Arg, I still haven't learned how to put a link up here because clicking the link button doesn't work. lol
http://www.passionup.com/fun/fun4335.htm

A flower quiz. Which flower are you?


This is what I got. Apparently there are only three different kind of flowers. *shrugs* Seems to fit a bit anyway, but it could be one of those things that any one could fit. Wait, or maybe it doesn't fit at all. I'm not really sure any more. I'm so confused. Lol
You're a rose. Yes, you have a few thorns, but lots of beauty. You have the best of both worlds, because you're able to balance the serious issues in your life with fun. You have a healthy sense of humor and you appreciate a good joke, but you're more likely to listen than tell a joke of your own. You could be a middle child.

Social: People like to have you around. You're fun to be with and warm. You have several close friends.

Outlook: You view life realistically, fully aware that there's a mix of good and bad, but you try to make your own luck by doing all that you can to get ahead in the world, working hard, and remaining dedicated to your goals.

Strengths: You're comfortable being you and that gives you confidence. In addition your stability helps you meet your goals.

Challenges: You're most challenged by boredom. Sometimes life seems mundane to you.

Suggestions: Expand your horizons. Explore and try new things. If you do, you will be surprised at what you can accomplish. And by all means, don't forget to look for the beauty in all things--especially in yourself!

Dude, with this template, if you click the name "Une Petit Sanctuary" it changes color. :-) hrm so much fun

I have to go the gym tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. I was doing so well, and then I didn't go last week, and for the last 2 weeks I have eaten more chocolate and crud than I care to admit. Not so good now. That first work out is going to be a killer. Lol. Oh well. I fell off the horse and I just get right back on right? Right. *nods matter of factly* Besides, it will give me something to do besides the whole lot of nothing that I like to do. I'm so tired. I should just go to bed. Its 6:30 on a sunday night, and I have tomorrow off, and the whole night ahead of me. Sleeping seems like the best plan however. Funny how over the summer, I would drive home, and sit in my car, avoiding coming in the house for as long as possible. Now, I drive home as quickly as I can because I am so tired. And my stupid body has gone on strike on top of it. Plus I sound like a frog when I talk for like the last month or so. I think its almost time to go to the Dr. and figure out what is wrong with me. LOL. I'm afraid of what they will say. hahaha. "Well we can fix whats wrong with you physically, however, as far as the rest of it goes, you shit out of luck" hehehe. Bah. Sometimes I feel old. Its scary. If I feel old now, what am I going to feel like when I am 50? Maybe I just need to decide not to feel old any more. If I believe I am young and beautiful, than other people will believe I am, and therefore I will be right? Too bad I am the hardest person to convince. haha. *sings* I need a nap tra la la la I need a nap tra la la la I want a nice cozy lovey nap tra la la la I don't want to go in my room and be so alone, tra la la la la la.
there thats my song. How was it?

I tried to post here yesterday, and of course I was rambling on quite contentedly (is that a word and if it is is it right?) for a while, and my computer froze, i lost the whole thing. I was rather miffed. So I quit and went to lay down for a while.

Merry Christmas!

I was always sad because I felt that we had no traditions in my family. I always wanted a traditional family, both in who/how we were, and where we had certain practices that we followed ever single year. Well, we were never traditional in how our family was put together, never resembling the classic nuclear family, but we did have a number of little traditions.
My older cousin and I used to clean out her closet, and sleep in it every christmas eve. The closet was 2x5 I think. We were so cramped! Whenever we woke up, usually around 3 am, LOL, we would grab our stockings and run back to our room to open them. We would usually end up eating about half the freaking candy and falling back to sleep. I had the same stocking that I use every year, handmade from a family friend. My mom had a matching one. I still have it. On christmas eve, after dinner, and after my cousin and I had done the dishes, we were allowed to pick out one present from under the tree. Then our moms would go get a present out of their rooms for us to open. Every year they gave us pajamas on christmas eve. Usually matching ones that were a different color. LOL Christmas morning my cousin and I would pass out all the presents, after everything was opened, we'd get dressed and have breakfast.

Our traditions weren't much, but they were there. And it wasn't until this year that I realized, we had had our last family christmas. I mean, we try, but I always go into work, my mom and brother live out of state, and my older cousin moved to a new house. I got my mom a pair of pajamas this year. I opened the presents that she left at my house for me. In one of the boxes, was a matching pair of pajamas! Lol. We picked out the same ones for each other.

Here's a brain teaser for you guys. I got 13, forgive me I also took it before 8 am on my day off at that.

http://www.passionup.com/fun/fun4371.htm
Also forgive me for that not being an actual link, as I still haven't figured out how to make it a link. arg

This is for all the lonely people, waiting for life to pass them by, Don't give up ...

Ok, so I don't actually know the words, and thats about all I can bring up in my memory at the moment, although now I have it playing over and over again in my head. Hrm.
There are so many people who are lonely. I mean, like enough people that if lonliness were an illness I believe it would be to pandemic porportions. So why do we all continue to stay lonely? If I walked into a crouded bar and announced that I would talk to anyone who was as lonely as I was, chances are, there would be half a dozen people who wanted to come talk. However, I would never do that, and if I did, I bet no one would actually come over and talk, even if they are lonely. Sure we are all looking for true love and whatnot, but why not make everyone who is not THE ONE friends along the way? If we surround ourselves with friends, we won't be so hurting for that perfect person, won't be as lonely along the way. And yet, we all continue in our mundane lives, ignoring and allowing so so many people to pass through without any real affect. How many people do we talk to every day, that we have no real signifigance too? People that we may see time and again, and yet, sometimes never even say hi. I went through one stage in the pit of my loneliness where I would wake up between 2-5 am every morning and just lay there and cry. I couldn't sleep through the night. I walked around with my sweatshirt hood up, sunglasses on, and my headphones on. No one ever talked to me. It was my own fault. I looked like I would beat them up if they did. Talk about making yourself unapproachable. I wouldn't accept a ride from people, people that I knew and worked with, even if it was raining. They thought I didn't like them.
So many lonely people, and yet, hardly ever do any of us reach out to the others. There should be a lonely people support group. They would meet once a week, for an hour or two, and just hang out, order pizza, maybe even take trips to the movies or whatnot. I bet a lot of people would find good friends or even a kindred spirit or two. It wouldn't carry the stigma of a dating service or personal adds, because thats not what it would be about. It would just be a group of other people who are lonely, maybe bored, maybe just looking for something to do and wanting to make a new friend or two. Thats all.

