Une Petit Sanctuary: 2004

You Are "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shifigerator the whole time.

haha

You Are "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.

For you, Christmas is a mix of tradition and fun.
You're not above strapping on a red blinking nose for a laugh.

What Christmas Carol Are You?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

What kind of soul doyou have?

You Are a Traveler Soul

You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move
You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people.
A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world.
You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer.

Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle.
It's difficult for you to make personal commitments.
Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems.
You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think.

Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

hmmm.. fitting

What is Love quiz


megeth is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Umm... I don't get it. :-S

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I'm in Limbo

The Dante's Inferno test said that I was in Limbo, if I where to go to hell right now. Limbo is the first level of hell, right below purgatory. The description of Limbo actually fit my life. The giant blank spot under one of the previous posts is an accident. I was typing, and got up and the pillow ended up resting on the return key... for about 5 minutes. I tried to fix it, but ended up not being able to remove the giant space, so there it will stay.

Dante's Inferno

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Saturday, November 20, 2004

I had a dream...

Last night, I had a hard dream. I dreamt that Cubby had been reincarnated, as himself. It was 26 mths after I lost him (which it actually is), and he was back, even looked the same. I knew it was him, he knew who I was... and once again, I lost him. I tried to save him, but failed him for the second time. As we were in the vets office, even as he lay dying in my arms, I was torn between crying and not being able to cry. I kept telling him that I am so sorry, and begging him to forgive me for not only failing him the first time, but for failing him the second time also. I promised that if he made his wa back to me one more time, I would try even harder and that I would find some way to save him the third time. I felt so guilty, having to put him through that again. After he died, I cried so hard, had this feeling that I am a horrible person for failing to save him again. And now I have spent the day longing for him, craving him. I close my eyes and can almost feel him sitting with me, me plucking the under coat, jogging along behind him on the bike path. I miss him. I like to tell myself, that as the song goes "we will meet again some day, and if not here, than somewhere up above", but some times its really hard to find hope in that. What if I never find him again? Or what if I find him, and get stuck with the same problem. What if I make the same decision? Time has eased the day to day, moment to moment pain, dulled the edge, but I'm scared I will feel like this forever. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I miss him, and there is no way to turn back the clock, get him back, fix what I did. The guilt is so bad tonight, I just don't know how to ease it, or make it better. What did I do? I think this is the first time I'v honestly asked myself that question. I spent the last two years trying not to regret my decision, so although I thought of it, I never really allowed it in. But really, what did I do? Death is so final, so permanent, there is no way to fix it.. even if we may meet again, those are odds even an addicted gambler would avoid. Oh jeepers.

Monday, November 08, 2004

I dreamed a thousand new paths; I woke to walk my old one

Th title is something that someone on my buddy list has changed there name to. Interesting. This has really nothing to do with that, although, I could ramble on for some time about what that means to me. Instead, I want to talk about a dog... Shocking isn't it? This dog,Iris, is a hound. Walker hound or fox hound or some combination of similar hounds, she is tri-color and about 50 lbs. Basicaly like a beagle on stilts. Iris is sweet, good with other dogs,and somewhere inside is happy and playful. On the outside, she is timid and withdrawn. Sometimes that happy silly side appears, but ever so fleetingly. She has been at the shelter since June. She is improving, although, very very slowly. I was thinking of maybe trying to foster her for a little while. If I brought her home every night, she would be getting handled alot more, probably learn to relax in a car, and we could find out how she acts in a house. We are not sure if she was ever allowed to be a house dog before. I would also be able to teach her about behaving in a house, and find ot how she is with cats. I don't know though. First, I would have to talk to my landlady's, as I agree'd no dogs when I moved in. I don't know what they would say. Although, I would definaty make the stipulation that I am not keeping her, and that if she were disruptive or causing trouble, I wouldn't foster her any more. Then, I would have to discuss it with my boss's. I think Wendy would automaticaly frown on the idea, worried about me doing too much, and becoming attatched. And there is the fact tha she is a lot of work to consider, and that my appartment is tiny, and where would I put a crate for her? Plus, my cat will hate her, no matter how nice she is. But anyway, I'm toying with the idea.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

a new template, and some quizzes

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.(If you can't see
tje pics, go to my homepage and look near the
bottom and find your result)

