Is all really fair in love and war?

Blah. Is it fair to allow someone to become your friend if you are depressive? Everyone has had one of those "dooms day" friends. You know, the one that is always sad about something, no matter how good things are going, and they always think its the end of the world. Being a friend, you support their "sharing" at first... but then it really begins to get on your nerves, and you want to just yell at the person and tell them to get over it. Most of the time, people tend to drift away from the doomsday person after a while, because it can be depressing just to be around them.
I don't want to be that dooms day person. So, I try to avoid talking about anything that bothers me with people who might be my friends. Which then leads them to think that I don't trust them. But, I don't want to tell them whats going on, and then I'd get into the habit of talking to them about it everytime... and then they would feel depressed nearly every time they talk to me.. and that would chase them off. So instead, I don't talk to them about it. Is it fair for me even to try and make friends with anyone if I am sad? I mean, it might rub off on them, if I get really into a funk, then they will feel sad, and if I go over the edge.. then they have to deal with everything that goes with that. I know this really makes me sound completely crazy (then again, I dont hear anyone arguing with that fact even when I'm not really going over the top), but, I wish I could just painlessly cut all my ties. With everyone. Without putting anyone out. Without making anyone sad. Without anyone going.. "Oh where did she go?", or "How did I get so out of touch", or anything like that. If I have no connections on earth, then I don't have to pretend to be ok. I don't have to worry about what will happen to so & so if I go over the edge... "blow out my candle" as I saw it once in a book. I realize its definatly a step down on the spiral to be having these thoughts.. especially regularly. I didn't think I'd get these thoughts back. It was all such a comfort a little over a year ago... now I'm back to fighting it a bit... I don't know what to do. Go get help is the logical answer, but thats not possible. Its just not going to happen. Theres nothing to be so down about...life is just the same as ever... Theres just nothing to look forward to any more.

"Time's just a train, rolling down the track, every minute is a boxcar you don't get back..."

"...take a look around you.. It's all gonna change.. Whatever you see its never gonna stay the same..."

I was digging through some stuff, looking for my passport and some paper to write on.. and I came across old letters I had saved. Most of them from a long lost best friend. The person I went to Oregon to see this past summer. It had been so long since we had talked or written.. we were complete strangers to each other. She was still definatly herself. But me? Was I me? I know I was the me that I am, but did I at all resemble the me that I was? Its so strange to think of how time changes everything. What time can do to our dreams, to our friendships, to what we believe. Time changes everything, even what we expect and what we think might make us happy. What might make life livable. I feel like I still have so much to figure out, so much to change, but at the same time, I can't beleive that I may have to live another 50 years like this. Minute by minute, day by day, year by year... time just slips away... and as much as everything changes.. what if nothing gets better? Then what? When do I get to throw in the towel and call it quits? Why did I allow myself to turn into this, and why can't I get myself out of it now? What am I gonna do with 50 years of boxcars still to watch slip away... all alone, with nothing and no one to fill in the void?

Eeewwwwwwwwww and YUCK!!!

Ok, so I have this ... thing on my side. It's a skin tag I guess... only, its big. Like....probably an inch circumfrence. Most skin tags are only like... a millimeter high. Anyway, its in a wierd spot, and sometimes gets all twisted up and stuff. If it gets twisted around enough times, it looses circulation... and then turns all scary shades of purple and black. When it gets untwisted, and regains circulation, it regains its normally fleshy color, turns a little red, and then swells up and sticks out straight. (If I were a skinny minny, people would probably notice it through my clothes) Anyway, the thing doesn't really have a lot of feeling. I mean, I really have to squeeze it hard or dig my fingernails into it to feel anything. So being slightly obsessive, and a little concerned about this thing on my side, last night, I was poking at it with a cutical scissor. (This is where I get crazy and stupid to boot) So I'm wondering if I could cut it off. It looks kind of like a raisin, although a bit larger. and its attatched by this little bridge of skin. Its Weird. It looks kind of like this.. : ( )-o the big thing is me, the dash is the skin bridge, and the o is the thing. Anyway, the bridge part - has a lot of of sensation, more feeling than the rest of it. So I was thinking that I would try and cut the thing a little, and I would simply stop as soon as I could feel it. (Maybe the cutical scissors were really sharp). Anyway, So I start pressing into just a little bit of the top with the scissors. and next thing I know, I'v made a little cut.. and no feeling... so I just keep going! Then there's this little peice that I'v cut off!!! EEEEeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww So I'm squishing the little peice I cut off, and a little blood come out. So I look down at the thing on my side, and now its bleeding. OOPs. LOL It felt a little uncomfortable, but it still didn't really hurt. Ahhhhh this thing is scary, and I should probably have it looked at. Oh well, Just don't have the cash at this point to go to the DR. unless it gets really scary, like growing or gets infected or something.