Ohhh who'dda guessed this one??


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What's YOUR sexual fetish?
brought to you by Quizilla


Look look look! I'm not a dead cold fish! Woohoo!!!

Ok so its a different test than the freaking fish test was, but there was an equivilant answer, and I didn't get it! And I didn't even have to lie. Rofl

Arg, there is supposed to be a link, but I am doing something wrong and its not happening, so you all can just copy and paste it if you can be bothered too. *probably wouldn't be able to bothered to myself* lol

www.petfinder.com

oh yeah, heres the other one.
www.southkingstown.com/arl

If you click the link, and go under animal shelters, and RI, and then scroll down to Animal Rescue League in Wakefield, you get to see some of my work, and some of my animals. I'v somehow found myself as being the sole person in charge of keeping the websites up to date with pictures of the animals and descriptions, plus picking and writing about an animal of the month every month, and finding *interesting* things to keep people coming back. Oiy.
Ok so today is 12/16/02. At approx 2:30, it will be 3 months since my dog was pronounced dead. Because thats what they actually do. After they inject all of the... errr.. medication (?for lack of a better term I guess) and pull the needle out of his leg, I sat there holding him, refusing to cry, knowing he was dead, waiting for his heart to stop. He had already stopped breathing. The vet sat on the floor with me, listening for a heartbeat for what seemed like a good 10 minutes. All in all it was probably maybe a minute or two. He was dead weight, not breathing, his eyes not closed. And I was slightly repulsed by the fact that I had 78.3 lbs of dead animal in my lap. I was thinking that I wish it would hurry up and be over because I didn't want to hold him any more, and because I wanted to go cry, but not for nothing did I want to cry in front of the vet staff, and make their job any harder. So I just held on. Finally the vet nodded, and told me his heart had stopped. So I layed him on the floor, and stood up, and then offered to carry him somewhere for them. After I stood up I wanted to hold him again. I had been sitting there wanting to get him out of my lap, and when I did, I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him I loved him again. Even if I felt that the claim of loving him must be false. I had to get the gentle leader and leash out from under him. I gingerly lifted him up a little and he was so heavy and awkward that he almost slipped, I almost dropped him back on the painted concrete floor. I managed to hold on and move the leash and such out from under him and put him gently back on the floor. I simply said thank you to the vet and tech's, and walked out. Proceeded to get in my car and head back to the shelter. Started bawling like crazy not 5 minutes down the road, and continued that most of the way back to the shelter. Stopped in time to pull myself together before going back in to work. I didn't really know what to say when I walked back in. I think they had expected me to come back with him, as I had warned them I might. The entire time I was simply waiting for my resolve and logic (as much as I hate it I know thats what it was) to fail me and for me to put a stop to it. I never really thought I could do it. Given the chance to save him, I thought that I could never make and follow through with the decision not to. The entire time at the vets office, I kept thinking to myself, is it too late to change my mind. They had to drug him first because I couldn't bring myself to muzzle him. I was walking him around thinking if I should go inside and tell them to cancel, that I would bring him home and wait for the drugs to wear off. Even when they were actually killing him I was thinking it. At that point I really knew it was too late to stop, as if they had stopped, he could have had severe internal damage, and could of ended up dying anyway.

Its been 3 months, right down to the day in the week. And the pain isn't as bad as it was. I believe it was in a book I read that said time is a young mans best friend and an old man's thief. Or something like that. I don't know. I know that time heals all wounds, or atleast dulls them, even if we don't want to it too. It still hurts, and it still makes me cry, and I still miss him. One day at work I found a tuft of orange fur on the floor. A tuft that used to be Cubby's calling card. We left orange fur everywhere we went. LOL. Anyway, My very first and highly delusional thought was "Hey thats Cubby fur. How are we still finding his fur at the shelter more than 2 months later? Oh my, it must have all been a dream or a trick, and any moment now I will run into the kennel and he will be sitting there waiting for me!"
Quickly I came out of this delusion, and realized that whether it was his fur or not, I couldn't rest any hope on the idea that it was a dream or trick, because the memory was so real, and I couldn't stand to believe it and find out I was wrong. So I didn't go run into the kennel. I went into the office and just glanced at the adoption board and the kennel board, and saw that his name wasn't on either of them. Then I laughed and asked the kennel worker who else could be leaving orange tufts around. Quickly realized it probably came from Sammy, who resembled a St. Bernard mix. *Sigh* I just sort of laughed it off and never told anyone about my mad dash of hope.

There was more, but I realized that what was more was more than should be shared. Not that the above should be, but what was to follow was a step or 2 or 345 above that.

Anyway, I miss my dog. But not as acutely as I did. 3 months. Pain goes away when you blink it seems. Its there and there and there saying hello pay attention to me, and then you have to stop paying attention for just a moment, and it goes away. It comes back, but not with the same intensity. And, as time goes on, it will continue to become less and less. It will never be painless completely, for the halflife of pain somehow seems to get longer and longer as it halves, and halves again. And I don't think there is any real final point, where it decides to stop existing, instead of halving again. But only time will tell it seems.

It has been "another exciting day at the Animal Rescue League" Or year for that matter. Ugh. I think we are cursed, its the only thing that would explain it. Our dog person is out atleast until christmas with an injury, my cat person left early today, and the receptionist ended up in the ER with an allergic reaction to the shelter. We don't know to what exactly, but just something. So I was there for the afternoon with dog kennels to clean, by myself. These people came in and looked at a cat, and the poor lady was crying cus she was so happy that her husband liked the cat and she hugged me. And then they adopted the cat because I like these people and know they are good pet owners because they have adopted from us before, and before they left, both of them gave me a hug and a KOTC. And the lady was still crying. Oh jeepers. I didn't know quite what do to so I just went along with it. LOL. And the receptionist is a touchy person... Like, she touches people. I was sitting at the desk yesterday and she comes over and starts rubbing my shoulders. I didn't know what to do so I simply forced myself not to shrug away. I am not used to anyone touching me ever, and lately, it seems that people are all over me! Ok so whats a normal amount of human contact to everyone else is making me wonder what is going on, but then again, I am used to going months without even so much as a hug or a handshake from family or anyone. So its odd for me. LOL. Then again it seems I am the most untouchable person in the whole (although it may be small) state of RI. Oiy oh well, atleast the dogs/cats like me... or did anyway.

