haha

You Are "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shifigerator the whole time. haha You Are "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, You would even say it glows. For you, Christmas is a mix of tradition and fun. You're not above strapping on a red blinking nose for a laugh. What Christmas Carol Are You? Wednesday, December 15, 2004 What kind of soul doyou have? You Are a Traveler Soul You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people. A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world. You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer. Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle. It's difficult for you to make personal commitments. Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems. You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think. Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul What Kind of Soul Are You? hmmm.. fitting What is Love quiz             megeth is love brought to you by the isLove Generator Umm... I don't get it. :-S Tuesday, December 07, 2004 I'm in Limbo The Dante's Inferno test said that I was in Limbo, if I where to go to hell right now. Limbo is the first level of hell, right below purgatory. The description of Limbo actually fit my life. The giant blank spot under one of the previous posts is an accident. I was typing, and got up and the pillow ended up resting on the return key... for about 5 minutes. I tried to fix it, but ended up not being able to remove the giant space, so there it will stay. Dante's Inferno The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very High Level 2 (Lustful) Very Low Level 3 (Gluttonous) High Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Low Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Low Level 7 (Violent) High Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Moderate Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Low Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test Saturday, November 20, 2004 I had a dream... Last night, I had a hard dream. I dreamt that Cubby had been reincarnated, as himself. It was 26 mths after I lost him (which it actually is), and he was back, even looked the same. I knew it was him, he knew who I was... and once again, I lost him. I tried to save him, but failed him for the second time. As we were in the vets office, even as he lay dying in my arms, I was torn between crying and not being able to cry. I kept telling him that I am so sorry, and begging him to forgive me for not only failing him the first time, but for failing him the second time also. I promised that if he made his wa back to me one more time, I would try even harder and that I would find some way to save him the third time. I felt so guilty, having to put him through that again. After he died, I cried so hard, had this feeling that I am a horrible person for failing to save him again. And now I have spent the day longing for him, craving him. I close my eyes and can almost feel him sitting with me, me plucking the under coat, jogging along behind him on the bike path. I miss him. I like to tell myself, that as the song goes "we will meet again some day, and if not here, than somewhere up above", but some times its really hard to find hope in that. What if I never find him again? Or what if I find him, and get stuck with the same problem. What if I make the same decision? Time has eased the day to day, moment to moment pain, dulled the edge, but I'm scared I will feel like this forever. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I miss him, and there is no way to turn back the clock, get him back, fix what I did. The guilt is so bad tonight, I just don't know how to ease it, or make it better. What did I do? I think this is the first time I'v honestly asked myself that question. I spent the last two years trying not to regret my decision, so although I thought of it, I never really allowed it in. But really, what did I do? Death is so final, so permanent, there is no way to fix it.. even if we may meet again, those are odds even an addicted gambler would avoid. Oh jeepers. Monday, November 08, 2004 I dreamed a thousand new paths; I woke to walk my old one Th title is something that someone on my buddy list has changed there name to. Interesting. This has really nothing to do with that, although, I could ramble on for some time about what that means to me. Instead, I want to talk about a dog... Shocking isn't it? This dog,Iris, is a hound. Walker hound or fox hound or some combination of similar hounds, she is tri-color and about 50 lbs. Basicaly like a beagle on stilts. Iris is sweet, good with other dogs,and somewhere inside is happy and playful. On the outside, she is timid and withdrawn. Sometimes that happy����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� I dreamed a thousand new paths; I woke to walk my old one Th title is something that someone on my buddy list has changed there name to. Interesting. This has really nothing to do with that, although, I could ramble on for some time about what that means to me. Instead, I want to talk about a dog... Shocking isn't it? This dog,Iris, is a hound. Walker hound or fox hound or some combination of similar hounds, she is tri-color and about 50 lbs. Basicaly like a beagle on stilts. Iris is sweet, good with other dogs,and somewhere inside is happy and playful. On the outside, she is timid and withdrawn. Sometimes that happy silly side appears, but ever so fleetingly. She has been at the shelter since June. She is improving, although, very very slowly. I was thinking of maybe trying to foster her for a little while. If I brought her home every night, she would be getting handled alot more, probably learn to relax in a car, and we could find out how she acts in a house. We are not sure if she was ever allowed to be a house dog before. I would also be able to teach her about behaving in a house, and find ot how she is with cats. I don't know though. First, I would have to talk to my landlady's, as I agree'd no dogs when I moved in. I don't know what they would say. Although, I would definaty make the stipulation that I am not keeping her, and that if she were disruptive or causing trouble, I wouldn't foster her any more. Then, I would have to discuss it with my boss's. I think Wendy would automaticaly frown on the idea, worried about me doing too much, and becoming attatched. And there is the fact tha she is a lot of work to consider, and that my appartment is tiny, and where would I put a crate for her? Plus, my cat will hate her, no matter how nice she is. But anyway, I'm toying with the idea. Saturday, October 23, 2004 a new template, and some quizzes You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time alone but do like other people's company sometimes. You just need your space. You have a few priviledged friends who saw past your colder exterior to find the true you. You can have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to admit it) so you could be soft one second then storming around the next! But over all, you're a very pleasant person once people take the time to get to know you. You're a good friend for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when it comes to creative things.