I had a dream...

Last night, I had a hard dream. I dreamt that Cubby had been reincarnated, as himself. It was 26 mths after I lost him (which it actually is), and he was back, even looked the same. I knew it was him, he knew who I was... and once again, I lost him. I tried to save him, but failed him for the second time. As we were in the vets office, even as he lay dying in my arms, I was torn between crying and not being able to cry. I kept telling him that I am so sorry, and begging him to forgive me for not only failing him the first time, but for failing him the second time also. I promised that if he made his wa back to me one more time, I would try even harder and that I would find some way to save him the third time. I felt so guilty, having to put him through that again. After he died, I cried so hard, had this feeling that I am a horrible person for failing to save him again. And now I have spent the day longing for him, craving him. I close my eyes and can almost feel him sitting with me, me plucking the under coat, jogging along behind him on the bike path. I miss him. I like to tell myself, that as the song goes "we will meet again some day, and if not here, than somewhere up above", but some times its really hard to find hope in that. What if I never find him again? Or what if I find him, and get stuck with the same problem. What if I make the same decision? Time has eased the day to day, moment to moment pain, dulled the edge, but I'm scared I will feel like this forever. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I miss him, and there is no way to turn back the clock, get him back, fix what I did. The guilt is so bad tonight, I just don't know how to ease it, or make it better. What did I do? I think this is the first time I'v honestly asked myself that question. I spent the last two years trying not to regret my decision, so although I thought of it, I never really allowed it in. But really, what did I do? Death is so final, so permanent, there is no way to fix it.. even if we may meet again, those are odds even an addicted gambler would avoid. Oh jeepers.