Hmmm, they changed the whole look of the posting secton of this. Not in a bad way, or a good way... just different. Uhhhhh its so easy to be numb... so almost comforting. To not empathize. But I am supposed to be empathetic, to nurture my ability to feel, and place my self in other's shoes, and to really feel what they are feeling. But I spent so long in pain, I'd rather just not let it matter. Not let any of it in. Not feel any of it. Just pretend that everything is as simple and as distant as ..... I don't know where I was going with that, I realize there is no way to finish it. I wonder when it was that I decided that I had to give up. Or that I wanted to give up. So much for wanting all the pain only for me, wanting to save everyone else, now I want no part of it. I want no part of anything that makes me feel. I just want to leave that part out. When did that happen? When did I become so ... I don't know the word.

Baby, Baby stay... Stay right where you are, I like it this way... Its good for my heart.... .... Baby baby stayyy.... Gone...
Find what you weren't looking for Hmmmmmm stuff to think on.

I can't feel, the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored...
Cheers to that. I really can't afford to ever feel again like I did once in the past... because next time, I don't want to make it out of it. I just want the feelings to last until its over, until they bring it all to an end, instead of going through that nasty cycle over and over again. I'd rather just not bother with it. I was thinking earlier about relationships that we have with other people. Friends, family... and anyone else that falls under the category of people we love. There is ususally a rather high level of comfort with ones that we love. When you know you can say something that they don't agree with, and you may have a debate about it, but you will still love each other afterwards. When you can do really silly things around them, and its ok. When you can really let your guard down, and be the same person around them that you are when you all alone and no one is watching. When you go to them when you feel weak, and hurt, and happy and overwhelmed with any feelings that need to be shared. I love to watch the very basic, natural physical contacts with people who are comfortable with each other. A hug here, a hand on the arm there, leaning on them, sitting close to them, things like that. Looking at them even. I see this and watch these interactions with other people, and I long for more of them myself. I have so few people, if any, that I am really relaxed around. I always seem to be holding something back, not reaching out when I want to, not speaking up when I want to. Most people never even give thought to these basic relationships, and all that go with them. Most people ahve these relationships regularly, with family members, or close friends, or spouses or lovers. The closest I seem to be able to come to letting the walls down with is my brother, I guess because he is non-threatening in a mental way. Physically threatening he is, simply because I know it would be a real fight to hold my own with him if we decided we ever really had to "step outside". But even there, there is a block, a wall, a tenseness and controls I put in place when I am around him, or anyone. I want that ease, that simple trust that so many other people seem to have. I just want to be able to let down the guard for someone, to not have to keep it built up so much all the time. And to think, this is progress for me. I used to be sooooooooo much more reserved with everyone. I guess I finally realized that wasn't working. Slowly began to creep out of my shell. Either that or the insantiy just couldn't stay inside any longer. LOL. Either way, I am better than I was, but hopefully not as good as I will be.

Monday the Llama gets neutered. I get to help hold him. :-| Happy happy joy joy. LOL One of my foster kittens is very very determined to eat people food sometimes. I put him on the floor 5-10 times, and he kept climbing back up on the bed to get it. And tis quite a hike for him to get on the bed. LOL he should sleep well tongiht. I have to clean, and clean well, as the house is being assessed on monday. Freddie is bored, and i think he is getting frustrated. He wants more room, and to go out and play. Maybe I will try him on the harness again. Hopefully I will be able to find his good harness, and won't have to buy another one. I can't find another of the one that I really like, so I would have to get a different one and resize him. I would be ahppy if I could find the same brand again, as I really like the one that he had, as far as security and ease of sizing goes. He enjoys the kittens, they give him the extra attention and love that he doesn't get from me. The kitten that is obsessed with the human food is also obsessed with crawling on the keyboard as I type. And is quite good at standing on the enter key. Makes things quite interesting in a chat room. Lol.

God never gives us more than we can handle. While I may have my doubts or simple lack of certainty about the power from above and God and all that, I like to at the very least beleive that we never get more than we can handle... althought I know thats not true, or people wouldn't commit suicide. But thats besides the point, as at the moment, I am not suicidal. But I am wondering how much more I get right now, before I'v met my quota of what I can handle. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. But when we are building strength, isn't it safest to do it slowly over prolonged period of time, rather than to pump it up as much as possible, as fast as possible?? Sometimes, I am beginning to wonder. I think I have enough right now to make me strong. So give me a break ok? Lol. I'm just sort of going along in a daze, and not a bad dark cloudy daze, just sort of a happy go lucky wearing the blinders kind of daze. *shrugs* I just don't know. I'm am under attack or something. Trial by fire and such. But I will persevere, I always do, and my landlady said that I would when she read my cards *wink*. Lol I guess we all have to find hope in something, so why not right??

