Is there anyone out there?

A bunch of people online, and the only ones here are the ones I don't speak to. Not necessarily because I won't speak to them, more because they don't speak to me... its kind of this circle thing. It's been a while since I'v posted. Blah, things are the same as every it seems, the way they have always been, the way they will always be. I got a hamster. You know, because, you can never have too many pets inside a match book sized apartment. I also got 4 fish. Zebra fish. Nemo, Omen, Nome, Meno. The hamster is named Liberty Peanut. I was somehow firmly under the impression that getting a few more pets would fill up that gap. Blah, it didn't work, I know this doesn't work, I don't know why I'm always so sure it will. Liberty Peanut is absolutely certain that she can chew her way through the bars of her cage. No luck so far. I wonder if she is unhappy in there, or if she just does it because it is fun. I hope she is not unhappy. I used to know that work was my sanctuary. It was where I went to make the world better. To make my life better. I would wake up and want to be there. The day would end, and I would want to go back. Want to sleep there, to never leave. Its no longer like that. Hasn't been like that for me for a long time now. A lot of reasons why I guess, I just don't know what to do now that there are no places I want to be. It makes me sad. My Fred makes me happy... ish. He brings more joy to me than almost anyone or anything else. I spent last weekend in NYC, meeting friends... it was so nice. It was natural. On my way home I thought, wow, if anything in life could be like this I probably wouldn't be depressed. I understand that life is not "all rainbows and butterflies, its compromise", but where in the rule book does it say that you should have to work so darn happy to not want to shoot yourself in the head? Some days are good, not bad at all, but in the end, when everything is said and done, I always have this to fall back on, back into. To sink back into the depths of my own black hole. I wish the blackness would just be swift and swallow me up completely, don't give me a chance to fight it, but for some reason, I guess I always do. Fight it that is. It's like a reflex, something that I can't help. I understand that my life is not that bad, there is nothing in it that should make me wallow so much in the mud pit, people all over the world have things so much worse than I do, and they don't want to stop the fight.To each his own I guess.