Come on, you can DO it!!!

I've been thinking. Primarily about last year. How were things different last fall. Last fall, despite how hard things got at work, I didn't face burn out. I didn't get pissy. I had a sense of humor about things at work. I had my bad days, but, over all, all things considered, I felt ok. I felt better than I do now. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was the fact that I was active. I was working out 3x's a week, plus sometimes walking and such. And I think it made a real difference. I didn't notice the difference then quite as much as I notice it now. I'm thinking of going back to the gym. I liked the gym, I just stopped going. I was embarrassed with the fact that I had gone off the diet, began to gain weight over the holidays. I'm getting to the point now though, where I'm getting ready to swallow any pride and go back. I mean, I think I'm still paying for the membership, so why shouldn't I? Its still an idea I'm mulling over. But I think, maybe sometime in the next month or so, I may end up there again. I hope so.

Shameful secret or just who I am?

I had this dream last night that my mom knew about the depression. I know that she knows about depression, even has an inside look on it, because she herself is suffers from severe depression. But I don't think she knows about the issues I have with it. She knows that at one point my aunt was rather concerned, but I don't think any of them know how true the name ssmilingsuicide is. errr.. was. Or atleast, I meant to type was. A real mistake, or a freudian slip? I'm honestly not really sure. I know that I really thought I was going to type "Was". Anyway, enough on that. So, in this dream, she really knew, and being a mom, decided to force me out of it. She made me go to some night class for becoming a physical therapist or something. And there I was, interacting with people like a normal human. And the depression was a shameful little secret. Which I guess it is. Although I don't do a very good job at hiding it when I type it up in here and broadcast it across the internet. Although, as "public" as this is, theres a line between the people who see this, and the people who see me in real life. And I know there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for having depression, but, I feel like, I feel like I don't need anything else that will seperate me even more. I don't want anyone to know whats wrong with me. At the same time, I just want people to understand. Not that it will help. But it was strange, feeling relatively normal again... in my dream. I don't remember when the unhappiness started initially. I remember being 11 and being terrified of being 12... because I was getting old so fast. I remember laying awake at night in 3rd grade, crying over WWII and the Jews in the concentration camps. I remember at that point in my life, already trying to hide the sadness, especially from my family. They didn't need to know. They didn't need the extra burden. They couldn't/wouldnt' make it better anyway. I am just amazed at how messed up I am. It floors me to think about it.