Its not that bad... or is it?

Ugh, I don't want to get out of bed any more. I'm tired of making these entries. These... blah life is horrid entries... All things considered, my life is not "that bad", so whats wrong with me? I have a good cat, and I have my own apartment, and a decent job, and a car and plenty of food and heat... so whats the deal? Whats my damage?I'm like a trainwreck, and theres nothing left to salvage. Lifes not that bad, and I feel bad for being so blah and depressed when I see people who have so much less doing so much better. When I hear of things and go.. wow, if I were that person, I would have killed myself already. A coworker got pregnant, and her boyfriend didn't want the baby, and thats what I thought. I would have killed myself, rather than continue. I am starting to use that thought as a comfort again. Not like I was, not like death is imminent, but, like, its ok, because when things get real bad, then I will do it. And to maintain this low low level of sanity, or this low level of insanity, I choose not to feel about 95% of the time. Not to be compassionate, not to sympathize, not to delve into the deeper emotions, or feel anything than what I absolutely must to get by. If I dare allow myself to feel more... the suicidal tendencies will increase triple fold. So, I just keep plugging. Because thats all I am able to do. I can't manage to do more than just get by for some reason. Arg, There is no way out and the walls are closing in, whats a girl to do?