I am reading this book, which is pretty good. Anyway, in the book, at one point it says something to the effect of "Its hard to let yourself love what you know you may never have". I feel so sad. I just want to hide under the bed and cry, and cry and cry some more. And I am not sure why. I am being worn down at work again, it seems to be a spring affliction for me for some reason. I want someone to make the pain go away. I don't want to cry any more right now. Although crying is not worse than not being able too. I am feeling overwhelmed from work beccause it is conflicting. I want to help and give the animals the benefit of the doubt, and give the people who come in the benefit of the doubt, but when your wrong, your oh so very wrong, and it sucks. On the other hand, if you don't give everyone the benefit of the doubt, everyone suffers. Animals get put to sleep, and miss out on their chance for a home. I wish there was a right answer. I am so tired for now. I want some time off, I need a break. But I jsut have to take it one day at a time, becuase I know that I will be ok again in a llittle while, if I just keep plugging along. If I don't think of the never ending-ness of it, then it is easier to deal with all of the little bits. Its also scary because now that we have been turned down yet again by the town, one of the options on the horizon is closing down. Letting the money run out, or giving all of the money to the ASPCA and justr closing the doors. Getting rid of the animals we have through any means necessary, and leaving it all behind. Because how can we operate if we don't have a building? And the town has made it just about impossible for us to get a new building, and the one we are currently in is no good for the animals or the staff. Closing down is of course a last option, and *probably* won't happen, but its scary to think that the board of directors is actually considering that as a plan. For me it could be a blessing or a curse. I am adicted to the place, and have been pretty much guaranteed that I won't get fired unless I really really fuck up majorly. Which means that its going to take some pretty amazing feats to get me to leave the shelter. The shelter closing would do it very effectively. On the other hand, I would then loose the job that I have been at for the last 5 yrs, and the one thing I think I am clearly qualified to do. Which would suck. Maybe I could find a better job that I would be happier at if I didn't work at the shelter, but that remains to be seen. And I know its silly to worry about it, because it probably woin't happen, but still.

This is to Ken. Don;t be a pansy and TELL HER. lol Not like I am one to talk, but come on now, we see how well never telling does for me and it obviously doesn't work. So TELL HER. :-P The worst that can happen is that she doesn't feel the same for you right? How do you know if you don't speak up? Maybe she is having the same exact feelings for you, and is having the same thoughts... "Oh I won't say anything because he isn't saying anything and therefore it wouldn't work..." Stranger things have happened my friend. Where did your message board go? Alrighty, thats all I had to say on that. Don't kill me.

Feb. 16 came and went, and I didn't really notice. Feb 16th marks the 5th month since Cubby. I still have his picture framed, and actually on top of my computer monitor. I still have moments when I think "Oh wait, maybe it was some trick, some dream, maybe he really is ok." I still have times when I get very sad, and feel very confused about it all. But the 16th came and went, and it wasn't an event. It was nothing other than any other ordinary day. I thought of him no more than I do on a day to day basis. I didn't forget, I just didn't notice. I forgot that this had happened one other time, or atleast something vaguely similar. It was again with an "aggressive" dog at work. Rather different personatlity though. She didn't really like strangers, and was timid, rather than being over protective and trying to be dominant. Her name was Rocky. Well, she ended up biting me in a dog fight, and then had to be quarantined for 2 weeks. The week that she got off quarrentine, I didn't work because I had something to do at school. I came in the following week, and noticed she was gone. My first assumption was she had been euthanized. I burst into tears, we are talking hysterical sobbing. (I was 16 or 17 and had a lot of shit going on) I ran into the back and checked the files, and it turned out she had been adopted instead. I still spent the rest of the day crying. Lol. I mourned her for about two weeks good and proper, and then I think I was ok. Humans have this remarkable thing in thei wiring that doesn't allow us to accurately remember pain, either physical or emotional. It is this that allows us to have multiple children, and to have relationships with any other being without killing ourselves. LOL Point being, that I don't remember how long I missed her for, how long before I was completely over her. How long before I could think of her, and not think of my own loss. I understand that this is different because of the Cubby is dead, and Rocky simply got a nice home, and because this time, the choice was mine, where last time it wasn't, but thats besides the point. 4 months is a long time to dwell in the animal sheltering world. But I didn't share my dwelling (atleast I attempted to hide it, albiet not always completely successfully) with my fellow coworkers, or really anyone exactly. I obviously didn't exactly keep it to myself, as is evident by all of the freaking times I wrote about it on here, howeverm I never really hashed it out with anyone the way I really wanted too. The way I yearned too. I wanted to share, because that would make me more human, and because you share your pain with those you love and are close too, so why wouldn't I? Just a glitch in my wiring I guess. And what really sucks, I know, at some point, I will do this again, and again, and yes, probably again. There is no good way to avoid it. You just have go through it, be in pain, forget about it, and then the cycle starts again. Damn life is a bitch and then you die. Jeepers.

