidemic. So remember, people with HIV/AIDS are people too, and use common sense, use protection, get tested, and BE SAFE!

A chore or not?

When simply sitting up in the morning is a chore, how is a person also supposed to get up and brush their teeth?
When simply opening your eyes is a chore, how is a person supposed to put on clean clothes?
When simply opening your mouth to talk to a friend is a chore, how is someone supposed to do the dishes?

Its hard to become conscious in the morning, or any time for that matter, and even harder to maintain that state of being. Its not a case of not getting enough sleep, or being over tired or anything, its simply hard to BE at this point. So how am I supposed to hang out with friends, do the dishes, clean my car, do the laundry? How am I supposed to function like a normal human being, when all I want is to be asleep? Not even asleep, simply unaware instead. What then?

Lonely... whyyyyyy am IIIIII so lonely...

I want...... to fall completely and totally head over heals in love, and have it reciprocated.
I want...... to actually feel a pair of arms wrap around me, and no longer have to imagine them.
I want...... to not have it be a chore to be with friends, for it to be a natural thing, the way its supposed to be.
I want...... to be able to listen to music or read poetry without having to stop because my stomach starts to flip, and my heart hurts
I want..... to not wind up the scary old cat lady.
I want..... to be able to maintain a normal level of cleanliness without it being a big ordeal.
I want..... to live happily ever after, or to just not live any more at all.

Just a few things to think on.

I am reading this book by Frank McCourt (I think, I can't seem to locate the book at this second) Woohoo, I found the book and I was right. Anyway, so I'm reading this book, and its called " 'Tis" It's pretty good. So I was reading, and came across a quote that Frank heard when he was younger, and it was really quite something.
"...the only person in the world who makes any sense is Albert Camus who says your most important act every day is deciding not to commit suicide."
That one kind of made me go.. hmmmm...
And one more little thing. I was online earlier, and on msn messenger, you can change how your name appears on a daily basis, and it still comes up on your friends buddylist, because it is done by email, rather than by name persay. And today, I had one name pop up as "I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke off" Thats another thing that makes me go "hmmmmm..."
Ok, thats it for now. I just had to get it down so I could stop obsessing about it.

Come on, you can DO it!!!

I've been thinking. Primarily about last year. How were things different last fall. Last fall, despite how hard things got at work, I didn't face burn out. I didn't get pissy. I had a sense of humor about things at work. I had my bad days, but, over all, all things considered, I felt ok. I felt better than I do now. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was the fact that I was active. I was working out 3x's a week, plus sometimes walking and such. And I think it made a real difference. I didn't notice the difference then quite as much as I notice it now. I'm thinking of going back to the gym. I liked the gym, I just stopped going. I was embarrassed with the fact that I had gone off the diet, began to gain weight over the holidays. I'm getting to the point now though, where I'm getting ready to swallow any pride and go back. I mean, I think I'm still paying for the membership, so why shouldn't I? Its still an idea I'm mulling over. But I think, maybe sometime in the next month or so, I may end up there again. I hope so.

Shameful secret or just who I am?

I had this dream last night that my mom knew about the depression. I know that she knows about depression, even has an inside look on it, because she herself is suffers from severe depression. But I don't think she knows about the issues I have with it. She knows that at one point my aunt was rather concerned, but I don't think any of them know how true the name ssmilingsuicide is. errr.. was. Or atleast, I meant to type was. A real mistake, or a freudian slip? I'm honestly not really sure. I know that I really thought I was going to type "Was". Anyway, enough on that. So, in this dream, she really knew, and being a mom, decided to force me out of it. She made me go to some night class for becoming a physical therapist or something. And there I was, interacting with people like a normal human. And the depression was a shameful little secret. Which I guess it is. Although I don't do a very good job at hiding it when I type it up in here and broadcast it across the internet. Although, as "public" as this is, theres a line between the people who see this, and the people who see me in real life. And I know there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for having depression, but, I feel like, I feel like I don't need anything else that will seperate me even more. I don't want anyone to know whats wrong with me. At the same time, I just want people to understand. Not that it will help. But it was strange, feeling relatively normal again... in my dream. I don't remember when the unhappiness started initially. I remember being 11 and being terrified of being 12... because I was getting old so fast. I remember laying awake at night in 3rd grade, crying over WWII and the Jews in the concentration camps. I remember at that point in my life, already trying to hide the sadness, especially from my family. They didn't need to know. They didn't need the extra burden. They couldn't/wouldnt' make it better anyway. I am just amazed at how messed up I am. It floors me to think about it.

The best or was that the worst?

In a moment of down and outness (completely uncommon for me, I know) (I was being sarcastic there) I was saying some self depreciating things, kind of in a joking tone. Even though It was said in a joking sort of way, the person I was chatting with picked up on it. And then he told me something which, at that point, made me cry, but also kind of made me think. He said "you are the best person in your life", I replied with "lol, then I am in a heck of a lot of trouble". In the coming days however, its kind of made me think about a couple things. My first thoughts where how messed up I am. How I'm depressive and not even sure I want to be happy, especially not if I have to work at it. How can I be the best person if I am so messed up? It made me think, "oh great, then who am I supposed to look up to?" If I'm the best person in my life, that means everyone else in my life is really messed up. Then I began to think about the other people in my life, the other people that don't want to be in my life any more than they absolutely have to be. My mom, who really is atleast as messed up as I am, if not more so. I mean, she was/is a leading cause in my "messed up factor". My brother is so far a fairly normal kid, despite the fact he is twice as big as every other 13 yr old and has a severe heart condition. But, he's also only 13. And I can see the patterns starting in him. I hope the depression and self doubt and self hatred won't be nearly as bad in him as it is in both me and my mother. But with me and my mother as the two main adults in his life, there's not really anyone to show him what its like to be normal. Theres my boss at work, who is an unwed mother, and wants nothing to do with me outside of work, and there are the other people at work, who may or may not have things just as bad, but still have no other use for me, other than at work. There are a lot of people who ar eonly partially, in my life at the bare minimum. And don't want anything else out of me than what they can take and make use of. They just don't want the rest of it. I don't really blame them, and I tend to eventually turn away from, or drive away anyone who may want the rest of it. So am I the best person in my life? Maybe I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. I am both my own best friend, and at the same time, my own worst enemy. I wish I could be one or the other, instead of both all the time. It seems to make life harder and more confusing than it really needs to be.

Is all really fair in love and war?

Blah. Is it fair to allow someone to become your friend if you are depressive? Everyone has had one of those "dooms day" friends. You know, the one that is always sad about something, no matter how good things are going, and they always think its the end of the world. Being a friend, you support their "sharing" at first... but then it really begins to get on your nerves, and you want to just yell at the person and tell them to get over it. Most of the time, people tend to drift away from the doomsday person after a while, because it can be depressing just to be around them.
I don't want to be that dooms day person. So, I try to avoid talking about anything that bothers me with people who might be my friends. Which then leads them to think that I don't trust them. But, I don't want to tell them whats going on, and then I'd get into the habit of talking to them about it everytime... and then they would feel depressed nearly every time they talk to me.. and that would chase them off. So instead, I don't talk to them about it. Is it fair for me even to try and make friends with anyone if I am sad? I mean, it might rub off on them, if I get really into a funk, then they will feel sad, and if I go over the edge.. then they have to deal with everything that goes with that. I know this really makes me sound completely crazy (then again, I dont hear anyone arguing with that fact even when I'm not really going over the top), but, I wish I could just painlessly cut all my ties. With everyone. Without putting anyone out. Without making anyone sad. Without anyone going.. "Oh where did she go?", or "How did I get so out of touch", or anything like that. If I have no connections on earth, then I don't have to pretend to be ok. I don't have to worry about what will happen to so & so if I go over the edge... "blow out my candle" as I saw it once in a book. I realize its definatly a step down on the spiral to be having these thoughts.. especially regularly. I didn't think I'd get these thoughts back. It was all such a comfort a little over a year ago... now I'm back to fighting it a bit... I don't know what to do. Go get help is the logical answer, but thats not possible. Its just not going to happen. Theres nothing to be so down about...life is just the same as ever... Theres just nothing to look forward to any more.

"Time's just a train, rolling down the track, every minute is a boxcar you don't get back..."

"...take a look around you.. It's all gonna change.. Whatever you see its never gonna stay the same..."

