Insanity

Grave digger, when you dig my grave, please make it shallow, so I can feel the rain... I don't knowhow people get over the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... I can't even get over the loss of a dog that I had put to death, a dog who didn't belong to me, who I didn't belong to. Argh. I love my cat so much, but he doesn't fill that emptiness inside me. And I know that Cubby wouldn't fill that void either, but it's hard not to assume that the unconditional love of another animal won't solve it. Or another dish of icecream, or another online friend, or another job. Or a new apartment, a new bike. Too bad its impossible to purchase a new life. The 16th is tuesday. That will be a year since Cubby was euthanized. 1 year since I allowed him to die in my arms. I still miss him, miss burying my face in his fur. I do that to my cat, and as I'v said, I love my cat more than anything in the world, he is why I continue to breath, but... I feel really bad saying this... Is he enough? I want to do something drastic on the 16th, to let them all know I still grieve, that I did/am greiving at all. I have decided to wear a black shirt through out the month. On the 16th, I will wear all black. If I run out of black shirts, I will create a black arm band, and wear that. But thats not enough. Its not enough to have Cubby's picture as an emoticon on my msn messenger, to have his picture on my msn profile, to have his picture framed on top of my computer, and to have the picture of him in my lap as the desktop picture on the computer. I want to do something more. I want to take a vow of silence on the 16th, go on a hunger strike, hold a candle light vigil, and a protest. I want to tell someone off, let them know I am angry, and I hurt. I don't know what to do. How to honor him. The ultimate showing of grief would be to just finish it on that day. That would be a big "Fuck you" to all of them. You didn't want to be my family, you didn't deserve to be my family, you don't deserve to share in my grief, or to be able to help me. I am not worthy of your concern, but at the same time, you are not worthy of being allowed to worry. Not that I would actually do something like that. But how I would love to make a statement like that. That, however, would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face, something I try to avoid doing. Damn I hate being reasonable sometimes. I do just wish that I could loose it completely at some point. I just want to bash someones head in once.. just once... is that too much to ask? LOL of course it is. Damn, when did I get so crazy?

So today, for work, I had to take a few cats up to PetsMart for adoption. There was this cute guy their, from another animal shelter, doing the same thing, only in a different area of the store. Anyway, he came over to where I was set up, and we talked for a few minutes. Then he just sort of hung around for like 15-20 minutes. After a while, he had to go do something so he left. As he was getting ready to leave for the day, he came back over, and asked if I would be there tomorrow! I won't be, a different girl from the shelter is going. :-( It was exciting for him to ask me if I would be there tomorrow just the same though. LOL Oiy, I'm pathetic.

Blah, *sings* no body likes me, everybody hates me, blah blah blah blah blah... I'm tired and bored and lonely. As I always am. Everynight I come home, and actually wait for a decent time to go to bed. I don't dare go to bed too soon, or I will wake up too early, and it will be even worse in the morning. I'm tired of having to wait until bed time.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mommy loves me!!! I just had to call her to let her know that my friend in Oregon has had her baby. Then I told her about In Harmony, and my new job there, and she got all excited!!! And she said that its because they see how good I am at my job. So take that and stuff it... to those who say that I am not such a good option for my job(s). :-p

Your daemon would definitely be a HAWK! Fierce and
predatory, you usually don't seek the company
of others, instead preferring to find yourself.
You're a very loyal mate, but other than a few
close friends, tend to avoid others. Because of
this, you are often viewed as distant, absent-
minded and relatively apathetic. You'd make an
excellent strategist, however, given your
ability to see the big picture instead of
focusing on details.


What's your inner daemon?
brought to you by Quizilla

Always all alone

I wanted/do want the people from work to be my family. They have other people in their lives however, and don't need me, except at work. I feel most comfortable around my brother, but, its really sad that he's the one that I feel the most loved from. Other than my cat. My cat and my brother are on an even keel, everyone else is on the bottom of the totem pole. My own mom doesn't even really like me. If she had to be my friend, she wouldn't. She finds me boring. And I am boring. But my family should still love me right? I want that christmas card picture family kind of love. I'm so freaking messed up it doesn't even feel to go out and seek any kind of relation ship with anyone, not even friend ship. It seems rather sneaky and underhanded to go out and befriend someone because I need someone to share life with. Everything from the big things to the little things. The kind of things friends share, both the happy and the sad. I'v cried a lot today, a lot more than I have in a while. I think part of it is that its September. Part of it is everything else. And part of it is just that I'm insane. Ugh, *sigh* thank god for Freddie, I do't know what I would do without him. I swear, he becomes more affectionate when I'm sad, even when I'm not showing the real signs of it... he knows. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my family, my support, silly to rest so much of that on a cat, but there's no one else who wants it. Whats wrong with me that I'm not worthy of that from other humans. :*(

