My brother and I went to see Pirates of the Carribean the other night. I thought I wasn't really going to like the movie. It was really really good. I mean, great. I would see it again. It was pretty funny, and much much better than the previews had made it out to be. My brother has been staying the weekend, as my mom went away with Mike. As much fun as we have together, he makes insane. I just can't deal with it. LOL is why I can never have children. He has been trying to get Freddie to come over to him for an hour now, and everytime he calls Freddie, Freddie comes over to me and gets in my lap. LOL Freddie won't even look at him.

I broked the phone. :*(. I went to make some calls to see if I can find pony and hay rides for a fundraiser, and my phone isn't working. It was all wet, I think some rain came in the window. It might be ok once it dries out, but then again it might not be. Maybe I shouldn't leave the phone in the window any more. lol. And the board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to have some more information for them by then. Oiy, theres a wrench in the works again it seems. LOL, isn't there always?

EEEEEEKKKKKK! I bounced some checks! I don't know which ones or how many but I know I checked my balance at the atm and it was -$165!!!!! I nearly had a heartattack in the middle of walmart. Oiiiyyyyyy, I can't believe I did that. I have to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit my paychecks. I have a month of back paychekcs that I have not deposited yet, simply because I have not gone to the bank. Ugh, how could I be so stupid!!!

Saving the World

I used to empathize all the time. With everyone, everything. I used to want to protect everyone from feeling any pain at all, to take it all on myself. I was quite a glutton for emotional punishment. It nearly killed me. Now, I avoid emotional pain as much as possible. I stopped trying to save the world, stopped listening to everyone else's problems, stopped letting any of it in. If something would begin to hurt, if Iwould begin to feel, I would just block it off. Get out of the situation, distract myself. I want to have the motivation to help again. I want to be inspired by other people's pain enough to try to help. I mean, I know people who's lives seem to be falling apart. One of the girl's at work almost had her dog pts for biting, another girl broke up with her b/f, moved back to her mom's house, and then the mother of one of her good friends was murdered. Something was going on mentally with my upstairs neighbor, poor Bill checked himself into rehab the other day. The landladies says that it looks like he was possibly getting ready to do something drastic by the way his apartment was. I wanted to tell them to tell him that he can come talk to me whenever he wants to. I mean, he can, but I thought that would be a bit odd. I wish I could have helped him though, helped the two girls at work, help everyone who feels pain. I want the motivation to really feel bad for the animals at the shelter, to be frustrated to doing something by the fact that they get worse with us, instead of better. I want to want to save the world, and I want to be able to live with that want. To not have it, and the knowledge of the fact that I can't save the world push me over the edge. To find the balance between being empathetic/motivated/inspired, and being exhausted, hopeless, and suicidal due to the daunting task of it. I guess thats why I am finally going on vacation. To be able to stop, take a breath, and say, "ok, I can do this, here we go".

Greiving

In my life, I'v known plenty of people, animals, that have come and gone in my life. They have passed away, or moved away, and so on and so forth. Cubby is the only one that I have greived for for a prolonged period of time. Granted, the circumstances around the dog were very, very difficult for me, so that's probably part of it. But I mean, come on, tomorrow marks the 10th month! Its almost been a year. Most of the time, I'm fine. Its not a constant, 24/7 battle at this point, but it still gets me on occassion. *shrug* Oh well.

Oregon, Oregon, Oregon!

Wooohoooo I'm really really really really really really really going to Oregon! Like, I'm not even joking! We went and bought the tickets today. First thing this morning. I am now $425 poorer, but guess what. I'M GOING TO OREGON!!! Its about freaking time.

They come to us in our dreams

I had a dream last night, this morning. I was renting an apartment from my great-aunt, and her upstairs tenant wanted a dog. I had to house sit for them, so I brought them Cubby, or they already had Cubby or something. Anyway, somehow, he got out. The first time he came back pretty much immediately. Then he got out again. And I couldn't find him, and he didn't come back. I searched for him frantically. I couldn't find him. I was so sad. The people came home, and then I found him! He was so happy to see me. Gave me kisses and sat in my lap. :-) I gave him to the people, and then Glory (a dog at work) was there, and I looked out the window, and both dogs were allowed to be loose in the yard, and they were playing, running around. But the neighbors, Cubby's family, came to me because they needed training help. They didn't think they could keep him. I wanted to help them, but I was so excited that they might decide not to keep him. If they didn't keep him, I had decided that I would adopt him, even if I had to live at my great-aunts for the rest of his life. It kind of caught me by suprise. I woke up and went back to sleep and was still in the same dream. When my alarm went off, I hit snooze so that I could try to go back into the dream and spend more time with him. More time. Morning came to fast I guess. I don't know what happened in the dream. I never got past deciding to take him. I wish I could go back in to find out how the story ends. It was like watching a good movie, you are just dying to see what happens next. I guess its just not meant to be though. Liz says that when we dream about the deceased, it usually means they have come to us and are with us and are trying to communicate. I don't know if the same goes for dogs, but I do know that I miss him, and that I was soo happy when he was happy to see me. Ok, I'm late for work now, so off I go.