(If you can't see tje pics, go to my homepage and look near the bottom and find your result) What season are you? (pics) brought to you by Quizilla src="http:/ You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining ones wearing white and the idea that they have wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are the ones that many people think are dead loved ones who try to protect the living friends or family they have on Earth. They usually had blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless appearance and sweet dispositions. They were cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind. Angels are the one mystical creature that a majority of people truly believe in. Encounters with angels are poping up all over the world and reassuring people's beliefs in angels. (If you cannot see the picture, go to my userpage and look near the bottom. There should be the picture and description for all the results) What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures) brought to you by Quizilla Stuff Yesterday, I got home, and about 3 hours later, I had 2 flat tires... like, not a bit flat... we're talking the rims touching the ground totally flat. I had to have both tires replaced this mornin. My boss had taken this little westie puppy that came into the shelter with a major heart problem. He died on sunday night. Dory, aka Angus was only about 6-7 mths old. We have an upper respitory infection going around the shelter, most of the cats are sneezing. 2 of them are really quite sickly. One adult female, Casey, and one 7 wk old male, Thurgood. They both need sub-Q fluids 2 times a day, and medication. Yesterday, we had to resort to force feeding Casey. Today, she ate on her own for the first time in almost a week. My great aunt is dying of colon cancer. I haven't seen her since July of 2003. She only has a few weeks left to live... she ordered that they take out the IV today. She doesn't want to prolong things. I don't know yet whether or not I'm going to go see her. My apartment is cold, colder than the rest of the house.. I think there is something wrong with the heat, but I don't want to mentionanyhing yet until I have had a chance to really clean things up. My keyboard is hard to use. I have to hit the keys hard, like over pronunciating every word. If I try to type too quickly, and don't press hard enough, the letters don't come up. Maybe its time to get a new keyboard. I am lonely. Thursday, September 23, 2004 To Tammy, regarding "Sandiegozu" Ok, this is to Tammy who emailed regarding a book I have listed as one of my favorites. I tried to e-mail you, but the email address came back as noreply@ blogger, so, figured this would be the best way to get in touch. I tried looking up info on the book, only to discover that you really can't find anything on it. LOL, Ok, so my next step is to look through my book shelves ( I have 3 that are in complete shambles) until I stumble across it, and then I will put the other information on the book up here, such as author, publisher, copy right date, etc. The other thing is that I'm not sure I spelled the title correctly, and, the title was not done in normal fonts, instead, had been done with the dots and lines and such that you find over some of the characters in the character map on the computer. That could be why its so hard to find information on it. Anyway, just wanted to give you an update that I will look for the book and then get back to you, and if you want me to email you directly, please just send a comment through with your e-mail address on it. Thursday, September 16, 2004 Everyone has an inner light... it is your job to find it... I changed the screen saver on the shelter computer tonight after everyone left, so when they come in tomorrow... haha, its now light blue, with purple text that says "Everyone has an inner light, it is your job to find it". Hahahahahahahahahaha. Ok, not that that isn't true, but being a shelter worker is a bitter bitter job, and we tend to hate people, and its so easy to get caught up in the hating of people and the loving of animals and blame just assume the majority of the people are either asses, or are idiots. Or, our favorite... a combination of both. So this is a happy thought, one we need to think more often. When I started working at the shelter I was a nice person. Hell, even 2-3 yrs ago, I was a nice person. But, the longer your in this field, the meaner and more bitter you get. I can see the change in me, and I don't like it. So I try to adjust it just a little, to remember some of that hope that I had that allowed me to argue the case of someone who might just need a little understanding, instead of our judgement. It's hard though, with so much built up hostility. Oh well. Today is the 2nd anniversary of loosing Cubby. Although, I don't think that anniversary is the right word. Technically, it is correct, however, anniversary sort of has a happy connotation to it. Oh well. I had a dream last night that a long lost friend commited suicide. I was very sad, because I was trying to reconnect with him. I could have had this dream because this is the 2nd anniversary of Cubby's death, and also, just after the 2nd anniversary of a long lost friend who did commit suicide. And yet, I feel I should call someone who might still know him and just check in. Hmm.. I actually think I will do that now... My landlady who reads tarot cards had given me a reading before.. and she said that often, when you dream of someone who has died, its because they have come to you. So I have to double check... just so I can sleep easier. I dreamt of the same person the night before as well, which is unusual because I have never dreamt of him before, or atleast, not that I can remember. Ok, going now to ease my mind. Wednesday, August 18, 2004 Tired... oh so very tired Hmmmm, Blogger has made some more changes... Interesting.. I think I like. Anyway, Ugh, I'm tired. And tense. I can feel it all through my arms and legs and neck and back, that tiredness you get not from being physically tired, but just from lack of sleep and stress and being worn thin. I have a pair of kittens that I am bottle feeding, and I think one of them has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. S-he (not sure which yet) has become ultra lethargic and won't eat. Poor lil diddly dot... doesn't even have ears or eyes open yet... just lost the umbilical cord remnant this morning. And usually, when so tiny, there is nothing that you can really do. Just hope for the best. And, I'v been a fool, and my internet service, my phone, and my credit card are all currently cancelled. They will be turned back on in relatively short order, but I don't know if that means a a few days, a week, a month, or what. Oh well, my own doing. But they will be back again soon. Monday, August 09, 2004 Lets see if I can get his pictures up now.. hmm here we go.. These hopefully will come up as pictures of my dearly missed Cubby dog. Friday, July 09, 2004 Wishy washy, So confused I am sad... I, like almost every one else in the world, long for human companionship... I want someone to love me and all that, blah blah blah.. but here's the thing... I don't actually like people. In general, I think most people are pretty retched. