Ode to Miss Moh'gan

Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you are so silly
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, how you hate Billy (gilman that is)
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you like to play wormy
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, your puppy is squirmy
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you bottle feed Uno
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, there's no rhyme to Uno
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you had some teeth pulled
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, on the drugs you'll be fooled (I know that doesn't rhyme but thats ok)
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you know your fate
Moh'gan O'Moh'gan, you are so great!

Ok, that is a poem for Morgan, who is a coworker and of course, center of the universe.

People see sadness in your eyes. You seem to be
hurt deeply. You may be unhappy because you are
alone or feel like no one cares about you. Or
it may be because something very awful has
happened to you. Whatever the cause, you go
through each day just waiting for night to come
with sweet relief in the form of your dreams.
But you may have even lost hope in your dreams.
Chin up. Things should get better for you and
there is always at least one person who cares
about you. Have hope.


Oh yeah, btw, hi Morgan. Do you feel better now that I mentioned you?

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed...

Ok, wait, maybe that only applies to energy/electricity, but I think it's matter too right? It takes matter to create new matter, hence ashes to ashes, dust to dust. For instance, when we are kids, say we eat an orange. Our body takes that orange, and turns some of it into energy for moving around, and turns some of it into muscle and fat and bone etc., and then gets rid of whatever parts of the orange it couldn't use. So you might have gotten bigger, butthe orange doesn't exist any more. But... what about people who are over weight. Say someone is 100 lbs over weight. Now they ate enough food to get that way. But then they go on a diet. Now they lose the weight. So they drop 100 lbs. Does that make the planet 100 lbs lighter? Or did that matter go somewhere else? If you burn the calories, then they no longer exist in your fat cells. But people who are losing weight don't go to the bathroom more or anything like that, so the matter goes where? It gets burnt up. So, if everyone became overwieght, or if there were too many people... would that affect the earths orbit. Theoretically speaking of course. And then, if we suddenly had world wide food shortage because of plant disease... people would all lose wieght... would that affect it too? And wait, if we all come from dust... then is there significantly less dust to go around than there was 80 million years ago? Or do we keep refilling our dust supply with star/universe/galactic dust that falls on the earth every night? And if so... is that where all the original dust came from? Because, that means we are all made of space dust... which, when viewed like that, means we are not of this earth, meaning we are all... dun dun dun... Aliens. :-)

Times, they are a changin'

Strange, suddenly, things are a bit different. My appartment is clean. Well, pretty clean anyway. I need to organize the book shelves and closet because it looks my closet threwup into the rest of the room, but still, its a huge improvement. I finished "cleaning" on Sunday, and have swept the floors and done the dishes every night since. I know that to most people that seems like no big deal, however, for me, its huge. I also re-joined Curves last night. I did my first work out, had a good dinner after wards. Today its an apple for breakfast, a sandwhich for lunch. Carrots and yogurt incase I'm still hungry. That's right, I even packed a lunch that I didn't buy at the gas station down the street! I don't know what has led to this change really, I kind of had been sort of considering some things, but kept putting it off, because its easiest to do it "tomorrow". Then all of a sudden, without thinking, I just went ahead and did it. It's strange, I seem to be doing a lot more things like that now. Have an idea and think about it for a while, never actually acting on it, and then suddenly one day, putting it out of my mind, then closing my eyes and jumping. Strange. It's been good so far I guess, but it does have some scary and dangerous possibilities if I get into a funk. I also am bringing home a cockatiel tonight. He came into the shelter today. His name is Freddy. Yes, thats the name of my cat too, well Freddie is. But the bird and the cat were both already named before I ever met them so it's not my fault. I may end up re-naming the bird. I don't know yet, we'll see how it goes. BTW, to that person who made a comment back in February, thanks for the kind words. I work at a private animal shelter. We are run by a board of directors, not the government, and subsist on donations and grants. We take in mainly cats and dogs that are surrendered by their owners, although, sometimes will pull from other shelters, or take in "stray" animals that someone has been caring for for a while. Generally the animal control groups will not handle these animals.

You mean... its not supposed to do that?