I had my cards read tonight... tarot cards. Wowzers. It was tooooooooooo cooooooooooooool for schoooooooooool man. I am supposedly going to get some sort of promotion or job change in septemberish... she told me I am going to see a long lost friend in August.. (which I am)... that I am healthy... which is a relief... and that I am going to meet and get into a relationship with a redhaired guy who is 5'10'' next feb/march, and that he will some how be connected to work.. and that his sign is a fire sign. Also that my money will continue to be ok, although I need to start saving... and that my brother is ok, mom is in a long term relationship, that will last a good deal longer, my aunt will get sick in the fall, but will recover... wowzers it was crazy. It was good though, very good.

Rahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I? I am me, thats all I can be I guess. Arg, Grrrrrrrrrrr blah... nothing to anyone, sometihng to someone? Not loved enough, needed too much and not enough at the same time. I'm a Libra, supposed to be balanced.... instead of everything in the middle though, I am everthing on both extremes.... so when I pit my self against myself, its a fair fight I guess. and I come out in the middle. But I don't think thats how its supposed to be. To find balance by hainvg and keep ing both extremes is the hard way of going about it I guess. I guess I like to do things, alearn things the hard way... Then again, doesn't everyone my age? I constantly be sorry, and say it over and over, and yet to be too proud to say when I need to. To always be in need of help, and too proud to admit it. To find happiness in sadness, and sadness in hapiness. To laugh so hard that the tears begin to roll, and to end up bawlling my eyes out because of it. To be jealous and envious, and confused, to know all the answers for everone lese, and to know none of them for myself. To find everyone worhty, except for myself. To give and give, and yet be selfish. Who am I? What am I? Confused, baffled, dazed, dry, smart, sensible, irrational, confusing, unintelligent. I am all of the above, and everything else. I am me.

There is never a dull moment sometimes it seems. Be careful what you wish for, what you want, because you might just get it. "Do you know what happened to the little boy who got everything he wanted? No... what? He lived happily ever after" It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be mine. "Hello, Butler, I think I have a new admission for you, could you p[lease send the men with the little white coats?" What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. God never gives us more than we can handle. I think I can I think I can I think I can.

I'm going to Oregon... I'M GOING TO OREGON.... I'M GOING TO OREGON!!!!!! Woohoo! Yeah, I decided I really will go after all, specially since the crazy people aren't all going, only one of them, who I really don't mind being with, cus she isn't as crazy as the rest of them. Wooooottt!!! in the words of the marvy Jenners. I wasn't really sure I would go, actually I thought for sure that I wouldn't go, but then I changed my mind. Now I'm totally stoked. Yeah baby.

It's strange to me that I have to have some very tangible motivation to go to the gym and eat well and such. Blah, its annoying, its easy enough when the motivation is there, but when the motivation isn't... its impoosible.
Keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
Cus I just can't go through
Another heart ache again...
He was my strongest weakness,
I surrenedered heart and soul...
It's gonna be a long long time
till I regain control
I'm still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he'll always be
....Now he's gone and life goes on..
And if this pain will ever end..
Will I be afraid, to risk it all
And ever love one again.... -Wynonna Judd-
Ok stupid of me to think things about a dog I know, but its true. I can't bring myself to get attached to another animal. I like them all, sure I do, but I don't have a particular fondness for any of them at the shelter. And I havven't since I lost Cubby. Because, quite frankly, I can't afford too. I don't want to be in that much pain ever again. And the only way to really avoid it is to not let any of them get to me. Instead I feel myself drawn to one of the horses at the farm, for no reason that I can fathom. I don't know any more, not that I ever did. I thought that someday I would.. that I would be able to change my addy because I wouldn't be so confusded any more, but I'v come to realize that I will always be lost and confused. I will never know all the answers, as much as I want to.

