I'v been waking up sad the last..... few days..... maybe into the last week or two. Thats how it starts, I find myself sad when I wake up, and then it continues to follow me into the rest of the day. Then it starts waking me up randomly in the early early morning, between 2:30 and 5:30, just wake up crying, depressed. Waiting and hoping morning will come soon so I can get up and be active and pretend to forget about it. Then I won't be able to drive without crying. And then I will be depressed everytime I am not immediately doing something else, smiling, pretending to be ok. Thats where the cycle goes. I'm not really sure how to prevent it, how to stop it in the phase its in, how to reverse it, or skip ahead to the being numb and being "ok" part. How to skip all the bad steps in between. I don't know what it is that has me waking up sad. I just know that when my alarm clock goes off, and I get up and am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and doing whatever it is that I do before going to work, I am sad. I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do before everything is really completely and totally hunky dory and dandy. Just down right ducky. Maybe real people never actually get to that part. But I think, I think, I believe that there are people who don't do this. Who are ok almost constantly. And I think that those people are actually the rule, not the exception. But I'm not sure. And I don't know how to find out. And even if I did find out, what would that mean? Probably nothing. Then I would just know for a fact that I am screwed up instead of normal, which is simply an opinion, a belief instead of a fact at this point.

I was at work on Tuesday, and two people came in and asked me "what happened to that chow", referring to Cubby. And both people remembered me as the girl who wanted to adopt him, who was so in love with him, that he was always introduced to everyone as "Megen's dog". Both people who I hadn't seen since last summer when they came into the shelter, both came in at different times on the same day. And both asked about "that chow". One lady just looked at me and said she doesn't know how I can live with so much sadness everyday. I found thta very interesting. And then 15 minutes later an older couple came in and told me how "it must be soooo much fun to work here". I was exasperated, and just sort of looked at them funny and was like.. Uhhh, well I guess sometimes. I didn't know how to tell them how sad it can be, how tiring and frustrating and all consuming it can be. Oh well, I Possibly messed up by not just going, "yeah its great I love it", and by not being able to expalin why I wasn't saying that. *shrugs* I am fostering these three 4 wk old kittens for my landladies. They are living in a spare bunny cage in the livingroom/bedroom, for the last coupble of days. I let them out for play time when I am home. Freddie hated them at first, and now he is on the floor trying to play with them. It's pretty cute.

Ok, so more on what I was saying earlier, as I was so kindly interrupted. My whole life would be different, and I would still be looking to fill some void, that Freddie, Gita, and Cubby simply couldn't fill. I would not be able to volunteer 3 days a week at the farm, I wouldn't have been able to move out, I wouldn't have a good relationship with my cat. I wouldn't have been able to go to the conference for work, or to any of the parties that I have since gone to. I wouldn't have been able to go to friends houses for the night, and I wouldn't be able to ... do a lot of different things. I miss him. I feel guilty about not adopting him. I have his picture framed on top of my computer monitor. It's the only picture I have that is framed or on display. I hesitate to get attached to any other animals. But I understand how different things would be if I had adopted him. Just something I have been thinking about. May 16th will be the 8th month since he was euthanized. Destroyed. I just don't know.

I was thinking, if I had adopted the dog, my dog, The Cubby-Bear Dog, my whole life would revolve around taking care of him, and keeping him safe, as well as keeping him out of situations where he could possibly be aggressive.