Summery and bubbly? HA!

You are -
Cute sandals!
Summery and bubbly... but with large amounts of
sand between your toes!


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His life must have been pretty bad if he wanted to blow up the school and stuff ... DUH!!!

On the news was a story about a boy who was recently possibly plotting to blow up the school. He had homemade napalm, a corpse list, photo's and lay outs of the school, and places where possible bombs could go. He was arrested before he did anything. They interviewed a girl that went to school with him. She was one of the "normal" people. She said that the boy was very strange, always dressed oddly, and was antisocial, but that they never thought he'd do anything violent. Then she goes on to say that his life must be pretty bad for him to want to blow up the school and hurt people. LIKE NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! The poor boy has probably been feeling like the world is ending and he has to stop the pain. That girl doesn't have a clue of what that poor guy probably feels. Having been an oddity that had no friends and was insanely lonely... I quite frankly don't really blame the boy for wanting to blow up the "normal" people. Even if they haven't done anything horridly out of the ordinary to him, that doesn't make the fact that they neglect to include him or think that they are better then him any less hurtful. I'm not saying that its right for him to blow people up mind you. I'm just saying, that clearly, something needs to be done. Now that these people who are in this much pain have fairly easy access to such weapons of destruction, if we don't want any more Columbines, then people need to pay attention. We need to make sure that people do not feel that alienated. Oiy, when will the world get it?

"I can't feel... the way I did before... Don't turn your back on me..."

Theres this chow mix at work. He reminds me soo much of Cubby. I know he is himself, and not Cubby, but, my heart goes out to him. He is definatly a chow mix, and he knows it, unfortunatly. If he wasn't so chowish in temperment, then he would probably have been adopted already. He's been at the shelter since July. I keep having.. flashforwards I guess. Not exactly a flash back of Cubby, but I can see the same thing happening with Butch. Or, it being the same basic story. I'm so afraid to like him. So afraid to give him any extra TLC. He needs it, but I don't know that I want to put myself into that position again. I already have to a certain extent, working with him on the "leave it" command. I can't have a dog. I don't even have time for my cat or my rabbit or my turtle. So I definatly don't have time for a dog. Also, I'm not allowed to have a dog where I live, and my apartment is way to small, and my cat HATES dogs. I mean, Butch is great with cats, but my cat would try to kill him. I hope he gets adopted soon. The longer he is at the shelter, the more attached I will get. And sometimes, even after 6 years, I can't prevent it. Logic doesn't work, and for some reason I can't build up the walls around my heart to fend them off. For now I will have to limit my contact with him I guess. I just don't know what else I could do.

Whats in a Name?

I went to this fair while I was in Oregon. They had a church group that was handing out certificates that have your name, and what your name means. They just look up your name in the computer, and print out the paper. The people I was with all had theirs done, and the people with the computer were asking me. I told them they probably didn't have my name, especially not the way I spell it. Well, lo and behold, they had my name, even spelled correctly. Turns out that my name is really very very old. It means "a pearl". I wonder if my mom knows that my name meant something. I always thought we just didn't know how to spell, or liked our children to feel alienated, as we all spell names differently. I never really looked at as a tradition to spell names differently... it never crossed my name until just now. Maybe, just maybe, thats something that we have that we pass down.

Me, Myself, and I.. or someone else?

I am really attached to my cat. I am uncomfortable around other people. My cat offers something no person can offer. Complete and total unconditional love. Ok, so maybe if I started beating him, and then never fed him, he wouldn't love me, however, I'm not going to start doing that. What I mean is, I don't have to hide anything from him. I could have every nasty, bad habit around, and he will still greet me at the door. I could.. pick my nose, and fart and burp constantly, and do lots of other things that are something other than lady like, and he won't judge me, he won't care. I can come home crying every day for 2 years, and he will still love me. He won't get fed up with me. Won't give up and not be able to tolerate my sadness any more. I could way 500 lbs, or 100 lbs, and he will still love me. When I am around just Freddie, I don't have to hide anything, be anything that I am not. I don't have to put on a face, or a front. I don't have to censor myself, or pretend to have it all together. I don't have to be sad, or happy. I can be anything, anyway, me and myself , and I. In front of other people, we censor ourselves. We think about what we do before doing it. We make sure we are fairly polite, respectable. I don't have to do any of that for the cat. I can just BE.

