Alone and adrift

Kind of feeling lonely and lost at the moment. I've been eating like crazy to try to stave off feelings for like a month now, not good. It started before that, heck, it's been going on my whole life, but then it kind of came to a head and that was like jumping off the dock instead of sliding down a slippery slope. I need to stop eating, I need to exercise. I need to figure out a way to work with these feelings. I need to figure out how I can become content, happy. But can one be content and happy and still strive for self improvement? I feel like thats one of those mind bending/emptying questions, for meditation... like, if a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound, or what came first, the chicken or the egg. Only this is my life,not some arbitrary question to make one's mind go blank. Can you be content with yourself, love yourself, and still strive for self improvement? Can you find the area between being a bitch and a doormat? How come I can't be not a bitch and not a doormat, but I seem to sometimes fall into both at once? Why can't I be content to be alone? I swear, I've been lonely my whole life. I feel so numb, so middle of the road,so average in the not good way. Like... I'm gray. No color, no personality, no fun, no entertainment. I'm so not spontaneous, but I'm also not a planner. Am I the most lazy person on the planet? I mean, like, I can't even get up the umph to be silly and have personality, or to plan things for my life... I just wait for things to fall in my lap, or for others to do things for me, or to give me a huge shove. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??? Nothing in my life was traumatic enough to cause me to be this broken. I don't have any physical scars, people weren't overly mean to me, just the normal level of meanness I guess. It couldn't have been that horrible, right?