Life is so short.
you're not promised tomorrow.
it's not like you can afford
to waste away with sorrow.

Myyrh Lala
Mv, WA
Hmm.. Something to think on.

I have noticed a slightly disturbing sign being put up around here... "Emergency Evacuation Route" with an arrow pointing where to go. I see these signs on the highway and such. So some friends and I were talking about them, and we came to a realization. If these signs were due to threats from storms (such as nor'easters and hurricanes as we are on the ocean) they would just lead inland, and leave it at that. However, they lead to an "Emergency Evactuation Shelter" instead. So are these signs up so that we know where to go if we are faced with military attack? Another disturbing thing I have noticed. I live on an island, attached to the mainland and one other much larger island by two bridges. There are no count them 0 emergency evactuation signs on the island I live on. Its not a terribly large island. Lol. I would like to know exactly what made the government decide to build an emergency evacuation shelter and put signs up all over the place, and why there are none where I live. Heh, I was thinking of calling the town hall just to see what they would say. LOL So are we expecting a few really bad storms, or simply expecting to be under attack and need somewhere to hide and be safe. And do they figure that by living on an island we are all pretty screwed and the bridges will just be shut down so whats the point of trying? Bah I pretend to care in my more sane moments. I know I care, but at the moment, I am tired and numb and can't be bothered. Argh.

The night before my 21st birthday I was at a party at my cousins house. It was a suprise party for one of her roomates. Well, I somehow ended up very drunk. LOL. I mean, like, really freaking wasted. Now, I don't drink often, and had only been really drunk once before, but nothing like this. I had decided to say the hell with it, and just give in every time someone told me to take a shot (oops), because I was tired of feeling like me, and quite frankly I wanted to drink all my sadness away. Ha it worked. I ended up drunk enough so that I went upstairs with some people, and ended up smoking some weed (which I had never done before). I was so drunk on my way up the stairs that I couldn't really see well. This guy Nick showed me how to use the pipe and whatnot, and kept telling me it was ok to cough. LOL And then he helped me down the stairs. So my cousin thinks it will be a good idea to take me to the bar (she didn't realize just how drunk I was, and didn't know I had just been smoking on top of it) I was so messed up in the bar that the bouncer threw me out as soon as I walked in. I was just standing there swaying. Hahaha. So we go back to the house, and I sat on the couch, and was given some water. The water was in a glass so I didn't want to hold, I was afraid I would drop it. At one point Nick walks by and I ask him to hand me the water. Lol And then I start rambling on about how he's such a nice guy and whatnot and end up saying I love him. Now granted I meant I loved him in the wow your a nice guy and your wicked cool kind of love, not the I am in love with you and want to tie you up and molest you kind of love, but I was too drunk to explain that and so just apologized for saying it. LOL Well, last weekend was a suprise party for my cousin, and Nick was there. This time I got drunk, but not that drunk. Nick got a bit tipsy this time himself. We are sitting around the kitchen table and he tells me something that just floored me. He told me that he had no life, and that that realization had put him in a deep depression. And then he decided to live his life for others. So now, to make him happy, he helps other people and he is good at it. I was like holy shit someone who thinks the way I do! I didn't realize that there were other people who had that same basic idea. Was definatly something I found very interesting.

Friends, Family, and Love.

I wonder if everyone has to actualize what their motivation is. I mean, make it an actual tangible thought, instead of allowing it to be sub-conscious, lay dormant. On days off, I lay there and go what *should* I do today, what do I *have* to do, and what do I *need* to do. I can do things I need to do without much effort. Aka, feed the rabbit, let the cat in and out, or do things that are on my schedule that affect other people such as going to work or the radio show. Things that I *have* to do such as clean, check the mail, pay bills, take a little more motivation. And then the things that I *should* do such as clean the rabbit cage, go to the gym, get out of bed and be productive or act like a normal human being, are a huge battle. I have to lay there and figure out why I should. Today, I got up and did the dishes, because my aunt would be stressed if I didn't. I didn't need or have to do the dishes, they aren't mine, and I have been hoping that someone else would do them. But I don't want my aunt to have any extra stress. So today, she was the motivation for getting out of bed. Because quite frankly, I could have stayed there until tomorrow. First, I tried to blame it on being sick, but then I realized I had the same problem wednesday, and the previous monday, when I wasn't sick. Are there people who live for themselves, instead of searching desperatly for others to live for? Or people who do things just because instead of needing to justify everything? I wonder. Without friends and family, and the animals which I fill my life with, I would have no motivation. If I packed up and moved to a place where I had none of the above, I wouldn't be long for this world at all. It would be over very quickly. I would literally have nothing to live for if someone asked. Heh, atleast now I am able to come up with an answer, even if its half made up and I have to search for a minute to find it. How intersting it could be to see inside the head of a person who was relatively sane and stable eh?

Arg. Fuck a duck man! Coldplay is going to be at the Orphium in Boston on Weds. I could definatly justify going to see them. Although simply getting to Boston is scary and there is no one to go with. And even if you get to Boston, you have to park somewhere else, and then walk to the Orphium and I could get lost. It would be scary. But who the hell cares if it would be scary. Imma have to find out when they will be around this way again so next time I can be prepared. *makes evil frustrated about to rip the persons arm off hiding under the lampshade critter noises*

Die food Die!!!!I hate food. Food is the enemy. ARG

Something....... I don't know..... I did though.... really

Its world HIV/AIDS week. All y'all should get tested, be safe, and donate blood!
I go to donate on 12/18... who's with me?