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know if I could live with another person. Ugh, Oiy, blech. Not that it matters much, because I will never find anyone anyway. Monday, July 05, 2004 Day after day Day by day by day goes by, just existing, continuing, down the road. The tiredness grows, overtakes everything I do. Always simply waiting, for tomorrow, or the next day, or next month.. waiting for that magic wand, that miracle that will change my life. Just keep plugging on and on, with nothing, towards no goal, no destination. Its not always about the destination, but also about journey, this I know, and yet, am helpless to do anything about it. I have no destination, so therefore, no journey, and yet, have to keep going anyway, for there is not a pause button on life. So instead, I march on blindly, with little acknowledgement of the lives going on around me. How long does this go on for? How far can you go before something comes along to wake you up? What am I waiting for? Why should I have to wait? Life is to be lived, not merely tolerated. And yet, all I can do is try to tolerate it for now. I simply can't live. Thursday, June 17, 2004 Alfred the Turtle Ok, I think that crazyness is contagious. I have a crazy hamster, a cat who's a bit off, and now, my turtle. Alfred is a painted turtle, and usually eats just about everything he can put in his mouth. Sometime last week, I noticed a little beetly thing in his tank. I figured it got in there somehow accidently, and that wasn't a problem. Well... here's the thing... the beetle is still there! It usually stays on his rock, sometimes accidently falls in the water... and Alfred never eats him. Alfred has a pet. Maybe I should give the beetle a name. LOL There are also a lot of bloodworms in the tank, that Alfred has yet to eat. I don't know if he just too slow, or too lazy to catch them. Strange strange turtle. I mean, he looks for them, acts like he is eating them, but, being a turtle, he is always hungry. Anyway, if he wants to have a pet beetle, he can, I don't mind, so long as the beetle stays in the tank. Saturday, June 05, 2004 If I only had another 6 months... If I knew that I could live well and fully for another 6 months.. and then I would just cease to exist, what would I do with my time? I would go swimming. I would walk a dog I would ride a horse I would go to the aquarium I would go to the zoo I would tell my family how I feel about them I would speak my mind I would watch the sun rise I would watch teh sun set I would go to the bar and flirt shamelessly I would ride a bike fast down a hill I would go swim with dolphins I would go canoeing I would go camping I would laugh heartily I would eat some really really sinful desserts I would snuggle with someone I would party hearty I would get a tattoo and of course, I would be going sky diving, bunji jumping... I would.. take a trip to the rain forest I would kayak among orca's I would go dancing and sing karaoke, like no one else is around I would live I would not tolerate people who made me feel bad Thats what I would do if I had 6 months to live... Or atleast... thats what I hope I would do. What would you do? Monday, May 31, 2004 Some more (bigger) changes in Bloggerworld Seems this Blogger thing is still changing itself. Been seeing differeing things here and there since I started this Blog, and this time, they have changed a lot, fast. I like it. More choices for the templates again, which is great, because for a while, they were kind of stingy about them. I like to change things up on occassion, and there were only a couple of options. I don't know a whole heck of a lot about changing the template custom like, so I was sort of stuck. So yep, I like these dots. Alrighty, my fingers hurt. Fred doesn't feel well, this worries me. He had a semi-blocked bladder yesterday, emergency trip to 24 hour vet clinic got it unblocked temporarily, but he seems to be having the same issue today. Hopefully, we can get to see his regular vet tomorrow. He has to come to work with me tomorrow though, just so I can keep an eye on him. My poor lil Freddie. Tuesday, May 18, 2004 Unconstitutional??? Which constitution are you reading? Ok, so there is all this todo about Gay Marriage, or the lack there of. I, for one, am totally for it. But here's what I don't understand. All of the people who are against it. With so much hate in the world, why would we prevent someone from loving someone else? And who gets to define what a family is? Why should it be that the only family that counts is the nuclear family? How many of you grew up in the nuclear family, of a mom, a dad, and 2 kids? I didn't. I lived in a home with my mom, my brother, my aunt, my 2 cousins, and my grandfather. Oh yeah, and at one point, a friend of my aunt's as well who needed a place to stay. We were and still are a family. We work hard, telling children that its ok if they live with mom, or dad, or grandma, or grand dad, or an aunt, or uncle, or any combination of the above. So that they don't feel like there is something wrong with their family. But now, they want to make a constitutional amendment that says that family's with 2 men or 2 women don't count. Ok, and the constitution was written to give people the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In the constitution, it also stipulates that a legal document in one state MUST be honored in all states. So, that means, if I have a CA drivers license, I am allowed to drive in OR. It also means, that if I marry someone in MO, I'm am still considered married in OH. So when CT said it was against their constitution to honor gay marriages done in MA, their constitution is AGAINST the MAIN CONSTITUTION! WHICH IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!! Friday, April 30, 2004 Just a little