*Does the "I'm gonna be a sexy bitch if it kills me" dance*. I don't know what is going on, but twice this week, I have had random feelings of aggression. Lol. The other night I went for a walk, made it a whole 3 or 4 songs on my walkman feeling ok! woohoo. Anyway, I was feeling rather aggressive, and had all these not so very nice thoughts.. lol And ran down a hill and was doing the "rocky at the top of the stairs" dance. But then a song came on that burst my aggressive bubble and I was glad I was almost home because I would't have been able to keep it up much longer. And then this morning, I was at work, and for almost an hour I was concerned because I was feeling aggressive and argumentative. I was worried that someone would call, or come in and have an attitude, or say something that would make me angry and I wouldn't keep my head. It went away without any real consequences luckily. I haven't felt any real anger/rage in a while now... I have just been too tired. Funny when you realize that over the summer when I was alone, my worries and fears, and sadness made me very angry at times. To the point where I was attacking my steering wheel, or once I even hit this post outside the shelter. Its a column, helps support the over hang infront of the door. I was so freaking out that I hit it, and it actually moved about 2 inches. Lol, then I had to go to the other side, and punch/push it back into place. I mean, I'v had little angers, ya know, like coming home and being mad at my little cousin for... well just about for anything.. (ha bear with me, I haven't had bread in 4 or 5 weeks), but nothing that drives me to go for a jog, or makes me mad enough that I am going to loose my temper. I have been working so hard at keeping it cool for work because we were so short handed, and the manager was fighting off burn out herself, that I just exhausted myself, and when I could let go, I was too damned tired. Lol, well I am still tired, could probably still go to bed now and sleep until I have to go to work in the morning, and then do it again tomorrow. Rofl! With all of my symptoms, if I didn't know better I would swear I was freaking pregnant. Luckily you can't get pregnant though just from standing in a room while someone talks about sex. Oiy, I should probably go to the doctor, and figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Atleast physically anyway. But that would mean #1 going to the doctor, and #2 spending money on something else. It seems that there are always things competing for money. I mean, there is my car to fix, I need a hair cut (going on 3 or 4 yrs now), need to go to the Dr., have christmas and birthdays coming up, need a new bed, and desperatly need some sort of vacation at some point. Even if its only a week or so at my mom's house, staying away from work, and therefor not getting paid. It will never end. Its about time for me to win the lottery or something. Lol. Oh well, I am done ranting now.

4 more lbs gone! Woohoo. Lol the only thing is that on days I'm not at the gym, I am supposed to be doing something else, walking of course would be the natural choice. Problem is that for me walking = emotional torment = emotional exhaustion. It can't be good for me to go through that 4 times a week. Lol. When I had the dog, we could go on these nice long walk/jogs, and I would be ok, because I was focusing on keeping up with him, my Cubby dog. He kept me ok. Its.... something. The day that the dog was euthanized, everyone checked up on me. I mean, my aunt, my boss, my friends from work, friends outside of work. And that day, that day I was ok, well as ok as I could have been, and didn't want to talk about it, or deal with it. I didn't want to cry on anybodies shoulder, or call anyone in the middle of the night because the walls had come closing in. And everyone told me it was ok to be sad, and I just wanted to think of something else, or not to think at all. To just sit there, and allow something else to occupy my mind. To allow myself to be completely blank. A week passed, and I was hit with a real twinge of how I missed him. Now, 2 months later, and I'm sitting here wondering if it is still ok to be sad. It was ok to be sad before, but no one told me it was ok to just be numb. Now its all over, and i am sad, and no body will get it. Lol talk about procrastination huh? I mean who waites two months to grieve, especially over a dog that wasn't technically theirs? Its a lot of guilt I cope with at this point. The decision I made was selfish. And you can say that I had a right to choose me over him, and that there were a lot of unselfish, logical reasons why I made the right choice. But when it comes down to the direct truth, all of those reasons don't really count. The only reason why they exist is so I don't feel as guilty.
Oiy complete and total distraction, blah I am done.

Ok, now I am snoopy, not my favorite cartoon dog, but the one that actually does seem to fit me the most.



What
cartoon dog are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

Dude! Imma frog! *Ribbit ribbit* I once again get to refer to myself as Megafrog!!!




Which Muppet Are You?

Your a kind, friendly person. You seem to get bossed about alot
(so do something about it) and you love playing instruments!