An example of a time when I might want to strangle my brother.
I ask him straight up what he wants for christmas, and what mom and mom's b/f want for christmas. He tells me he just wants cd's and then he tells me he has a list and then he says bye and leaves. D'oh. How am I supposed to know which cd's? I only see him maybe once a month.
Ok and apparently my aunt just thinks she's really funny with the whole making a cd and putting "Adidas" on it and then telling me that she dedicates that song to me and whatnot. It seems I am the family "good child" and completely and totally asexual. Now granted this is entirely my fault. I have never owned a poster of a cute guy, or came home gushing over someone, or even been over heard talking about how cute someone is or whatever it is that *normal* girls do to let their family know they are "guy crazy*. I was always far too conservative and self conscious to do any of that. I just sort of slipped the other night and said something about the guy who works at the gas station. Both my brother and my little cousin start cackling and tell me exactly what I have heard before. "Noone thinks of you like that or thinks that you think like that, because your just not like that... not the dating type" Evil little fuckers I hope they both have to have a catheter inserted by some big scary guy in the ER sometime. >:-P Confounded! Rofl no wonder my mom kept hinting at me to come out of the closet and my older cousin told my mom,aunt, a few of her friends, and lord only knows who else that I was an item with one of the girls at work. Jeepers. I should go out and sleep with every guy I can convince to sleep with me, and be loud and public about it, just to show them all. *laughs evilly* Ok so there are a few problems with that plan. 1. They wouldn't sleep with me 2. I would have actually talk to them first. 3. Ee Gads diseases and pregnancy. I swear my family is far too fertile and we should all be sterilized. 4. I am working on liking myself, and I wouldn't like myself if I thought I was a tramp.
Lol It always seems that the rules either shouldn't apply to me at all, or apply to me only. I don't/wouldn't like myself for doing certain things, however, other people can do them, and I still like and don't judge those people. If I am a work in progress, and all artists are their own hardest critics, and I am my own hardest critic, does that mean I am a peice of art??? hahaha alright I will stop entertaining myself now. blah

Its snowing like crazy outside. We were originally supposed to get 3-6 inches... now they are talking 4-9. Closed early.. like 2 instead of 6 early at work per order of the exec. director. Gotta love that man sometimes. lol. So I was leaving work to check and see if the gym was open (it wasn't because they close from 1-3) and I went to turn around. As I go to pull back onto the road I begin fishtailing. It was in slow motion it seemed... I'm just like oh la de da no big deal lol and then once I stopped fishtailing I was like oh shit I could have gone into a spin and hit the other cars and killed myself and all of them. OIY. Anyway, didn't scare me off the roads though. Went to the store and then back to the gym. Woohoo I won the oatmeal colored fleece hooded jacket. OHhh its so very nice and fleecy and hoody. I love it. I came home and was laying down. I fell asleep and woke up and still didn't know I had fallen asleep. Lol. I slept for like 30 mins. I only realized I had fallen asleep when I looked and saw my cat was next to me asleep instead of laying on my stomach where he had been. And then I looked at my stereo and saw that it was on song 12, instead of on song 3 as it had been. I was like, oh I must have fallen asleep... I didn't even have that woke up from an unplanned nap feeling. I would like to spend the rest of the winter in bed.. no one would mind right? Haha, I was thinking of taking a few days off after christmas.. Maybe going to my moms house for a while. Then I thought, I could just not tell the people I live with that I took time out of work, and just not come out of my room for like a week... they would never notice. Ah the sweet sweet world of delusions.

Hmmm. Maybe I really am supposed to live in Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Montana, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Alaska... Lol. I am not all eskimoy and loving the snow and whatnot and not able to stay out of it, however, I love snuggling up in things that are all warm and snuggly. Like... fleece and flannel and sweatshirts. For the last week/month, I have no concept of time, I have been bundled up like an eskimo. Lol. Two pairs of pants, atleast 2-3 shirts.. its great. The other night I fell asleep in my work out pants, with a pair of jeans over them, a turtle neck, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. Granted, thats not what I meant to sleep in, but I am regressing out of happyville, and part of that is sleeping in my work clothes it would seem. Anyway, I also do get a kick out of the snow, and how beautiful the sky is on a crisp cool night. The stars are never quite as pretty when its warm out. And who doesn't like to have an 80lb dog that is covered in hair to make a polarbear jealous on their bed? Thats where the expression its a 7 dog night came from. Or atleast supposedly. On nights when it was too cold, the eskimos would bring dogs into the igloo to add body heat. The colder it was outside, the more dogs they would bring inside. Granted that could be a complete lie, as I tend to live in a land of delusion... and sometimes, actually can't remember what was real and what I or someone else made up. Ee Gads I'm one scary chicka. Maybe its time for some prozac and a trip to butler. Oiy lol

Raaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Aaarrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Its my day off. I am torn. I lack motivation to do anything. I have a few things that need to be done. Wrapping gifts, laundry, more christmas shopping, the dishes, clean my car... And I want to go and get these things done. On the other hand, I want to go in my room, turn on the radio, and lay there and read all day long. Not get up. Until tomorrow when I have to go to work. Its a gym day, but I am two sore from the last two days to go today. So I plan on going tomorrow. Means I could even go to the shelter and walk a dog. Its nice enough out. But hiding in my room until tomorrow is the closest that I can get to curling up in dark cave and never coming out. I also want to eat every peice of food in the house, and don't want to eat anything at all. Lori Morgan (country singer) did a song about being confused. I can't bring up any of the words at the moment, or the tune, or even what the basic gist of the song was... but I can't help but think it should be my theme song. LOL I am a libra. Which is the scales. Which means that I am supposed to be balanced. So that 2+2=4 and the left is equal to the right, and so on and so forth. If you put a marble on one side, you need to put one on the other. Anyway, If you take my basic average on everything, I believe that I do come out in the middle. However, as we all learned, there are multiple ways to take an average. There is both a mean average and a mode average and a median average. I think there are a few others but I don't remember at the moment. With one of them, you add all the numbers and divide by how many. What ever number comes up is the average. With another one, you simply take the highest and lowest numbers and add them together and divide by 2. With the median, you line all the numbers up in a row, and then which ever one is dead center is your average. Well, If I am average, I must be the one where you only take the two extremes and divide by 2. I am never a little of this and a little of that. I want to be miss social butterfly and I want to be a complete and total hermit. I can be so optomistic, finding the good side of nearly every situation, and laughing everything off, no stress here, and then there are times when someone says boo and I am ready to kill myself and everyone along with me. LOL I am fucking bipolar without being bipolar! Woohoo smashing pumpkins. Favorite smashing pumpkins lines "I'm in love with my sadness", "Emptiness is loneliness, loneliness is cleanliness, cleanliness is Godlyness, AND GOD IS EMPTY!", oh and the wonderful "love is suicide". LOL *makes the evil Critters hiding under the lamp shade noise*