poem I don't know who wrote this, I got it in e-mail. (yes, one of those ones that say you have to send it to more people or you have no friends, but thats besides the point) The point is, that I do like the little poem, so I'm putting it here. If I could catch a rainbow I would do it just for you and share with you its beauty On the days you're feeling blue. If I could build a mountain You could call your very own; A place to find serenity, A place to be alone. If I could take your troubles I would toss them in the sea, But all these things I'm finding are impossible for me. I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair, But let me be what I know best, A friend who's always there. Wednesday, April 28, 2004 Am I what? Ohh... Can you define that first? People ask me if I'm happy, I ask them to define "Happy" for me. If people ask if I like my job (or tell me that I do, cus I get that A LOT) I usually tell them yes, or nod in agreement. But sometimes, I wonder. I ask other people if they like their jobs. Because I wonder. I don't know if I like my job or not. Sometimes I there are good moments, sometimes there are bad moments, and sometimes, I just don't feel it. I wonder, Do I like my job, and just dislike the bad parts, or do I dislike my job, and just like the good bits? Or maybe, maybe, I'm just still undecided. the jury is still out, I'm still on the fence. I think my situation is sort of unique, because I'm told all the time "wow, you must LOVE working here." However, I work there because I love animals, and love it when animals love me. I do not work there because I like spending so much time on the computer, doing paperwork, on the phone, talking to people who are difficult or JUST DON'T GET IT!!!, cleaning up dog/cat waste, doing laundry, scrubbing walls, doing dishes, sweeping floors, having most of the animals start their trip to the shelter by hating me because of all that I represent, feeling the heartbreaking sadness of when something goes wrong, and an animal can't find a home, turning away dozens upon dozens of animals at the door, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. Looking at that list, there are far more things going against working there, than there are keeping me working at the shelter. However, size and length aren't everything, and yes, I will give you a moment to drag your minds out of the gutter. Really now. :-p Just because the con list is longer than the pro list, does not mean that the cons outweigh the pro's. There are other things to add to the pro list I'm sure, I just wasn't intending on making a list. Just on the general track of, I'm not sure. I don't really know if I would like or dislike other jobs better. Blah, I dunno. Music has such an effect... Why does my heart... feel so bad, Why does my soul... feel so bad... I went to a conference yesterday about animal sheltering. One of the workshops was put on by one of the agents on "Animal Precinct", and he had a short video, that was just faces of animals that were in need of help... and it had a song playing in, and the above were the lyrics. The faces were sad enough, the music really added a kick to it though. A few tears escaped. One of my coworkers was trying real hard to control her crying, she almost had to get up and leave. If I had been alone, I would have just sobbed, hard core. Such sadness. Monday, April 12, 2004 Is it really THAT bad? It sound's strange, but I think life is easier to live when your depressed and suicidal. Atleast, it is once your there and able to tolerate it, as compared to if you get out of that state, and are sitting there going, ok, so now what do I do, think, feel? Life seems far too long to actually live it. This guy that I knew from school, and I know his younger brother, shot himself in the head not too long ago. When I heard, I was going back and forth between thinking, I wonder what pushed him over the edge, and wondering why I didn't have the guts to just go for it already. My heart goes out so much for him, and for his brother. This is 3 people I'v known in the last couple years that have killed themselves. There is this guy that comes into my aunt's restaurant, who's in really poor health. Like 400 lbs, insulin dependant diabetic, and just eats everything he wants. He told her that if he had known he was going to live so long, he would have taken better care of himself. I think I'm kind of in that same boat. Why do the necessary things if I'm hopefully just going to die soon. Then I won't have to worry about it. But, this is after 3 yrs of thinking like this, I realize, the out isn't nearly as fast and easy as I was hoping. There is just too much to consider. I just want a magic wand to make everything ok, on the outside and on the inside. Another 50 yrs is just too long to be fighting this, thinking like this, living like this. Monday, April 05, 2004 TV Characters or our Friends? Tv is so strange. We find a show we like, and we tune in... every week, same time, same place, like a date with old friends. We do this through the length of the show, and when they tell us that the show is ending, the series is over... we become sad. We allow these fictional characters into our lives, and we try to keep dates with them, and we laugh, cry, cheer, get angry, etc, right along with them, always the hidden observer. Such a strange, interesting concept. And often, while we are tuned in to a show, we are tuned out to the majority of the rest of the world. As if we really are in the scene. Oddness. Monday, March 29, 2004 Oh yeah, one more thing... Ok, one more thing, I forgot... If it's illegal to have a same sex marriage.. who decides what defines a man or a woman... Some people are born of both genders, and are assigned a gender... sometimes, they assign the wrong gender. Also, if you get married, and then your spouse gets a sex change... does that anull the marriage, even if you want to stay married? Who decides this? To Marry or not to marry, that is the question... Ok, so in Massachussetts, the supreme court found it unconstitutional to not allow couples of the same sex to marry. So they gave the state until May to make provisions to allow same sex couples to marry, and have the same type of marriage that heterosexual couples have. So now, there is a bill to make a constitutional amendment, so that same sex marriages can legally be outlawed. If it passes, this will be the first time there will be an amendment to the constitution to take rights away from a group of people, instead of to give rights to people. People who are against homosexual marriage have one common thought... "Because Marriage is between a man and a woman, it always has been... its never been done before.. thats not what we hold in moral standards..." etc. Notice the