Whats so wrong with being happy....March 16th came and went, and I didn't even notice until a week later. I didn't even think "hey the 16th is coming up sometime soon" before. I guess it just goes with the territory of healing, is not noticing any more. I guess thats a good thing. I still think its going to be a very long time before I ever fall that hard for an animal without being able to take it... or without choosing to take it. After all, I was technically able to take Cubby. I simply chose not to. Although the decision was far from simple, in any way of the word. The decision was very tough to make, it took a lot of gut wrenching thought, and more than a few tears and hysterical sobs. The desicion was also multi faceted. It had many sides, many reasons, .... many excuses. Blah ok enough for now.

Before we had officially gone to war with Iraq, I was thinking. (ohhh shocking and dangerous I know). I was thinking of almost how convinient it was. We have had a slumping economy since Bush became president. He has tried a few different things to get it to perk up. Even cut taxes and sent us all the difference from our previous tax return. I can't even imagine how much money that cost him. WE anyway, he tried these different things, to no avial really. Here we are, more than halfway through his term in office, and still having trouble. Economists say that war is good for the economy. This is not something they keep as a secret. Now I am not saying that the only reason we declared war was because of a slumping economy, as all wars are extremely multifaceted. I am mearly saying that it is yet another reason for prowar from the governments standpoint. Talking this over with a friend, and antiwar person, she said that it takes years for anything to show an affect on the economy. Even war. I believe she was wrong. We were officially at war for maybe 3 days when I heard it on the news brief..."The stock market is seeing its best week in over 20 yrs." "Oil prices are dropping, have dropped more this week than they have in any one week ever, it won't be long before we see the results of those falling prices at the gas station" And then they asked about what other great affects the war would have on our economy. Years to affect the economy... It looks like all of 3 days to me. So I am not "Prowar", but I am not "Antiwar" either. Do I like the idea of being at war, or of killing a bunch of people, or of our government over throwing the government of another country. Nope I don't. Do I like the idea of a countries government led by someone who will have his own son assisinated, or that uses torture on its citizens for no reason. (Torture is wrong in any light, but is slightly more forgiveable in certain circumstances, such as when the person is a criminal and the life of other innocent people hang in the balance, although I am still not for it) Or of a governement who is not going to go along with the UN, not because they feel they don't need the UN, but because they don't like the rules of the UN, such as getting rid of weapons of mass destruction? No, I don't. I don't know the right answer. One smart thing Bush said, (again I know, Shocking) is that we will be foolish to assume that Sadam will change from how we know him to be. I use the term know loosely. I am all for giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they show that they don't deserve it. But the average person doesn't have control of an entire country of people. Of an arsonal of weapons that can harm or kill hundreds/thousands of people. Do I think Sadam should be dead? I don't have enough information to make the decision. But I do believe that he should not be in charge of a snail, never mind an entire country.

Wooohooooo! I got some good news Tuesday. Me and anohter girl from work one a full scholarship to a conference in New Hampshire in the end of April. Hotel costs and conference fees. I am so excited. We were going to get ot go even if we didn't win the scholarship, but for the two of us it would have cost the shelter a few hundred dollars. So its nice to know that we get to go, and get to offset the costs. Woohoo! Our exective director was fired two a few days before we got the news, so thats sort of a bummer not to be able to tell him, but bah. It would seem that the board who fired him didn't actually know all fo what his job entailed, and so there is no one really who can properly train the interim director, or the one that will be hired in 3 months when the interrim director leaves. It would seem that the board might have been a little hasty in the termination of the previous director. As far as I know, he wasn't even given 2 wks notice or anything. So things may be a beit interesting as we proceed forward with no one really sure who to call or who should be paying the bills or who should be picking up the cash box weekly. :My face is itchy for some reason. blah. Things feel off today. I am not sure why... just something is amiss it would seem. Tomorrow I go and have my finger x-rayed again. hopefully he will tell me that it is healed. I think it will still take a little while for it to function completely normally thouhg. I still can't straighten it all the way. The top joint just won't flex up. But I can almost make a tight fist again. It gets a little sore if I try to lay it completely flat though. I don't know. I will find out more tomorrrow. Woohoo I might not be the quieen of all typos any more... may have my position reduced to typo princess or dutchess instead. Would be nice. I am typing with it now... its still a little off, but with each word it gets back iinto the swing of things. LOL. Who knew a finger could be such a paiin.

