Do or die

Something has to change, I can't keep going like this. I'm back to not getting up except to go to work. Try to pull the pillows over my head and sleep as long as possible on the one day that I have off, not because I'm tired, but because I can't get up. Its so hard to do normal things, so hard to drag myself around. Last time it was like this, I merely reinforced my addiction to the shelter, going there every day. I'm drawn to do this again. But I don't want to. First of all, I get in trouble. And second, now, even that is getting hard. I don't know. I know that I have to figure out how to change it though. I don't want to be a train wreck any more. I want to get it all pulled together, and keep it together this time. When I moved it was almost easy. I got up, made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned .. it took only about 20 minutes. At this point, it will take about 4 hours to clean up my apartment, everything is a disaster. And that just makes it worse. I had been hodling it together, and then it all just fell apart. This little bit here, that little bit there, and then next thing I knew, it was insanity again. But I have to get it together, because I can't live like this any more. I have figure it out. I need something to put it back together. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH something something something has to work, has to get it together, another 50 yrs is way to long to live like this.