They come to us in our dreams

Ugh

I'm tired, and my throat hurts. I don't know my throat hurts, it just does. Also, I'm not speaking to my uterus at the moment, it is being difficult. hahaha. Freddie is wicked crabby about the new foster kittens. Lol, he is growling alot, and he swatted at and nipped one of my landladies the other day.

A horse is a horse, of course, and Oregon

Awwww, I tho thad... In Harmony, the horse farm, was off for two weeks, so I didn't get to go down there, and my landladies horse was put to sleep, so I haven't been working on him in a few weeks, (well duh), and then yesterday I was excited cus I was going to the farm, but then I got a call saying that they are not having monday classes any more. Ok, so no more mondays. Then today I go down there, and there is no longer a 6pm tuesday class! So the only class I get to work in now is the wednesday class. Awwwww that makes me sad. I miss the horses. Ok, so about Oregon. I'm going!!! I didn't think we would really be able too, and I almost told my boss today that I wasn't really going, that it was gonna be like all the other times I had tried to go on vacation, however, when I got home I had a call. The price is still $400, but Grace can get $200 together. If I lend her the other $200, she will pay me back $50 a week for 4 wks. Woooohooooo we are going to Oregon!!! *does the I'm going to Oregon dance*

"Your a mad lot of suckers"

On the news they were doing a report about how americans don't get as much vacation time as many of the other countries. Even China has 15 guaranteed payed vacation days a year. We have none legally. Well anyway, on the news, they asked some people from the UK what they thought about our hard work effort. And they showed one older man saying "your a mad lot of suckers". Rofl, sorry, But I get a kick out of that, mostly because it is true.

I would hate to be President Bush. Since he took office, the economy has just been on a downhill slope. He can't seem to be able to pull the nose up. That and the war, and 9/11... even his more loyal followers have got to be questioning his ability in a re-election. Whether he is simply unlucky in his timing, doing a really wretched job, or a combination of both, I don't honestly know. I decide not to pass judgement, as I don't know enough about politics. In any case, I'm glad I'm not him. These politicians go out and raise millions upon millions of dollars for their compain fund. Bush is expected to raise something crazy like 200 million dollars for compaining for re-election. If all of the running politicians, in any race, had to put 75% of the money raised into something else, it would be a huge help. They could use it to help cut the deficit, they could use it to fund programs, they could donate it to various non-profit agencies. 200 million dollars might not go very far when applied to any of the above, but every penny counts. Ask any group that is literally counting pennies. Schools, highway departments, DCYF, Welfare, city run animal shelters even. Those are all things that need more money, and are government run. I'm sure the list goes on and on and on and on. Instead they use the money to buy tv time, radio time, bill boards, newspaper adds, etc.

So I had an appointment to donate blood today, and was expected to get stuck atleast twice, have huge bruises on both arms, and be there for 2 hours, because thats how it usually goes when I donate. Today must have been my good day... The girl stuck me only once, and hit the vein instantly. She didn't have to move it around or anything.!!! I filled the pint bag in 5 yes count them 12345 minutes! Last time it took twenty, and my fingers were freezing and tingling before I was done. LOL All of us there were so excited. They know I'm "a difficult stick". It hasnt been that easy in over a year! Wooooohooooooo... I told the girl that was so easy I would go again tomorrow. lol. She told me not to get too carried away lol. Ahhh was good though. Very good. Very well worth it.

The crisis is over. Freddie likes me again. I think the little fucker (said in the most lovingly way possible) was just playing head games with me. And it worked. I will be sure to appreciate him more. I am in the middle of rearranging my apartment. Its hard work. I Decided to take a break, I am beginning to think I should just leave it as I now have it. Completely in shambles.. more than usual. LOL, I got basically all the furniture back in place, but I have to now put everything else away. I dun wanna! Quick, someone else come and do it for me. LOL, this is why I never usually rearrange or do any major cleaning projects. I loose any motivation about half way through. We have run into a snafu in trying to get to Oregon. When I looked online before, the tickets ranged from $215-$315 or so.... we didn't buy tickets then because the person I am going with wasn't able to come up with the money right away. So we look now... The price is about $400 now. Which is gonna be a lot harder if not impossible for either of us to swing. Ugh. I have to go. I need to go. I need a vacation, its been 3 yrs since I had one. I keep putting it off, waiting for this or that, and everytime I try to go, something stands in the way. I was also told htat I was going to meet an old friend this summer when I had my cards read. The trip is to meet an old friend. And I am supposed to make some good desicions while I am away. Some decisions that I haven't even been thinking about at this point. I want to go. I don't know if I really believe in the cards and such, however, I'd rather not bet against them. I need to be young and have fun and be carefree. I haven't been. Ever. When is it my turn?

Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Freddie doesn't like me any more. :*( Over the last... week or two or month or something, he has become far less affectionate. Although He has been following me into the kitchen, or looking at me and meowing. I figured he wanted to go outside or get wetfood. He was just sitting here, next to me, not doing anything really, and I leaned over him, told him I loved him, and nuzzled him. He didn't do anything. Usually he leans into me, purrrs. I pet him and leaned on him for about a mnute, and go no reaction. So I scooped him up and hugged and snuggled him, and he tolerated it for about 15 seconds, and then wriggled out of my arms, and continued to ignore me. No purring. No wanting me to love him. That makes me very sad. He walks by and I reach down for him, and he keeps ignoring me, walking away. If I don't have him, then what do I have??? Nothing. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him, not doing enough for him, but oh, I didn't think he would give up on me. It may seem silly to get so upset over being shunned by a cat, but he is the only one who loves me unconditionally. Or the only one who did. He was the only one it was safe to let the walls down for, to feel for, and now I have to work or figure out how to get him back. Argh... is nothing in life easy?

I don't understand how someone can be a teacher, and still have a completely psychotic home life. How they can belittle their children, and act out infront of their children, and then wonder why their children are freaking crazy and out of control. If parents show absolutely no respect for each other, then how do they expect the children to respect them, each other, or anyone else. I know we all loose our temper and such.. but to have your entire home in absolute chaos and anger almost constantly is insane. And they wonder why they are not happy. I just don't understand how you can be an adult, and a teach at that, and not understand what the problem is.

Hmmm, they changed the whole look of the posting secton of this. Not in a bad way, or a good way... just different. Uhhhhh its so easy to be numb... so almost comforting. To not empathize. But I am supposed to be empathetic, to nurture my ability to feel, and place my self in other's shoes, and to really feel what they are feeling. But I spent so long in pain, I'd rather just not let it matter. Not let any of it in. Not feel any of it. Just pretend that everything is as simple and as distant as ..... I don't know where I was going with that, I realize there is no way to finish it. I wonder when it was that I decided that I had to give up. Or that I wanted to give up. So much for wanting all the pain only for me, wanting to save everyone else, now I want no part of it. I want no part of anything that makes me feel. I just want to leave that part out. When did that happen? When did I become so ... I don't know the word.

Baby, Baby stay... Stay right where you are, I like it this way... Its good for my heart.... .... Baby baby stayyy.... Gone...
Find what you weren't looking for Hmmmmmm stuff to think on.

I can't feel, the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored...
Cheers to that. I really can't afford to ever feel again like I did once in the past... because next time, I don't want to make it out of it. I just want the feelings to last until its over, until they bring it all to an end, instead of going through that nasty cycle over and over again. I'd rather just not bother with it. I was thinking earlier about relationships that we have with other people. Friends, family... and anyone else that falls under the category of people we love. There is ususally a rather high level of comfort with ones that we love. When you know you can say something that they don't agree with, and you may have a debate about it, but you will still love each other afterwards. When you can do really silly things around them, and its ok. When you can really let your guard down, and be the same person around them that you are when you all alone and no one is watching. When you go to them when you feel weak, and hurt, and happy and overwhelmed with any feelings that need to be shared. I love to watch the very basic, natural physical contacts with people who are comfortable with each other. A hug here, a hand on the arm there, leaning on them, sitting close to them, things like that. Looking at them even. I see this and watch these interactions with other people, and I long for more of them myself. I have so few people, if any, that I am really relaxed around. I always seem to be holding something back, not reaching out when I want to, not speaking up when I want to. Most people never even give thought to these basic relationships, and all that go with them. Most people ahve these relationships regularly, with family members, or close friends, or spouses or lovers. The closest I seem to be able to come to letting the walls down with is my brother, I guess because he is non-threatening in a mental way. Physically threatening he is, simply because I know it would be a real fight to hold my own with him if we decided we ever really had to "step outside". But even there, there is a block, a wall, a tenseness and controls I put in place when I am around him, or anyone. I want that ease, that simple trust that so many other people seem to have. I just want to be able to let down the guard for someone, to not have to keep it built up so much all the time. And to think, this is progress for me. I used to be sooooooooo much more reserved with everyone. I guess I finally realized that wasn't working. Slowly began to creep out of my shell. Either that or the insantiy just couldn't stay inside any longer. LOL. Either way, I am better than I was, but hopefully not as good as I will be.

Monday the Llama gets neutered. I get to help hold him. :-| Happy happy joy joy. LOL One of my foster kittens is very very determined to eat people food sometimes. I put him on the floor 5-10 times, and he kept climbing back up on the bed to get it. And tis quite a hike for him to get on the bed. LOL he should sleep well tongiht. I have to clean, and clean well, as the house is being assessed on monday. Freddie is bored, and i think he is getting frustrated. He wants more room, and to go out and play. Maybe I will try him on the harness again. Hopefully I will be able to find his good harness, and won't have to buy another one. I can't find another of the one that I really like, so I would have to get a different one and resize him. I would be ahppy if I could find the same brand again, as I really like the one that he had, as far as security and ease of sizing goes. He enjoys the kittens, they give him the extra attention and love that he doesn't get from me. The kitten that is obsessed with the human food is also obsessed with crawling on the keyboard as I type. And is quite good at standing on the enter key. Makes things quite interesting in a chat room. Lol.