One of these days, I'm gonna love me, and then I will feel the joy of sweet release... One of these day I'm gonna love me, and maybe at last I will find some peace... And then I will smile a little, and maybe even laugh a little but... one of these days, I'm gonna love me.
Yesterday, and all morning long I had things that I just felt the need to get down, get out. And at the moment, sitting here in the library, I can't remember for the life of me what one of them was at all. Its like a name or a word, on the tip of your tongue, just behind some wall in your mind, that you can't quite get around. I can't even begin to feel it out. The rest of the stuff, I feel I talked through most of it on my way here. And most of it is stuff I have been over before, multiple times anyway. I just keep going back to the same things. I beleive this is what we call... dun dun dun... Issues. Hahaha. I know I need to get control of my life, my thoughts, and my emotional well being. I have moments where everything seems to be a-ok, and I wonder why I ever thought I was crazy, and then I hit the opposit end of the spectrum, where I feel so overwhelmed by feeling so nuts, so psycho, that I wonder when they will lock me up. And I can go from one side of the sanity fence to the other in a matter of ten minutes. Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home, thinking I felt almost just ducky, quite alright, when now, looking back on it, I had been fighting off demons only minutes earlier, and then resumed fighting, opr more accuratly cursing and giving into the demons when I reached my apartment. I hate food, or actually, I hate the fact that I am a slave to the numbing effect food has on me. I need to get control of this thought, this feeling, and learn how to not only get around it, but how to deal with it, and how to make it cease to exist in a healthy way. Not in a "I am the master of building fire/destruction proof boxes in my mind to put things in" way. And I know I have to stop putting everything off. Oh I will get a life tomorrow. I will eat healthy tomorrow, I will start walking tomorrow, I will be organized tomorrow, I will be ok and happy tomorrow. I will love and be loved tomorrow... Just let me have today to wallow in myself and be alone and lonely and miserable. And in a really bad moment, its not tomorrow, it will be monday, or on the first of next month... what am I fucking insane that I want to wallow in my own world of misery and pain for another day, week, month??? Sometimes I wonder. I remember being lonely. I mean, I am lonely now, and I know probably half teh people I talk to are probably lonely. But there is a big difference between being lonely, and being Lonely. The difference. The lonely that I am now, it really sucks. But I know I am not the only one. And I know that I am atleast liked, if not loved byu family and a friend. Before, I was alone. Completely. I would come home to my family everyday, but I thouight they didn't like me. I was a thorn in their side, ,merely someone to be tolerated because they were obligated to tolerate me by blood. And as for friends, I had none. I had a few aquantences, and I had a few online people that I talked to. But as far as a best friend, a real buddy who I could hang out with, and do fun things with, and relax with, they were non-existant. For about 4 yrs there was nothing tangeable. I was a hermit. I pushed away anyone who might have become a friend, even in pretending not to. I joined a school club, was in it for two years, and again, managed to make aquantinces, but no friends in the club. I guess I finally decided I couldn't be like that any more. Because I couldn't handle it any more. I hurt far too much of the time, and all I had to do was talk about someone being happy, or see other people in my classes being happy with their friends to have to actually work to not burst into tears. Things are better than that now... I think. I always want more though. I want to be part of the group again. And this, all of this, was not what compelled me to get out of bed this morning to write. I still am clueless as to what it was... because it hurt, and I can't seem to work up the nerve to dig it out. *sigh* and so I continue in this often mundane existance... always wanting something to be exciting, thrilling, a good story to tell around a campfire, something to say so there aren't too many awkward silences when I try to talk to someone.