Birthdays

My birthday was a few days ago. There was really no todo about it. I was feeling rather sad, as I do on most of my birthdays. A few years ago, I was at work on my birthday, and feeling much of the same. The manager asked me to go check the mail. I told her I had checked it on my way in that morning, but she told me she really needed me to go check it again, because she was waiting for something to come in. So I was like, fine, ok, no prob. I went and got Cubby (the mailbox is at the end of a very long drive way, so it was a short 5-10 minute walk with the dog), and checked the mail. Just as I thought, the mailbox was empty. So I sat down back at the shelter, out in the drive way, and spent a little time with the dog. Then Paula knocked on the window, and tells me I have a phone call. So I get up, and go inside. Reaching for the phone, i look around, and realize that everyone is wearing party hats and their is a cake on the desk. They threw me a mini suprise party. It was great. It totally made my day. Anyway, since then, that has been the the general rule of thumb for birthdays. Bring in a cake, and a present, and have a little celebration. Well, my birthday this year fell on a day where the most people are out. So, there was no celebration. Not even a happy birthday. No word from my family. No word from friends. Towards the end of the day, my cousin came into work and brought me a piece of cake. It was nice. But it was sad, because other than in a chat room, that was it. My mom called the next day. Anyway, the whole thing was rather dissappointing. On Tuesday, the manager looked at the calander and was like, "oh man, it was your birthday, we need to have a cake". Then that was the end of it. Well, Today, she brought in cupcakes and a present. It was a little late, but it was such a nice gesture. It really made my day. Made me feel much better about the whole thing. I'm still lonely, and need people in my life who really get it, but , maybe they care a little more than I usually think they do. I don't know. I just don't know, and don't think I will ever have it figured out. Maybe some day it will all fall into place, but I doubt it. No point in worrying about it at this point though. Another year to go before I have to worry about being forgotten on my birthday again. Now I just have to worry about ThanksGiving and Christmas.

Ideas Anyone??

Today must have been idea day. I was on a roll this morning. I think I had 3 or 4 ideas... although I can't currently remember what they are.

Reading that makes me feel like a total blond. LOL Anyway, I'm talking like... ideas of things that may make things easier or whatever.

Memories

Memories are strange. Sometimes we remember the most random details of our life. For instance, Living on BI, I remember:
Getting icecream with my mom at "The Icecream Place" (yes, thats the name of it) and wanting a sugar cone but getting a wafer cone.
Wanting Bubblegum Icecream.
Making my mom lick the icecream cone because I couldnt keep up with the dripping.
Offering her a taste of my icecream for a taste of hers.
Going into the restaurant and asking "can I get some cheeeeesseee luiseeee."
The taste of rice cakes with peanutbutter and honey on them.
The wooden honey stick in the drawer next to the sink.
The deeeep sink in the bathroom in the restaurant.
Learning to blow bubbles in my gum in the restaurant.
Singing Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, while hiding under the counter, sneaking sugar packets.
Spinning on the stools.
Kristina biting her tongue so hard I thought she was dying.
Jess eating a rock, then eating cat food.
Trying to sneak out of my friend's house in the middle of the night because her mom was babysitting me. She stationed her oldest son on the couch to catch me. I still got out.
The orange and white longhaired kitten that we kept in the bathroom. We had to give him away because we couldn't let him out, and we couldn't keep him inside.
Being terrified of Daddy cat.
My mom eating junior mints, until last year I thought she liked mint chocolate like I do because of that.. it turns out she sometimes like junior mints... but in general, does not like mint + chocolate.
Laying on the living room floor crying because I didn't know if my father was dead or alive.
Hating the color green because I left my paints outside under the picnic table, and the green got ruined in the rain.
Trying to dig a hole in the sand while I had a hangnail on my pinkey and how much it hurt.
A lot of crazy, stupid, insignificant little things. All from before I was 5 yrs old. People need to realize how much they affect even young children. Children are sponges. And everyone that they meet may have a major affect on them.

My kittens are doing ok. They started really eating out of a bowl today. Two of them ended up with their entire faces and the tops of their heads covered in formula mixed with wetfood. They put their faces in the bowl and come up coughing. It takes them a few tries to understand that they can not go snorkling in the food dish. But they are learning. They are also very slowly figuring out the litterbox thing. It will take a while with no mom to teach them, but they will get it.

Why Do We Dream if Our Thoughts Have No Meaning?