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

src="http:/
You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels. (If
you cannot see the picture, go to my userpage
and look near the bottom. There should be the
picture and description for all the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Stuff

Yesterday, I got home, and about 3 hours later, I had 2 flat tires... like, not a bit flat... we're talking the rims touching the ground totally flat. I had to have both tires replaced this mornin. My boss had taken this little westie puppy that came into the shelter with a major heart problem. He died on sunday night. Dory, aka Angus was only about 6-7 mths old. We have an upper respitory infection going around the shelter, most of the cats are sneezing. 2 of them are really quite sickly. One adult female, Casey, and one 7 wk old male, Thurgood. They both need sub-Q fluids 2 times a day, and medication. Yesterday, we had to resort to force feeding Casey. Today, she ate on her own for the first time in almost a week. My great aunt is dying of colon cancer. I haven't seen her since July of 2003. She only has a few weeks left to live... she ordered that they take out the IV today. She doesn't want to prolong things. I don't know yet whether or not I'm going to go see her. My apartment is cold, colder than the rest of the house.. I think there is something wrong with the heat, but I don't want to mentionanyhing yet until I have had a chance to really clean things up. My keyboard is hard to use. I have to hit the keys hard, like over pronunciating every word. If I try to type too quickly, and don't press hard enough, the letters don't come up. Maybe its time to get a new keyboard. I am lonely.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

To Tammy, regarding "Sandiegozu"

Ok, this is to Tammy who emailed regarding a book I have listed as one of my favorites. I tried to e-mail you, but the email address came back as noreply@ blogger, so, figured this would be the best way to get in touch. I tried looking up info on the book, only to discover that you really can't find anything on it. LOL, Ok, so my next step is to look through my book shelves ( I have 3 that are in complete shambles) until I stumble across it, and then I will put the other information on the book up here, such as author, publisher, copy right date, etc. The other thing is that I'm not sure I spelled the title correctly, and, the title was not done in normal fonts, instead, had been done with the dots and lines and such that you find over some of the characters in the character map on the computer. That could be why its so hard to find information on it. Anyway, just wanted to give you an update that I will look for the book and then get back to you, and if you want me to email you directly, please just send a comment through with your e-mail address on it.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Everyone has an inner light... it is your job to find it...

I changed the screen saver on the shelter computer tonight after everyone left, so when they come in tomorrow... haha, its now light blue, with purple text that says "Everyone has an inner light, it is your job to find it". Hahahahahahahahahaha. Ok, not that that isn't true, but being a shelter worker is a bitter bitter job, and we tend to hate people, and its so easy to get caught up in the hating of people and the loving of animals and blame just assume the majority of the people are either asses, or are idiots. Or, our favorite... a combination of both. So this is a happy thought, one we need to think more often. When I started working at the shelter I was a nice person. Hell, even 2-3 yrs ago, I was a nice person. But, the longer your in this field, the meaner and more bitter you get. I can see the change in me, and I don't like it. So I try to adjust it just a little, to remember some of that hope that I had that allowed me to argue the case of someone who might just need a little understanding, instead of our judgement. It's hard though, with so much built up hostility. Oh well. Today is the 2nd anniversary of loosing Cubby. Although, I don't think that anniversary is the right word. Technically, it is correct, however, anniversary sort of has a happy connotation to it. Oh well. I had a dream last night that a long lost friend commited suicide. I was very sad, because I was trying to reconnect with him. I could have had this dream because this is the 2nd anniversary of Cubby's death, and also, just after the 2nd anniversary of a long lost friend who did commit suicide. And yet, I feel I should call someone who might still know him and just check in. Hmm.. I actually think I will do that now... My landlady who reads tarot cards had given me a reading before.. and she said that often, when you dream of someone who has died, its because they have come to you. So I have to double check... just so I can sleep easier. I dreamt of the same person the night before as well, which is unusual because I have never dreamt of him before, or atleast, not that I can remember. Ok, going now to ease my mind.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Tired... oh so very tired

