Insanity

Grave digger, when you dig my grave, please make it shallow, so I can feel the rain... I don't knowhow people get over the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... I can't even get over the loss of a dog that I had put to death, a dog who didn't belong to me, who I didn't belong to. Argh. I love my cat so much, but he doesn't fill that emptiness inside me. And I know that Cubby wouldn't fill that void either, but it's hard not to assume that the unconditional love of another animal won't solve it. Or another dish of icecream, or another online friend, or another job. Or a new apartment, a new bike. Too bad its impossible to purchase a new life. The 16th is tuesday. That will be a year since Cubby was euthanized. 1 year since I allowed him to die in my arms. I still miss him, miss burying my face in his fur. I do that to my cat, and as I'v said, I love my cat more than anything in the world, he is why I continue to breath, but... I feel really bad saying this... Is he enough? I want to do something drastic on the 16th, to let them all know I still grieve, that I did/am greiving at all. I have decided to wear a black shirt through out the month. On the 16th, I will wear all black. If I run out of black shirts, I will create a black arm band, and wear that. But thats not enough. Its not enough to have Cubby's picture as an emoticon on my msn messenger, to have his picture on my msn profile, to have his picture framed on top of my computer, and to have the picture of him in my lap as the desktop picture on the computer. I want to do something more. I want to take a vow of silence on the 16th, go on a hunger strike, hold a candle light vigil, and a protest. I want to tell someone off, let them know I am angry, and I hurt. I don't know what to do. How to honor him. The ultimate showing of grief would be to just finish it on that day. That would be a big "Fuck you" to all of them. You didn't want to be my family, you didn't deserve to be my family, you don't deserve to share in my grief, or to be able to help me. I am not worthy of your concern, but at the same time, you are not worthy of being allowed to worry. Not that I would actually do something like that. But how I would love to make a statement like that. That, however, would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face, something I try to avoid doing. Damn I hate being reasonable sometimes. I do just wish that I could loose it completely at some point. I just want to bash someones head in once.. just once... is that too much to ask? LOL of course it is. Damn, when did I get so crazy?

So today, for work, I had to take a few cats up to PetsMart for adoption. There was this cute guy their, from another animal shelter, doing the same thing, only in a different area of the store. Anyway, he came over to where I was set up, and we talked for a few minutes. Then he just sort of hung around for like 15-20 minutes. After a while, he had to go do something so he left. As he was getting ready to leave for the day, he came back over, and asked if I would be there tomorrow! I won't be, a different girl from the shelter is going. :-( It was exciting for him to ask me if I would be there tomorrow just the same though. LOL Oiy, I'm pathetic.

Blah, *sings* no body likes me, everybody hates me, blah blah blah blah blah... I'm tired and bored and lonely. As I always am. Everynight I come home, and actually wait for a decent time to go to bed. I don't dare go to bed too soon, or I will wake up too early, and it will be even worse in the morning. I'm tired of having to wait until bed time.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mommy loves me!!! I just had to call her to let her know that my friend in Oregon has had her baby. Then I told her about In Harmony, and my new job there, and she got all excited!!! And she said that its because they see how good I am at my job. So take that and stuff it... to those who say that I am not such a good option for my job(s). :-p

Your daemon would definitely be a HAWK! Fierce and
predatory, you usually don't seek the company
of others, instead preferring to find yourself.
You're a very loyal mate, but other than a few
close friends, tend to avoid others. Because of
this, you are often viewed as distant, absent-
minded and relatively apathetic. You'd make an
excellent strategist, however, given your
ability to see the big picture instead of
focusing on details.


What's your inner daemon?
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Always all alone

I wanted/do want the people from work to be my family. They have other people in their lives however, and don't need me, except at work. I feel most comfortable around my brother, but, its really sad that he's the one that I feel the most loved from. Other than my cat. My cat and my brother are on an even keel, everyone else is on the bottom of the totem pole. My own mom doesn't even really like me. If she had to be my friend, she wouldn't. She finds me boring. And I am boring. But my family should still love me right? I want that christmas card picture family kind of love. I'm so freaking messed up it doesn't even feel to go out and seek any kind of relation ship with anyone, not even friend ship. It seems rather sneaky and underhanded to go out and befriend someone because I need someone to share life with. Everything from the big things to the little things. The kind of things friends share, both the happy and the sad. I'v cried a lot today, a lot more than I have in a while. I think part of it is that its September. Part of it is everything else. And part of it is just that I'm insane. Ugh, *sigh* thank god for Freddie, I do't know what I would do without him. I swear, he becomes more affectionate when I'm sad, even when I'm not showing the real signs of it... he knows. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my family, my support, silly to rest so much of that on a cat, but there's no one else who wants it. Whats wrong with me that I'm not worthy of that from other humans. :*(