Ok yes, so Thursday was the 4th month err.. anniversary ?? of when the dog was put to sleep. I think I have finally worked through a lot of the bad feelings, the anger, and most of the guilt. I mean, I will probably always have some guilt over it, but I sort of off handedly admitted it to someone, and that seemed to make it a little better. I mean, it wasn't like a bawling confession or anything, we were just talking and somehow something about the whole dog thing came up and why he was euthanized, and I admitted that I had put him in a situation that he couldn't handle, and myself in a situation where I couldn't be as attentive to him as I needed to be. The person I was talking too didn't really comment on that, and the conversation just continued on normally. It was... nice.. I guess. I am at such a loss for words sometimes.

I don't like this answer but they basically said its sort of picked at random, not truley based on your answers. lol So that makes me feel better

Typical Suit Heffalump alt="Suit Heffalump"> Soundtrack to your life: R. Wagner - Der Ring des Nibelungen Favourite website: http://www.economist.com/ Quote: You can't complain, it's a free market Certified heffalumps.org Personality Test result.

Sleep seems to be nearly as addictive as food, alcohol, drigs, and cigs. Things get crazy, and I crave sleep. I love that place inbetween actual sleep and being awake and present. You know, where your thoughts just drift this way and that, and you can sort of control them. Where your dreaming, but you can hear things going on around you, they just enter your thoughts. Where your only about 30 seconds from falling completely asleep. One thing that I like about walking is that I can get to a state nearly there, only not quite all the way.
After all, when your in that stage, things don't hurt, your not usually sad, nothing is annoying, and your not stressed out. Everything is just dandy... unreal.... its the place where Meg's land of delusion is not upset by real life. And we only get a mear few fleating seconds of this state daily.

Hung out with a friend last night. We watched a movie, had a few drinks, and ast up until after 3:30 talking. We talked about quite a bit, and of course after a few drinks, I shared more, more readily, than I would usually. But its cool because I didn't let too much slip, and that that I did say was no big deal anyway. Today we were going to work on carving me a stamp to go letter boxing with, however I lost all my courage. The stamp that I want to carve, and have tried a few times to carve already, are of my dog... Cubby. I was afraid of the raction I would get if my friend found out, afraid that she might tell someone at work, and they would know that I still miss him, that it still hurts, that maybe I am not as ok as they think I am. And I don't want them, any of them, to know. Not really. I don't think they should have to worry about it, worry about me. I also have moments when I feel they are not worthy of knowing. Where they are the enemy, and you never let the enemy know when you are wounded. Maybe next time I won't chicken out.

The following is a story from the newspaper regarding some of what has been going on in my life as far as work goes. Not so great.

By NEAL JONES

SOUTH KINGSTOWN - After five long meetings over a three month period, the Animal Rescue League of Southern Rhode Island's goal to build a new home on 24 acres in Kingston fell short Wednesday night, after they failed to garner enough votes to see the project approved.
Even though three of the five members of the South Kingstown Zoning Board of Review said they would vote in favor of the league's proposed 18,000-square-foot building in Kingston, the project will be denied because a four vote majority is needed for a proposal to be approved.
After five hours of testimony Wednesday night, board members Stephanie Osborn, Robert Toth and James Gies all indicated they would support the project with some modifications. Chairman Ernest George and member Joseph Dailey indicated they would not, and said the building, which was being eyed for a 24-acre lot in a semi-rural neighborhood on the Kingston, North Kingstown and Exeter town lines, would have a significant impact on the community.
"I think it would alter the general character of the surrounding area," George said, adding that he will outline his reasons by the time the board meets to vote on the proposal next Wednesday. "This certainly wasn't an easy one. I think all of us, we're on the fence here."
Animal Rescue League Executive Director Dan Davis was "not happy" after he learned the proposal would ultimately fail. Their current shelter, located on Curtis Corner Road and built in the 1970s, is antiquated at best, and Davis was confident throughout the process that they had found the right site.
"We were very hopeful," he said. "We serve 100,000 people and basically, 50 people denied this. Is it fair? Yeah, I guess it is. I understand their concerns, but we felt we nailed every nail and I think we proved our burden."
While George will explain his reasoning later, Dailey said "initially I thought the proposal was a great idea." But compelling testimony Wednesday night from acoustical expert Dr. William Miller on behalf of objectors and the sometimes passionate pleas from residents to deny the project ultimately swayed him to a no vote.
Miller testified that a single dog barking at the edge of the league's property would "severely" impact roughly 21 homes and "significantly" impact more than 100. The decibel levels of dogs, he determined through testing and computer modeling, would, in his estimation, mean the league would constantly be in violation of existing noise ordinances. Miller also directly correlated higher neighborhood sound levels to depreciating property values.
"We've listened to a lot of people over a lot of nights," said Dailey. "That is unrefuted testimony. We've heard people talk about their own homes. To me, all those stories show how this doesn't fit in the neighborhood."
Anyone looking for an example of the intensity that was a hallmark of the lengthy debate need only look at the fist-sized hole in an upstairs wall at Town Hall.
South Kingstown resident Thomas Roselli, Jr., who was slated to speak at the hearing, punched the hole in the wall before the meeting and then sat down in the rear of the council chambers. Two South Kingstown police officers removed Roselli without incident before the proceedings began, handcuffing him downstairs and carting him off to the station as residents filtered in.
He was charged with vandalism and malicious injury to property and told police he was "upset about the issue at hand in the meeting."
But other residents kept their cool, and effectively said that the league should go somewhere else because increased traffic, noise, environmental concerns, the effect on property values and the sheer size and scale of the building would be too much for the neighborhood to bear.
"It's about time the Animal Rescue League began to realize that animal shelters do not belong in residential neighborhoods," said George Ainsworth.
"We love animals, we laud this project," said Sheila Milton. "But this grandiose dream is somehow inappropriate in this area."
Lawyer James Donnelly, who represented 50 residents against the proposal, said there were sound reasons for the board to deny the proposal.
"This is not N-I-M-B-Y [not in my backyard]," Donnelly stressed. "This is not just 'I don't want it here.' These are legitimate objections."
Gies said all the board members wrestled with this proposal.
"I think we all changed our minds a couple of times on this one," he said.
Legal counsel Nancy Giorgi said she would be drafting a motion in favor of the proposal to be voted on at the board's next meeting on Wednesday, January 15.
Even though the board will vote 3-2 in favor of the project, the motion will fail.