Things have been crazy. Seem to be settling down a bit now. Yesterday, Maria from the theraputic riding place offered me a job! Of course I said yes. Now I will be working all the time literally, because I will be working full time at the shelter, and on both of my days off at the farm. I'v wanted to work with horses for sooooo long, and I just didn't know how to get into the field. Now I know. Wooohoooooo. I was so excited yesterday, I just wanted to share the news, to tell someone, for someone to celebrate with me, but I had no one to tell. That made me soooo sad. To have no one to share the happy moments with takes a lot of the happiness out of them. But then I came online, and Jen was there. And woohooo, I had someone to share my excitement with! Thanks Jenners for being there. :-D

My place is a total disaster, and Freddie thinks I don't love him any more. I went away for a week, left him at my moms house, came home for a week, now I am petsitting for someone, so only come home for about an hour a day, and don't spend the night here. I spoke to my mom today, she said something very odd. I was talking about the fair, and said that I couldn't afford to go every day. She said, "well, you never know". :-s I find this rather worrysome, although not too badly, because I am fairly confident that she does not have tons of money in the bank, and so therefore, I wont become rich if she... erm... passes on. It just seemed like an odd thing to say... I wanted to be like.. what do you know that I don't... I didn't say that though.

I just read this book, in about two days. Its called Almost Lost. Its about a boy who practically goes over the edge, and his journey back. Its a true story, and the entire book is actually writings of what was said during his therapy sessions, and is written with his permission, by his therapist. IN the book is a lot of information on how negative thoughts and feelings are contagious, infectious, destructive, and how we make these feeling grow and grow and grow, and how to prevent that. It was a very good book, and I strongly suggest that anyone who has battled with depression, does battle with depression, or has a family member who battles with depression should read it.
I have been dreaming alot lately. Tossing and turning. The last three nights, I have actually pulled the fitted sheet off of my bed, right out from under me. Mydreams have been about people. About people with me, being my friends, loving me, as me. I am very lonely. There is a whole lot of no one in my life. I talk to people at work, and sometimes when I am online at home. But I don't have the normal friends and social calls that every average, normal person has. It makes me sad.

Ouchers, my neck hurts. I went to the fair yesterday, it was *shrug* alright I guess. I have this problem for some reason where I cry when I am at the fair. Actually, its more like, when I am at the fair, and see someone else having way too much fun. It starts as a chuckle and turns into my trying desperatly holding back tears. I am so envious of when other people have fun, it reminds me of how much fun I never have. My life is work... when I am not at work, I am at the farm volunteering, if I am not there, I am home. Doing a heck of a lot of nothing. I am home so much, you would think I would be able to keep my apartment clean, however, I honestly do almost nothing when I am home. I mean, I sit, with the computer on, and sort of stare off into space, sometimes talking to people on line, sometimes paying some attention to whats on tv, but thats about it. And thats what I do, all night long. I need to get a life. I need to have something to live for. I need to have fun, I need to do fun things. I need to not always be "the most responsible, mature, __yr old that __________ have ever seen". Blah.

I'm back. It was fun. Caught up on some sleep. Freddie stayed at my moms house. I went to pick him up tonight, but he got out, and he hasn't come back yet. I will keep my fingers crossed that he will be back tomorrow. I will probably make up a flyer tomorrow if I get a chance at work.

My brother and I went to see Pirates of the Carribean the other night. I thought I wasn't really going to like the movie. It was really really good. I mean, great. I would see it again. It was pretty funny, and much much better than the previews had made it out to be. My brother has been staying the weekend, as my mom went away with Mike. As much fun as we have together, he makes insane. I just can't deal with it. LOL is why I can never have children. He has been trying to get Freddie to come over to him for an hour now, and everytime he calls Freddie, Freddie comes over to me and gets in my lap. LOL Freddie won't even look at him.

I broked the phone. :*(. I went to make some calls to see if I can find pony and hay rides for a fundraiser, and my phone isn't working. It was all wet, I think some rain came in the window. It might be ok once it dries out, but then again it might not be. Maybe I shouldn't leave the phone in the window any more. lol. And the board meeting is tomorrow night, I'd like to have some more information for them by then. Oiy, theres a wrench in the works again it seems. LOL, isn't there always?