Hmmmm, Blogger has made some more changes... Interesting.. I think I like.
Anyway, Ugh, I'm tired. And tense. I can feel it all through my arms and legs and neck and back, that tiredness you get not from being physically tired, but just from lack of sleep and stress and being worn thin. I have a pair of kittens that I am bottle feeding, and I think one of them has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. S-he (not sure which yet) has become ultra lethargic and won't eat. Poor lil diddly dot... doesn't even have ears or eyes open yet... just lost the umbilical cord remnant this morning. And usually, when so tiny, there is nothing that you can really do. Just hope for the best.
And, I'v been a fool, and my internet service, my phone, and my credit card are all currently cancelled. They will be turned back on in relatively short order, but I don't know if that means a a few days, a week, a month, or what. Oh well, my own doing. But they will be back again soon.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Lets see if I can get his pictures up now.. hmm here we go..

These hopefully will come up as pictures of my dearly missed Cubby dog.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Wishy washy, So confused

I am sad... I, like almost every one else in the world, long for human companionship... I want someone to love me and all that, blah blah blah.. but here's the thing... I don't actually like people. In general, I think most people are pretty retched. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know if I could live with another person. Ugh, Oiy, blech. Not that it matters much, because I will never find anyone anyway.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Day after day

Day by day by day goes by, just existing, continuing, down the road. The tiredness grows, overtakes everything I do. Always simply waiting, for tomorrow, or the next day, or next month.. waiting for that magic wand, that miracle that will change my life. Just keep plugging on and on, with nothing, towards no goal, no destination. Its not always about the destination, but also about journey, this I know, and yet, am helpless to do anything about it. I have no destination, so therefore, no journey, and yet, have to keep going anyway, for there is not a pause button on life. So instead, I march on blindly, with little acknowledgement of the lives going on around me. How long does this go on for? How far can you go before something comes along to wake you up? What am I waiting for? Why should I have to wait? Life is to be lived, not merely tolerated. And yet, all I can do is try to tolerate it for now. I simply can't live.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Alfred the Turtle

Ok, I think that crazyness is contagious. I have a crazy hamster, a cat who's a bit off, and now, my turtle. Alfred is a painted turtle, and usually eats just about everything he can put in his mouth. Sometime last week, I noticed a little beetly thing in his tank. I figured it got in there somehow accidently, and that wasn't a problem. Well... here's the thing... the beetle is still there! It usually stays on his rock, sometimes accidently falls in the water... and Alfred never eats him. Alfred has a pet. Maybe I should give the beetle a name. LOL There are also a lot of bloodworms in the tank, that Alfred has yet to eat. I don't know if he just too slow, or too lazy to catch them. Strange strange turtle. I mean, he looks for them, acts like he is eating them, but, being a turtle, he is always hungry. Anyway, if he wants to have a pet beetle, he can, I don't mind, so long as the beetle stays in the tank.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

If I only had another 6 months...

If I knew that I could live well and fully for another 6 months.. and then I would just cease to exist, what would I do with my time?
I would go swimming.
I would walk a dog
I would ride a horse
I would go to the aquarium
I would go to the zoo
I would tell my family how I feel about them
I would speak my mind
I would watch the sun rise
I would watch teh sun set
I would go to the bar and flirt shamelessly
I would ride a bike fast down a hill
I would go swim with dolphins
I would go canoeing
I would go camping
I would laugh heartily
I would eat some really really sinful desserts
I would snuggle with someone
I would party hearty
I would get a tattoo
and of course, I would be going sky diving, bunji jumping...
I would.. take a trip to the rain forest
I would kayak among orca's
I would go dancing and sing karaoke, like no one else is around
I would live
I would not tolerate people who made me feel bad
Thats what I would do if I had 6 months to live... Or atleast... thats what I hope I would do. What would you do?