lack of real, concrete arguments. People have a right to life, liberty, and to seek happiness... by not allowing couples to get married, you are interferring with that seeking happiness bit. You are also denying rights to a specific segment of the population. It goes against everything that our country was supposed to be built on. A seperation of church and state. People need to get a clue. Everyone is supposed to be treated the same. This is not supposed to be a country of "Everyone is equal EXCEPT (anyone that we don't approve of, for any reason)"..., Instead, this is supposed to be a country of "All men are created equal"... We have decided that this means men, women, people of all races, colors, religious beliefs, so on and so forth... Why people can't see this, I just don't know. Open your minds. In a world so full of hate and war and death and killing and rage, why are we going to make it harder for anyone who loves anyone? Wednesday, March 24, 2004 ...And life goes on, every minute, every hour, every day Time's just a train, rolling down the tracks, every minute is a boxcar... you can't get back... Take a look around you, It's all gonna change, whatever you see, It's never gonna stay the same.... No matter what happens, what life throws our way, what buildings fall down, what part of the world gets blown up, our lives just keep going. The clock keeps ticking, the sun sets and then rises again in the morning, no matter what. There is no stopping it, not for a week, a day, an hour, a minute, a second... In times of real sadness, we "take a moment of silence", but its only a moment, and even while some of us may be taking a moment, most other people are not... their lives are still marching ahead, and when the moment is over, so will ours. This something that everyone knows, that you can't stop the clock, that you can't stop your life, take a time out, but I wonder how many people ACTUALLY REALIZE it. Even though we actually know it. We tell people with a broken heart, "It's ok, you will feel better, you will get over it, Time heals all wounds" etc. But even saying it, being told it, sometimes, we don't really think about it, don't really understand all the implications. Sometimes these realizations just hit me like, omg, I always knew that but I never knew it at the same time. Oiy, I'm just crazy. Saturday, March 20, 2004 Is there anyone out there? A bunch of people online, and the only ones here are the ones I don't speak to. Not necessarily because I won't speak to them, more because they don't speak to me... its kind of this circle thing. It's been a while since I'v posted. Blah, things are the same as every it seems, the way they have always been, the way they will always be. I got a hamster. You know, because, you can never have too many pets inside a match book sized apartment. I also got 4 fish. Zebra fish. Nemo, Omen, Nome, Meno. The hamster is named Liberty Peanut. I was somehow firmly under the impression that getting a few more pets would fill up that gap. Blah, it didn't work, I know this doesn't work, I don't know why I'm always so sure it will. Liberty Peanut is absolutely certain that she can chew her way through the bars of her cage. No luck so far. I wonder if she is unhappy in there, or if she just does it because it is fun. I hope she is not unhappy. I used to know that work was my sanctuary. It was where I went to make the world better. To make my life better. I would wake up and want to be there. The day would end, and I would want to go back. Want to sleep there, to never leave. Its no longer like that. Hasn't been like that for me for a long time now. A lot of reasons why I guess, I just don't know what to do now that there are no places I want to be. It makes me sad. My Fred makes me happy... ish. He brings more joy to me than almost anyone or anything else. I spent last weekend in NYC, meeting friends... it was so nice. It was natural. On my way home I thought, wow, if anything in life could be like this I probably wouldn't be depressed. I understand that life is not "all rainbows and butterflies, its compromise", but where in the rule book does it say that you should have to work so darn happy to not want to shoot yourself in the head? Some days are good, not bad at all, but in the end, when everything is said and done, I always have this to fall back on, back into. To sink back into the depths of my own black hole. I wish the blackness would just be swift and swallow me up completely, don't give me a chance to fight it, but for some reason, I guess I always do. Fight it that is. It's like a reflex, something that I can't help. I understand that my life is not that bad, there is nothing in it that should make me wallow so much in the mud pit, people all over the world have things so much worse than I do, and they don't want to stop the fight.To each his own I guess. Friday, February 06, 2004 No news is good news, so all news is bad news... so it seems 11 o'clock rolls around and the late news comes on... on three different channels, flipping amoungst the three... and all of the news is bad. Night after night, day after day... Fire here, illness there, war here, drugs there, abductions here, murder there.. etc... over and over and over and over again. The whole world is hopeless. And one little action causes reactions all over the place. No man is an island... everything that we do affects so many others. In the world there are only like 7-8 degrees of seperation... so, in other words... i know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows ANYone. So, If I have a horrid day at work, and tell someone about it... that affects there mood, which then goes onto affect everyone else. Theres so much pain, so much sadness, what are we supposed to do with it all?? Just suck it up, plug along, one day at a time, lonely and afraid... for years and years and years... I'm positively baffled by anyone who manages to not be suicidal in this life. What I want most in life Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't been in much relationships or you need to work on how to handle them. You always seem lost in a daydream about the person you care about most. PLEASE RATE What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS* brought to you by Quizilla .... hmm, seems to be right. Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's beauty and just the life that no-one else sees. Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't mean you're not friendly! Please rate ^^ What kind of dark person are you? brought to you by Quizilla This is the quiz Youre gonna be attacked by a ridiculously small animal and bleed to death Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!) brought to you by Quizilla Sunday, February 01, 2004 Superbowl Sunday It's only a few minutes left in the game, and the game almost is tied. I'm hoping the Patriots win, but now I don't know. Sitting here, alone, with my cat, watching the game... haha, one of the best parts is the commercials... I really like these public service announcements, then again, I'v always liked public service announcements for some strange reason. I guess I just think that something as simple as commercials against harmful things shouldn't really be considered commercials. Would be nice if the tv stations or whoever controls the tv air waves would donate time to those announcements on a daily basis. If we drum it into peoples heads, then maybe they will get the message. My favorite one is the one about the glass popsicles... its a parody on the ciggarett commercials. Friday, January 09, 2004 Theres more than one way to ... kill a pig.. or roast a duck.. no wait, its skin a cat Nothing's gonna change my world... Theres just this deep sadness that runs through me for some reason. And I feel it even on good days. And even though today had no reason to be a bad day, I found myself sitting here, crying, thinking about starting a first draft of a suicide note. And then, that led to me wondering how many asprin it would take to do me in, and what the most lethal combination of pills would be, if I were to run to the store right now. So that it wouldnt look suspicious. I was thinking a big bottle of asprin, and a box of sleeping pills. And then, I could run to a different store, and pick up some other things. And in the morning, no one would know. And sunday, probably no one would know. Maybe on monday.... Maybe not for even longer. So I came online, and noone was on, so I went looking on petfinder.. which led me to a website that had job positions for this other shelter on it. And, I ended up emailing the shelter. I also got this email from this guy that saw my profile on a server, and I emailed him back also. There are many reasons why people commit suicide. And there are the people who kill themselves, and then the people who "never end their mortal life", but instead, stop living. I have done that. I have stopped everything except mere existance. I didn't mean to go looking for a new job, but, I guess its a cpr to my failing hope. Monday, January 05, 2004 Words to live by "keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring"-Tom Hanks, Cast away awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Do or die Something has to change, I can't keep going like this. I'm back to not getting up except to go to work. Try to pull the pillows over my head and sleep as long as possible on the one day that I have off, not because I'm tired, but because I can't get up. Its so hard to do normal things, so hard to drag myself around. Last time it was like this, I merely reinforced my addiction to the shelter, going there every day. I'm drawn to do this again. But I don't want to. First of all, I get in trouble. And second, now, even that is getting hard. I don't know. I know that I have to figure out how to change it though. I don't want to be a train wreck any more. I want to get it all pulled together, and keep it together this time. When I moved it was almost easy. I got up, made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned .. it took only about 20 minutes. At this point, it will take about 4 hours to clean up my apartment, everything is a disaster. And that just makes it worse. I had been hodling it together, and then it all just fell apart. This little bit here, that little bit there, and then next thing I knew, it was insanity again. But I have to get it together, because I can't live like this any more. I have figure it out. I need something to put it back together. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH something something something has to work, has to get it together, another 50 yrs is way to long to live like this. Monday, December 29, 2003 Its not that bad... or is it? Ugh, I don't want to get out of bed any more. I'm tired of making these entries. These... blah life is horrid entries... All things considered, my life is not "that bad", so whats wrong with me? I have a good cat, and I have my own apartment, and a decent job, and a car and plenty of food and heat... so whats the deal? Whats my damage?I'm like a trainwreck, and theres nothing left to salvage. Lifes not that bad, and I feel bad for being so blah and depressed when I see people who have so much less doing so much better. When I hear of things and go.. wow, if I were that person, I would have killed myself already. A coworker got pregnant, and her boyfriend didn't want the baby, and thats what I thought. I would have killed myself, rather than continue. I am starting to use that thought as a comfort again. Not like I was, not like death is imminent, but, like, its ok, because when things get real bad, then I will do it. And to maintain this low low level of sanity, or this low level of insanity, I choose not to feel about 95% of the time. Not to be compassionate, not to sympathize, not to delve into the deeper emotions, or feel anything than what I absolutely must to get by. If I dare allow myself to feel more... the suicidal tendencies will increase triple fold. So, I just keep plugging. Because thats all I am able to do. I can't manage to do more than just get by for some reason. Arg, There is no way out and the walls are closing in, whats a girl to do? Thursday, December 25, 2003 Merry Christmas, with a touch of Bah Humbug. First of all, we will start with the Bah Humbug. On Jamestown, we lived across from this older couple that my grandfather had been friends with. The man committed suicide on Tuesday. He managed to convince his wife to leave the house without him, and then called the police station and told them their was a body in the front yard, and to please come and remove it before his wife got home. Then he hung up, went outside, and shot himself. His wife, now his widow, has spent her first Christmas in decades without him, only 2 days later, making funeral arrangements. Poor Woman. Last night, I saw two people I went to school with. Both people were pretty cool when we went to school. Liked to cause a little bit of trouble, but nothing huge, dabbled in drugs and alcohol... but generally nice people. Last night, it was quite a difference. Both are completely strung out. Ok, I was going to go on to talk about Christmas and such, but, now it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, so for now, we will only go with the Bah Humbug part. Sunday, December 21, 2003 One day its a habit, the next, a mere memory After Cubby was euthanized, I wrote about him pretty often. As time went on, I wrote about him a little less, but took the 16th of every month to think about