I was talking to these two girls at that I work with. One of them had lived and worked in Colorado for a while. She showed me the pictures. It was beautiful. It made me start thinking of going again. It stirred up that desire to run again. When things get bad, I dream of running. Of going to Montana, or Colorado, or Oregon, or Maine. And for some reason, the thoughts hadn't been so strong lately. Until I talked to this girl atleast. I want to go. I want to "meet the coolest people". She said everyone there was nmice, she had a lot of friends. I want that. She also said it was like a big party most of the time. I could live with that also. Get it out of my system or something. Go away, and find everything that is missing in my life here. I try so hard to fill up that emptiness that I feel. I try to fill it with either food, or living things. I want to own every plant I see, and I want to own all of these pets. Because I somehow think that by owning these pets, and these plants, they will fulfill something in me that needs to be loved and needed. It doesn't quite work like that. It was that same feeling that had me get my cat to begin with. And then had me get the three vine plants, which will eventually grow to overtake my apartment. One of them was well on its way of overtaking my bedroom in my other house until Cubby, thedog, broke the long vine that stretched all the way across my room one night. Gita, my rabbit, was for the same reason. Haha. His name is from a book I read about a witch with my name. Gita was her familiar, and loved her soooo much. She was all he needed, her happiness. I wanted someone/something to love me like that. Because somewhere/ somehow, in some fantasy world that I live in, that love wil lmake me better, make me sane, make me whole and full. And I know that going away woiuld be simply in search of that. k However, I fee;l that I will regret not going out of fear. So I sort of decided. I will gie it one year. One more year, and then, if I don't have a compelling reason to stay, a reason that isn't small, orange and furry and named Freddie, I will pick upand go. And to hell with everything else. And it kills me to say that. Especially working where I work. Especially since Freddie is the only reason I got out of bed voluntarily for 3 years. And sometimes still is. I hope against all hope that I will find a way to keep him with me always. :*( But is it fair for me to keep just existing if I can get away and maybe be better for it? I don't know. I hope I don't really ahve to make that choce. I had to do it once with the dog that wasn't even mine, I hat to think that I would even be able to make that decision again.

Oh yeah, and I almost have my computer up and going. I just need to contact the phone company and get hooked up. Woohoo.

AAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it, its time to just have my finger amputated. I broke my right index finger 6 wks ago and have been to the orthopedic doctor 3 or 4 times now. The initial check he splinted it and told me to come back in a week. So I went back a week later, and he exrayed me again and then looked at it and told me to keep it splinted and to come back in 4 wks. So, I went back today, 4 weeks later, after having had my finger in a splint for 6 weeks, and he tells me to get rid of the splint, and now keep it taped to my right middle finger, so that I will start bending it naturally, to follow with the other finger, while still protecting it from being tweaked and rebroken. So I have to keep it taped up for another four weeks. Bl;ah, how annoying. LOL

Ahhhhh Attack of the snowclouds!!!
Yesterday we had a blizzard. We got between 10-20 inches of snow yesterday, with drifts that are like 3-4 ft deep. We are going to be digging out for days. Blah