Monday, May 31, 2004

Some more (bigger) changes in Bloggerworld

Seems this Blogger thing is still changing itself. Been seeing differeing things here and there since I started this Blog, and this time, they have changed a lot, fast. I like it. More choices for the templates again, which is great, because for a while, they were kind of stingy about them. I like to change things up on occassion, and there were only a couple of options. I don't know a whole heck of a lot about changing the template custom like, so I was sort of stuck. So yep, I like these dots. Alrighty, my fingers hurt. Fred doesn't feel well, this worries me. He had a semi-blocked bladder yesterday, emergency trip to 24 hour vet clinic got it unblocked temporarily, but he seems to be having the same issue today. Hopefully, we can get to see his regular vet tomorrow. He has to come to work with me tomorrow though, just so I can keep an eye on him. My poor lil Freddie.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Unconstitutional??? Which constitution are you reading?

Ok, so there is all this todo about Gay Marriage, or the lack there of. I, for one, am totally for it. But here's what I don't understand. All of the people who are against it. With so much hate in the world, why would we prevent someone from loving someone else? And who gets to define what a family is? Why should it be that the only family that counts is the nuclear family? How many of you grew up in the nuclear family, of a mom, a dad, and 2 kids? I didn't. I lived in a home with my mom, my brother, my aunt, my 2 cousins, and my grandfather. Oh yeah, and at one point, a friend of my aunt's as well who needed a place to stay. We were and still are a family. We work hard, telling children that its ok if they live with mom, or dad, or grandma, or grand dad, or an aunt, or uncle, or any combination of the above. So that they don't feel like there is something wrong with their family. But now, they want to make a constitutional amendment that says that family's with 2 men or 2 women don't count. Ok, and the constitution was written to give people the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In the constitution, it also stipulates that a legal document in one state MUST be honored in all states. So, that means, if I have a CA drivers license, I am allowed to drive in OR. It also means, that if I marry someone in MO, I'm am still considered married in OH. So when CT said it was against their constitution to honor gay marriages done in MA, their constitution is AGAINST the MAIN CONSTITUTION! WHICH IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!!

Friday, April 30, 2004

Just a little poem

I don't know who wrote this, I got it in e-mail. (yes, one of those ones that say you have to send it to more people or you have no friends, but thats besides the point) The point is, that I do like the little poem, so I'm putting it here.
If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you
and share with you its beauty

On the days you're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,

A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding

are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,

A friend who's always there.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Am I what? Ohh... Can you define that first?

People ask me if I'm happy, I ask them to define "Happy" for me. If people ask if I like my job (or tell me that I do, cus I get that A LOT) I usually tell them yes, or nod in agreement. But sometimes, I wonder. I ask other people if they like their jobs. Because I wonder. I don't know if I like my job or not. Sometimes I there are good moments, sometimes there are bad moments, and sometimes, I just don't feel it. I wonder, Do I like my job, and just dislike the bad parts, or do I dislike my job, and just like the good bits? Or maybe, maybe, I'm just still undecided. the jury is still out, I'm still on the fence. I think my situation is sort of unique, because I'm told all the time "wow, you must LOVE working here." However, I work there because I love animals, and love it when animals love me. I do not work there because I like spending so much time on the computer, doing paperwork, on the phone, talking to people who are difficult or JUST DON'T GET IT!!!, cleaning up dog/cat waste, doing laundry, scrubbing walls, doing dishes, sweeping floors, having most of the animals start their trip to the shelter by hating me because of all that I represent, feeling the heartbreaking sadness of when something goes wrong, and an animal can't find a home, turning away dozens upon dozens of animals at the door, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. Looking at that list, there are far more things going against working there, than there are keeping me working at the shelter. However, size and length aren't everything, and yes, I will give you a moment to drag your minds out of the gutter. Really now. :-p Just because the con list is longer than the pro list, does not mean that the cons outweigh the pro's. There are other things to add to the pro list I'm sure, I just wasn't intending on making a list. Just on the general track of, I'm not sure. I don't really know if I would like or dislike other jobs better. Blah, I dunno.