I was digging through some stuff, looking for my passport and some paper to write on.. and I came across old letters I had saved. Most of them from a long lost best friend. The person I went to Oregon to see this past summer. It had been so long since we had talked or written.. we were complete strangers to each other. She was still definatly herself. But me? Was I me? I know I was the me that I am, but did I at all resemble the me that I was? Its so strange to think of how time changes everything. What time can do to our dreams, to our friendships, to what we believe. Time changes everything, even what we expect and what we think might make us happy. What might make life livable. I feel like I still have so much to figure out, so much to change, but at the same time, I can't beleive that I may have to live another 50 years like this. Minute by minute, day by day, year by year... time just slips away... and as much as everything changes.. what if nothing gets better? Then what? When do I get to throw in the towel and call it quits? Why did I allow myself to turn into this, and why can't I get myself out of it now? What am I gonna do with 50 years of boxcars still to watch slip away... all alone, with nothing and no one to fill in the void?

Eeewwwwwwwwww and YUCK!!!

Ok, so I have this ... thing on my side. It's a skin tag I guess... only, its big. Like....probably an inch circumfrence. Most skin tags are only like... a millimeter high. Anyway, its in a wierd spot, and sometimes gets all twisted up and stuff. If it gets twisted around enough times, it looses circulation... and then turns all scary shades of purple and black. When it gets untwisted, and regains circulation, it regains its normally fleshy color, turns a little red, and then swells up and sticks out straight. (If I were a skinny minny, people would probably notice it through my clothes) Anyway, the thing doesn't really have a lot of feeling. I mean, I really have to squeeze it hard or dig my fingernails into it to feel anything. So being slightly obsessive, and a little concerned about this thing on my side, last night, I was poking at it with a cutical scissor. (This is where I get crazy and stupid to boot) So I'm wondering if I could cut it off. It looks kind of like a raisin, although a bit larger. and its attatched by this little bridge of skin. Its Weird. It looks kind of like this.. : ( )-o the big thing is me, the dash is the skin bridge, and the o is the thing. Anyway, the bridge part - has a lot of of sensation, more feeling than the rest of it. So I was thinking that I would try and cut the thing a little, and I would simply stop as soon as I could feel it. (Maybe the cutical scissors were really sharp). Anyway, So I start pressing into just a little bit of the top with the scissors. and next thing I know, I'v made a little cut.. and no feeling... so I just keep going! Then there's this little peice that I'v cut off!!! EEEEeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww So I'm squishing the little peice I cut off, and a little blood come out. So I look down at the thing on my side, and now its bleeding. OOPs. LOL It felt a little uncomfortable, but it still didn't really hurt. Ahhhhh this thing is scary, and I should probably have it looked at. Oh well, Just don't have the cash at this point to go to the DR. unless it gets really scary, like growing or gets infected or something.

Summery and bubbly? HA!

You are -
Cute sandals!
Summery and bubbly... but with large amounts of
sand between your toes!


Which Eddie Izzard shoes are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

His life must have been pretty bad if he wanted to blow up the school and stuff ... DUH!!!

On the news was a story about a boy who was recently possibly plotting to blow up the school. He had homemade napalm, a corpse list, photo's and lay outs of the school, and places where possible bombs could go. He was arrested before he did anything. They interviewed a girl that went to school with him. She was one of the "normal" people. She said that the boy was very strange, always dressed oddly, and was antisocial, but that they never thought he'd do anything violent. Then she goes on to say that his life must be pretty bad for him to want to blow up the school and hurt people. LIKE NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! The poor boy has probably been feeling like the world is ending and he has to stop the pain. That girl doesn't have a clue of what that poor guy probably feels. Having been an oddity that had no friends and was insanely lonely... I quite frankly don't really blame the boy for wanting to blow up the "normal" people. Even if they haven't done anything horridly out of the ordinary to him, that doesn't make the fact that they neglect to include him or think that they are better then him any less hurtful. I'm not saying that its right for him to blow people up mind you. I'm just saying, that clearly, something needs to be done. Now that these people who are in this much pain have fairly easy access to such weapons of destruction, if we don't want any more Columbines, then people need to pay attention. We need to make sure that people do not feel that alienated. Oiy, when will the world get it?

"I can't feel... the way I did before... Don't turn your back on me..."

Theres this chow mix at work. He reminds me soo much of Cubby. I know he is himself, and not Cubby, but, my heart goes out to him. He is definatly a chow mix, and he knows it, unfortunatly. If he wasn't so chowish in temperment, then he would probably have been adopted already. He's been at the shelter since July. I keep having.. flashforwards I guess. Not exactly a flash back of Cubby, but I can see the same thing happening with Butch. Or, it being the same basic story. I'm so afraid to like him. So afraid to give him any extra TLC. He needs it, but I don't know that I want to put myself into that position again. I already have to a certain extent, working with him on the "leave it" command. I can't have a dog. I don't even have time for my cat or my rabbit or my turtle. So I definatly don't have time for a dog. Also, I'm not allowed to have a dog where I live, and my apartment is way to small, and my cat HATES dogs. I mean, Butch is great with cats, but my cat would try to kill him. I hope he gets adopted soon. The longer he is at the shelter, the more attached I will get. And sometimes, even after 6 years, I can't prevent it. Logic doesn't work, and for some reason I can't build up the walls around my heart to fend them off. For now I will have to limit my contact with him I guess. I just don't know what else I could do.

Whats in a Name?

I went to this fair while I was in Oregon. They had a church group that was handing out certificates that have your name, and what your name means. They just look up your name in the computer, and print out the paper. The people I was with all had theirs done, and the people with the computer were asking me. I told them they probably didn't have my name, especially not the way I spell it. Well, lo and behold, they had my name, even spelled correctly. Turns out that my name is really very very old. It means "a pearl". I wonder if my mom knows that my name meant something. I always thought we just didn't know how to spell, or liked our children to feel alienated, as we all spell names differently. I never really looked at as a tradition to spell names differently... it never crossed my name until just now. Maybe, just maybe, thats something that we have that we pass down.

Me, Myself, and I.. or someone else?

I am really attached to my cat. I am uncomfortable around other people. My cat offers something no person can offer. Complete and total unconditional love. Ok, so maybe if I started beating him, and then never fed him, he wouldn't love me, however, I'm not going to start doing that. What I mean is, I don't have to hide anything from him. I could have every nasty, bad habit around, and he will still greet me at the door. I could.. pick my nose, and fart and burp constantly, and do lots of other things that are something other than lady like, and he won't judge me, he won't care. I can come home crying every day for 2 years, and he will still love me. He won't get fed up with me. Won't give up and not be able to tolerate my sadness any more. I could way 500 lbs, or 100 lbs, and he will still love me. When I am around just Freddie, I don't have to hide anything, be anything that I am not. I don't have to put on a face, or a front. I don't have to censor myself, or pretend to have it all together. I don't have to be sad, or happy. I can be anything, anyway, me and myself , and I. In front of other people, we censor ourselves. We think about what we do before doing it. We make sure we are fairly polite, respectable. I don't have to do any of that for the cat. I can just BE.

Birthdays

My birthday was a few days ago. There was really no todo about it. I was feeling rather sad, as I do on most of my birthdays. A few years ago, I was at work on my birthday, and feeling much of the same. The manager asked me to go check the mail. I told her I had checked it on my way in that morning, but she told me she really needed me to go check it again, because she was waiting for something to come in. So I was like, fine, ok, no prob. I went and got Cubby (the mailbox is at the end of a very long drive way, so it was a short 5-10 minute walk with the dog), and checked the mail. Just as I thought, the mailbox was empty. So I sat down back at the shelter, out in the drive way, and spent a little time with the dog. Then Paula knocked on the window, and tells me I have a phone call. So I get up, and go inside. Reaching for the phone, i look around, and realize that everyone is wearing party hats and their is a cake on the desk. They threw me a mini suprise party. It was great. It totally made my day. Anyway, since then, that has been the the general rule of thumb for birthdays. Bring in a cake, and a present, and have a little celebration. Well, my birthday this year fell on a day where the most people are out. So, there was no celebration. Not even a happy birthday. No word from my family. No word from friends. Towards the end of the day, my cousin came into work and brought me a piece of cake. It was nice. But it was sad, because other than in a chat room, that was it. My mom called the next day. Anyway, the whole thing was rather dissappointing. On Tuesday, the manager looked at the calander and was like, "oh man, it was your birthday, we need to have a cake". Then that was the end of it. Well, Today, she brought in cupcakes and a present. It was a little late, but it was such a nice gesture. It really made my day. Made me feel much better about the whole thing. I'm still lonely, and need people in my life who really get it, but , maybe they care a little more than I usually think they do. I don't know. I just don't know, and don't think I will ever have it figured out. Maybe some day it will all fall into place, but I doubt it. No point in worrying about it at this point though. Another year to go before I have to worry about being forgotten on my birthday again. Now I just have to worry about ThanksGiving and Christmas.