Opps, I killed my computer. I turn it on and it says something along the line of being unable to boot the disk please insert the disk. I'm not really sure which disk its looking for, nor am I sure that I actually have that disk anywhere. It's pretty quiet and relaxing not having the computer again. I am drawn to it of course, but I'm reading more books and watching more tv. The computer is a social outlet for me, and now I don't have that, and of course I miss some of you people out there in cyberspace. I don't know how long it will take me to get the computer fixed or replaced, but it probably won't be any time in the forseeable future. Did I spell that right? I don't think so, but oh well.

To those who have come and gone

I have worked at an animal shelter for the last 7 1/2 yrs. Approximately 2200 animals have come through the doors in that time. But there are some that stick out in my mind. Some that I still wonder about. Some that I miss. Bradley is a cat who was a recent sticker. He was a spazz. Bradley came into the shelter not liking people. Not liking a cage. Not liking to be touched. By the time he was adopted, Bradley would scream for attention. He would seek out the safety of his cage, his bed. He had people that he preferred. He was learning to accept being handled by strangers, even when the dogs were barking in the next room. He was learning that he liked all of the other cats, even if he was a little afraid of them when he first met them. Cats are, after all, fickle creatures, and who knew that better than Bradley? Luckily, most of the other cats that we introduced him to either liked him back, or tolerated him well. Bradley found a new home, which is a good thing. A week after he had gone home, we got a call from his new family. He was being difficult. Thats the last time we heard from Bradley's new family. I hope everything is going well and that he has settled into the home as well, or even better than he had settled into shelter life. But I wonder. And he's not the only one. 2200 animals approximately. And there are only a handful that I really think about often. Some of them, not even often any more, but their memory still sticks out in my mind, I still have a fondness for them. Freddie was the first. I took him home. I know he's doing well. :-D After that, next inline, was Rocky. A shep/dobie cross who hated strangers and tried to kill my mother through the chain link fence, while I stood in her kennel and tried to tell my mom how wonderful she was. My mom never again agree'd to meet any dog that I liked. Who can blame her? I tend to fall for the most difficult, ill fated ones I can find. Hopeless and lost causes some say. Me? I like to find hope in even the most difficult animals. Cubby, the chow/akita in the pictures. Butch, the little tan chow we pulled from another group, after I guilted the manager into it. For the next 4 months, I lived with the guilt of what had we done? What if we couldn't save him. It would be all my fault. Butch found a home, unfortunately with a young guy who just didn't get it. Several months later we got an angry message on our voicemail. The guy was fed up, and had turned Butch into a local pound with a high euthanasia rate. We don't know what happened to him after that. I hope for the best but always fear the worst. Chowda was a white kitten that I bottle fed since she was a day old. She was the only kitten that survived. Found outside with 2 siblings, in the cold. The other 2 died within days. Recently we got a letter saying that Chowda is doing well. Full of spunk, well adjusted. Iris is a hound that we just got a picture of today. She also came to us from another shelter. Underweight, having had multiple litters of puppies. She was covered in scars, and missing big chunks off of both her ears. Iris was here for about 4-5 months, and remained scared of us the whole time. She would crouch down and roll over every time we tried to reach for her, waiting for us to hit her. In the picture, she looks confident, happy, and healed. The picture of a well cared for, well loved dog. Shadow was a fear aggressive german shepard. We never thought he would get adopted. Last we heard, he was doing wonderfully well. He is the dog that really keeps me hoping. That really keeps me going. That really fuels the drive to try again and again to not find these animals hopeless. I miss these animals. I am happy for them, sad for them, and hope only the best for them.

How I wish, how I wish you were here...

