There is this ... want to self destruct I guess that is always threatening to over take me. To just curl up somewhere half out of consciousness forever. You know that feeling that you get when your laying on the beach or something? And your yees are closed, and your warm, and you can hear everything going on around you, but it all seems so far away, and your kind of drifiting around aimlessly inside your head, inside your own little world. Sometimes I want to succumb to that, and make that everlasting. To never have to come too. To just stop existing. I don't feel this way nearly as often as I did, but its still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and catch me by suprise. I took Freddie out on his harness again today. I knew I shouldn't have trusted it. I was carrying him and he was ok, but then there was just too much sensory input and he began to panic. So I put him down and tried to press him to the ground, but I wasn't quick enough, and he hit the end of his leash and gave a quick wriggle and was out of the harness. He went aoround the front of the house and got up on the step, but when I approached he got off the step, looking for another door I guess. I quickly unlocked the door and whistled, Thankfully he came back and saw the open door and darted inside. I almsot lost him. He could have run into the road, or gone over the fence, or gone into the back yard with all the other animals. I could have spent the next week trying to locate him, and keeping an eye out on the road to make sure he wasn't catsplat-crow treats. Oiy. It was scary.