I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.