Sometimes, I don't know whether to hug my 12 yr old brother, or strangle him. Lol, The other night I took him to go see 8 Crazy Nights , which was better than I thought it would be. Anyway, he has been really supportive of me and going to the gym and whatnot. Which is really cool. So he is sitting there with a bag of popcorn and offers me some. I tell him no thanks. He asks if I really don't want any or if I just can't have any. Lol so I tell him that I can have some if I want to, but that I want to be beautiful more than I want popcorn hahaha. And he just looks at me and no shit sherlock I swear he goes, "Its hard to improve on perfection you know". I didn't say anything for like 2 minutes and then I just go "aaawwwwww yer so nice sometimes!" At which point he laughs and goes "Took you long enough to get it didn't it?" Isn't he nice? If I could just convince him to stop calling me a hooker and a whore and trying to beat me up we'd be all set. Its funny when I think about how when he was 6 yrs old or so, it took me two weeks to teach him to say something other than "oh" when I would say I love you. It started as a homework assignment for Health class. We were to tell someone in our family that we hadn't told in a while that we loved them. I realized I never told/tell anyone that I love them. So I figured it would be easiest with my little brother. Well he just looked at me and said "oh" and walked away. LOL Oiy, the crazy and yet mundane lives we lead.

*Sings* Show me the way to go home.... I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... Had a little drink about and hour ago, and it went straight to my head... Where ever I may roam.. by land or sea or foam (?) , You'll always hear me singing a song... Show me the way to go home...

Hahaha. Ok, so there is a sort of scary cat at work. She is only scary because she is a little spazzy, and about 3 months ago, she randomly freaked out and attacked my hand... and then did it again about 3 hours later when I went back in her cage to prove that it was a fluke. D'oh! Lol, I will just say that catbites suck. Anyway, today the manager decided we could put her upfront, in the adoption cages, once we gave her her distemper shot. So we were talking about our plan to give her the shot, who would hold her, which vaccine we'd use and such, and somehow Wendy, the manager, ended up saying, "I'm not holding her, she's all yours. Patches is your cat" We had been laughing sort of but I told her straight out not to say that any more, and that I would quit the next time I heard that an animal was mine. Lol.
I told her that if anyone, ever again told me an animal was mine, I would walk out the door and never look back because I couldn't go through that again. I think she was a little suprised that I turned on her so quickly. I mean, I didn't go all scary and yelling or anything, I was still chuckling (atleast I hope it wasn't all scary and whatnot) but I wanted her to understand how serious I was. I think I got the point across, because she didn't say it again. LOL. The real test will be if she shares this warning with anyone else in the shelter. Oiy. And she threatened to hunt me down and drag me back if I walked out. Lol. I love feeling that loved and needed. Reminds me that while I am not indespensible, I am difficult to replace, and they would rather not have too. Ahhh such a warm fuzzy feeling. LOL, ok so its certifiable that I am clinical nutso, but too damned bad. Alrighty off I go to go get ready to take my brother to the movies.. such an exciting life I lead.. what a Saturday night.

The girl walks up to the shelter, covered in snow, the water has begun to seap through her combat boots and her socks, and her two paris of pants. She stops half way across the parking lot, and looks at the sky, not ready to face the looks she will recieve from the people in the building. Not ready to appear ok yet. She takes a moment, and goes over to the fence where there are three dogs playing together in the yard. The girl sticks her arm through the fence, and pets the dogs, a pair of brothers on their last morning together, and a long term resident of the shelter whose time is running out. Finally she decides she is ready to go inside. Approaching the door, she takes her hair down and shakes out the snow. She puts her gloves in her pockets, and dusts all of the snow and ice off of her jacket and boots. She paints on a smile and opens the door.
"Hello," she says to the manager who peeks up from the computer.
"Wow, Megen is like the postal service, not rain or sleet, or snow or sun, or even a busted car on her day off will stop her from showing up," the manager says with a grin.
Megen, the girl, chuckles and shrugs off her backpack and walkman in the next room.
"So," Megen inquires jokingly,"I want to know who won the pool and how much it was on how long it was going to take me before I started coming in regularly on my days off again".
They all just sort of laugh a little and don't respond. Megen decides not to mention how empty the bike path would be and how beautiful her long gone dog would look with the snow. The other people might not understand, and she doesn't want them to know how much she still hurts. Instead she makes up some excuse about having a broken car and having to go the gym, and how the shelter being so close is the next logical step, because the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. She thinks she might take a dog for a walk on the bike path, but her legs are tired, and she might have a 3 mile walk ahead of her still, and she just doesn't feel up to spending time with another dog today. She wants her dog. The dog she lost. The dog she decided not to save 2 months ago. Instead she makes herself busy trying to help a cat that needs some extra attention....

Ok, so that was yesterday. I missed him so much, the bike path would have been empty. I could have attached him to the 30ft. training lead, and jogged along after him. He would have been beautiful in the falling snow. And I wanted to say something to them, the other people at the shelter, about my pain, because thats what you do with friends. You tell them when your hurting. And thats how I think of the people I work with. I love them a bunch. But I couldn't share my pain. Never let the enemy know when you are wounded. And in this matter, unfortunatly, they seem to have to assume the position of the enemy.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this pain will end at some point. I won't miss him so much anymore. Another animal will take his place. And yet I don't want to let it go... blah

Wow, Today was Thanksgiving. It was the best Thanksgiving I can ever remember having. The only one ever where I didn't feel like something was seriously missing. It was nice.

Woohoo! It snowed. We actually even got some. I didn't think we would when they kept saying it was going to snow.. I mean last year, they kept saying it was going to snow... and it would.. in CT. We never got more than a dusting that would dissappear later that same day. Today we had 1-3 inches I would guess.