So much to do, so little time. I always feel so inadequate at my job. I can never do enough. We will always miss something, always fail somehow. There are SOOO many ways to improve our policies and there have got to be ways to keep the animals safer, healthier, happier, and more adoptable. Wauys to screen for people who really shouldn't be adopting. Ways to be better, closer to perfect. We are always treading a thin line between lying (through omission of direct facts) to potential adopters, and scaring them away. If I tell someone, well, the cat bites, plain and simple, they are less likely to adopt the cat than if I say "the cat is friendly and playful and affectionate, however, she can get a little nippy sometimes if you pick her up" I have to make the people understand the animasl, and yet still be interested if the animal would do alright in their home. We need to keep better medical records, we need to spend soo much more time socializing and training both cats and dogs. We need to be better at interviewing people who are surrendering animals, and people who are potential adopters. We need to be better at training our staff and our volunteers. We need to be more on top of ordering supplies and equipment. We need to not get tired, and not get run down and burnt out. We have so much room for improvement. And yet, I feel so bone weary just thinking about everything we need to do. Everything that we can't do, because there are days when not everyone works as hard as everyone else. Where we all feel that someone else isn't pulling thier weight, and so how can we possibly take on more on top of it. If we could get our heads out of our ass's, and all work together a little better, I think we could do a bit more. And we work together fairly well. We get along well. We don't fight, we don't bicker, we don't harbor ill feelings towards one another. And yet, we could do so much better. If only we could pull it together. If only we had more time, more training, more energy, less stress. I feel so bad and so overwhelmed with trying to organize everything, with wanting to organize everything. And I wish I could get everyone else to feel the same... well not the same. But to have the same visions of greatness that I have. The visions of being not a mediocre shelter, not a decent shelter, not a good shelter, but an amazing shelter. They do exist, amnd I want us to be one of them. We have the potential, and for some reason we just aren't reaching it. I want it so bad I can taste it sometimes... and yet, with no support from family or friends, even on just an emotional level, and some lack of cooperation from coworkers at work, I just can't do it. I hurt too much to do it. And for that, I feel guilt. I can't have people in my life who refuse to support my job. The symptoms of burn out are alwayus strong enough on their own, without having someone telling me that I should quit, or I should work less, or I shouldn't have done this or that, because its not fair, or where is someone else to do it, or because they don't think its right. How am I supposed to stay even remotely sane if someone is constantly making me feel bad for what I put in at my job? Hell, that a good part of why I had to move out. My aunt used to get mad at me, mad at the shelter, even when it didn't really affect her. I don't like to think bad thoughts about other people, and very rarely do I think bad things about others unless someone else puts the idea in my head first. Even if its completely justified, I will not benefit from thinking that someone else is not working hard enoigh, or that the shelter owes me. All these thoughts do is run me down more, and run down my coworkers more, because they then have to deal with whatever bad feelings I can't cover up. Life is too short to be angry all the time. Anger wears us down, makes us tired over time. Anger is usually very passionate, which can be very exhausting. And you can only do so much good being angry all the time. And in the end, what does it matter, if you didn't enjoy it? One more, Happiness is not getting what you want, its wanting what you have. hmmm very interesting. And very true.