Music has such an effect...

Why does my heart... feel so bad, Why does my soul... feel so bad...
I went to a conference yesterday about animal sheltering. One of the workshops was put on by one of the agents on "Animal Precinct", and he had a short video, that was just faces of animals that were in need of help... and it had a song playing in, and the above were the lyrics. The faces were sad enough, the music really added a kick to it though. A few tears escaped. One of my coworkers was trying real hard to control her crying, she almost had to get up and leave. If I had been alone, I would have just sobbed, hard core. Such sadness.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Is it really THAT bad?

It sound's strange, but I think life is easier to live when your depressed and suicidal. Atleast, it is once your there and able to tolerate it, as compared to if you get out of that state, and are sitting there going, ok, so now what do I do, think, feel? Life seems far too long to actually live it. This guy that I knew from school, and I know his younger brother, shot himself in the head not too long ago. When I heard, I was going back and forth between thinking, I wonder what pushed him over the edge, and wondering why I didn't have the guts to just go for it already. My heart goes out so much for him, and for his brother. This is 3 people I'v known in the last couple years that have killed themselves. There is this guy that comes into my aunt's restaurant, who's in really poor health. Like 400 lbs, insulin dependant diabetic, and just eats everything he wants. He told her that if he had known he was going to live so long, he would have taken better care of himself. I think I'm kind of in that same boat. Why do the necessary things if I'm hopefully just going to die soon. Then I won't have to worry about it. But, this is after 3 yrs of thinking like this, I realize, the out isn't nearly as fast and easy as I was hoping. There is just too much to consider. I just want a magic wand to make everything ok, on the outside and on the inside. Another 50 yrs is just too long to be fighting this, thinking like this, living like this.

Monday, April 05, 2004

TV Characters or our Friends?

Tv is so strange. We find a show we like, and we tune in... every week, same time, same place, like a date with old friends. We do this through the length of the show, and when they tell us that the show is ending, the series is over... we become sad. We allow these fictional characters into our lives, and we try to keep dates with them, and we laugh, cry, cheer, get angry, etc, right along with them, always the hidden observer. Such a strange, interesting concept. And often, while we are tuned in to a show, we are tuned out to the majority of the rest of the world. As if we really are in the scene. Oddness.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Oh yeah, one more thing...

Ok, one more thing, I forgot... If it's illegal to have a same sex marriage.. who decides what defines a man or a woman... Some people are born of both genders, and are assigned a gender... sometimes, they assign the wrong gender. Also, if you get married, and then your spouse gets a sex change... does that anull the marriage, even if you want to stay married? Who decides this?

To Marry or not to marry, that is the question...

Ok, so in Massachussetts, the supreme court found it unconstitutional to not allow couples of the same sex to marry. So they gave the state until May to make provisions to allow same sex couples to marry, and have the same type of marriage that heterosexual couples have. So now, there is a bill to make a constitutional amendment, so that same sex marriages can legally be outlawed. If it passes, this will be the first time there will be an amendment to the constitution to take rights away from a group of people, instead of to give rights to people. People who are against homosexual marriage have one common thought... "Because Marriage is between a man and a woman, it always has been... its never been done before.. thats not what we hold in moral standards..." etc. Notice the lack of real, concrete arguments. People have a right to life, liberty, and to seek happiness... by not allowing couples to get married, you are interferring with that seeking happiness bit. You are also denying rights to a specific segment of the population. It goes against everything that our country was supposed to be built on. A seperation of church and state. People need to get a clue. Everyone is supposed to be treated the same. This is not supposed to be a country of "Everyone is equal EXCEPT (anyone that we don't approve of, for any reason)"..., Instead, this is supposed to be a country of "All men are created equal"... We have decided that this means men, women, people of all races, colors, religious beliefs, so on and so forth... Why people can't see this, I just don't know. Open your minds. In a world so full of hate and war and death and killing and rage, why are we going to make it harder for anyone who loves anyone?