EEEEEEKKKKKK! I bounced some checks! I don't know which ones or how many but I know I checked my balance at the atm and it was -$165!!!!! I nearly had a heartattack in the middle of walmart. Oiiiyyyyyy, I can't believe I did that. I have to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit my paychecks. I have a month of back paychekcs that I have not deposited yet, simply because I have not gone to the bank. Ugh, how could I be so stupid!!!

Saving the World

I used to empathize all the time. With everyone, everything. I used to want to protect everyone from feeling any pain at all, to take it all on myself. I was quite a glutton for emotional punishment. It nearly killed me. Now, I avoid emotional pain as much as possible. I stopped trying to save the world, stopped listening to everyone else's problems, stopped letting any of it in. If something would begin to hurt, if Iwould begin to feel, I would just block it off. Get out of the situation, distract myself. I want to have the motivation to help again. I want to be inspired by other people's pain enough to try to help. I mean, I know people who's lives seem to be falling apart. One of the girl's at work almost had her dog pts for biting, another girl broke up with her b/f, moved back to her mom's house, and then the mother of one of her good friends was murdered. Something was going on mentally with my upstairs neighbor, poor Bill checked himself into rehab the other day. The landladies says that it looks like he was possibly getting ready to do something drastic by the way his apartment was. I wanted to tell them to tell him that he can come talk to me whenever he wants to. I mean, he can, but I thought that would be a bit odd. I wish I could have helped him though, helped the two girls at work, help everyone who feels pain. I want the motivation to really feel bad for the animals at the shelter, to be frustrated to doing something by the fact that they get worse with us, instead of better. I want to want to save the world, and I want to be able to live with that want. To not have it, and the knowledge of the fact that I can't save the world push me over the edge. To find the balance between being empathetic/motivated/inspired, and being exhausted, hopeless, and suicidal due to the daunting task of it. I guess thats why I am finally going on vacation. To be able to stop, take a breath, and say, "ok, I can do this, here we go".

Greiving

In my life, I'v known plenty of people, animals, that have come and gone in my life. They have passed away, or moved away, and so on and so forth. Cubby is the only one that I have greived for for a prolonged period of time. Granted, the circumstances around the dog were very, very difficult for me, so that's probably part of it. But I mean, come on, tomorrow marks the 10th month! Its almost been a year. Most of the time, I'm fine. Its not a constant, 24/7 battle at this point, but it still gets me on occassion. *shrug* Oh well.

Oregon, Oregon, Oregon!

Wooohoooo I'm really really really really really really really going to Oregon! Like, I'm not even joking! We went and bought the tickets today. First thing this morning. I am now $425 poorer, but guess what. I'M GOING TO OREGON!!! Its about freaking time.

They come to us in our dreams

I had a dream last night, this morning. I was renting an apartment from my great-aunt, and her upstairs tenant wanted a dog. I had to house sit for them, so I brought them Cubby, or they already had Cubby or something. Anyway, somehow, he got out. The first time he came back pretty much immediately. Then he got out again. And I couldn't find him, and he didn't come back. I searched for him frantically. I couldn't find him. I was so sad. The people came home, and then I found him! He was so happy to see me. Gave me kisses and sat in my lap. :-) I gave him to the people, and then Glory (a dog at work) was there, and I looked out the window, and both dogs were allowed to be loose in the yard, and they were playing, running around. But the neighbors, Cubby's family, came to me because they needed training help. They didn't think they could keep him. I wanted to help them, but I was so excited that they might decide not to keep him. If they didn't keep him, I had decided that I would adopt him, even if I had to live at my great-aunts for the rest of his life. It kind of caught me by suprise. I woke up and went back to sleep and was still in the same dream. When my alarm went off, I hit snooze so that I could try to go back into the dream and spend more time with him. More time. Morning came to fast I guess. I don't know what happened in the dream. I never got past deciding to take him. I wish I could go back in to find out how the story ends. It was like watching a good movie, you are just dying to see what happens next. I guess its just not meant to be though. Liz says that when we dream about the deceased, it usually means they have come to us and are with us and are trying to communicate. I don't know if the same goes for dogs, but I do know that I miss him, and that I was soo happy when he was happy to see me. Ok, I'm late for work now, so off I go.

They come to us in our dreams

Ugh

I'm tired, and my throat hurts. I don't know my throat hurts, it just does. Also, I'm not speaking to my uterus at the moment, it is being difficult. hahaha. Freddie is wicked crabby about the new foster kittens. Lol, he is growling alot, and he swatted at and nipped one of my landladies the other day.