One of these days, I'm gonna love me, and then I will feel the joy of sweet release... One of these day I'm gonna love me, and maybe at last I will find some peace... And then I will smile a little, and maybe even laugh a little but... one of these days, I'm gonna love me.
Yesterday, and all morning long I had things that I just felt the need to get down, get out. And at the moment, sitting here in the library, I can't remember for the life of me what one of them was at all. Its like a name or a word, on the tip of your tongue, just behind some wall in your mind, that you can't quite get around. I can't even begin to feel it out. The rest of the stuff, I feel I talked through most of it on my way here. And most of it is stuff I have been over before, multiple times anyway. I just keep going back to the same things. I beleive this is what we call... dun dun dun... Issues. Hahaha. I know I need to get control of my life, my thoughts, and my emotional well being. I have moments where everything seems to be a-ok, and I wonder why I ever thought I was crazy, and then I hit the opposit end of the spectrum, where I feel so overwhelmed by feeling so nuts, so psycho, that I wonder when they will lock me up. And I can go from one side of the sanity fence to the other in a matter of ten minutes. Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home, thinking I felt almost just ducky, quite alright, when now, looking back on it, I had been fighting off demons only minutes earlier, and then resumed fighting, opr more accuratly cursing and giving into the demons when I reached my apartment. I hate food, or actually, I hate the fact that I am a slave to the numbing effect food has on me. I need to get control of this thought, this feeling, and learn how to not only get around it, but how to deal with it, and how to make it cease to exist in a healthy way. Not in a "I am the master of building fire/destruction proof boxes in my mind to put things in" way. And I know I have to stop putting everything off. Oh I will get a life tomorrow. I will eat healthy tomorrow, I will start walking tomorrow, I will be organized tomorrow, I will be ok and happy tomorrow. I will love and be loved tomorrow... Just let me have today to wallow in myself and be alone and lonely and miserable. And in a really bad moment, its not tomorrow, it will be monday, or on the first of next month... what am I fucking insane that I want to wallow in my own world of misery and pain for another day, week, month??? Sometimes I wonder. I remember being lonely. I mean, I am lonely now, and I know probably half teh people I talk to are probably lonely. But there is a big difference between being lonely, and being Lonely. The difference. The lonely that I am now, it really sucks. But I know I am not the only one. And I know that I am atleast liked, if not loved byu family and a friend. Before, I was alone. Completely. I would come home to my family everyday, but I thouight they didn't like me. I was a thorn in their side, ,merely someone to be tolerated because they were obligated to tolerate me by blood. And as for friends, I had none. I had a few aquantences, and I had a few online people that I talked to. But as far as a best friend, a real buddy who I could hang out with, and do fun things with, and relax with, they were non-existant. For about 4 yrs there was nothing tangeable. I was a hermit. I pushed away anyone who might have become a friend, even in pretending not to. I joined a school club, was in it for two years, and again, managed to make aquantinces, but no friends in the club. I guess I finally decided I couldn't be like that any more. Because I couldn't handle it any more. I hurt far too much of the time, and all I had to do was talk about someone being happy, or see other people in my classes being happy with their friends to have to actually work to not burst into tears. Things are better than that now... I think. I always want more though. I want to be part of the group again. And this, all of this, was not what compelled me to get out of bed this morning to write. I still am clueless as to what it was... because it hurt, and I can't seem to work up the nerve to dig it out. *sigh* and so I continue in this often mundane existance... always wanting something to be exciting, thrilling, a good story to tell around a campfire, something to say so there aren't too many awkward silences when I try to talk to someone.

Animal loving girl ironically mauled by cow she was trying to befriend
Thats what the headline for the newspaper almost said about me today. Haha. Where I am living now there are a few barnyard animals. They have a horse, a cow (with large horns), a few goats, a ram, and a Llama to name a few. Well today I wanted to go visit the horse. I had to go through the yard that contained all of the other formentioned animals. The Llama is very friendly, all of the animals are said to be friendly. So I get into the yard with all of these animals, and the only one near me is the llama. Thats all well and good. I am keeping a hand on the llama so he doesn't sneak up on me quickly, and because he is following me across the yard. The goats all get out of my way, and as I come around the back of the barn, the cow is standing their next to the horse fence. I say "Hi Betty Davis" because that is the cows name, and she turns and rushes at me!!! I don't know if she was doing like elephants do where they will do a fake charge if you are bothering them, or if she meant to come get me or if she was just being friendly, but I wdasn't gonna stand around and find out. So I naturally run about 10 steps in the other direction, and then stop the panic and turn and put a hand up and say "woah Betty, easy girl". She stops and just looks at me. So I now get behind the llama, so she atleast has to get through him to get to me, and then slowly work my way out of the yard. It took me like another 10 minutes to manuver out of the yard because I had to stay facing the cow, and watch where the llama was as well. When I finally got out of the yard my knees where shaking. LOL. I think I will wait until the landlady is out in the yard with the animals before I try that again. Oiy. Lol it was so freaking funny. All I wanted to do was go visit the horse, and maybe pet the cow and the llama a little. The landladies told me that it was ok for me to go back there, and that everyone was friendly and everything. Jeepers.