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

...And life goes on, every minute, every hour, every day

Time's just a train, rolling down the tracks, every minute is a boxcar... you can't get back... Take a look around you, It's all gonna change, whatever you see, It's never gonna stay the same....
No matter what happens, what life throws our way, what buildings fall down, what part of the world gets blown up, our lives just keep going. The clock keeps ticking, the sun sets and then rises again in the morning, no matter what. There is no stopping it, not for a week, a day, an hour, a minute, a second... In times of real sadness, we "take a moment of silence", but its only a moment, and even while some of us may be taking a moment, most other people are not... their lives are still marching ahead, and when the moment is over, so will ours. This something that everyone knows, that you can't stop the clock, that you can't stop your life, take a time out, but I wonder how many people ACTUALLY REALIZE it. Even though we actually know it. We tell people with a broken heart, "It's ok, you will feel better, you will get over it, Time heals all wounds" etc. But even saying it, being told it, sometimes, we don't really think about it, don't really understand all the implications. Sometimes these realizations just hit me like, omg, I always knew that but I never knew it at the same time. Oiy, I'm just crazy.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Is there anyone out there?

A bunch of people online, and the only ones here are the ones I don't speak to. Not necessarily because I won't speak to them, more because they don't speak to me... its kind of this circle thing. It's been a while since I'v posted. Blah, things are the same as every it seems, the way they have always been, the way they will always be. I got a hamster. You know, because, you can never have too many pets inside a match book sized apartment. I also got 4 fish. Zebra fish. Nemo, Omen, Nome, Meno. The hamster is named Liberty Peanut. I was somehow firmly under the impression that getting a few more pets would fill up that gap. Blah, it didn't work, I know this doesn't work, I don't know why I'm always so sure it will. Liberty Peanut is absolutely certain that she can chew her way through the bars of her cage. No luck so far. I wonder if she is unhappy in there, or if she just does it because it is fun. I hope she is not unhappy. I used to know that work was my sanctuary. It was where I went to make the world better. To make my life better. I would wake up and want to be there. The day would end, and I would want to go back. Want to sleep there, to never leave. Its no longer like that. Hasn't been like that for me for a long time now. A lot of reasons why I guess, I just don't know what to do now that there are no places I want to be. It makes me sad. My Fred makes me happy... ish. He brings more joy to me than almost anyone or anything else. I spent last weekend in NYC, meeting friends... it was so nice. It was natural. On my way home I thought, wow, if anything in life could be like this I probably wouldn't be depressed. I understand that life is not "all rainbows and butterflies, its compromise", but where in the rule book does it say that you should have to work so darn happy to not want to shoot yourself in the head? Some days are good, not bad at all, but in the end, when everything is said and done, I always have this to fall back on, back into. To sink back into the depths of my own black hole. I wish the blackness would just be swift and swallow me up completely, don't give me a chance to fight it, but for some reason, I guess I always do. Fight it that is. It's like a reflex, something that I can't help. I understand that my life is not that bad, there is nothing in it that should make me wallow so much in the mud pit, people all over the world have things so much worse than I do, and they don't want to stop the fight.To each his own I guess.

