Well, the meeting went well enough. No decision yet. We have another meeting December 19th I believe. I'v been so tired. I went up to my moms house sunday night, and crashed there for the evening. Did nothing all day Monday, well except take a nap. And then came home and was in bed and asleep before 11. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off, and even though I didn't exactly want to get out of bed, I decided I should, seeing as how I was feeling more awake than I have in weeks. It was nice to be awake again. Lol, my aunt blames it on the psycho diet I am on... and I am sure that is part of it, however, I'm almost positive that there are multiple factors.. such as the season change, stress from work and such, and yeah stuff like that.
Anyway, so you see, I miss my dog. And I want to give a big, heartfelt FUCK YOU to anyone and everyone who helped me decide not to save him. I spent so long rationalizing why I should not adopt him. I still like to rationalize why I made the right decision for me, but that is only to help push back the pain and guilt a little bit, not because I truly feel I was 100% right. I am still able to prevent myself from actually regretting my choice, but oh it hurts. I cried for almost the entire drive up to my mom's house Sunday night, mostly about the dog, which of course led to crying about other things. By the time I got there, I had finished crying, but was warn out physically and emotionally. I walked in and my mom was like.." are you ok, you look exhausted." All I could think of to say was "yeah, i'm just sort of tired lately". She's a good mom, she just left it at that.
If I had adopted my dog, maybe I would be spending too much time focusing on him, and not have enough time/energy to work with any other animals. The fact of the matter is however, that I haven't worked with a single other dog since I lost him. I'm in pain, I don't want to risk falling for another animal that I may not be able to save. Or fall for one and then have it go home to someone else. And I don't want to work really hard with a dog, and keep my distance, not get attached, feel the numbness that I feel for so many of the animals now. It used to take everything out of me not to cry when someone in the shelter was turning in an animal and bawling. Now, I'm like, oh thats sad, I'm sorry, and then thats it, I'm usually over it. I have become so jaded to most of it. Being jaded, its the only way to prevent yourself from an actual clinical burn out, but I don't like being so jaded. It can be as awful feeling nothing at all as it is to be in pain... I think... Lol unfortunatly I don't usually feel both at once, and so therefor can't really give an accurate comparison. And to think... this is me being almost happy. Oiy.
Another good reason for me to avoid reproducing.... this shit is hereditary, just like flat feet. Wouldn't want to risk giving life to someone knowing that no matter how wonderful and loved they are, they could be suicidal because its in the family tree.
Right, so in conclusion, I want my dog and thats all there is to it. I should stop rambling now, my fingers are getting cold.