Ok so I am still sick. Ugh.

Ugh, I think I'm dying. I feel like someone hit me with a mac truck. When I leave work, I am going to head for CVS and get some dayquill and some nyquill, and then go to get a chocolate shake to choke the meds down with. I never get sick, and even more never take meds, so I am really hurtin. lolI'm almost all settled into my new appartment, got my phone turned on yesterday, although, I don't have a phone yet. It will be atleast another week or two or three before I get my computer hooked up and whatnot. Anyway, its snowing out heavy enough that we are not even opening today, however I have to wait around until noon for a guy who donates a lot of money to us, so he can pick out a puppy. Whoop woo. <--- very sedate lol

This is my last day off living in this house. Ohhh exciting.
The other night I was sitting in the living room with the dog that I am dogsitting. (I am staying at his house until his owner comes home, only come back to this house for visits and to pack on my day off) So I am reading and I finish the story I am on and start bawling. I mean I was crying during the end of the story and whatnot, but now I really start like out and out bawling that you only do when you know you are the only human in the building. And Cocoa (the dog) comes over and sits at my feet and rests his head on my lap. I lean over and sort of drape myself over/on him crying still. He licks me a little and just lets me hang off of him sobbing. And this is a dog that would have been euthanized at any other shelter. He is aggressive with men, and can be stubborn. But he let me hang all over him, and didn't even try to get away. His previous owners are actuaklly still angry and resentful of him, over two years later. Because he is a "bad and spiteful" dog. They thought he was completely untrainable and a bad apple. FUCK THEM! Cocoa is far from perfect, but he is a decent dog. As so many of my "hopeless" ones are. I can't name three people that I have taken that sort of tolerance from while "having a moment".

What Member of Spirit Creek Are You?
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"Family of Ducks Quack Quack Quack!!!"
Nice Ken I love it, and I am really tickled pink that duck was one of the choices for one of the answers for reasons that are completely odd and bizarre and have nothing at all to do with anything else really.

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons... For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness...The above, in bold, is a bumpersticker that I saw today. I like it. On the same car was one that said "I am proud to be myself" I like that one too. Occasionally I see a movie that may or may not be a really good movie, but something that is said in the movie makes me think... sticks in my mind. I watched two movies the other night that both did that. At the moment though I am in thought overload and can't dig it out. :-/ A while ago, I saw the movie K-Pax. I think I liked it. At one point someone says that all people suffering from poor mental health have the ability to cure/heal themselves. Lol, Maybe this is part of the reason that I resist talking to a doctor. I think people who are suffering from an actual "mental illness" are not able to cure themselves. If its a chemical imbalance, then it would need to be treated and usually ... uhh.. I forgot the word.. I just had it... ah yes.... maintained with medication to get/keep the chemicals in balance. However, if its not an illness that a person has, but a mental wound or damage instead, then they can possess the ability to heal themselves. Problem numero uno with wounds... in order for them to heal, they have to be cleaned, and that usually hurts as bad as the original wound itself. This is no different with a mental wound. You have to work through the pain, come to terms with it, and then let it go, occassionally rechecking it to make sure its not getting infected and festering behind a bandage or brick wall of fake happy thoughts. Its a lot of work, and a mighty lonely job when there isn't someone to love you through the process. And I think it can take fucking years. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to fix it. And I never know if I am getting anywhere, or just making it up. I am reasonably decent at making things up as I go along, based on what I know. I do this at work with my job all the time. Someone is having a problem or if I am on the radio show, I just draw on what I know about the animals to invent a possible answer. It works pretty well. I know far less about psychology than I do about animals though. I took a 1 symester high school psych class, and the first thing they told us was that we were in no way qualified to give anyone any kind of psychological help or advice or try to diagnose people. LOL I figured the worst I can do though is dig my own hole a little deeper by trying to dig myself out. The problem is that ever person and every decision that person makes affects so many other people, and so many other decisions. But that is a ramble for another time.