So, today, I realized something. I think I realized it anyway, and if I didn't, I'v atleast started to. I can only be me. I can't be anyone else. And while there are some things about me that I may not like, and may not be able to change, I can, and am allowed to change some things that I may not like and that are changeable. I am a work in progress. And anyone who doesn't like that, well I'm sorry I didn't conform to what they wanted, but I can't make everyone happy all the time. And someone once told me, I had to love all people in order to love anyone, and in order to love all people, I had to love myself. Now this is all stuff I have probably been fed my entire life... but only now am I starting to take it to heart, and be able to accept it as truth. Pretty heady stuff man. Lol I was at the gym doing my workout when all of this dawned on me... I just sort of stopped and stood there for a moment going "Woah...". Rofl. So I may not be my own biggest fan at this point, but I am making progress. :-)

*Sings* Sleigh bells riiiiiiiiiinnnng, are ya listn'n, in the laaaaaaaaaannnnne snow is glistn'n

Ok so I am so ready for it to be all Christmassy. Like, I wanted Christmas carols on the radio the day before Halloween. Normally I am not one to be all over zealous about the holiday season. Not that I am a grinch or a scrouge, just sort of average probably. But this past year has been so very.... errr.. interesting, that by golly I am ready for that warm cozy fuzziness that is supposed to come with the holiday season. So who is with me? Lol, And its coming up fast folks, Thanksgiving is falling so late this year, we have less time than usual between Thanksgiving and Christmas. *Runs about spreading love and good cheer and all that rot* Lol

Tada! Looky at what I found. Heehee, still the same old me apparently, I actually thought it would be different, as I can't remember any of the answers from last year. Lol. Oiy, I need a life.




Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

Ok, so its not my favorite quiz ever, but oh well. Lol I think I still have the new years resolution saved somewhere.. maybe its just about time for me to take that one again, wonder if it will be any different this time around. Oiy. Ok, so we have all heard that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? Which basically means that if the kid is a jerk, the parents are jerks too. And we all know that many things are are hereditary, such as looks and diseases and such. Alcoholism is one of the many things that they say is somewhat hereditary. Meaning that there may not be an actual genetic code that produces an alcoholic, but that if your parent (s) are, than you probably have an addictive personality, and therefore should be more wary about abusing substances yourself.
I never heard anything about work-a-holics though. I mean, I have spent my life being wary of drugs, cigaretts, alcohol, and unplanned children, because I know my mom had had a problem with all of the atleast at one point in her life, which is part of the reason that she is/was not happy. I never realized though that I would pick up my family's working habits. Falling for a job that you like, but where you work yourself to the bone, deal with other people's bullshit (but then again what job doesn't have that), and make piss poor money/benefits. *shrugs* I like to think that I will not be a work-a-holic if I have something else to focus on. I remember when I was literally living for work. I mean, honestly, thats what made me stay in RI, and thats what helped keep me alive when I finally lost all logic and began to wonder exaclty when I would stop caring completely. After all, I couldn't leave them stranded at work could I? Its scary to think of how bad it can get/ has gotten/ could get again.
You know how to tell a person who is/has been suicidal, from a person who never has been? Its easy. A person who has never been there asks why a suicidal person doesn't just ask for help. Because, you know, its that easy, all you have to do is ask. They don't know that to ask for help is impossible. Or that you will feel cheated somehow if you are "fixed" with medication. For some people medication is great. My mom is always on meds. There are times when she even is taking like 3 times the normal dose to get through. She knows that this is the only way, because she does have a clear chemical imbalance. Thats a terrifying thing, hearing your mother, the only one who makes it safe to come home, say that she just wants to shoot herself in the head. Its mighty scary when the "grown ups" loose control. I was about 15 when I heard her say that. I was in my room, and she was just outside the door, which was nothing more than a blanket. She either didn't know I was there, or thought I was sleeping. Either way, I just layed there and cried silently. I waited another hour before I dared to leave my room, so that she never knew I had heard.

I wish I could just take all of the pain in the world, and stick it in a bottle, and swallow it whole. Let no one hurt any more, no one be sad, and no one be suicidal. I want to be SuperMeg *strikes the up up and away pose*, and save them all. Will I ever stop wanting to save them all? No, probably not. It has taken me a long time to realize that I can't, and to possibly come to terms with it. Lol although sometimes when I am not paying attention, it comes around and bites me in the ass again. Makes me feel jaded though. I wonder what happened to the person who would cry every time anyone else cried. Now sometimes I have to work just to get tears to come. Much more of an angry cry now. Instead of a sad, broken hearted crying. Blah.


Which Buffy Alter Ego Are You?
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*Sings* This is not for real, afraid to feel, I just hit the floor don't ask for more, I'm wasting my time....Just take it all again...

AAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!. Lol, I think. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aarrrrgggh.

*sings*I'm only happy when it rains, why does it feel so good to feel so bad, I'm only happy when it rains

Ok, I'm done

Alright, so I made what I would consider a huge stride in my grieving for my dog today. Some people may think it is simply a step in regression, but bah.
Ok so anyway, with the large step. I went to the shelter, ( I know it was my day off, but it was far too nice out and I couldn't have taken this step on a day I was working) and took a dog out for a walk. Its the first time since Cubby was euthanized that I have voluntarily taken a dog out. And you know what? It felt good. The dog was well behaved, better than he is at the shelter, and I got to learn a little about the dog, and sort of felt like I was honoring my Cubby dog by not turning a cold shoulder on the rest of the dogs who may just need some tlc while at the shelter. No one can ever tell me that shelter animals are actually unloved. I love all of them.

Oh yeah, the tastes like chicken thing is probably because I gave like 3 answers to each questions... Woohoo and it let me!!!!!!! Perfect for girl who is all over the place. LOL. I only gave answers that fit, its not my fault that they had multiple ones that worked. Ok so heres the last one for today.

What Pattern Are You?

Plaid huh? Interesting..... although I like what it says. Good enough. Adios

Hmmm... Tastes like Chicken. Am I chicken? Am I a frog? Am I human? All unfamiliar meats taste like chicken, and that's what I am, an unfamiliar meat. What Flavour Are You?

hehehe, I vaguely think I took this one before, and got the same answer. *EG* Maybe not great, but any answer has to be better than the answer of cold fish I got on another test. Oiy. I need a life. LOL

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole


ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Far far from what I was expecting. Oiy. Does this mean I somewhat resemble Lisa? Good golly gosh I guess I hope so when the options are considered. Well lets see, I have similar crazy hair sticking out all over the place, and I used to play the saxaphone, and I did pretty well in school. Oh deary. Lol.