Well, the meeting went well enough. No decision yet. We have another meeting December 19th I believe. I'v been so tired. I went up to my moms house sunday night, and crashed there for the evening. Did nothing all day Monday, well except take a nap. And then came home and was in bed and asleep before 11. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off, and even though I didn't exactly want to get out of bed, I decided I should, seeing as how I was feeling more awake than I have in weeks. It was nice to be awake again. Lol, my aunt blames it on the psycho diet I am on... and I am sure that is part of it, however, I'm almost positive that there are multiple factors.. such as the season change, stress from work and such, and yeah stuff like that.
Anyway, so you see, I miss my dog. And I want to give a big, heartfelt FUCK YOU to anyone and everyone who helped me decide not to save him. I spent so long rationalizing why I should not adopt him. I still like to rationalize why I made the right decision for me, but that is only to help push back the pain and guilt a little bit, not because I truly feel I was 100% right. I am still able to prevent myself from actually regretting my choice, but oh it hurts. I cried for almost the entire drive up to my mom's house Sunday night, mostly about the dog, which of course led to crying about other things. By the time I got there, I had finished crying, but was warn out physically and emotionally. I walked in and my mom was like.." are you ok, you look exhausted." All I could think of to say was "yeah, i'm just sort of tired lately". She's a good mom, she just left it at that.
If I had adopted my dog, maybe I would be spending too much time focusing on him, and not have enough time/energy to work with any other animals. The fact of the matter is however, that I haven't worked with a single other dog since I lost him. I'm in pain, I don't want to risk falling for another animal that I may not be able to save. Or fall for one and then have it go home to someone else. And I don't want to work really hard with a dog, and keep my distance, not get attached, feel the numbness that I feel for so many of the animals now. It used to take everything out of me not to cry when someone in the shelter was turning in an animal and bawling. Now, I'm like, oh thats sad, I'm sorry, and then thats it, I'm usually over it. I have become so jaded to most of it. Being jaded, its the only way to prevent yourself from an actual clinical burn out, but I don't like being so jaded. It can be as awful feeling nothing at all as it is to be in pain... I think... Lol unfortunatly I don't usually feel both at once, and so therefor can't really give an accurate comparison. And to think... this is me being almost happy. Oiy.
Another good reason for me to avoid reproducing.... this shit is hereditary, just like flat feet. Wouldn't want to risk giving life to someone knowing that no matter how wonderful and loved they are, they could be suicidal because its in the family tree.
Right, so in conclusion, I want my dog and thats all there is to it. I should stop rambling now, my fingers are getting cold.

How in the world does one put a picture up anyway? Is it even possible? lol

Tonight we have another meeting with the town zoning board to see if we will be able to get the variance we requested at work. Heres hoping. We definately need a new building, and its going to be a real pisser if we are denied the variance and have to start again after finding somewhere else to try and build.

I miss my dog. My life right now would be a hell of a lot more difficult if I had him, but I wonder if the difficulty would be balanced out. When I first got my cat, he was very difficult also. I was getting up a half hour early every morning for school so that I could make sure I had enough time to take care of him. At that point my morning routine usually consisted of dragging myself out of bed, putting on clothing (if i hadn't slept in clothes I could wear to school) and then brushing my teeth and leaving. It usually only took me about 5 minutes to get out the door. Lol. So it was a big change.
Granted, the dog would be a heck of a lot more work than the cat was. I'd have to walk him atleast once a day (would be great for my waistline lol), feed him twice a day, make time for training daily, make sure he wasn't eating the cats, rabbit, guinea pig, my aunt, my cousin(s), or visitors. I would always have to be the one to care for him because there was a chance he might bite someone else if I couldn't get to it. I would not feel safe ever leaving him home with my family. They just didn't understand his limitions, and didn't have the bond with him that I did to be pretty sure that they wouldn't receive an actual bite if they did cross his threshold. I know I made the right choice for my family, and for my future, and for my cat, but I still feel it was very selfish of me to not choose him. Because I could have chosen him instead. I had pretty much come to terms with it when I first realized that I wouldn't be able to save him, however, then people kept finding ways that would have made it possible for me to keep him... and I chose to have him killed instead. Ouch. It is a choice that lays heavy on my heart even now, two months later. I try desperatly not to regret my choice, but I wonder, if I had to do it all over again, with the same dog, and the same choice, would I? The last two months haven't been as hard as I was afraid they would be. I thought for sure I would be so down and in the pits, and quite frankly on my way out. I spent the eniter summer afraid of how I was going to feel afterwards. And now there is nothing. Nothing like waiting for the blow that doesn't come. I'm so confused. I want to dwell on it, feel the hurt so vividly, and yet I want to be oh so stoic, and not feel it at all, and be happy and content... maybe its time for some prozac. Lol. Oh well, for now I keep on plugging.

Erm, How the heck do you fix the time? It's 6:18, and this thing is going to tell you that I posted at like 3:23 or something... I did fix the time zone, and it still said posted at 3.... er wait, maybe it fixed itself.. I don't know... I will shut up now

Blah, I am so tired. I want someone to drive me around, so that I may sleep in the backseat of the car. I was always one to fall asleep in the car, and now, on my way home, I always want a nap. Problem being that I am the one driving of course. When I get home though, and get out of the car, its not the same, and I am no longer ready for a nap. I think its time to hire me a personal driver. Lol, only for naps of course. I don't know.. I just know I am tired, and ready to stop being so tired.