-30-


©The Narragansett Times 2003

Its interesting how people bond with certain people, and as I see daily, with individual animals. I mean, we have 20 dogs and 40 cats in the shelter (thats a general guestimate although I know its lower than that at the moment), and yet when people come in and adopt pet, the one they usually take home is one that they connected with. When your looking at 40 cats, and you have no idea what you want, how is it that you find the one that is right for you? I mean there are things that I can tell people to narrow down their choices, such as this one doesn't like children/other pets or whatever, but they still have to connect with just one. And most of the time they do. I have been there for over 5 yrs now. I have met over 1000 animals, and yet, I can name maybe a dozen that I really grew attached to. Rocky, Houston, Levi, Hobson, Freddie, Cubby, Kora (aka Blackie)... In five years, over 1000 animals... and thats the list of animals that I thought I would adopt if I were going too. I actually took Freddie home. He was the first animal I was attached to. This past month seems to have been hard on employees for getting attached. I mean, Ruth fell for Lucy, Kaly likes Asia, Pam loves Nala, Leah wants to take Alyosha, Paula is still dying for Arnold, I want Kora, Todd, and Hunze. LOL I find Lucy cute but annoying, and even though Nala has been at the shetler for as long as I have, I just have no connection with her. She is being considered for euthansia, and if I were going to adopt a hardcase "hopeless" animal, it wouldn't be her, even though she is the only one that clearly fits into what I usually see in my animals. Its strange to watch these bonds form so quickly, so strongly, and yet, even thoughit kills us sometimes, we know we have to let them go. After a while in the shelter, you learn not to grow too attached to easily. I believe the term is depersonalize. You know the animals history, and like them as a general being, but you don't *need* to take them and hug them adn have them live with you. You don't want to cry and shnuggle them everytime they give you the sad puppy eyes. You become virtually immune to the tricks these animals have fokr guilting people into giving them what they want. But every once in a while an animal comes along, that for you, just weasles his way into your heart. Without any warning, and you want to cry when you think of the animal sleeping on the cement floor, being unloved, unwanted, and tossed aside for a "cuter, more friendly, hopefully one that will magically turn out perfect without any training" model.
I feel bad when I know the ache it causes me to realize I have become attached, and to know that I can do nothing to help the other people I work with not feel that same ache.

Living on love, buying on time, without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime
Gotta love that country music

What I really meant to say, is I'm dying here inside...

Woke up crying.
Drove to work crying. Worked all day with no problems.
Drove home crying. Took a nap crying. Woke again crying. Tried to go to bed crying, but my eyes were sore and I couldn't sleep.
I seem to have sprung a leak. My tear ducts are working over time. I'm not exactly sure why. I just know I am sad.
Tried to dull the pain with food. (as per usual) Now I just feel ill, and still sad. Blah.