Ideas Anyone??

Today must have been idea day. I was on a roll this morning. I think I had 3 or 4 ideas... although I can't currently remember what they are.

Reading that makes me feel like a total blond. LOL Anyway, I'm talking like... ideas of things that may make things easier or whatever.

Memories

Memories are strange. Sometimes we remember the most random details of our life. For instance, Living on BI, I remember:
Getting icecream with my mom at "The Icecream Place" (yes, thats the name of it) and wanting a sugar cone but getting a wafer cone.
Wanting Bubblegum Icecream.
Making my mom lick the icecream cone because I couldnt keep up with the dripping.
Offering her a taste of my icecream for a taste of hers.
Going into the restaurant and asking "can I get some cheeeeesseee luiseeee."
The taste of rice cakes with peanutbutter and honey on them.
The wooden honey stick in the drawer next to the sink.
The deeeep sink in the bathroom in the restaurant.
Learning to blow bubbles in my gum in the restaurant.
Singing Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, while hiding under the counter, sneaking sugar packets.
Spinning on the stools.
Kristina biting her tongue so hard I thought she was dying.
Jess eating a rock, then eating cat food.
Trying to sneak out of my friend's house in the middle of the night because her mom was babysitting me. She stationed her oldest son on the couch to catch me. I still got out.
The orange and white longhaired kitten that we kept in the bathroom. We had to give him away because we couldn't let him out, and we couldn't keep him inside.
Being terrified of Daddy cat.
My mom eating junior mints, until last year I thought she liked mint chocolate like I do because of that.. it turns out she sometimes like junior mints... but in general, does not like mint + chocolate.
Laying on the living room floor crying because I didn't know if my father was dead or alive.
Hating the color green because I left my paints outside under the picnic table, and the green got ruined in the rain.
Trying to dig a hole in the sand while I had a hangnail on my pinkey and how much it hurt.
A lot of crazy, stupid, insignificant little things. All from before I was 5 yrs old. People need to realize how much they affect even young children. Children are sponges. And everyone that they meet may have a major affect on them.

My kittens are doing ok. They started really eating out of a bowl today. Two of them ended up with their entire faces and the tops of their heads covered in formula mixed with wetfood. They put their faces in the bowl and come up coughing. It takes them a few tries to understand that they can not go snorkling in the food dish. But they are learning. They are also very slowly figuring out the litterbox thing. It will take a while with no mom to teach them, but they will get it.

Why Do We Dream if Our Thoughts Have No Meaning?

Ugh, My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me how lonely I am. The only person who it seems to have occured to is (Besides Joanne, Thanks JO!!!) is one person at work. Soooo... my plan is to get some alcohol, sit here, and drink myself into a stupor while crying to my cat. And if my family doesn't even call me, well then, I might have to "work" at both my jobs on Christmas. Which is basically like cutting off my nose to spite my face, or shooting myself in the foot, but ya know... they don't need me, so why should I need them. :*( Anyway, now I keep having these dreams about being the person left out, and everyone in the dreams are people that I used to go to school with. Dreams that make me want to cry, and then I wake up because I'm so lonely it hurts. Arg, I don't want to do this any more. There is no end in site for it. It just doesn't stop. I watched this movie, About a Boy the other night. It was great. went from Hugh Grant drinking himself into a stupor because he was bored on Christmas, to him having lots of friends and family around, and enjoying it. Too bad thats not in the stars for me. I wonder what makes me so messed up that I can't accept love from people who would be willing to give it to me, and makes almost everyone else dislike me. Ugh, sometimes I dread to think that I may have another 50 years like this.

How to know when its time to wash the dishes

You know its time to wash the dishes when:

You have been eating out for a week because there are no clean dishes left to eat on or cook in
You consider throwing out all of the dishes and buying new ones rather than washing them
You have algea growing in your pots that you left to "soak" to make them "easier to clean"
You buy antibactieral and scented dishsoap.. because its needed.
The smell from the sink rivals the smell from the bathroom on "Mexican night"
The dishes make the sllluuurrrpppp sound when you try to pry them apart.
You can't cook, because, besides the lack of clean dishes.. the dirty dishes over run the stove, and create a fire hazard.
You wonder if you should just move to a new home instead of cleaning the kitchen.
Your honestly afraid of finding some living creature in the sink or on the counter under or in one of the dishes.
Your hands smell like they are rotting after you finish washing the dishes.
You refuse to have anyone over, god forbid they should see your kitchen.
You want to wear a biohazard suit before entering the kitchen.
None of the dishes and can even consider being washed before they have soaked in HOT HOT HOT soapy water for 20 minutes.
And... When you can honestly no longer remember the last time you washed the dishes.

What a day... it was a case of the straw that almost broke the camel's back... just sort of one little thing after another... was not my day... ending in my car breaking down in the middle of the road at a stop light. And it wouldn't start again. Well, I manage to get home, get the farm fed (in the dark, and the cow was mooooing cus she was hungry), walk to the store to buy something for dinner, and then check my messages. I got a phone call from this guy, from some car company. I apparently entered at one point to win a Chevy Tahoe, and I am a finalist in the drawing. LOL The winner will be notified by telephone at some point. I don't remember enrolling in some contest, but cool beans just the same. LOL Woohoooooo.

Whats your soul worth?

Your soul is worth £46097. For your peace of mind, 15% of people have a purer soul than you. <----- thats what the quiz told me. http://www.wewantyoursoul.com is the link. Have fun. :-)

Which Family Guy Character are you? Take the Quiz!


I found this way to funny. ROFL... who'da thought I would be.... well... me.

OMG don't ever hit escape before you have something saved. D'oh!

I don't know if I am jumping the gun or not, but I ... I think maybe, after a year, I finally reached the final accepted stage of grieving. Acceptance. Yesterday was officially a year since Cubby was euthanized. And I look at his picture, and I think about him, and it feels....... different. Now... it feels more like all the others. Almost like, I don't know, like maybe its time to put the picture away. To not cry over him any more. I only had one spazzy moment yesterday, when the manager and I were talking about another chow mix thats currently at the shelter, and she said, "Maybe he just likes you". With Cubby, that was a very common phrase. Told to me, potential adopters, other staff members, everyone. "He only likes her, He's her dog". As soon she said that maybe Butch, the chowmix who is currently at the shelter, just liked me, I immediatly replied with "If anyone says that he is my dog, I will quit. I will walk out right now, and never return." I had warned everyone against saying that last winter, and the warning still stands. Wendy defended herself, saying that she hadn't said that, but I just said that I know, and that I was simply reminding her, that I really would leave and never look back if I heard that phrase. And then that was it. That was my only "Moment". And now, ... everything feels... different. Almost, jeepers I hate to say it... fake. Like, I'm only pretending. Like, He was just another dog. I got so used to the "mourning" stage, that this feels odd. I will adjust, and like I said, maybe I'm jumping the gun. Maybe I'm just to warn out to feel it today. But maybe, just maybe, ... I am/ have/ moving/moved on.

Ok, I just finished watching the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant. I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan or anything like that, but I was in the video store the other day, and saw it used for $7. I remember seeing the commercials for it and thinking it might be cute, and I have no life, so wanted a movie to watch. Anyway, I bought it, and I watched it tonight. It was soooooo cute. I really liked it. Yay! I just thought it was ... sort of the happy ever after but not overly completely 110% cheeseball kind of movie. So Yeah, I really liked it.