Ok, how many people dream about work....... regularly??? Come on now, raise your hands. Like dream about work regularly enough, and the dreams are real enough, that when you wake up you are truly confused as to whether parts of the dream were real or not? This seems to be an ongoing issue for me. I dreamt last night that I was supposed to work today, and that I had forgotten. And then there were things that were very real about the dream, as in stuff that carried over from yesterday. (only natural I suppose, but still!) So when I did wake up I was like, Oh shit! am I supposed to work today? I sat there for a minute trying to untangle my pajamas from my blankets and sheets, and figured out that I was almost positive that I really did have the day off. The longer I am awake, the more rational reasons I have to support my conclusions. Lol. Like I didn't think I had to work today last night. I didn't think I had to work today until I had already woken up once about an hour before I actually got up. I didn't think I had to work around 7 am. However, when my little cus came and woke me for a ride to school, thats when I thought I had to work. Sleep is supposed to be an escape, the time when you don't have to worry about work, or whatever it is that wears you down right? So what the hell am I doing interrupting my only time that I ever get to stop thinking about the shelter by dreaming about it? I mean, I could give you a few things that I would much rather dream about, tyvm. Oh well, as usual I just don't know. Blah.

Arg, you know whats annoying? I left the book I am reading at work. Now, I have nothing to read when I go to bed. Well besides the 10 other books I have laying around waiting to be read, but thats not the point. I don't want to start another book until I have finished the other one. It just gets confusing when your reading 2 or 3 different books lol. Plus then I can never decide from night to night which one I want to read. Blah maybe I should just find something better to do than read huh? HA! I didn't say that it was my evil twin really. My legs hurt, I sort of hauled ass on my walk. I need new shoes to go walking in, because mine aren't all that great, and are more skater style than athletic style. There is a big difference in how the inside of a skater shoe and an athletic shoe are made. I just am not always good at buying myself stufff and so haven't bought an extra pair of sneakers yet. Lol. Dude!
When I went to visit my mom last week, I was wearing a pair of my designated "work" jeans. Which means that they are a bit old, and I don't mind too much if they get completely ruined. Well anyway, these jeans were too big for me, like held up by a belt too big. So the next morning my mom asks me when I am leaving for home. I tell her I'm not sure yet. So she's all like, ok well as long as its later so that we can go and get you some pants that fit. She bought me 3 new pairs of jeans! Woohoo go mom. Lol. Anyway, I was stoked and just had to share that.
Heres a band to think about... Big headed todd and the monsters... they are interesting, in a good sorta way. Peace out G.

*Does the "I'm gonna be a sexy bitch if it kills me" dance*. I don't know what is going on, but twice this week, I have had random feelings of aggression. Lol. The other night I went for a walk, made it a whole 3 or 4 songs on my walkman feeling ok! woohoo. Anyway, I was feeling rather aggressive, and had all these not so very nice thoughts.. lol And ran down a hill and was doing the "rocky at the top of the stairs" dance. But then a song came on that burst my aggressive bubble and I was glad I was almost home because I would't have been able to keep it up much longer. And then this morning, I was at work, and for almost an hour I was concerned because I was feeling aggressive and argumentative. I was worried that someone would call, or come in and have an attitude, or say something that would make me angry and I wouldn't keep my head. It went away without any real consequences luckily. I haven't felt any real anger/rage in a while now... I have just been too tired. Funny when you realize that over the summer when I was alone, my worries and fears, and sadness made me very angry at times. To the point where I was attacking my steering wheel, or once I even hit this post outside the shelter. Its a column, helps support the over hang infront of the door. I was so freaking out that I hit it, and it actually moved about 2 inches. Lol, then I had to go to the other side, and punch/push it back into place. I mean, I'v had little angers, ya know, like coming home and being mad at my little cousin for... well just about for anything.. (ha bear with me, I haven't had bread in 4 or 5 weeks), but nothing that drives me to go for a jog, or makes me mad enough that I am going to loose my temper. I have been working so hard at keeping it cool for work because we were so short handed, and the manager was fighting off burn out herself, that I just exhausted myself, and when I could let go, I was too damned tired. Lol, well I am still tired, could probably still go to bed now and sleep until I have to go to work in the morning, and then do it again tomorrow. Rofl! With all of my symptoms, if I didn't know better I would swear I was freaking pregnant. Luckily you can't get pregnant though just from standing in a room while someone talks about sex. Oiy, I should probably go to the doctor, and figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Atleast physically anyway. But that would mean #1 going to the doctor, and #2 spending money on something else. It seems that there are always things competing for money. I mean, there is my car to fix, I need a hair cut (going on 3 or 4 yrs now), need to go to the Dr., have christmas and birthdays coming up, need a new bed, and desperatly need some sort of vacation at some point. Even if its only a week or so at my mom's house, staying away from work, and therefor not getting paid. It will never end. Its about time for me to win the lottery or something. Lol. Oh well, I am done ranting now.

4 more lbs gone! Woohoo. Lol the only thing is that on days I'm not at the gym, I am supposed to be doing something else, walking of course would be the natural choice. Problem is that for me walking = emotional torment = emotional exhaustion. It can't be good for me to go through that 4 times a week. Lol. When I had the dog, we could go on these nice long walk/jogs, and I would be ok, because I was focusing on keeping up with him, my Cubby dog. He kept me ok. Its.... something. The day that the dog was euthanized, everyone checked up on me. I mean, my aunt, my boss, my friends from work, friends outside of work. And that day, that day I was ok, well as ok as I could have been, and didn't want to talk about it, or deal with it. I didn't want to cry on anybodies shoulder, or call anyone in the middle of the night because the walls had come closing in. And everyone told me it was ok to be sad, and I just wanted to think of something else, or not to think at all. To just sit there, and allow something else to occupy my mind. To allow myself to be completely blank. A week passed, and I was hit with a real twinge of how I missed him. Now, 2 months later, and I'm sitting here wondering if it is still ok to be sad. It was ok to be sad before, but no one told me it was ok to just be numb. Now its all over, and i am sad, and no body will get it. Lol talk about procrastination huh? I mean who waites two months to grieve, especially over a dog that wasn't technically theirs? Its a lot of guilt I cope with at this point. The decision I made was selfish. And you can say that I had a right to choose me over him, and that there were a lot of unselfish, logical reasons why I made the right choice. But when it comes down to the direct truth, all of those reasons don't really count. The only reason why they exist is so I don't feel as guilty.
Oiy complete and total distraction, blah I am done.