Friday, February 06, 2004

No news is good news, so all news is bad news... so it seems

11 o'clock rolls around and the late news comes on... on three different channels, flipping amoungst the three... and all of the news is bad. Night after night, day after day... Fire here, illness there, war here, drugs there, abductions here, murder there.. etc... over and over and over and over again. The whole world is hopeless. And one little action causes reactions all over the place. No man is an island... everything that we do affects so many others. In the world there are only like 7-8 degrees of seperation... so, in other words... i know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows ANYone. So, If I have a horrid day at work, and tell someone about it... that affects there mood, which then goes onto affect everyone else. Theres so much pain, so much sadness, what are we supposed to do with it all?? Just suck it up, plug along, one day at a time, lonely and afraid... for years and years and years... I'm positively baffled by anyone who manages to not be suicidal in this life.

What I want most in life

Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.

PLEASE RATE

What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
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.... hmm, seems to be right.

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^

What kind of dark person are you?
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This is the quiz

Youre gonna be attacked by a ridiculously small
animal and bleed to death

Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
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Sunday, February 01, 2004

Superbowl Sunday

It's only a few minutes left in the game, and the game almost is tied. I'm hoping the Patriots win, but now I don't know. Sitting here, alone, with my cat, watching the game... haha, one of the best parts is the commercials... I really like these public service announcements, then again, I'v always liked public service announcements for some strange reason. I guess I just think that something as simple as commercials against harmful things shouldn't really be considered commercials. Would be nice if the tv stations or whoever controls the tv air waves would donate time to those announcements on a daily basis. If we drum it into peoples heads, then maybe they will get the message. My favorite one is the one about the glass popsicles... its a parody on the ciggarett commercials.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Theres more than one way to ... kill a pig.. or roast a duck.. no wait, its skin a cat

Nothing's gonna change my world...
Theres just this deep sadness that runs through me for some reason. And I feel it even on good days. And even though today had no reason to be a bad day, I found myself sitting here, crying, thinking about starting a first draft of a suicide note. And then, that led to me wondering how many asprin it would take to do me in, and what the most lethal combination of pills would be, if I were to run to the store right now. So that it wouldnt look suspicious. I was thinking a big bottle of asprin, and a box of sleeping pills. And then, I could run to a different store, and pick up some other things. And in the morning, no one would know. And sunday, probably no one would know. Maybe on monday.... Maybe not for even longer. So I came online, and noone was on, so I went looking on petfinder.. which led me to a website that had job positions for this other shelter on it. And, I ended up emailing the shelter. I also got this email from this guy that saw my profile on a server, and I emailed him back also. There are many reasons why people commit suicide. And there are the people who kill themselves, and then the people who "never end their mortal life", but instead, stop living. I have done that. I have stopped everything except mere existance. I didn't mean to go looking for a new job, but, I guess its a cpr to my failing hope.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Words to live by

"keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring"-Tom Hanks, Cast away
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Do or die

Something has to change, I can't keep going like this. I'm back to not getting up except to go to work. Try to pull the pillows over my head and sleep as long as possible on the one day that I have off, not because I'm tired, but because I can't get up. Its so hard to do normal things, so hard to drag myself around. Last time it was like this, I merely reinforced my addiction to the shelter, going there every day. I'm drawn to do this again. But I don't want to. First of all, I get in trouble. And second, now, even that is getting hard. I don't know. I know that I have to figure out how to change it though. I don't want to be a train wreck any more. I want to get it all pulled together, and keep it together this time. When I moved it was almost easy. I got up, made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned .. it took only about 20 minutes. At this point, it will take about 4 hours to clean up my apartment, everything is a disaster. And that just makes it worse. I had been hodling it together, and then it all just fell apart. This little bit here, that little bit there, and then next thing I knew, it was insanity again. But I have to get it together, because I can't live like this any more. I have figure it out. I need something to put it back together. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH something something something has to work, has to get it together, another 50 yrs is way to long to live like this.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Tuesday, December 21, 2004