Insanity

Grave digger, when you dig my grave, please make it shallow, so I can feel the rain... I don't knowhow people get over the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... I can't even get over the loss of a dog that I had put to death, a dog who didn't belong to me, who I didn't belong to. Argh. I love my cat so much, but he doesn't fill that emptiness inside me. And I know that Cubby wouldn't fill that void either, but it's hard not to assume that the unconditional love of another animal won't solve it. Or another dish of icecream, or another online friend, or another job. Or a new apartment, a new bike. Too bad its impossible to purchase a new life. The 16th is tuesday. That will be a year since Cubby was euthanized. 1 year since I allowed him to die in my arms. I still miss him, miss burying my face in his fur. I do that to my cat, and as I'v said, I love my cat more than anything in the world, he is why I continue to breath, but... I feel really bad saying this... Is he enough? I want to do something drastic on the 16th, to let them all know I still grieve, that I did/am greiving at all. I have decided to wear a black shirt through out the month. On the 16th, I will wear all black. If I run out of black shirts, I will create a black arm band, and wear that. But thats not enough. Its not enough to have Cubby's picture as an emoticon on my msn messenger, to have his picture on my msn profile, to have his picture framed on top of my computer, and to have the picture of him in my lap as the desktop picture on the computer. I want to do something more. I want to take a vow of silence on the 16th, go on a hunger strike, hold a candle light vigil, and a protest. I want to tell someone off, let them know I am angry, and I hurt. I don't know what to do. How to honor him. The ultimate showing of grief would be to just finish it on that day. That would be a big "Fuck you" to all of them. You didn't want to be my family, you didn't deserve to be my family, you don't deserve to share in my grief, or to be able to help me. I am not worthy of your concern, but at the same time, you are not worthy of being allowed to worry. Not that I would actually do something like that. But how I would love to make a statement like that. That, however, would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face, something I try to avoid doing. Damn I hate being reasonable sometimes. I do just wish that I could loose it completely at some point. I just want to bash someones head in once.. just once... is that too much to ask? LOL of course it is. Damn, when did I get so crazy?

So today, for work, I had to take a few cats up to PetsMart for adoption. There was this cute guy their, from another animal shelter, doing the same thing, only in a different area of the store. Anyway, he came over to where I was set up, and we talked for a few minutes. Then he just sort of hung around for like 15-20 minutes. After a while, he had to go do something so he left. As he was getting ready to leave for the day, he came back over, and asked if I would be there tomorrow! I won't be, a different girl from the shelter is going. :-( It was exciting for him to ask me if I would be there tomorrow just the same though. LOL Oiy, I'm pathetic.

Blah, *sings* no body likes me, everybody hates me, blah blah blah blah blah... I'm tired and bored and lonely. As I always am. Everynight I come home, and actually wait for a decent time to go to bed. I don't dare go to bed too soon, or I will wake up too early, and it will be even worse in the morning. I'm tired of having to wait until bed time.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mommy loves me!!! I just had to call her to let her know that my friend in Oregon has had her baby. Then I told her about In Harmony, and my new job there, and she got all excited!!! And she said that its because they see how good I am at my job. So take that and stuff it... to those who say that I am not such a good option for my job(s). :-p

Your daemon would definitely be a HAWK! Fierce and
predatory, you usually don't seek the company
of others, instead preferring to find yourself.
You're a very loyal mate, but other than a few
close friends, tend to avoid others. Because of
this, you are often viewed as distant, absent-
minded and relatively apathetic. You'd make an
excellent strategist, however, given your
ability to see the big picture instead of
focusing on details.


What's your inner daemon?
brought to you by Quizilla

Always all alone

I wanted/do want the people from work to be my family. They have other people in their lives however, and don't need me, except at work. I feel most comfortable around my brother, but, its really sad that he's the one that I feel the most loved from. Other than my cat. My cat and my brother are on an even keel, everyone else is on the bottom of the totem pole. My own mom doesn't even really like me. If she had to be my friend, she wouldn't. She finds me boring. And I am boring. But my family should still love me right? I want that christmas card picture family kind of love. I'm so freaking messed up it doesn't even feel to go out and seek any kind of relation ship with anyone, not even friend ship. It seems rather sneaky and underhanded to go out and befriend someone because I need someone to share life with. Everything from the big things to the little things. The kind of things friends share, both the happy and the sad. I'v cried a lot today, a lot more than I have in a while. I think part of it is that its September. Part of it is everything else. And part of it is just that I'm insane. Ugh, *sigh* thank god for Freddie, I do't know what I would do without him. I swear, he becomes more affectionate when I'm sad, even when I'm not showing the real signs of it... he knows. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my family, my support, silly to rest so much of that on a cat, but there's no one else who wants it. Whats wrong with me that I'm not worthy of that from other humans. :*(

Things have been crazy. Seem to be settling down a bit now. Yesterday, Maria from the theraputic riding place offered me a job! Of course I said yes. Now I will be working all the time literally, because I will be working full time at the shelter, and on both of my days off at the farm. I'v wanted to work with horses for sooooo long, and I just didn't know how to get into the field. Now I know. Wooohoooooo. I was so excited yesterday, I just wanted to share the news, to tell someone, for someone to celebrate with me, but I had no one to tell. That made me soooo sad. To have no one to share the happy moments with takes a lot of the happiness out of them. But then I came online, and Jen was there. And woohooo, I had someone to share my excitement with! Thanks Jenners for being there. :-D

My place is a total disaster, and Freddie thinks I don't love him any more. I went away for a week, left him at my moms house, came home for a week, now I am petsitting for someone, so only come home for about an hour a day, and don't spend the night here. I spoke to my mom today, she said something very odd. I was talking about the fair, and said that I couldn't afford to go every day. She said, "well, you never know". :-s I find this rather worrysome, although not too badly, because I am fairly confident that she does not have tons of money in the bank, and so therefore, I wont become rich if she... erm... passes on. It just seemed like an odd thing to say... I wanted to be like.. what do you know that I don't... I didn't say that though.

I just read this book, in about two days. Its called Almost Lost. Its about a boy who practically goes over the edge, and his journey back. Its a true story, and the entire book is actually writings of what was said during his therapy sessions, and is written with his permission, by his therapist. IN the book is a lot of information on how negative thoughts and feelings are contagious, infectious, destructive, and how we make these feeling grow and grow and grow, and how to prevent that. It was a very good book, and I strongly suggest that anyone who has battled with depression, does battle with depression, or has a family member who battles with depression should read it.
I have been dreaming alot lately. Tossing and turning. The last three nights, I have actually pulled the fitted sheet off of my bed, right out from under me. Mydreams have been about people. About people with me, being my friends, loving me, as me. I am very lonely. There is a whole lot of no one in my life. I talk to people at work, and sometimes when I am online at home. But I don't have the normal friends and social calls that every average, normal person has. It makes me sad.

Ouchers, my neck hurts. I went to the fair yesterday, it was *shrug* alright I guess. I have this problem for some reason where I cry when I am at the fair. Actually, its more like, when I am at the fair, and see someone else having way too much fun. It starts as a chuckle and turns into my trying desperatly holding back tears. I am so envious of when other people have fun, it reminds me of how much fun I never have. My life is work... when I am not at work, I am at the farm volunteering, if I am not there, I am home. Doing a heck of a lot of nothing. I am home so much, you would think I would be able to keep my apartment clean, however, I honestly do almost nothing when I am home. I mean, I sit, with the computer on, and sort of stare off into space, sometimes talking to people on line, sometimes paying some attention to whats on tv, but thats about it. And thats what I do, all night long. I need to get a life. I need to have something to live for. I need to have fun, I need to do fun things. I need to not always be "the most responsible, mature, __yr old that __________ have ever seen". Blah.

I'm back. It was fun. Caught up on some sleep. Freddie stayed at my moms house. I went to pick him up tonight, but he got out, and he hasn't come back yet. I will keep my fingers crossed that he will be back tomorrow. I will probably make up a flyer tomorrow if I get a chance at work.

My brother and I went to see Pirates of the Carribean the other night. I thought I wasn't really going to like the movie. It was really really good. I mean, great. I would see it again. It was pretty funny, and much much better than the previews had made it out to be. My brother has been staying the weekend, as my mom went away with Mike. As much fun as we have together, he makes insane. I just can't deal with it. LOL is why I can never have children. He has been trying to get Freddie to come over to him for an hour now, and everytime he calls Freddie, Freddie comes over to me and gets in my lap. LOL Freddie won't even look at him.

I broked the phone. :*(. I went to make some calls to see if I can find pony and hay rides for a fundraiser, and my phone isn't working. It was all wet, I think some rain came in the window. It might be ok once it dries out, but then again it might not be. Maybe I shouldn't leave the phone in the window any more. lol. And the board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to have some more information for them by then. Oiy, theres a wrench in the works again it seems. LOL, isn't there always?

