It would seem that something or other has to make up for my complete lack of a life, and has decided not to allow me to live the most mundane existance ever. Its been another exciting few days for the Meganator, in the lovely land of Megville.
Wednesday I broke my right index finger trying to walk a dog. Like, really broke. The middle segment. The exray is pretty cool. I got to keep it. I have to to go to an orthopedic doctor on monday to have it set. Hopefully it hasn't already began to heal. It has to stay splinted until then. Makes typing difficult, so don't mind the typo's.
after I got out of the hospital, I had a zoning committee meeting to go to for the shelter. We lost, and so have to sell the land we bought and try to build a new shelter somewhere else. Add one more year onto how long it will take us to get into a new building.
Today, I was supposed to go to a city in MA with a dog to go on 103.7 WFNX. I'ts a radio station that covers parts or all of 5 New England states. The dog and I got lost in the city, and spent two hours walking around trying to find the studio. We never did find it. blah

Another resolution (because one can never have enough things to try and do all at once) is... err, wait. hold on I forgot......... Oh yeah, To be more outspoken, to speak my mind when I think I need to. To say something when there is a problem, and it would be beneficial to speak up.

Alright, so I was cleaning my room, putting things away and the usual stuff that one does while cleaning... and I had this shirt that (yes i know, Still, because the dog has been dead for almost four, yes count them four, months) has some Cubby fur on it. The last time I went to put this shirt on, I saw that it had the fur on it, and I folded it back up, and put it back on top of the drawer. (Things were crazy, I don't have enough room, and was in the middle of trying to get ready for something so it didn't end up back in the drawer) I could't throw out the hair. I just couldn't do it. Today, as I was cleaning, I was putting all of my clothes in the drawers. (because I do actually know that thats where they really belong, not piled on top of the dresser or in a heap on the floor next to the bed) I came to that shirt and held it up and looked at it for a moment. I went to fold it up and put it away (with the fur still on it) and I paused and looked at Cubby's picture for a minute. Then I layed the shirt on my bed, and used a piece of tape to pick up the Cubby hair. There were only a few strands, not like a lock of hair or anything. I folded up the tape, and just sort of held it for a minute. Touched the hair, closed my eyes and pictured the dog, imagined wrapping my arms around him and burrying my face in his neck, and remember what that felt like. I let out a deep sigh and put the hair and tape in the garbage. Folded the shirt and put it away. It will be 4 months next Thursday. And I think, I just might get through this ok after all. Everything really might be ok.

I have a $100 gift certificate to spend at a local cd store. Woohoo. Especially since all of my cd's had been stolen. I mean, I have since bought a few, but I do miss some of the cd's I had before. Ahh Jack Johnson. Lol just came on the radio. Totally have to rebuy this one. Anyway, music plays a big part in how we feel. I mean, at one point, when I was not feeling right ( because quite frankly I never feel exactly right), but before I lost my "logic" that kept things almost ok, I would listen to the most depressing cd's I had. They would make me cry and cry and cry. Finally after doing this for about 2 months, I just couldn't take it any more, and every logical thought that I had that was a reason to hope for things to get better left me and I spent the next year fighting just waiting things out. I was literally waiting until I had finished what I had to. Scary. Anyway, these depressing cd's not only made me more depressed, but I also liked them, do like them. Do I buy them again? I mean, I liked the music, the songs. Do I dare listen to them again, knowing how addicting that feeling of dispair can be? I know, I sound like a psycho but what can I say.

Ok, so my cousin is supposed to get married in October of 2004. Because no matter what I say, I can't do things For me, I have to have some other reason to do them, I have now grabbed onto this date. Its my..... er whats the word, I swear I loose an IQ point every day... err. oh yeah, motivation. So this wedding, which is a year and a half away, is my motivation to become beautiful, in my own eyes. (a true impossibility I know, however I can atleast get closer) Its my reason for continuing to go to the gym, and to follow this stupid evil low carb diet properly the way that the book says so that I can eventually get off of it completely and no longer have food issues. I want to be a stunning maid of honor, and not have to feel entirely self concious while dealing with dress fittings and such. Because, quite frankly, taylors of dresses are not the friendliest people. My friend was in a wedding, and the taylors yelled at her because when she tried the dress on with a wonder bra, they still thought her boobs didn't sit properly. They poke and prod and tell you you have too much here and too little there and whatnot. I mean, they are the taylor, there comes a point where you have run out of time to make your body into that of barbie and its the taylors job to make the dress look good on you. Mean evil people.

I know I need balance in my life, and I am slowly trying to get it. Have to work at these things a little at a time. Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, trying to get my rabbit to like me after clipping his nails, thinking about work. Planning some of the things we would talk about on the radio show at the end of the month. Today is my day off. I could have been thinking of so many other things. So I am in the middle of imagining myself at work and my aunt calls and I answer the phone "hello Megen speaking, animal rescue League, can I help you...(pause, giggle) no wait this isnt the Animal Rescue League, I'm sorry, I mean, uh Hello?" Now my aunt is like "haha I was confused for a second because I was pretty sure I had called the house..." D'oh. I just don't know any more man. I just don't know.

I was cleaning my room, because in order to stay clean and organized (one of my resolutions) you have to get clean and organized. Lol. Anyway, So I am trying to put all of these books that I bought and haven't yet read away, which is nearly impossible, because quite frankly I am out of space. And each time I pull a book out of the bags, I go oh yeah! I can't wait to read this! There are so many things I want to read. Once or twice I had wondered what I would do with my spare time after I read all of the books that I wanted too. (Yes I know, what a stupid thought) Then I realized, I will never run out of books to read. There will always be a new book written, always be a book that I hadn't gotten too. And if by some miracle, I couldn't find any new books that I wanted to read, I have so many books, I could just read some of them again. I mean, thats why I like to own all of them. So I can go back whenever I want and read it again. I would so love to have a house with a "library" in it. A nice, warm, cozy room with just shelves and shelves to keep all of the books on. Woohoo, now that I have so many things that I want to read again, it shouldn't be hard to avoid the television.

Dude, it changes colors while you sit there and watch it! I didn't know that before lol

Sometimes I really am just dumbfounded with how people can be. I just want to take them and ask "Can't you see? Why don't you open your eyes and look? Why don't you get it?"
I once read something that made sense, and I try to remember it sometimes. Something along the lines of : You can't change all the world for all of the animals, however, if you save just one animal, surely you have changed the world for that one animal.
Its something I try to hold onto tightly when I feel the walls closing in.
I was reading "Readers Digest" while waiting in the vets office to speak to the vet regarding a cat at the shelter, when I came across a page of quotes. One of them definately caught my eye.
"You can't be top notch at work, if work is all you are in life" Meaning of course, that you need some balance. You can do better if you can get your mind off your job, and your job off your mind for a few hours every now and again. I dream about work. I think about it always. Even when I am thinking about something else entirely, there is usually something about work floating around inside my head.

My cousin officially got engaged today. Her long time boyfriend, Steve, gave her his grandmothers ring after he got it back from the jewelers. It had been sized for Kristina, my cousin. So she comes over and tells us and shows us the ring (very pretty), and tells me that I am going to be the maid of honor. I was so suprised. Everyone thought I already knew. Meanwhile, I didn't even think I would be in the wedding at all. I figured I would be invited out of sheer politeness. Wowzers, I am shocked. And also very excited. Woohoo. And its funny because I was sitting in my room, moping and reading and listening to sad music because I felt lonely and unloved. How strange.