There is this ... want to self destruct I guess that is always threatening to over take me. To just curl up somewhere half out of consciousness forever. You know that feeling that you get when your laying on the beach or something? And your yees are closed, and your warm, and you can hear everything going on around you, but it all seems so far away, and your kind of drifiting around aimlessly inside your head, inside your own little world. Sometimes I want to succumb to that, and make that everlasting. To never have to come too. To just stop existing. I don't feel this way nearly as often as I did, but its still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and catch me by suprise. I took Freddie out on his harness again today. I knew I shouldn't have trusted it. I was carrying him and he was ok, but then there was just too much sensory input and he began to panic. So I put him down and tried to press him to the ground, but I wasn't quick enough, and he hit the end of his leash and gave a quick wriggle and was out of the harness. He went aoround the front of the house and got up on the step, but when I approached he got off the step, looking for another door I guess. I quickly unlocked the door and whistled, Thankfully he came back and saw the open door and darted inside. I almsot lost him. He could have run into the road, or gone over the fence, or gone into the back yard with all the other animals. I could have spent the next week trying to locate him, and keeping an eye out on the road to make sure he wasn't catsplat-crow treats. Oiy. It was scary.

Cudo's to Jen for the test here.... how the hell I got this response I haven't got any clue. LOL

Hey dude, you are the typical stoner kid. Put down
the bong and pick up a book once in a while.
Try the Yellow Pages --look up Rehab.


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
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Ok, One more for today. Although these are going to post with this one first, and the other two following it, but if you flip todays around, this would be the last one, not the first. Anyway.
I have taken over the grooming of my landladies horse, Teddy. Today I had to bathe him. It went pretty well. It took me like nearly two hours to bathe and brush him though. I was freaking out there forever. But thats ok. I feel so at peace when I am working on horses. To the point where, even now that I have regular contact with them, when I drive past the different horses on the way to my mom's house, I want to stop and be with them. I don't know why they put me at such peace. Maybe I should find a way to work directly with horses. Its gotta be a hard field to break into (as is any) without any real, quality experience or training. And its another job that I am sure can be hard on the body and on the mind, depending on what the horses you work with are used for. And the only way to make any money in the field is probably to be in the business end of it, or the management end of it, where you will spend more time doing paperwork and dealing with people than you will dealing with the horses directly. I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as a perfect career for me. LOL. *shrugs* Oh well. Too bad so sad I guess. I'll get over it. I always seem to. hahaha

I saw HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES today with my little brother. Oh man, what a creepy movie. Definatly an original. LOL, I'm not saying it was bad, I'm not saying it was good, I'm saying it was... interesting. I don't mind horror or suspense, but this one had me going, "Oh jeepers" and covering my mouth through half of it. Why my mouth and not my eyes or ears?? I dun have the slightest clue. LOL, oiy I know, I'm odd.

I want to know how its possible that I get charged and additional $10 in taxes on my phone bill, which is only $13? So my bill, which would only be $13 turns out to be $23, for unlimited local calling, (which I don't even use, but its mandatory to have). And then I have my long distance bill, haha which is only like $5. Ugh, thats the one that I will actually use. I just don't get it. Shtupid phone company. Or maybe we are all the shtupid ones, and they are the smart ones, for getting us to pay for what we don't even want.

I went and saw Phone Booth last nigt. It was pretty good. Its the first movie that I have seen probably in over a year where I didn't check my watch. LOL. Apparenlty I am extremely antsy during movies usually, to the point where my friend was wondering if I simply didn't like watching movies. I like to watch movies. I guess I just don't like to sit still. LOL I think I might try Freddie outside on a harness tomorrow. Depending on the weather, and depending on how he does if I let him out into the hall on it first. Litltle baby steps, or I could screw it up and he could get spooked and he could take off. I don't trust the harness mroe than 75%. The rest has got to be me being able to keep him ok and in control. Its a lot easier to walk a dog than a cat. LOL. Atleast if you have a dog spook on leash you can usually work through it without being attacked. If Freddie spooks I will have to try to catch him, and if he is scared enough he may very well tear me up. I don't know. Maybe I will start with Gita, as Gita is much easier. And tends to be much less nervouse. I also trust Gita's harness more, because Rabbits are not as adept at getting out of harness's as cats are. I'm taking care of my landladies horse now. I went out on wednesday alone, and the cow didn't try to kill me. Woohoo. I had to groom the horse in his stall because it was raining, and the fur tends to stick a lot more if it is wet. Plus, it takes like an hour, and when I went out there, he was already in his stall. I didin't want to drag him outside and make him stand in the rain for an hour. Poor old thing.