Insanity

Grave digger, when you dig my grave, please make it shallow, so I can feel the rain... I don't knowhow people get over the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... I can't even get over the loss of a dog that I had put to death, a dog who didn't belong to me, who I didn't belong to. Argh. I love my cat so much, but he doesn't fill that emptiness inside me. And I know that Cubby wouldn't fill that void either, but it's hard not to assume that the unconditional love of another animal won't solve it. Or another dish of icecream, or another online friend, or another job. Or a new apartment, a new bike. Too bad its impossible to purchase a new life. The 16th is tuesday. That will be a year since Cubby was euthanized. 1 year since I allowed him to die in my arms. I still miss him, miss burying my face in his fur. I do that to my cat, and as I'v said, I love my cat more than anything in the world, he is why I continue to breath, but... I feel really bad saying this... Is he enough? I want to do something drastic on the 16th, to let them all know I still grieve, that I did/am greiving at all. I have decided to wear a black shirt through out the month. On the 16th, I will wear all black. If I run out of black shirts, I will create a black arm band, and wear that. But thats not enough. Its not enough to have Cubby's picture as an emoticon on my msn messenger, to have his picture on my msn profile, to have his picture framed on top of my computer, and to have the picture of him in my lap as the desktop picture on the computer. I want to do something more. I want to take a vow of silence on the 16th, go on a hunger strike, hold a candle light vigil, and a protest. I want to tell someone off, let them know I am angry, and I hurt. I don't know what to do. How to honor him. The ultimate showing of grief would be to just finish it on that day. That would be a big "Fuck you" to all of them. You didn't want to be my family, you didn't deserve to be my family, you don't deserve to share in my grief, or to be able to help me. I am not worthy of your concern, but at the same time, you are not worthy of being allowed to worry. Not that I would actually do something like that. But how I would love to make a statement like that. That, however, would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face, something I try to avoid doing. Damn I hate being reasonable sometimes. I do just wish that I could loose it completely at some point. I just want to bash someones head in once.. just once... is that too much to ask? LOL of course it is. Damn, when did I get so crazy?