I am dogsitting this week, which means I have lots of time in a quiet house with just a dog and my own thoughts. And I am also moving this week and next, so I may not be around much. Lol, I will be sneaking off to the library to ramble in this whenever my thoughts are completely overwhelming.

I gotta get out of this place...... if its the last thing I ever do...

Woooooohooooooooooo! SCORE!!! I got the apartment, and I told my aunt, and I move in on February 1st!!!

There's an an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in...

I'm never gonna be one of those skinny minnie itty bitty tiny iny women. Never. I could probably nearly starve myself to death, and work out 10 times a week to boot, and still not fit in a size 6. I don't think there is a size 6 in my entire extended or immediate family. I had finally reached a decent balance of food and excersice, and then somehow thouight I should to some crash ultra low carb diet. Yeah that was great. I turned into a raging godzilla bitch whenever anything would be slightly annoying. But hell it took weight off pretty damn fast. Then the 6 wk group ended, and I thought I could relaz and eat normally for a few days. Oops. Lol. Yeah so I live in this world of delusion where that might have been possible for me. Then reality came crashing through and I couldn't do it right. Not the way I dwas supposed too. 6 wks of making people crazy and doing good all down the tubes. Oh well. Now I try to find that balance that I had before. And its hard to find that balance again now that I have messed it up. I will always have issues with food. I am just too messed up not to I think. *shrugs* What else can I do besides go to a shrink, which I have considered. Lol. I just don't think I can afford it.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because
they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown
The above was on someones profile on msn.... I like it, because its very true.

I went and saw the apartment tonight. Its small, as was expected, but nice. The people are nice, and love animals. They have a horse, a llama, a cow, 4 potbellied pigs, a st.bernard, and 17 cats. Wowzers. I am so nervouse. I think I made a fairly good impression, and the vfact that I work for a no kill shelter floats high in their book. But, I am only 21 and I have no previous landlords. So thats sort of negative. She said she will probably have made a decision by Friday. I still haven't told my aunt. The place is furnished already, so I would have to leave my furniture here. Most of the time this would be pretty ideal, however, unlike most first time renters, the furniture that I have really is mine. Lol not my moms. With the exception of the headboard/bookcase. The lamps, bed, bureau, dresser, bakers rack, book shelf, plant stand and plants are mine. Oh well. I will cross that bridge if I come to it I guess. I also sort of didn't have the nerve to ask if my rabbit was allowed. I mean, theoretically there shouldn't be a problem. 1 its on a farm 2. they already allow the cat, and t3. she specified no dogs, she didn't specify no other pets besides the one cat. But it feels kind of sneaky and dishonest. Ugh OI think I am getting an ulcer, and ciatica to boot. Lol

I forgot...... what it was I felt necessary to say... My little cousin is making me angry, I am trying to ignore it, because what he is doing isn't affecting me at all. I feel this anger just welling up inside me though, and I want so badly to turn and yell at him, however I know that would have no positive effect on him, and he would just smirk. Its like a dog, don't react when they are doing attention getting behaviors and they will eventually stop the behavior. The difference is the dogs don't usually send me into a rage. I struggle for control, knowing its the only way I will win. Just take a deep breath and focus my anger into something slightly more productive. Its nice to know I can feel anger again. Lol. Ah I feel better now. Atleast slightly. For a while I just didn't get angry about things. I was too numb, too sad, too tired, and too depressed. I had worked so long at ignoring everything that caused me to feel angry, that I had finally managed to automatically supress all angry feelings subconciously, before I even realized that I had felt anger. Instead I automatically just converted the feelings into some of the other feelings that were already present in such a large amount.