Ms P O Jones: ooh- i meant to tell you
Ms P O Jones: saturday morning amy's all "i really like megen. i'm so happy we got to hang out with her. she's such a nice person and she's so genuine, and she seems to be opening up more to me and that's cool!"
Ms P O Jones: amy was like, raving about you! we love you megen, you're so much fun!
SSmilingsuicide9: awwwwwwww
SSmilingsuicide9: stop yer gonna make me all weepy
SSmilingsuicide9: lol
SSmilingsuicide9: well i8 love you guys too
Ms P O Jones: lol, awwww. I just thought i'd pass some compliments on your way.
Ms P O Jones: we've got to get together more often, all of us. and sara too!
SSmilingsuicide9: most definatly

The above was a convo between me and a frioend who i met throiugh work. AWWWWWWWWWWWW I have the coolest friends in the whole world! *runs ioff and cries some* sorry i just had to put that herer so that i have somewhere to look when i need to remember that i do indeed have friends.

I was thinking about the offer that my cousin gave me to move in with her and her fiance' and a mutual aquantince sometime over the summer. At first I said yes. I like to have a lot of time to think things over really thouroughly, because I need time to consider all of thge pro's and cons and such. I didn't really have that chance, as I was on the phone with her and she sort of suprised me. And at first I thought that I was pretty sure that thats what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. I liek to be able to come home to my cat being happy to see me, and getting up ion my lap, to the peace that I know I will have.. or atleast sometimes to the wanting and liking, not sometimes to the having, to having my own mailbox, that no one else is going to touch, and so I am the only one who will loose my mail. To having my mess and only my mess to look at, and to clean. To only having my own phone fcalls to answer or return, and not to have to deal with anyone else taking or not taking messages, or loosing the phone. Or leaving lights on. Or having the TV on too loud. Or having people over when I am too tired to change and be presentable. Only my own guests to keep me up at night when I have to work the next morning. Life with them, back in that house, means... more space to move. A shower big enough to shave my legs in, a bath tub if I want to take a bath. A quieter neighborhood. A nice place to take relaxing walks before or after dark. Here there is so much traffic, and so many street lights, the walk wouldnt be any fun, and would be significantly more dangerous. To have more than 200 sq ft. of room to move around, and for Freddie top have more room to move around inside, plus a nice yard outside. It also means much more social interactions. To get to be included more often, even if it only by default. It also however means, parties on nights when I have to work in the morning. Lots of visitors. Having other people have a lot of access to Freddie. Having people loose my mail. Or wake me up. Or interrupt me on the phone. It means having other people take messages for me, and me having to take messages for other people. It also means having other peoples dishes to do, and other people's mess to clean up. And other people to check with if I plan on doing something in the house. It also means less bills (all utilities included except heat), and less rent (by $125 a month). It also means a lot of things. It means moving back into that house that I dreamed day and night every day since I was 8 of leaving. It wouild be different and better, but I fear I am like my mother in my avoidance of places that have bad memories. If my cousin was to call me today and tell me that her mom isn't going to move out after all, I dopn't think I would be sad. If my aunt does move, and the house is for rent, will I still agree to move in? I am not sure. My cousing and I were supposed to talk last week sometime to discuss some of the details, but she never called me again. And I am in no rush. May things look different to me in another month or two? Of course. I may be turning myself inside out for human companionship by then. Right now I am ok because I just had a fix on Friday. But only time will tell for now...

It was time to change the template again. I really liked the one that changed colors, but I needed something new. So here we go.

Ahhhh! My computer is being difficult. The last two times I have tried to post something here, it some how gets erased befor I get to post it. It could have something to do with the fact that I am sitting on my bed, holding the keyboard on my lap or on a pillow, and especially with the broken finger, am likely to hit the wrong key/button. I can't be bothered to retype either thing right now, as my back is getting sore from sitting like this, and so I need to move. I guess anyone will just ahve to talk to me directly to hear about my drunken slumber party or my dream about the dog. Or I will just wait until the motivation strikes me again.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

:*( don't hit the excape button if you haven't saved what you want to post on here. :*( boohoo+

Ugh, I have to go to the doctor. I don't want to. I was good and actually called information and got the number. Thats a step in the right direction atleast. I still have to get around to actually calling them. Ha. I told myself back in December that if things weren't alright by Feb 1st, I would call... its now March 5th. Talk about procrastination. It hasn't been ok since July, I mean what can they tell me? I don't think they are going to chalk it up to stress. I am significantly less stressed now than I was, and I have been less stressed for a month now, long enough for my hair to stop falling out in clumps, so if it was stress, things should be better by now. I don't dare think of what it could be, I am too young for it to be the only thing I can think of. I dont' mean the whole "i am too young to be this old" bit, I mean, they say that people under certain ages almost never ever have it, or atleast this kind anyway, or a similar kind? I don't know. I just know that they aren't going to examine me and go "oh don't worry, its just from a lack of iron or donating too much blood or some such thing, and all you have to do is this or that and tada everything will be ok." Ok, so they might say that, or something similar, however, I just don't see it. Then I think of something that I heard once. Almost all ailments that adults suffer from are from neglect of themselves. From major procrastination to get little problems taken care of. I just have to call them. And go. But I don't think I can afford it if I have to go for any testing. I have no health insurance. Its $335 just to walk into the express care unit at the hospital and have my finger looked at. That guy didn't even do anything! I can't even imagine how much it will cost to have tests done. Jeepers.

