I was talking to these two girls at that I work with. One of them had lived and worked in Colorado for a while. She showed me the pictures. It was beautiful. It made me start thinking of going again. It stirred up that desire to run again. When things get bad, I dream of running. Of going to Montana, or Colorado, or Oregon, or Maine. And for some reason, the thoughts hadn't been so strong lately. Until I talked to this girl atleast. I want to go. I want to "meet the coolest people". She said everyone there was nmice, she had a lot of friends. I want that. She also said it was like a big party most of the time. I could live with that also. Get it out of my system or something. Go away, and find everything that is missing in my life here. I try so hard to fill up that emptiness that I feel. I try to fill it with either food, or living things. I want to own every plant I see, and I want to own all of these pets. Because I somehow think that by owning these pets, and these plants, they will fulfill something in me that needs to be loved and needed. It doesn't quite work like that. It was that same feeling that had me get my cat to begin with. And then had me get the three vine plants, which will eventually grow to overtake my apartment. One of them was well on its way of overtaking my bedroom in my other house until Cubby, thedog, broke the long vine that stretched all the way across my room one night. Gita, my rabbit, was for the same reason. Haha. His name is from a book I read about a witch with my name. Gita was her familiar, and loved her soooo much. She was all he needed, her happiness. I wanted someone/something to love me like that. Because somewhere/ somehow, in some fantasy world that I live in, that love wil lmake me better, make me sane, make me whole and full. And I know that going away woiuld be simply in search of that. k However, I fee;l that I will regret not going out of fear. So I sort of decided. I will gie it one year. One more year, and then, if I don't have a compelling reason to stay, a reason that isn't small, orange and furry and named Freddie, I will pick upand go. And to hell with everything else. And it kills me to say that. Especially working where I work. Especially since Freddie is the only reason I got out of bed voluntarily for 3 years. And sometimes still is. I hope against all hope that I will find a way to keep him with me always. :*( But is it fair for me to keep just existing if I can get away and maybe be better for it? I don't know. I hope I don't really ahve to make that choce. I had to do it once with the dog that wasn't even mine, I hat to think that I would even be able to make that decision again.