EEEEEEKKKKKK! I bounced some checks! I don't know which ones or how many but I know I checked my balance at the atm and it was -$165!!!!! I nearly had a heartattack in the middle of walmart. Oiiiyyyyyy, I can't believe I did that. I have to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit my paychecks. I have a month of back paychekcs that I have not deposited yet, simply because I have not gone to the bank. Ugh, how could I be so stupid!!!

Saving the World

I used to empathize all the time. With everyone, everything. I used to want to protect everyone from feeling any pain at all, to take it all on myself. I was quite a glutton for emotional punishment. It nearly killed me. Now, I avoid emotional pain as much as possible. I stopped trying to save the world, stopped listening to everyone else's problems, stopped letting any of it in. If something would begin to hurt, if Iwould begin to feel, I would just block it off. Get out of the situation, distract myself. I want to have the motivation to help again. I want to be inspired by other people's pain enough to try to help. I mean, I know people who's lives seem to be falling apart. One of the girl's at work almost had her dog pts for biting, another girl broke up with her b/f, moved back to her mom's house, and then the mother of one of her good friends was murdered. Something was going on mentally with my upstairs neighbor, poor Bill checked himself into rehab the other day. The landladies says that it looks like he was possibly getting ready to do something drastic by the way his apartment was. I wanted to tell them to tell him that he can come talk to me whenever he wants to. I mean, he can, but I thought that would be a bit odd. I wish I could have helped him though, helped the two girls at work, help everyone who feels pain. I want the motivation to really feel bad for the animals at the shelter, to be frustrated to doing something by the fact that they get worse with us, instead of better. I want to want to save the world, and I want to be able to live with that want. To not have it, and the knowledge of the fact that I can't save the world push me over the edge. To find the balance between being empathetic/motivated/inspired, and being exhausted, hopeless, and suicidal due to the daunting task of it. I guess thats why I am finally going on vacation. To be able to stop, take a breath, and say, "ok, I can do this, here we go".

Greiving

In my life, I'v known plenty of people, animals, that have come and gone in my life. They have passed away, or moved away, and so on and so forth. Cubby is the only one that I have greived for for a prolonged period of time. Granted, the circumstances around the dog were very, very difficult for me, so that's probably part of it. But I mean, come on, tomorrow marks the 10th month! Its almost been a year. Most of the time, I'm fine. Its not a constant, 24/7 battle at this point, but it still gets me on occassion. *shrug* Oh well.

Oregon, Oregon, Oregon!

Wooohoooo I'm really really really really really really really going to Oregon! Like, I'm not even joking! We went and bought the tickets today. First thing this morning. I am now $425 poorer, but guess what. I'M GOING TO OREGON!!! Its about freaking time.

They come to us in our dreams

I had a dream last night, this morning. I was renting an apartment from my great-aunt, and her upstairs tenant wanted a dog. I had to house sit for them, so I brought them Cubby, or they already had Cubby or something. Anyway, somehow, he got out. The first time he came back pretty much immediately. Then he got out again. And I couldn't find him, and he didn't come back. I searched for him frantically. I couldn't find him. I was so sad. The people came home, and then I found him! He was so happy to see me. Gave me kisses and sat in my lap. :-) I gave him to the people, and then Glory (a dog at work) was there, and I looked out the window, and both dogs were allowed to be loose in the yard, and they were playing, running around. But the neighbors, Cubby's family, came to me because they needed training help. They didn't think they could keep him. I wanted to help them, but I was so excited that they might decide not to keep him. If they didn't keep him, I had decided that I would adopt him, even if I had to live at my great-aunts for the rest of his life. It kind of caught me by suprise. I woke up and went back to sleep and was still in the same dream. When my alarm went off, I hit snooze so that I could try to go back into the dream and spend more time with him. More time. Morning came to fast I guess. I don't know what happened in the dream. I never got past deciding to take him. I wish I could go back in to find out how the story ends. It was like watching a good movie, you are just dying to see what happens next. I guess its just not meant to be though. Liz says that when we dream about the deceased, it usually means they have come to us and are with us and are trying to communicate. I don't know if the same goes for dogs, but I do know that I miss him, and that I was soo happy when he was happy to see me. Ok, I'm late for work now, so off I go.

They come to us in our dreams

Ugh

I'm tired, and my throat hurts. I don't know my throat hurts, it just does. Also, I'm not speaking to my uterus at the moment, it is being difficult. hahaha. Freddie is wicked crabby about the new foster kittens. Lol, he is growling alot, and he swatted at and nipped one of my landladies the other day.

A horse is a horse, of course, and Oregon

Awwww, I tho thad... In Harmony, the horse farm, was off for two weeks, so I didn't get to go down there, and my landladies horse was put to sleep, so I haven't been working on him in a few weeks, (well duh), and then yesterday I was excited cus I was going to the farm, but then I got a call saying that they are not having monday classes any more. Ok, so no more mondays. Then today I go down there, and there is no longer a 6pm tuesday class! So the only class I get to work in now is the wednesday class. Awwwww that makes me sad. I miss the horses. Ok, so about Oregon. I'm going!!! I didn't think we would really be able too, and I almost told my boss today that I wasn't really going, that it was gonna be like all the other times I had tried to go on vacation, however, when I got home I had a call. The price is still $400, but Grace can get $200 together. If I lend her the other $200, she will pay me back $50 a week for 4 wks. Woooohooooo we are going to Oregon!!! *does the I'm going to Oregon dance*

"Your a mad lot of suckers"

On the news they were doing a report about how americans don't get as much vacation time as many of the other countries. Even China has 15 guaranteed payed vacation days a year. We have none legally. Well anyway, on the news, they asked some people from the UK what they thought about our hard work effort. And they showed one older man saying "your a mad lot of suckers". Rofl, sorry, But I get a kick out of that, mostly because it is true.

I would hate to be President Bush. Since he took office, the economy has just been on a downhill slope. He can't seem to be able to pull the nose up. That and the war, and 9/11... even his more loyal followers have got to be questioning his ability in a re-election. Whether he is simply unlucky in his timing, doing a really wretched job, or a combination of both, I don't honestly know. I decide not to pass judgement, as I don't know enough about politics. In any case, I'm glad I'm not him. These politicians go out and raise millions upon millions of dollars for their compain fund. Bush is expected to raise something crazy like 200 million dollars for compaining for re-election. If all of the running politicians, in any race, had to put 75% of the money raised into something else, it would be a huge help. They could use it to help cut the deficit, they could use it to fund programs, they could donate it to various non-profit agencies. 200 million dollars might not go very far when applied to any of the above, but every penny counts. Ask any group that is literally counting pennies. Schools, highway departments, DCYF, Welfare, city run animal shelters even. Those are all things that need more money, and are government run. I'm sure the list goes on and on and on and on. Instead they use the money to buy tv time, radio time, bill boards, newspaper adds, etc.

So I had an appointment to donate blood today, and was expected to get stuck atleast twice, have huge bruises on both arms, and be there for 2 hours, because thats how it usually goes when I donate. Today must have been my good day... The girl stuck me only once, and hit the vein instantly. She didn't have to move it around or anything.!!! I filled the pint bag in 5 yes count them 12345 minutes! Last time it took twenty, and my fingers were freezing and tingling before I was done. LOL All of us there were so excited. They know I'm "a difficult stick". It hasnt been that easy in over a year! Wooooohooooooo... I told the girl that was so easy I would go again tomorrow. lol. She told me not to get too carried away lol. Ahhh was good though. Very good. Very well worth it.

The crisis is over. Freddie likes me again. I think the little fucker (said in the most lovingly way possible) was just playing head games with me. And it worked. I will be sure to appreciate him more. I am in the middle of rearranging my apartment. Its hard work. I Decided to take a break, I am beginning to think I should just leave it as I now have it. Completely in shambles.. more than usual. LOL, I got basically all the furniture back in place, but I have to now put everything else away. I dun wanna! Quick, someone else come and do it for me. LOL, this is why I never usually rearrange or do any major cleaning projects. I loose any motivation about half way through. We have run into a snafu in trying to get to Oregon. When I looked online before, the tickets ranged from $215-$315 or so.... we didn't buy tickets then because the person I am going with wasn't able to come up with the money right away. So we look now... The price is about $400 now. Which is gonna be a lot harder if not impossible for either of us to swing. Ugh. I have to go. I need to go. I need a vacation, its been 3 yrs since I had one. I keep putting it off, waiting for this or that, and everytime I try to go, something stands in the way. I was also told htat I was going to meet an old friend this summer when I had my cards read. The trip is to meet an old friend. And I am supposed to make some good desicions while I am away. Some decisions that I haven't even been thinking about at this point. I want to go. I don't know if I really believe in the cards and such, however, I'd rather not bet against them. I need to be young and have fun and be carefree. I haven't been. Ever. When is it my turn?

Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Freddie doesn't like me any more. :*( Over the last... week or two or month or something, he has become far less affectionate. Although He has been following me into the kitchen, or looking at me and meowing. I figured he wanted to go outside or get wetfood. He was just sitting here, next to me, not doing anything really, and I leaned over him, told him I loved him, and nuzzled him. He didn't do anything. Usually he leans into me, purrrs. I pet him and leaned on him for about a mnute, and go no reaction. So I scooped him up and hugged and snuggled him, and he tolerated it for about 15 seconds, and then wriggled out of my arms, and continued to ignore me. No purring. No wanting me to love him. That makes me very sad. He walks by and I reach down for him, and he keeps ignoring me, walking away. If I don't have him, then what do I have??? Nothing. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him, not doing enough for him, but oh, I didn't think he would give up on me. It may seem silly to get so upset over being shunned by a cat, but he is the only one who loves me unconditionally. Or the only one who did. He was the only one it was safe to let the walls down for, to feel for, and now I have to work or figure out how to get him back. Argh... is nothing in life easy?

I don't understand how someone can be a teacher, and still have a completely psychotic home life. How they can belittle their children, and act out infront of their children, and then wonder why their children are freaking crazy and out of control. If parents show absolutely no respect for each other, then how do they expect the children to respect them, each other, or anyone else. I know we all loose our temper and such.. but to have your entire home in absolute chaos and anger almost constantly is insane. And they wonder why they are not happy. I just don't understand how you can be an adult, and a teach at that, and not understand what the problem is.

Hmmm, they changed the whole look of the posting secton of this. Not in a bad way, or a good way... just different. Uhhhhh its so easy to be numb... so almost comforting. To not empathize. But I am supposed to be empathetic, to nurture my ability to feel, and place my self in other's shoes, and to really feel what they are feeling. But I spent so long in pain, I'd rather just not let it matter. Not let any of it in. Not feel any of it. Just pretend that everything is as simple and as distant as ..... I don't know where I was going with that, I realize there is no way to finish it. I wonder when it was that I decided that I had to give up. Or that I wanted to give up. So much for wanting all the pain only for me, wanting to save everyone else, now I want no part of it. I want no part of anything that makes me feel. I just want to leave that part out. When did that happen? When did I become so ... I don't know the word.

Baby, Baby stay... Stay right where you are, I like it this way... Its good for my heart.... .... Baby baby stayyy.... Gone...
Find what you weren't looking for Hmmmmmm stuff to think on.

I can't feel, the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored...
Cheers to that. I really can't afford to ever feel again like I did once in the past... because next time, I don't want to make it out of it. I just want the feelings to last until its over, until they bring it all to an end, instead of going through that nasty cycle over and over again. I'd rather just not bother with it. I was thinking earlier about relationships that we have with other people. Friends, family... and anyone else that falls under the category of people we love. There is ususally a rather high level of comfort with ones that we love. When you know you can say something that they don't agree with, and you may have a debate about it, but you will still love each other afterwards. When you can do really silly things around them, and its ok. When you can really let your guard down, and be the same person around them that you are when you all alone and no one is watching. When you go to them when you feel weak, and hurt, and happy and overwhelmed with any feelings that need to be shared. I love to watch the very basic, natural physical contacts with people who are comfortable with each other. A hug here, a hand on the arm there, leaning on them, sitting close to them, things like that. Looking at them even. I see this and watch these interactions with other people, and I long for more of them myself. I have so few people, if any, that I am really relaxed around. I always seem to be holding something back, not reaching out when I want to, not speaking up when I want to. Most people never even give thought to these basic relationships, and all that go with them. Most people ahve these relationships regularly, with family members, or close friends, or spouses or lovers. The closest I seem to be able to come to letting the walls down with is my brother, I guess because he is non-threatening in a mental way. Physically threatening he is, simply because I know it would be a real fight to hold my own with him if we decided we ever really had to "step outside". But even there, there is a block, a wall, a tenseness and controls I put in place when I am around him, or anyone. I want that ease, that simple trust that so many other people seem to have. I just want to be able to let down the guard for someone, to not have to keep it built up so much all the time. And to think, this is progress for me. I used to be sooooooooo much more reserved with everyone. I guess I finally realized that wasn't working. Slowly began to creep out of my shell. Either that or the insantiy just couldn't stay inside any longer. LOL. Either way, I am better than I was, but hopefully not as good as I will be.

Monday the Llama gets neutered. I get to help hold him. :-| Happy happy joy joy. LOL One of my foster kittens is very very determined to eat people food sometimes. I put him on the floor 5-10 times, and he kept climbing back up on the bed to get it. And tis quite a hike for him to get on the bed. LOL he should sleep well tongiht. I have to clean, and clean well, as the house is being assessed on monday. Freddie is bored, and i think he is getting frustrated. He wants more room, and to go out and play. Maybe I will try him on the harness again. Hopefully I will be able to find his good harness, and won't have to buy another one. I can't find another of the one that I really like, so I would have to get a different one and resize him. I would be ahppy if I could find the same brand again, as I really like the one that he had, as far as security and ease of sizing goes. He enjoys the kittens, they give him the extra attention and love that he doesn't get from me. The kitten that is obsessed with the human food is also obsessed with crawling on the keyboard as I type. And is quite good at standing on the enter key. Makes things quite interesting in a chat room. Lol.

God never gives us more than we can handle. While I may have my doubts or simple lack of certainty about the power from above and God and all that, I like to at the very least beleive that we never get more than we can handle... althought I know thats not true, or people wouldn't commit suicide. But thats besides the point, as at the moment, I am not suicidal. But I am wondering how much more I get right now, before I'v met my quota of what I can handle. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. But when we are building strength, isn't it safest to do it slowly over prolonged period of time, rather than to pump it up as much as possible, as fast as possible?? Sometimes, I am beginning to wonder. I think I have enough right now to make me strong. So give me a break ok? Lol. I'm just sort of going along in a daze, and not a bad dark cloudy daze, just sort of a happy go lucky wearing the blinders kind of daze. *shrugs* I just don't know. I'm am under attack or something. Trial by fire and such. But I will persevere, I always do, and my landlady said that I would when she read my cards *wink*. Lol I guess we all have to find hope in something, so why not right??

I had my cards read tonight... tarot cards. Wowzers. It was tooooooooooo cooooooooooooool for schoooooooooool man. I am supposedly going to get some sort of promotion or job change in septemberish... she told me I am going to see a long lost friend in August.. (which I am)... that I am healthy... which is a relief... and that I am going to meet and get into a relationship with a redhaired guy who is 5'10'' next feb/march, and that he will some how be connected to work.. and that his sign is a fire sign. Also that my money will continue to be ok, although I need to start saving... and that my brother is ok, mom is in a long term relationship, that will last a good deal longer, my aunt will get sick in the fall, but will recover... wowzers it was crazy. It was good though, very good.

Rahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I? I am me, thats all I can be I guess. Arg, Grrrrrrrrrrr blah... nothing to anyone, sometihng to someone? Not loved enough, needed too much and not enough at the same time. I'm a Libra, supposed to be balanced.... instead of everything in the middle though, I am everthing on both extremes.... so when I pit my self against myself, its a fair fight I guess. and I come out in the middle. But I don't think thats how its supposed to be. To find balance by hainvg and keep ing both extremes is the hard way of going about it I guess. I guess I like to do things, alearn things the hard way... Then again, doesn't everyone my age? I constantly be sorry, and say it over and over, and yet to be too proud to say when I need to. To always be in need of help, and too proud to admit it. To find happiness in sadness, and sadness in hapiness. To laugh so hard that the tears begin to roll, and to end up bawlling my eyes out because of it. To be jealous and envious, and confused, to know all the answers for everone lese, and to know none of them for myself. To find everyone worhty, except for myself. To give and give, and yet be selfish. Who am I? What am I? Confused, baffled, dazed, dry, smart, sensible, irrational, confusing, unintelligent. I am all of the above, and everything else. I am me.

