Theres more than one way to ... kill a pig.. or roast a duck.. no wait, its skin a cat

Nothing's gonna change my world...
Theres just this deep sadness that runs through me for some reason. And I feel it even on good days. And even though today had no reason to be a bad day, I found myself sitting here, crying, thinking about starting a first draft of a suicide note. And then, that led to me wondering how many asprin it would take to do me in, and what the most lethal combination of pills would be, if I were to run to the store right now. So that it wouldnt look suspicious. I was thinking a big bottle of asprin, and a box of sleeping pills. And then, I could run to a different store, and pick up some other things. And in the morning, no one would know. And sunday, probably no one would know. Maybe on monday.... Maybe not for even longer. So I came online, and noone was on, so I went looking on petfinder.. which led me to a website that had job positions for this other shelter on it. And, I ended up emailing the shelter. I also got this email from this guy that saw my profile on a server, and I emailed him back also. There are many reasons why people commit suicide. And there are the people who kill themselves, and then the people who "never end their mortal life", but instead, stop living. I have done that. I have stopped everything except mere existance. I didn't mean to go looking for a new job, but, I guess its a cpr to my failing hope.

Words to live by

"keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring"-Tom Hanks, Cast away
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Do or die

Something has to change, I can't keep going like this. I'm back to not getting up except to go to work. Try to pull the pillows over my head and sleep as long as possible on the one day that I have off, not because I'm tired, but because I can't get up. Its so hard to do normal things, so hard to drag myself around. Last time it was like this, I merely reinforced my addiction to the shelter, going there every day. I'm drawn to do this again. But I don't want to. First of all, I get in trouble. And second, now, even that is getting hard. I don't know. I know that I have to figure out how to change it though. I don't want to be a train wreck any more. I want to get it all pulled together, and keep it together this time. When I moved it was almost easy. I got up, made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned .. it took only about 20 minutes. At this point, it will take about 4 hours to clean up my apartment, everything is a disaster. And that just makes it worse. I had been hodling it together, and then it all just fell apart. This little bit here, that little bit there, and then next thing I knew, it was insanity again. But I have to get it together, because I can't live like this any more. I have figure it out. I need something to put it back together. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH something something something has to work, has to get it together, another 50 yrs is way to long to live like this.