I love my landladies, they are too funny. I can hear them sniping at eachother occassionally in the hall. I get nervous, thinking they are fighting, but its just the normal back and forth of two people who love each other and occassionally get on each others nerves. Its been a long time since I was that comfortable with anyone... I don't think I'v ever been that secure and comfortable with anyone. They like my cat so much they keep coming to visit him. Lol its great.

I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.

Yay!! One of the kittens I was fostering has been adopted. It was being picked up just as I walked in the door from work. 1 down 3 to go. I sitll have the other 2. They might be moving to a sotre to be adopted out tomorrow, but I am not sure. When I walked in the door, Freddie wandered out into the hall way looking for the kitten. He was wondering why he is missing one now. But now he seems to be relaxing, adjusting so quickly to having two to look after instead of 3. He likes playing dad or big brother I think. He does a good job at it, and takes to it so naturally. He would have made a good father. Although its good that he was neutered before he could breed, as he came from a small colony of feral cats. And his father never would have allowed him to breed anyway, Tom was far too much king of the roost and bossy to allow such a thing. A ladies man he must have thought of himself, as none of the other male cats were allowed to touch the female cats.Cat heirarchy, how interesting and ever changing.

It's one thing to have a lot on your plate, its a whole other thing to have so much on yoru plate that the plate is ready to break in half, and stuff is falling off the sides. I was working my tail off on Tuesday from 7 am until 9 pm, and then i picked up dinner, and drove home, which took another hour, it took me 10 minutes to wolf down a half cold calzone, pull off my boots, and promptly collapse into a near coma. I guess it serves me right for not doing much of anything productive at all on monday. But oh well, I needed a day to relax, between work, and the farm, and grooming the horse, and taking care of 3 foster cats, plus my own pets, I was beat. Things are still busy busy, but should be getting relatively normal and situated some time in the almost near future. Once we are back up to a full crew at work, and the kittens are gone, things will be that much easier. I haven't found time to go to the gym in weeks. I feel bad, now everytime I do walk in they always give me a look and ask me where I have been. Makes me want to avoid them, and even less likely to go! I guess I just have to suck it up, and find time to get there. I have the time, Its just that that 45 minutes I am usually using to sleep, or spend with my cat, or stop by the shelter, or get to the farm early or whatever. I will have to figure it out, becdause I do want to keep going. And I don't want to pay $30 a month and then not use it. I don't like to waste money like that. So I will ahve to figure it all out. Yippy skippy.

Animal Rescue/Welfare/Sheltering/Care, ... (maybe not rescue, but I don't know what to call it), can be a job, it can be a hobby, it can be a way of life. It can be all three, none of the above, or some combination. For me I think its some combination of all three. I work at an animal shelter, so very clearly its a job. I volunteer at a theraputic riding facility(so I can be close to the horses), have pets of my own, so it is a hobby as well. I take home animals that need extra tlc, I am fostering 3 kittens for my landladies, I take care of their horse, so its also a way of life for me. Some people at work see it as just a job. Other people see it as just a job, but think that other people should be devoted whole heartedly to it. I think I'm kind of the only one who really looks at it as all three. Or maybe others look at it as all three, only instead of focusing so much on the shelter, focus more of their attention on other aspects of it. I don't know. I konw that we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses, and we probably all are subject to being the one that a couple of the others are griping about. Things seem to get rather catty at times. I wish there could be less moaning and groaning behind each others backs, and more open, outright communitcation. It would help us all do a better job, we would get along better, all be that much less stressed. And if I were being told what people's gripe with me is, then atleast I won't be sitting here wondering wdhat they are thinking, what they are saying to each other about me. The underlying reason I would like more open communication seems selfish, and it is, although it has a perfectly logical aspect as well. Hmmm, how very interesting.