him. To write about him. Granted, sometimes I was late in my posting, but I always remember... hey another month has gone by. Then, it was a year. And all fo a sudden, that monthly habit was gone. It wasn't exactly intentional, and I still think about him often, and talk about him when I get the chance to bring him up in conversation. I have dreams about him on occassion. But, I know long have a feeling because its the 16th of the month. The week of, I'm not going, oh yeah, the 16th is on *****day... or, Oh man, the 16th was the other day. I didn't even realize it until tonight. I was chatting with some friends in a chat room, and one of them asked me about the dog in the picture. And so I told him a little about what happened. And as I was typing away to this friend who is yet also still a stranger, I realized that I was no longer taking the 16th as a day of mourning. I am saddened by this turn of events. I have a few things that I saw on an e-mail at work today. Very relevant. Have a heart that never hardens A temper that never tires And a touch that never hurts. Charles Dickens In loving memory of Cubby and Rocky and all my beloved furbabies that have gone on before me. Dear God if they are not in Heaven as I know it, may I go where they are..... "Sadness flies away on the wings of time" Jean de La Fountaine That last one is sooooooooo true. Time heals all wounds, even if we don't want it to. Thursday, December 18, 2003 Happy Holidays, or Bah Humbug? I don't know why, this year it just doesn't feel very christmasy. I mean, I'v been Christmas shopping and everything, listened to Christmas music on the radio... I'm just amazed that its coming up so fast, a week away. It doesn't feel like it this year. Maybe this is how Christmas feels when you live alone? I have a little mini tree, about a foot tall, with two ornaments on it. Thats my only decoration in my apartment. At work, we wanted to have little stockings for everyone, and just have everyone put something little in them. Somehow, even that has not gotten rolling yet. We've even had snow and everything this year so far... something just seems to be missing. On another note, Yesterday at work, this cute little chow mix, Butch, was adopted. I gave the person adopting him as much information as I could. When they left, I worried, and hoped that Butch would be alright, and live happily ever after. I was the only one at the shelter. After a few minutes of worrying, and finishing up the paperwork, I became sad... the sadness then snowballed quickly to me standing there sobbing. I just had a meltdown. Butch had been at our shelter since the middle of July. We got him from another shelter, where he had been atleast since last Christmas. Butch turned a year old in September, and had spent 3/4 of his life as we know in an animal shelter. Anyway, while he was at our shelter, for 5 months, I didn't spend an outrageous amount of time with him. I took him for one walk, taught him "leave it", but that was all the real special attention he got from me. He was/is a real sweety, very affectionate, loves to give kisses. But, we see a lot of dogs like that. Its been a long time since I'v cried when an animal gets adopted. Part of it was that I was trying to use him to replace Cubby. I was being careful not to spend extra time with him, not to give him preferential treatment to all the other dogs. It wasn't only his adoption that had me crying, I know that... It just suprised me. It made me wonder how much longer I can keep doing this for. I've been there for 6 yrs now. I don't know how people can do it for 20 years... how do you make yourself forget all of those animals? After 6 years, I've seen between 1400-2000 animals go through our shelter. I don't know, things just got to me last night, between the shelter and everything else. Oiy. Tuesday, December 16, 2003 Only the lonely can play... I miss people. Specific people. I miss animals, or.. maybe I just miss missing them. But I do really miss people. What we had, what we would have had, if I hadn't pulled away. I want back the people I have lost, and all the good that went with them. I have a lot of work to do before I will be able to stop forcing people out of my life. Monday, December 08, 2003 Sleepless in New England Its not yet 8am on a monday morning, my day off. I can't sleep. I shouldn't have gone to sleep early last night. I'v been awake for an hour now. I was tossing and turning waking up about every 15 minutes for 2 hours before that. Although I do that every morning lately. Lonely, I prefer the company of my dreams, the state of almost unconciousness that sleep allows. I had a dream a few days ago, as I occassionally do, of someone who fell out of my life a few years ago. I miss him a lot, as I usually do after these dreams. It makes me sad to realize that only coincidence will allow us to ever see each other again. I was laying here, hoping I would drift off into sleep again, and looked up, and freddie was sniffing the monitor. And he had the happy look on his face. I thought he would mark it with his cheek, but he didn't. I don't know if he only found himself on the monitor, or maybe he picked up the scent of some of the cats we used to live with. And it made me wonder if he ever misses them. Did he forget his family that he was raised with? And what about the other cats we lived with before we moved here? Does he ever wonder about them, want to see them again? If I come home and have been touching Buttons and Paprika, will he be sad that he didn't see them? He brings me such a high percentage of the happiness that I feel, I hope I make him happy. I like to read. It gives me an escape. Lately however, I almost prefer not to do the work that reading is. I prefer much more brainless activities, such as tv, computer, and sleep. I'm half way through a good book, and yet, I sit here and wish there was something good on tv, good people in a chat room, or that I could be asleep. Meanwhile, I certainly have plenty of stuff that needs to be done... I just can't seem to get up and do them yet. Life becomes so difficult when theres no motivation to do anything. Breathing itself becomes difficult at times. Saturday, December 06, 2003 "Its the end of the world as we know it..." or "Why can't we all just get along?" I sit here, waiting out the snow storm, trying to entertain myself, rolling my change and half listening to the news. Another attack in Iraq, a suicide bombing in another country, a fatal shooting in Providence, serial killings along rt. 214, people dying of AIDS and cancer and the flu. Pedestrians getting fatialy hit by motorists while trying to cross the street. Dissention among the ranks. Is the world coming to an end? People dying all over the place, from all sorts of reasons. The