I have a $100 gift certificate to spend at a local cd store. Woohoo. Especially since all of my cd's had been stolen. I mean, I have since bought a few, but I do miss some of the cd's I had before. Ahh Jack Johnson. Lol just came on the radio. Totally have to rebuy this one. Anyway, music plays a big part in how we feel. I mean, at one point, when I was not feeling right ( because quite frankly I never feel exactly right), but before I lost my "logic" that kept things almost ok, I would listen to the most depressing cd's I had. They would make me cry and cry and cry. Finally after doing this for about 2 months, I just couldn't take it any more, and every logical thought that I had that was a reason to hope for things to get better left me and I spent the next year fighting just waiting things out. I was literally waiting until I had finished what I had to. Scary. Anyway, these depressing cd's not only made me more depressed, but I also liked them, do like them. Do I buy them again? I mean, I liked the music, the songs. Do I dare listen to them again, knowing how addicting that feeling of dispair can be? I know, I sound like a psycho but what can I say.

Ok, so my cousin is supposed to get married in October of 2004. Because no matter what I say, I can't do things For me, I have to have some other reason to do them, I have now grabbed onto this date. Its my..... er whats the word, I swear I loose an IQ point every day... err. oh yeah, motivation. So this wedding, which is a year and a half away, is my motivation to become beautiful, in my own eyes. (a true impossibility I know, however I can atleast get closer) Its my reason for continuing to go to the gym, and to follow this stupid evil low carb diet properly the way that the book says so that I can eventually get off of it completely and no longer have food issues. I want to be a stunning maid of honor, and not have to feel entirely self concious while dealing with dress fittings and such. Because, quite frankly, taylors of dresses are not the friendliest people. My friend was in a wedding, and the taylors yelled at her because when she tried the dress on with a wonder bra, they still thought her boobs didn't sit properly. They poke and prod and tell you you have too much here and too little there and whatnot. I mean, they are the taylor, there comes a point where you have run out of time to make your body into that of barbie and its the taylors job to make the dress look good on you. Mean evil people.

I know I need balance in my life, and I am slowly trying to get it. Have to work at these things a little at a time. Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, trying to get my rabbit to like me after clipping his nails, thinking about work. Planning some of the things we would talk about on the radio show at the end of the month. Today is my day off. I could have been thinking of so many other things. So I am in the middle of imagining myself at work and my aunt calls and I answer the phone "hello Megen speaking, animal rescue League, can I help you...(pause, giggle) no wait this isnt the Animal Rescue League, I'm sorry, I mean, uh Hello?" Now my aunt is like "haha I was confused for a second because I was pretty sure I had called the house..." D'oh. I just don't know any more man. I just don't know.

I was cleaning my room, because in order to stay clean and organized (one of my resolutions) you have to get clean and organized. Lol. Anyway, So I am trying to put all of these books that I bought and haven't yet read away, which is nearly impossible, because quite frankly I am out of space. And each time I pull a book out of the bags, I go oh yeah! I can't wait to read this! There are so many things I want to read. Once or twice I had wondered what I would do with my spare time after I read all of the books that I wanted too. (Yes I know, what a stupid thought) Then I realized, I will never run out of books to read. There will always be a new book written, always be a book that I hadn't gotten too. And if by some miracle, I couldn't find any new books that I wanted to read, I have so many books, I could just read some of them again. I mean, thats why I like to own all of them. So I can go back whenever I want and read it again. I would so love to have a house with a "library" in it. A nice, warm, cozy room with just shelves and shelves to keep all of the books on. Woohoo, now that I have so many things that I want to read again, it shouldn't be hard to avoid the television.