Just got home from picking up some dogs that came up to our shelter from West Virginia. Had to go to Connecticut to pick them up. The trip should have been about 3 to 3 1/2 hours round trip... It turned out to be more like 5. Ugh, there was traffic and construction, it was pretty wretched. Although I got to borrow a van that had a radio. Which made the entire trip very very nice, because it sucks driving 5 hours with no radio. Lol, I'v been there done that, it gets a little crazy. Found this really cool radio station in CT too that I would love to find a sister station too in RI. I don't know what kind of music its called, but its all like native american flutes and percussion and basically stuff that you could meditate too or do something else on the spiritual sort of nature. Its great backround music, and there are almost no commercials. And there were no songs that really went against my grain if you know what I mean. You know, when your listening to something, and there is just a song or two that you can't stand to listen to because it annoys you. Yeah, there was none of that. It was cool beans daddio. I crashed at a friends house last night. I didn't realize how badly I needed to have a girls night until I was there, laughing away, and realizing that I felt 100% better than I had 45 minutes earlier as I was driving there bawling my eyes out. I guess I just needed a few jokes from some friends and a few shots of captain morgan to get over the blues. lol. I'm fostering these three kittens, about 5 wks old now, they live in a rabbit cage near my bed. They were in teh cage all day yesterday, and all night last night, plus almost all day today. I got home, let them out while I went to go pick up the dogs, and then I put them back when I got home so freddie could have some quiet time, and because I am going to bed soon. They are freaking out. Pushing up against the bars and screaming and such. They want out. I will liet them out in the morning before I clean up all the messes they made. Not those kinds of messes, but just general messy things, like kibble spilled around, and litter tossed around and such. They will be adopted in a few weeks though. Anyway, good night and good riddance.

I'v been waking up sad the last..... few days..... maybe into the last week or two. Thats how it starts, I find myself sad when I wake up, and then it continues to follow me into the rest of the day. Then it starts waking me up randomly in the early early morning, between 2:30 and 5:30, just wake up crying, depressed. Waiting and hoping morning will come soon so I can get up and be active and pretend to forget about it. Then I won't be able to drive without crying. And then I will be depressed everytime I am not immediately doing something else, smiling, pretending to be ok. Thats where the cycle goes. I'm not really sure how to prevent it, how to stop it in the phase its in, how to reverse it, or skip ahead to the being numb and being "ok" part. How to skip all the bad steps in between. I don't know what it is that has me waking up sad. I just know that when my alarm clock goes off, and I get up and am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and doing whatever it is that I do before going to work, I am sad. I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do before everything is really completely and totally hunky dory and dandy. Just down right ducky. Maybe real people never actually get to that part. But I think, I think, I believe that there are people who don't do this. Who are ok almost constantly. And I think that those people are actually the rule, not the exception. But I'm not sure. And I don't know how to find out. And even if I did find out, what would that mean? Probably nothing. Then I would just know for a fact that I am screwed up instead of normal, which is simply an opinion, a belief instead of a fact at this point.

I was at work on Tuesday, and two people came in and asked me "what happened to that chow", referring to Cubby. And both people remembered me as the girl who wanted to adopt him, who was so in love with him, that he was always introduced to everyone as "Megen's dog". Both people who I hadn't seen since last summer when they came into the shelter, both came in at different times on the same day. And both asked about "that chow". One lady just looked at me and said she doesn't know how I can live with so much sadness everyday. I found thta very interesting. And then 15 minutes later an older couple came in and told me how "it must be soooo much fun to work here". I was exasperated, and just sort of looked at them funny and was like.. Uhhh, well I guess sometimes. I didn't know how to tell them how sad it can be, how tiring and frustrating and all consuming it can be. Oh well, I Possibly messed up by not just going, "yeah its great I love it", and by not being able to expalin why I wasn't saying that. *shrugs* I am fostering these three 4 wk old kittens for my landladies. They are living in a spare bunny cage in the livingroom/bedroom, for the last coupble of days. I let them out for play time when I am home. Freddie hated them at first, and now he is on the floor trying to play with them. It's pretty cute.

Ok, so more on what I was saying earlier, as I was so kindly interrupted. My whole life would be different, and I would still be looking to fill some void, that Freddie, Gita, and Cubby simply couldn't fill. I would not be able to volunteer 3 days a week at the farm, I wouldn't have been able to move out, I wouldn't have a good relationship with my cat. I wouldn't have been able to go to the conference for work, or to any of the parties that I have since gone to. I wouldn't have been able to go to friends houses for the night, and I wouldn't be able to ... do a lot of different things. I miss him. I feel guilty about not adopting him. I have his picture framed on top of my computer monitor. It's the only picture I have that is framed or on display. I hesitate to get attached to any other animals. But I understand how different things would be if I had adopted him. Just something I have been thinking about. May 16th will be the 8th month since he was euthanized. Destroyed. I just don't know.

I was thinking, if I had adopted the dog, my dog, The Cubby-Bear Dog, my whole life would revolve around taking care of him, and keeping him safe, as well as keeping him out of situations where he could possibly be aggressive.