There is never a dull moment sometimes it seems. Be careful what you wish for, what you want, because you might just get it. "Do you know what happened to the little boy who got everything he wanted? No... what? He lived happily ever after" It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be mine. "Hello, Butler, I think I have a new admission for you, could you p[lease send the men with the little white coats?" What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. God never gives us more than we can handle. I think I can I think I can I think I can.

I'm going to Oregon... I'M GOING TO OREGON.... I'M GOING TO OREGON!!!!!! Woohoo! Yeah, I decided I really will go after all, specially since the crazy people aren't all going, only one of them, who I really don't mind being with, cus she isn't as crazy as the rest of them. Wooooottt!!! in the words of the marvy Jenners. I wasn't really sure I would go, actually I thought for sure that I wouldn't go, but then I changed my mind. Now I'm totally stoked. Yeah baby.

It's strange to me that I have to have some very tangible motivation to go to the gym and eat well and such. Blah, its annoying, its easy enough when the motivation is there, but when the motivation isn't... its impoosible.
Keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
Cus I just can't go through
Another heart ache again...
He was my strongest weakness,
I surrenedered heart and soul...
It's gonna be a long long time
till I regain control
I'm still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he'll always be
....Now he's gone and life goes on..
And if this pain will ever end..
Will I be afraid, to risk it all
And ever love one again.... -Wynonna Judd-
Ok stupid of me to think things about a dog I know, but its true. I can't bring myself to get attached to another animal. I like them all, sure I do, but I don't have a particular fondness for any of them at the shelter. And I havven't since I lost Cubby. Because, quite frankly, I can't afford too. I don't want to be in that much pain ever again. And the only way to really avoid it is to not let any of them get to me. Instead I feel myself drawn to one of the horses at the farm, for no reason that I can fathom. I don't know any more, not that I ever did. I thought that someday I would.. that I would be able to change my addy because I wouldn't be so confusded any more, but I'v come to realize that I will always be lost and confused. I will never know all the answers, as much as I want to.

I love my landladies, they are too funny. I can hear them sniping at eachother occassionally in the hall. I get nervous, thinking they are fighting, but its just the normal back and forth of two people who love each other and occassionally get on each others nerves. Its been a long time since I was that comfortable with anyone... I don't think I'v ever been that secure and comfortable with anyone. They like my cat so much they keep coming to visit him. Lol its great.

I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.

Yay!! One of the kittens I was fostering has been adopted. It was being picked up just as I walked in the door from work. 1 down 3 to go. I sitll have the other 2. They might be moving to a sotre to be adopted out tomorrow, but I am not sure. When I walked in the door, Freddie wandered out into the hall way looking for the kitten. He was wondering why he is missing one now. But now he seems to be relaxing, adjusting so quickly to having two to look after instead of 3. He likes playing dad or big brother I think. He does a good job at it, and takes to it so naturally. He would have made a good father. Although its good that he was neutered before he could breed, as he came from a small colony of feral cats. And his father never would have allowed him to breed anyway, Tom was far too much king of the roost and bossy to allow such a thing. A ladies man he must have thought of himself, as none of the other male cats were allowed to touch the female cats.Cat heirarchy, how interesting and ever changing.

It's one thing to have a lot on your plate, its a whole other thing to have so much on yoru plate that the plate is ready to break in half, and stuff is falling off the sides. I was working my tail off on Tuesday from 7 am until 9 pm, and then i picked up dinner, and drove home, which took another hour, it took me 10 minutes to wolf down a half cold calzone, pull off my boots, and promptly collapse into a near coma. I guess it serves me right for not doing much of anything productive at all on monday. But oh well, I needed a day to relax, between work, and the farm, and grooming the horse, and taking care of 3 foster cats, plus my own pets, I was beat. Things are still busy busy, but should be getting relatively normal and situated some time in the almost near future. Once we are back up to a full crew at work, and the kittens are gone, things will be that much easier. I haven't found time to go to the gym in weeks. I feel bad, now everytime I do walk in they always give me a look and ask me where I have been. Makes me want to avoid them, and even less likely to go! I guess I just have to suck it up, and find time to get there. I have the time, Its just that that 45 minutes I am usually using to sleep, or spend with my cat, or stop by the shelter, or get to the farm early or whatever. I will have to figure it out, becdause I do want to keep going. And I don't want to pay $30 a month and then not use it. I don't like to waste money like that. So I will ahve to figure it all out. Yippy skippy.

Animal Rescue/Welfare/Sheltering/Care, ... (maybe not rescue, but I don't know what to call it), can be a job, it can be a hobby, it can be a way of life. It can be all three, none of the above, or some combination. For me I think its some combination of all three. I work at an animal shelter, so very clearly its a job. I volunteer at a theraputic riding facility(so I can be close to the horses), have pets of my own, so it is a hobby as well. I take home animals that need extra tlc, I am fostering 3 kittens for my landladies, I take care of their horse, so its also a way of life for me. Some people at work see it as just a job. Other people see it as just a job, but think that other people should be devoted whole heartedly to it. I think I'm kind of the only one who really looks at it as all three. Or maybe others look at it as all three, only instead of focusing so much on the shelter, focus more of their attention on other aspects of it. I don't know. I konw that we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses, and we probably all are subject to being the one that a couple of the others are griping about. Things seem to get rather catty at times. I wish there could be less moaning and groaning behind each others backs, and more open, outright communitcation. It would help us all do a better job, we would get along better, all be that much less stressed. And if I were being told what people's gripe with me is, then atleast I won't be sitting here wondering wdhat they are thinking, what they are saying to each other about me. The underlying reason I would like more open communication seems selfish, and it is, although it has a perfectly logical aspect as well. Hmmm, how very interesting.

Just got home from picking up some dogs that came up to our shelter from West Virginia. Had to go to Connecticut to pick them up. The trip should have been about 3 to 3 1/2 hours round trip... It turned out to be more like 5. Ugh, there was traffic and construction, it was pretty wretched. Although I got to borrow a van that had a radio. Which made the entire trip very very nice, because it sucks driving 5 hours with no radio. Lol, I'v been there done that, it gets a little crazy. Found this really cool radio station in CT too that I would love to find a sister station too in RI. I don't know what kind of music its called, but its all like native american flutes and percussion and basically stuff that you could meditate too or do something else on the spiritual sort of nature. Its great backround music, and there are almost no commercials. And there were no songs that really went against my grain if you know what I mean. You know, when your listening to something, and there is just a song or two that you can't stand to listen to because it annoys you. Yeah, there was none of that. It was cool beans daddio. I crashed at a friends house last night. I didn't realize how badly I needed to have a girls night until I was there, laughing away, and realizing that I felt 100% better than I had 45 minutes earlier as I was driving there bawling my eyes out. I guess I just needed a few jokes from some friends and a few shots of captain morgan to get over the blues. lol. I'm fostering these three kittens, about 5 wks old now, they live in a rabbit cage near my bed. They were in teh cage all day yesterday, and all night last night, plus almost all day today. I got home, let them out while I went to go pick up the dogs, and then I put them back when I got home so freddie could have some quiet time, and because I am going to bed soon. They are freaking out. Pushing up against the bars and screaming and such. They want out. I will liet them out in the morning before I clean up all the messes they made. Not those kinds of messes, but just general messy things, like kibble spilled around, and litter tossed around and such. They will be adopted in a few weeks though. Anyway, good night and good riddance.

I'v been waking up sad the last..... few days..... maybe into the last week or two. Thats how it starts, I find myself sad when I wake up, and then it continues to follow me into the rest of the day. Then it starts waking me up randomly in the early early morning, between 2:30 and 5:30, just wake up crying, depressed. Waiting and hoping morning will come soon so I can get up and be active and pretend to forget about it. Then I won't be able to drive without crying. And then I will be depressed everytime I am not immediately doing something else, smiling, pretending to be ok. Thats where the cycle goes. I'm not really sure how to prevent it, how to stop it in the phase its in, how to reverse it, or skip ahead to the being numb and being "ok" part. How to skip all the bad steps in between. I don't know what it is that has me waking up sad. I just know that when my alarm clock goes off, and I get up and am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and doing whatever it is that I do before going to work, I am sad. I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do before everything is really completely and totally hunky dory and dandy. Just down right ducky. Maybe real people never actually get to that part. But I think, I think, I believe that there are people who don't do this. Who are ok almost constantly. And I think that those people are actually the rule, not the exception. But I'm not sure. And I don't know how to find out. And even if I did find out, what would that mean? Probably nothing. Then I would just know for a fact that I am screwed up instead of normal, which is simply an opinion, a belief instead of a fact at this point.