I watch the news, there are terrorist attacks all over the place. And yet, while other people lilve in fear, unsafe leaving their home, unsafe staying in their home, I will go to the gym, go to work, go to the store, and go to the farm. I will sit and eat and ponder and read and worry, without anything overly significant to worry about. What right do I have to feel bad when others have it soo much worse.

i am going to be out of books before the end of the year I fear. I have read...3-4 books since i moved. Which to some people doesnt seem like alot, but thats in like a month. I seem to just be devouring them. I started volunteering at a farm that does theraputic riding tonight. I got to watch a class, which eased my fear of having to participate in one. And I got to groom some horses. Woohoo. And Weds night there will be an actual voliunteer orientation, in which we get to practice leading, side walking, and take turns being the rider. Ohhh scary. lol. I was so proud of myself when i picked my first hoof. lol I think I can get used to this barn work and working with horses... and its bound to be good for both my resume', and my physique *flexes a few muscles*

I am reading this book, which is pretty good. Anyway, in the book, at one point it says something to the effect of "Its hard to let yourself love what you know you may never have". I feel so sad. I just want to hide under the bed and cry, and cry and cry some more. And I am not sure why. I am being worn down at work again, it seems to be a spring affliction for me for some reason. I want someone to make the pain go away. I don't want to cry any more right now. Although crying is not worse than not being able too. I am feeling overwhelmed from work beccause it is conflicting. I want to help and give the animals the benefit of the doubt, and give the people who come in the benefit of the doubt, but when your wrong, your oh so very wrong, and it sucks. On the other hand, if you don't give everyone the benefit of the doubt, everyone suffers. Animals get put to sleep, and miss out on their chance for a home. I wish there was a right answer. I am so tired for now. I want some time off, I need a break. But I jsut have to take it one day at a time, becuase I know that I will be ok again in a llittle while, if I just keep plugging along. If I don't think of the never ending-ness of it, then it is easier to deal with all of the little bits. Its also scary because now that we have been turned down yet again by the town, one of the options on the horizon is closing down. Letting the money run out, or giving all of the money to the ASPCA and justr closing the doors. Getting rid of the animals we have through any means necessary, and leaving it all behind. Because how can we operate if we don't have a building? And the town has made it just about impossible for us to get a new building, and the one we are currently in is no good for the animals or the staff. Closing down is of course a last option, and *probably* won't happen, but its scary to think that the board of directors is actually considering that as a plan. For me it could be a blessing or a curse. I am adicted to the place, and have been pretty much guaranteed that I won't get fired unless I really really fuck up majorly. Which means that its going to take some pretty amazing feats to get me to leave the shelter. The shelter closing would do it very effectively. On the other hand, I would then loose the job that I have been at for the last 5 yrs, and the one thing I think I am clearly qualified to do. Which would suck. Maybe I could find a better job that I would be happier at if I didn't work at the shelter, but that remains to be seen. And I know its silly to worry about it, because it probably woin't happen, but still.

This is to Ken. Don;t be a pansy and TELL HER. lol Not like I am one to talk, but come on now, we see how well never telling does for me and it obviously doesn't work. So TELL HER. :-P The worst that can happen is that she doesn't feel the same for you right? How do you know if you don't speak up? Maybe she is having the same exact feelings for you, and is having the same thoughts... "Oh I won't say anything because he isn't saying anything and therefore it wouldn't work..." Stranger things have happened my friend. Where did your message board go? Alrighty, thats all I had to say on that. Don't kill me.

