The best or was that the worst?

In a moment of down and outness (completely uncommon for me, I know) (I was being sarcastic there) I was saying some self depreciating things, kind of in a joking tone. Even though It was said in a joking sort of way, the person I was chatting with picked up on it. And then he told me something which, at that point, made me cry, but also kind of made me think. He said "you are the best person in your life", I replied with "lol, then I am in a heck of a lot of trouble". In the coming days however, its kind of made me think about a couple things. My first thoughts where how messed up I am. How I'm depressive and not even sure I want to be happy, especially not if I have to work at it. How can I be the best person if I am so messed up? It made me think, "oh great, then who am I supposed to look up to?" If I'm the best person in my life, that means everyone else in my life is really messed up. Then I began to think about the other people in my life, the other people that don't want to be in my life any more than they absolutely have to be. My mom, who really is atleast as messed up as I am, if not more so. I mean, she was/is a leading cause in my "messed up factor". My brother is so far a fairly normal kid, despite the fact he is twice as big as every other 13 yr old and has a severe heart condition. But, he's also only 13. And I can see the patterns starting in him. I hope the depression and self doubt and self hatred won't be nearly as bad in him as it is in both me and my mother. But with me and my mother as the two main adults in his life, there's not really anyone to show him what its like to be normal. Theres my boss at work, who is an unwed mother, and wants nothing to do with me outside of work, and there are the other people at work, who may or may not have things just as bad, but still have no other use for me, other than at work. There are a lot of people who ar eonly partially, in my life at the bare minimum. And don't want anything else out of me than what they can take and make use of. They just don't want the rest of it. I don't really blame them, and I tend to eventually turn away from, or drive away anyone who may want the rest of it. So am I the best person in my life? Maybe I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. I am both my own best friend, and at the same time, my own worst enemy. I wish I could be one or the other, instead of both all the time. It seems to make life harder and more confusing than it really needs to be.

Is all really fair in love and war?

Blah. Is it fair to allow someone to become your friend if you are depressive? Everyone has had one of those "dooms day" friends. You know, the one that is always sad about something, no matter how good things are going, and they always think its the end of the world. Being a friend, you support their "sharing" at first... but then it really begins to get on your nerves, and you want to just yell at the person and tell them to get over it. Most of the time, people tend to drift away from the doomsday person after a while, because it can be depressing just to be around them.
I don't want to be that dooms day person. So, I try to avoid talking about anything that bothers me with people who might be my friends. Which then leads them to think that I don't trust them. But, I don't want to tell them whats going on, and then I'd get into the habit of talking to them about it everytime... and then they would feel depressed nearly every time they talk to me.. and that would chase them off. So instead, I don't talk to them about it. Is it fair for me even to try and make friends with anyone if I am sad? I mean, it might rub off on them, if I get really into a funk, then they will feel sad, and if I go over the edge.. then they have to deal with everything that goes with that. I know this really makes me sound completely crazy (then again, I dont hear anyone arguing with that fact even when I'm not really going over the top), but, I wish I could just painlessly cut all my ties. With everyone. Without putting anyone out. Without making anyone sad. Without anyone going.. "Oh where did she go?", or "How did I get so out of touch", or anything like that. If I have no connections on earth, then I don't have to pretend to be ok. I don't have to worry about what will happen to so & so if I go over the edge... "blow out my candle" as I saw it once in a book. I realize its definatly a step down on the spiral to be having these thoughts.. especially regularly. I didn't think I'd get these thoughts back. It was all such a comfort a little over a year ago... now I'm back to fighting it a bit... I don't know what to do. Go get help is the logical answer, but thats not possible. Its just not going to happen. Theres nothing to be so down about...life is just the same as ever... Theres just nothing to look forward to any more.