A few weeks ago, there was a telethon for the Tsunami victims. Before the concert started, I dozed off, and dozed through most of it. During that nap, I had a dream, that I was napping during the telethon, and woke up when I heard "Wish you were here" from Pink Floyd, but the song was performed by Ben Affleck, and Pamela Anderson played guitar. It was a steel guitar, red and silver, and where the strings were supposed to connect at the top, there was a blue light bulb that blinked. In the dream, I liked the guitar, because "it's a blues guitar". I dunno, its a dream. Anyway, I started singing along loudly, I really like that song, even if I don't know all the words, and I took Cubby's picture that is framed, and hugged it and cried. I cried in the dream, because I miss Cubby, and wish he was here. I cried in the dream because, even in the dream, Cubby had been euthanized almost two and a half years ago. I woke up, and cried. I'v had dreams of him before, all distinctly different. In one dream, he was alive, just had moved to another shelter, and I found him on accident, and he recognized me, and was happy to see me. In another one, I dreamt that it was all a practicle joke. I walked into the shelter, and there he was, even though he was supposed to have been pts. SUPRISE! I was very sad when I realized that that was just a dream, and he really is dead. That one might have actually been a daydream/delusional moment brought on by a peice of orange fur I found on the floor, I can't remember. In one dream I had about him, I found him again, and again, failed to save him. I had to euthanize him again in this dream, knowing I had already failed him once, and I hoped that he could forgive me again,and that he would come back again, and give me another chance in the future. Th main difference between those dreams and this one is that in all the other dreams, Cubby was alive, in atleast part of the dream. This is the first time that I have had a dream that really accepted that he is gone. It seems time dulls the edge of all wounds, even if we don't want it to.

Can't we just spay the people?

About 3 yrs. ago, the shelter manager told me she was pregnant. She was out on maternity leave for 8 wks. Durng that time, I stepped in, with a coworker, and we handled it. Well, today I got the news...Wendy, the manager, is pregnant again. 3-4 mths along. She will be out for maternity leave sometime between May-July. This time though, we do not have an additional staff member to help cover the job. I am sure (thinking optomisticly here) that everyone will step up a bit and help, or that we will figure something out. If not.. I'm looking at working 7 days a week, and trying to not bash my head against the wall. LOL The rule at the shelter was that no one was allowed o get pregnant. Oh well. I feel kind of bad, cus Wendy was stressed about having to tell me, she thought I would freak out on her or something. I didn't really want her to think that, I just didn't really think that she would get pregnant again. I don't know why I thought that lol. Oh well, I will just deal with things as they come, instead of spending the next 5 months stressing over it.

Can't we just spay the people?

Finding the faith... maybe.

My family follows christianity loosely. I believe the story goes that we are baptist... however, when my mom and uncle were young, they both coverted to catholicism, just in time for first communion. That was just ducky until my mom was 20... and pregnant... and not married. I was born, she tried to have me christened, and the church told her no, that I was going to hell because I was a bastard child if she didn't get married to my father. Well, that was the end of being catholic. So then... there was simply no real talk of religion, or faith. Not until I was about 14-15 and my older cousin really started causing trouble. Then it was decided that She, Me, and our brothers had to go to church every week, and that we would be going to the baptist church down the street. I wanted to go to the catholic church, I had been there a few times with my friend, and didn't find it too bad. But no, I had to go to the baptist one. Meanwhile, I have still not been baptized, or confirmed, or anything like that. So the chuch thing lasted until I started working at the shelter. Without me or my cousin to bring the boys to church, they had to stop going, because they were too young to bring themselves, and the parental figures weren' bringing them usually. After that, my aunt joined a pentacostal church, where she was expected to go atleast 2x's a week, plus attend prayer groups and bible study classes. She and her son got baptized there, and then they stopped going. Even during the breif stints of attending service, we still never talked about it. So, I started wondering if and what I believe... and the answer was a resounding "I don't know". I thought maybe I didn't believe in God, but I feel like I believe atleast in the possibility. Athiests may not believe that God is real, but they do Believe that they do not Believe. If that make sense. They are sure of what they think, the way that a catholic is sure of heaven and confession. So, for a few years, I have been decidedly not praying, for what if there are multiple gods, like the greeks or indians thought. There are so many different things even amongst groups of people who believe in the christian God. I think I fanally realized though, that I don't have to pick. I can sort of pick and choose, and I think thats ok, as long as I stay on a fairly even keel. For instance, I don't think its appropriate to believe that you can commit all the wrongs you want, as long as you repent on your deathbed, just so you don't have to live morally. I do choose to believe that if you live well, you won't suffer in hell. I do not know if that means you go to heaven, or if it means you get to come back and live a better, easier life next time. But I think from now on I won't avoid thinking about it, out of fear.