Ok, now I am snoopy, not my favorite cartoon dog, but the one that actually does seem to fit me the most.



What
cartoon dog are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

Dude! Imma frog! *Ribbit ribbit* I once again get to refer to myself as Megafrog!!!




Which Muppet Are You?

Your a kind, friendly person. You seem to get bossed about alot
(so do something about it) and you love playing instruments!

Well, the meeting went well enough. No decision yet. We have another meeting December 19th I believe. I'v been so tired. I went up to my moms house sunday night, and crashed there for the evening. Did nothing all day Monday, well except take a nap. And then came home and was in bed and asleep before 11. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off, and even though I didn't exactly want to get out of bed, I decided I should, seeing as how I was feeling more awake than I have in weeks. It was nice to be awake again. Lol, my aunt blames it on the psycho diet I am on... and I am sure that is part of it, however, I'm almost positive that there are multiple factors.. such as the season change, stress from work and such, and yeah stuff like that.
Anyway, so you see, I miss my dog. And I want to give a big, heartfelt FUCK YOU to anyone and everyone who helped me decide not to save him. I spent so long rationalizing why I should not adopt him. I still like to rationalize why I made the right decision for me, but that is only to help push back the pain and guilt a little bit, not because I truly feel I was 100% right. I am still able to prevent myself from actually regretting my choice, but oh it hurts. I cried for almost the entire drive up to my mom's house Sunday night, mostly about the dog, which of course led to crying about other things. By the time I got there, I had finished crying, but was warn out physically and emotionally. I walked in and my mom was like.." are you ok, you look exhausted." All I could think of to say was "yeah, i'm just sort of tired lately". She's a good mom, she just left it at that.
If I had adopted my dog, maybe I would be spending too much time focusing on him, and not have enough time/energy to work with any other animals. The fact of the matter is however, that I haven't worked with a single other dog since I lost him. I'm in pain, I don't want to risk falling for another animal that I may not be able to save. Or fall for one and then have it go home to someone else. And I don't want to work really hard with a dog, and keep my distance, not get attached, feel the numbness that I feel for so many of the animals now. It used to take everything out of me not to cry when someone in the shelter was turning in an animal and bawling. Now, I'm like, oh thats sad, I'm sorry, and then thats it, I'm usually over it. I have become so jaded to most of it. Being jaded, its the only way to prevent yourself from an actual clinical burn out, but I don't like being so jaded. It can be as awful feeling nothing at all as it is to be in pain... I think... Lol unfortunatly I don't usually feel both at once, and so therefor can't really give an accurate comparison. And to think... this is me being almost happy. Oiy.
Another good reason for me to avoid reproducing.... this shit is hereditary, just like flat feet. Wouldn't want to risk giving life to someone knowing that no matter how wonderful and loved they are, they could be suicidal because its in the family tree.
Right, so in conclusion, I want my dog and thats all there is to it. I should stop rambling now, my fingers are getting cold.

How in the world does one put a picture up anyway? Is it even possible? lol

Tonight we have another meeting with the town zoning board to see if we will be able to get the variance we requested at work. Heres hoping. We definately need a new building, and its going to be a real pisser if we are denied the variance and have to start again after finding somewhere else to try and build.

I miss my dog. My life right now would be a hell of a lot more difficult if I had him, but I wonder if the difficulty would be balanced out. When I first got my cat, he was very difficult also. I was getting up a half hour early every morning for school so that I could make sure I had enough time to take care of him. At that point my morning routine usually consisted of dragging myself out of bed, putting on clothing (if i hadn't slept in clothes I could wear to school) and then brushing my teeth and leaving. It usually only took me about 5 minutes to get out the door. Lol. So it was a big change.
Granted, the dog would be a heck of a lot more work than the cat was. I'd have to walk him atleast once a day (would be great for my waistline lol), feed him twice a day, make time for training daily, make sure he wasn't eating the cats, rabbit, guinea pig, my aunt, my cousin(s), or visitors. I would always have to be the one to care for him because there was a chance he might bite someone else if I couldn't get to it. I would not feel safe ever leaving him home with my family. They just didn't understand his limitions, and didn't have the bond with him that I did to be pretty sure that they wouldn't receive an actual bite if they did cross his threshold. I know I made the right choice for my family, and for my future, and for my cat, but I still feel it was very selfish of me to not choose him. Because I could have chosen him instead. I had pretty much come to terms with it when I first realized that I wouldn't be able to save him, however, then people kept finding ways that would have made it possible for me to keep him... and I chose to have him killed instead. Ouch. It is a choice that lays heavy on my heart even now, two months later. I try desperatly not to regret my choice, but I wonder, if I had to do it all over again, with the same dog, and the same choice, would I? The last two months haven't been as hard as I was afraid they would be. I thought for sure I would be so down and in the pits, and quite frankly on my way out. I spent the eniter summer afraid of how I was going to feel afterwards. And now there is nothing. Nothing like waiting for the blow that doesn't come. I'm so confused. I want to dwell on it, feel the hurt so vividly, and yet I want to be oh so stoic, and not feel it at all, and be happy and content... maybe its time for some prozac. Lol. Oh well, for now I keep on plugging.

Erm, How the heck do you fix the time? It's 6:18, and this thing is going to tell you that I posted at like 3:23 or something... I did fix the time zone, and it still said posted at 3.... er wait, maybe it fixed itself.. I don't know... I will shut up now

Blah, I am so tired. I want someone to drive me around, so that I may sleep in the backseat of the car. I was always one to fall asleep in the car, and now, on my way home, I always want a nap. Problem being that I am the one driving of course. When I get home though, and get out of the car, its not the same, and I am no longer ready for a nap. I think its time to hire me a personal driver. Lol, only for naps of course. I don't know.. I just know I am tired, and ready to stop being so tired.