Ugh, My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me how lonely I am. The only person who it seems to have occured to is (Besides Joanne, Thanks JO!!!) is one person at work. Soooo... my plan is to get some alcohol, sit here, and drink myself into a stupor while crying to my cat. And if my family doesn't even call me, well then, I might have to "work" at both my jobs on Christmas. Which is basically like cutting off my nose to spite my face, or shooting myself in the foot, but ya know... they don't need me, so why should I need them. :*( Anyway, now I keep having these dreams about being the person left out, and everyone in the dreams are people that I used to go to school with. Dreams that make me want to cry, and then I wake up because I'm so lonely it hurts. Arg, I don't want to do this any more. There is no end in site for it. It just doesn't stop. I watched this movie, About a Boy the other night. It was great. went from Hugh Grant drinking himself into a stupor because he was bored on Christmas, to him having lots of friends and family around, and enjoying it. Too bad thats not in the stars for me. I wonder what makes me so messed up that I can't accept love from people who would be willing to give it to me, and makes almost everyone else dislike me. Ugh, sometimes I dread to think that I may have another 50 years like this.

How to know when its time to wash the dishes

You know its time to wash the dishes when:

You have been eating out for a week because there are no clean dishes left to eat on or cook in
You consider throwing out all of the dishes and buying new ones rather than washing them
You have algea growing in your pots that you left to "soak" to make them "easier to clean"
You buy antibactieral and scented dishsoap.. because its needed.
The smell from the sink rivals the smell from the bathroom on "Mexican night"
The dishes make the sllluuurrrpppp sound when you try to pry them apart.
You can't cook, because, besides the lack of clean dishes.. the dirty dishes over run the stove, and create a fire hazard.
You wonder if you should just move to a new home instead of cleaning the kitchen.
Your honestly afraid of finding some living creature in the sink or on the counter under or in one of the dishes.
Your hands smell like they are rotting after you finish washing the dishes.
You refuse to have anyone over, god forbid they should see your kitchen.
You want to wear a biohazard suit before entering the kitchen.
None of the dishes and can even consider being washed before they have soaked in HOT HOT HOT soapy water for 20 minutes.
And... When you can honestly no longer remember the last time you washed the dishes.

What a day... it was a case of the straw that almost broke the camel's back... just sort of one little thing after another... was not my day... ending in my car breaking down in the middle of the road at a stop light. And it wouldn't start again. Well, I manage to get home, get the farm fed (in the dark, and the cow was mooooing cus she was hungry), walk to the store to buy something for dinner, and then check my messages. I got a phone call from this guy, from some car company. I apparently entered at one point to win a Chevy Tahoe, and I am a finalist in the drawing. LOL The winner will be notified by telephone at some point. I don't remember enrolling in some contest, but cool beans just the same. LOL Woohoooooo.

Whats your soul worth?

Your soul is worth £46097. For your peace of mind, 15% of people have a purer soul than you. <----- thats what the quiz told me. http://www.wewantyoursoul.com is the link. Have fun. :-)

Which Family Guy Character are you? Take the Quiz!


I found this way to funny. ROFL... who'da thought I would be.... well... me.

OMG don't ever hit escape before you have something saved. D'oh!

I don't know if I am jumping the gun or not, but I ... I think maybe, after a year, I finally reached the final accepted stage of grieving. Acceptance. Yesterday was officially a year since Cubby was euthanized. And I look at his picture, and I think about him, and it feels....... different. Now... it feels more like all the others. Almost like, I don't know, like maybe its time to put the picture away. To not cry over him any more. I only had one spazzy moment yesterday, when the manager and I were talking about another chow mix thats currently at the shelter, and she said, "Maybe he just likes you". With Cubby, that was a very common phrase. Told to me, potential adopters, other staff members, everyone. "He only likes her, He's her dog". As soon she said that maybe Butch, the chowmix who is currently at the shelter, just liked me, I immediatly replied with "If anyone says that he is my dog, I will quit. I will walk out right now, and never return." I had warned everyone against saying that last winter, and the warning still stands. Wendy defended herself, saying that she hadn't said that, but I just said that I know, and that I was simply reminding her, that I really would leave and never look back if I heard that phrase. And then that was it. That was my only "Moment". And now, ... everything feels... different. Almost, jeepers I hate to say it... fake. Like, I'm only pretending. Like, He was just another dog. I got so used to the "mourning" stage, that this feels odd. I will adjust, and like I said, maybe I'm jumping the gun. Maybe I'm just to warn out to feel it today. But maybe, just maybe, ... I am/ have/ moving/moved on.

Ok, I just finished watching the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant. I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan or anything like that, but I was in the video store the other day, and saw it used for $7. I remember seeing the commercials for it and thinking it might be cute, and I have no life, so wanted a movie to watch. Anyway, I bought it, and I watched it tonight. It was soooooo cute. I really liked it. Yay! I just thought it was ... sort of the happy ever after but not overly completely 110% cheeseball kind of movie. So Yeah, I really liked it.