Feb. 16 came and went, and I didn't really notice. Feb 16th marks the 5th month since Cubby. I still have his picture framed, and actually on top of my computer monitor. I still have moments when I think "Oh wait, maybe it was some trick, some dream, maybe he really is ok." I still have times when I get very sad, and feel very confused about it all. But the 16th came and went, and it wasn't an event. It was nothing other than any other ordinary day. I thought of him no more than I do on a day to day basis. I didn't forget, I just didn't notice. I forgot that this had happened one other time, or atleast something vaguely similar. It was again with an "aggressive" dog at work. Rather different personatlity though. She didn't really like strangers, and was timid, rather than being over protective and trying to be dominant. Her name was Rocky. Well, she ended up biting me in a dog fight, and then had to be quarantined for 2 weeks. The week that she got off quarrentine, I didn't work because I had something to do at school. I came in the following week, and noticed she was gone. My first assumption was she had been euthanized. I burst into tears, we are talking hysterical sobbing. (I was 16 or 17 and had a lot of shit going on) I ran into the back and checked the files, and it turned out she had been adopted instead. I still spent the rest of the day crying. Lol. I mourned her for about two weeks good and proper, and then I think I was ok. Humans have this remarkable thing in thei wiring that doesn't allow us to accurately remember pain, either physical or emotional. It is this that allows us to have multiple children, and to have relationships with any other being without killing ourselves. LOL Point being, that I don't remember how long I missed her for, how long before I was completely over her. How long before I could think of her, and not think of my own loss. I understand that this is different because of the Cubby is dead, and Rocky simply got a nice home, and because this time, the choice was mine, where last time it wasn't, but thats besides the point. 4 months is a long time to dwell in the animal sheltering world. But I didn't share my dwelling (atleast I attempted to hide it, albiet not always completely successfully) with my fellow coworkers, or really anyone exactly. I obviously didn't exactly keep it to myself, as is evident by all of the freaking times I wrote about it on here, howeverm I never really hashed it out with anyone the way I really wanted too. The way I yearned too. I wanted to share, because that would make me more human, and because you share your pain with those you love and are close too, so why wouldn't I? Just a glitch in my wiring I guess. And what really sucks, I know, at some point, I will do this again, and again, and yes, probably again. There is no good way to avoid it. You just have go through it, be in pain, forget about it, and then the cycle starts again. Damn life is a bitch and then you die. Jeepers.

I was talking to these two girls at that I work with. One of them had lived and worked in Colorado for a while. She showed me the pictures. It was beautiful. It made me start thinking of going again. It stirred up that desire to run again. When things get bad, I dream of running. Of going to Montana, or Colorado, or Oregon, or Maine. And for some reason, the thoughts hadn't been so strong lately. Until I talked to this girl atleast. I want to go. I want to "meet the coolest people". She said everyone there was nmice, she had a lot of friends. I want that. She also said it was like a big party most of the time. I could live with that also. Get it out of my system or something. Go away, and find everything that is missing in my life here. I try so hard to fill up that emptiness that I feel. I try to fill it with either food, or living things. I want to own every plant I see, and I want to own all of these pets. Because I somehow think that by owning these pets, and these plants, they will fulfill something in me that needs to be loved and needed. It doesn't quite work like that. It was that same feeling that had me get my cat to begin with. And then had me get the three vine plants, which will eventually grow to overtake my apartment. One of them was well on its way of overtaking my bedroom in my other house until Cubby, thedog, broke the long vine that stretched all the way across my room one night. Gita, my rabbit, was for the same reason. Haha. His name is from a book I read about a witch with my name. Gita was her familiar, and loved her soooo much. She was all he needed, her happiness. I wanted someone/something to love me like that. Because somewhere/ somehow, in some fantasy world that I live in, that love wil lmake me better, make me sane, make me whole and full. And I know that going away woiuld be simply in search of that. k However, I fee;l that I will regret not going out of fear. So I sort of decided. I will gie it one year. One more year, and then, if I don't have a compelling reason to stay, a reason that isn't small, orange and furry and named Freddie, I will pick upand go. And to hell with everything else. And it kills me to say that. Especially working where I work. Especially since Freddie is the only reason I got out of bed voluntarily for 3 years. And sometimes still is. I hope against all hope that I will find a way to keep him with me always. :*( But is it fair for me to keep just existing if I can get away and maybe be better for it? I don't know. I hope I don't really ahve to make that choce. I had to do it once with the dog that wasn't even mine, I hat to think that I would even be able to make that decision again.

Oh yeah, and I almost have my computer up and going. I just need to contact the phone company and get hooked up. Woohoo.

AAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it, its time to just have my finger amputated. I broke my right index finger 6 wks ago and have been to the orthopedic doctor 3 or 4 times now. The initial check he splinted it and told me to come back in a week. So I went back a week later, and he exrayed me again and then looked at it and told me to keep it splinted and to come back in 4 wks. So, I went back today, 4 weeks later, after having had my finger in a splint for 6 weeks, and he tells me to get rid of the splint, and now keep it taped to my right middle finger, so that I will start bending it naturally, to follow with the other finger, while still protecting it from being tweaked and rebroken. So I have to keep it taped up for another four weeks. Bl;ah, how annoying. LOL

Ahhhhh Attack of the snowclouds!!!
Yesterday we had a blizzard. We got between 10-20 inches of snow yesterday, with drifts that are like 3-4 ft deep. We are going to be digging out for days. Blah