Freddie and Tally

Last year, in the beginning of August, my petsitting client, Tally, died. The human, not the pet. They had a memorial service for her the other day which I went to. Lots of pictures, people speaking of her and how they knew her, a 15 second video of her going on a very tally like rant about someone. Ok, it was only a few sentences long, but it held about 8 or 9 insults, all with a chuckle and all that were intellectually spoken... no calling someone an idiot.. he was a self righteous, chauvanistic, etc etc etc... anyway, what was said isn't important... what is is that during that video, that very short video... she was alive and in the room again. Which, 3 days later, still has me crying. About 2 weeks after Tally died, I had to put my own cat to sleep. The wonderful Freddie. Sir Fred. Frederic the magnificent. Ferdinand my Ferdinand. I go weeks and weeks perfectly fine. But then all of a sudden I HAVE to have him. And I send out prayer after prayer after hope after hope after message after message to the heavens for him to visit me. I was told once that when you dream of someone passed away that means they are visiting you. The long Island Medium says that when you feel someone... when someone passed suddenly enters your brain... they are visiting you. Is it wrong to try to conjure him? To try to drag him out of what I hope is kitty heaven to come and lay on my hip and purr me to sleep? It seems so horribly selfish, and in all honesty, I'm not sure I actually believe that that's how it works... but it'a how I want it to work. It's how I want to believe. I want him to be at peace and be comfortable and to be frolicking and sun bathing and snuggling in a wonderful, pain and fear free place... but sometimes my own want to feel him is so great that I would call him from that. Does that make me a horrible person? I know tonight I will go to sleep doing it again. And to the people who read this and say... well Duh, look at your life girl... no wonder your freaking crazy... but my life is much different now. I'm happily engaged and will be curled up with my fiance', and I still desperately miss Freddie. Again, not constantly. Not every minute. Not every day or week, or even every month... I think of him often, and like to talk about him when the subject comes up... but I don't need to try to pull him from heaven except for a couple of days every several months. I guess this is just a normal part of grief... but man that knowledge doesn't make it any less real.