I was at work on Tuesday, and two people came in and asked me "what happened to that chow", referring to Cubby. And both people remembered me as the girl who wanted to adopt him, who was so in love with him, that he was always introduced to everyone as "Megen's dog". Both people who I hadn't seen since last summer when they came into the shelter, both came in at different times on the same day. And both asked about "that chow". One lady just looked at me and said she doesn't know how I can live with so much sadness everyday. I found thta very interesting. And then 15 minutes later an older couple came in and told me how "it must be soooo much fun to work here". I was exasperated, and just sort of looked at them funny and was like.. Uhhh, well I guess sometimes. I didn't know how to tell them how sad it can be, how tiring and frustrating and all consuming it can be. Oh well, I Possibly messed up by not just going, "yeah its great I love it", and by not being able to expalin why I wasn't saying that. *shrugs* I am fostering these three 4 wk old kittens for my landladies. They are living in a spare bunny cage in the livingroom/bedroom, for the last coupble of days. I let them out for play time when I am home. Freddie hated them at first, and now he is on the floor trying to play with them. It's pretty cute.

Ok, so more on what I was saying earlier, as I was so kindly interrupted. My whole life would be different, and I would still be looking to fill some void, that Freddie, Gita, and Cubby simply couldn't fill. I would not be able to volunteer 3 days a week at the farm, I wouldn't have been able to move out, I wouldn't have a good relationship with my cat. I wouldn't have been able to go to the conference for work, or to any of the parties that I have since gone to. I wouldn't have been able to go to friends houses for the night, and I wouldn't be able to ... do a lot of different things. I miss him. I feel guilty about not adopting him. I have his picture framed on top of my computer monitor. It's the only picture I have that is framed or on display. I hesitate to get attached to any other animals. But I understand how different things would be if I had adopted him. Just something I have been thinking about. May 16th will be the 8th month since he was euthanized. Destroyed. I just don't know.

I was thinking, if I had adopted the dog, my dog, The Cubby-Bear Dog, my whole life would revolve around taking care of him, and keeping him safe, as well as keeping him out of situations where he could possibly be aggressive.

The turtle ate, and ate well today!!! I put some more of the worms in the tank, dropped them right in front of him, and onto the plants that are in there. The turtle went right down (after fighting through the plants for 10 minutes) and gobbled some up! And he is still looking for more to eat. LOL. He is a little slow on catching them, they drop right on top of him, and then slide off and slip under the gravel. And they are quick when he tries to take a chomp. Jump right out of his way. My toes are cold and my face is hot. I'm so confused. lol.

Love's the only house, big enough for all the pain in the world Ouch I hurt. It's probably just pms bullshit, but I'm sad, and lonely, and weepy. :-( The tears just roll down my face, fall out of my eyes, without much provocation, and I do nothing to stop them. Gggrrrrrrrrrrr! I want ... I don't know, I just don't know, I don't know. I want something real, someone real, someone, something tangible, in arms reach, I want to be able to tell soemone when I am sad, when I am crying, when I need a hug. I don't want to stay alone in my misery. And I don't just want someone who I can do this with, but I want to be able to do this, to actually have the ability to go up to someone when I am sad, and saying, help, I am sad. What is so fucked up with me that I can't do that?! Funny, I found something out a few weeks ago that explains a lot. My mom didn't not love me when I was younger, she simply played head games with me, so that I would think she didn't love me, didn't care, so that I would cling to her more. It worked like a charm. And I never knew it, not until I was talking to my cousin a few weeks ago, and she mentioned it. Wow, no wonder I have issues.

Our new executive director wants to do things by the books, payroll wise. She wants people being payed for all hours they are there and everything. We are all shocked. Today she jokingly threatened to fire me if I didn't take lunch or a break when she told me to. Haha, cus thats insubordination. A boss, ordering someone to take a break, or to take lunch...?? Shocking I know, especially in our field. We are still trying to adjust to her, she is sooooo different than the director who we just... errr.. who is no longer being the director. LOL. My mom called every number on the lotto just before they came up a few weeks ago. I was like, "Damn mom, you could be one of the commercials for why its necessary to always buy your ticket" Yay!!!!!!!! The turtle is eating! I don't know if he eats any of the turtle food, or the live worms that I put in there, cus they go hide when I drop them in the water. But I see him eating the live plants that I put in the tank yesterday. Woohoo, I was getting concerned.

ohhh I'm a tired girl this evening. I went to the gym today for the first time in 2-3 weeks. It was good. And I cleaned some, and took care of the horse out back, and then went to the Theraputic riding place. I got to lead the horses for two lessons, out on trail rides. Just got home a little while ago, to find my turtle (still not named) stuck half upside down in the corner of the tank. I thought he was dead, when I dropped him back in the water, he didn't do anything. No swimming or anything, just got pushed away by the filter. So I pulled him out of the water and put him on his rock, thinking I should just throw him out, and feeling bad, but I had to be sure, and then I'm watching him sit on the rock and I thought I might have seen him move his head. But I wasn't sure, because it was so minute, and when you want a dead animal to move, you can always see them move. (or atleast thats been my experience) Anyway... So I leave him there a few minutes and then he starts really moving... just his head at first, but then finally he got up and walked around for a minute and then went back into the water. So tonight I have to rearrange the tank, so he doesn't get stuck tomorrow while I will be gone for 14 hours.

Oh and I think its a painted turtle, although he doesn't have the red stripes on his back/body yet. But they may develop with time.

I went to and returned from the conference in NH. It was fun, and I learned a lot, and had a chance to talk to alot of other shelters. It was good. My car made it all the way there and back without trouble! Wooooot! This girl was volunteering at the shelter today, and I had her take a dog out for a walk. She found a baby turtle on her way back. Its cute, about the size of a quarter. So she brought it back to the shelter, because it was just sitting on the side of the road, and somehow, I now have it. In a few minutes I will be running over to walmart to pick up some supplies for him. I don't know what I will be naming the turtle, or how long I will keep him. He is in a mixing bowl with some water, grass, and a small bowl upside down to provide him something to climb on to get out of the water at the moment. I don't really have any where handy to keep him, but I will make room. I'm torn between keepoing him and letting him go, so I will keep him for now. The we will just see how things go. Ok, I'm gonna go run and get his supplies now, I just had to come online and do a little research about what he eats and all that fun stuff.

Woohoo!! I went out to feed Bear, the horse, this evening. He let me go over him with a brush, and pick his feet, without putting his halter on or tieing him up. He just stood there and let me do it! Ah thats so exciting, specially since he is known to not pick up his feet for you, and for making you chase him to put his halter on so that you can tie him to groom him. And when I was done, I was able to get him to go into his stall without having to bribe him or fight with him, or use a lead rope or anything. Maybe he likes me? I hope so.

My computer randomly decided it didn't like my mouse, or my mouse randomly decided it didn't like my computer, or my rabbit actually managed to damage the mouse wire when he bit it, but either way, my mouse died. The computer kept telling me it didn't exist any more. But I got a new one, and its working wonderfully thus far. Woohoo.

There is this ... want to self destruct I guess that is always threatening to over take me. To just curl up somewhere half out of consciousness forever. You know that feeling that you get when your laying on the beach or something? And your yees are closed, and your warm, and you can hear everything going on around you, but it all seems so far away, and your kind of drifiting around aimlessly inside your head, inside your own little world. Sometimes I want to succumb to that, and make that everlasting. To never have to come too. To just stop existing. I don't feel this way nearly as often as I did, but its still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and catch me by suprise. I took Freddie out on his harness again today. I knew I shouldn't have trusted it. I was carrying him and he was ok, but then there was just too much sensory input and he began to panic. So I put him down and tried to press him to the ground, but I wasn't quick enough, and he hit the end of his leash and gave a quick wriggle and was out of the harness. He went aoround the front of the house and got up on the step, but when I approached he got off the step, looking for another door I guess. I quickly unlocked the door and whistled, Thankfully he came back and saw the open door and darted inside. I almsot lost him. He could have run into the road, or gone over the fence, or gone into the back yard with all the other animals. I could have spent the next week trying to locate him, and keeping an eye out on the road to make sure he wasn't catsplat-crow treats. Oiy. It was scary.