majority of the reasons on the news are unneccessary. People killing people, every where. And for what? Because of religion, money, you looked at me the wrong way, so on and so forth. I wonder how its possible that the human population keeps going up on earth when there is so much death and destruction all over the world. I know the world is not really ending. But it really feels like it is most of the time. If you listen to the news. I wonder how it is that the newscasters don't get burnt out. So much bad news to report, very rarely does good news make it. And does the good news ever out weigh the bad news? No, not that I can remember. We have a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on AIDS, a war on crime,... we like to solve problems with war it seems. So maybe that shouldn't be the word "or" up there... maybe it should be "and". "Its the end of the world as we know it..." AND " Why can't we all just get along?" Yeah, I think I like and better. Because its both, not one or the other. If we all got a long, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If we all had a little more tolerance for each other, and people weren't so ... I'v lost the word. The idea is there, I just can't put a name on it. If people weren't so... able/willing to make mistakes? Sort of what I'm going for but not really. I think there is a word for what I'm looking for, but I am no longer sure. Nothing is good enough, and everything is too good to be true. OIy. Monday, December 01, 2003 World AIDS Day, 2003 I think yesterday was World AIDS day.. a day devoted to spreading awareness about HIV and AIDS. On the news this morning they said something like there are 100,000-200,000 people in the USA that are infected with HIV/AIDS and do NOT KNOW IT! So this is just me giving a shout out to all those people out there who do have it, who don't have it, who will get it, and who will prevent it. HIV/AIDS is 100% preventable... its sad to realize that it has become such an epidemic. So remember, people with HIV/AIDS are people too, and use common sense, use protection, get tested, and BE SAFE! Wednesday, November 19, 2003 A chore or not? When simply sitting up in the morning is a chore, how is a person also supposed to get up and brush their teeth? When simply opening your eyes is a chore, how is a person supposed to put on clean clothes? When simply opening your mouth to talk to a friend is a chore, how is someone supposed to do the dishes? Its hard to become conscious in the morning, or any time for that matter, and even harder to maintain that state of being. Its not a case of not getting enough sleep, or being over tired or anything, its simply hard to BE at this point. So how am I supposed to hang out with friends, do the dishes, clean my car, do the laundry? How am I supposed to function like a normal human being, when all I want is to be asleep? Not even asleep, simply unaware instead. What then? Lonely... whyyyyyy am IIIIII so lonely... I want...... to fall completely and totally head over heals in love, and have it reciprocated. I want...... to actually feel a pair of arms wrap around me, and no longer have to imagine them. I want...... to not have it be a chore to be with friends, for it to be a natural thing, the way its supposed to be. I want...... to be able to listen to music or read poetry without having to stop because my stomach starts to flip, and my heart hurts I want..... to not wind up the scary old cat lady. I want..... to be able to maintain a normal level of cleanliness without it being a big ordeal. I want..... to live happily ever after, or to just not live any more at all. Monday, November 17, 2003 Just a few things to think on. I am reading this book by Frank McCourt (I think, I can't seem to locate the book at this second) Woohoo, I found the book and I was right. Anyway, so I'm reading this book, and its called " 'Tis" It's pretty good. So I was reading, and came across a quote that Frank heard when he was younger, and it was really quite something. "...the only person in the world who makes any sense is Albert Camus who says your most important act every day is deciding not to commit suicide." That one kind of made me go.. hmmmm... And one more little thing. I was online earlier, and on msn messenger, you can change how your name appears on a daily basis, and it still comes up on your friends buddylist, because it is done by email, rather than by name persay. And today, I had one name pop up as "I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke off" Thats another thing that makes me go "hmmmmm..." Ok, thats it for now. I just had to get it down so I could stop obsessing about it. Monday, November 10, 2003 Come on, you can DO it!!! I've been thinking. Primarily about last year. How were things different last fall. Last fall, despite how hard things got at work, I didn't face burn out. I didn't get pissy. I had a sense of humor about things at work. I had my bad days, but, over all, all things considered, I felt ok. I felt better than I do now. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was the fact that I was active. I was working out 3x's a week, plus sometimes walking and such. And I think it made a real difference. I didn't notice the difference then quite as much as I notice it now. I'm thinking of going back to the gym. I liked the gym, I just stopped going. I was embarrassed with the fact that I had gone off the diet, began to gain weight over the holidays. I'm getting to the point now though, where I'm getting ready to swallow any pride and go back. I mean, I think I'm still paying for the membership, so why shouldn't I? Its still an idea I'm mulling over. But I think, maybe sometime in the next month or so, I may end up there again. I hope so. Shameful secret or just who I am? I had this dream last night that my mom knew about the depression. I know that she knows about depression, even has an inside look on it, because she herself is suffers from severe depression. But I don't think she knows about the issues I have with it. She knows that at one point my aunt was rather concerned, but I don't think any of them know how true the name ssmilingsuicide is. errr.. was. Or atleast, I meant to type was. A real mistake, or a freudian slip? I'm honestly not really sure. I know that I really thought I was going to type "Was". Anyway, enough on that. So, in this dream, she really knew, and being a mom, decided to force me out of it. She made me go to some night class for becoming a physical therapist or something. And there I was, interacting with people like a normal human. And the depression was a shameful little secret. Which I guess it is. Although I don't do a very good job at hiding it when I type it up in here and broadcast it across the internet. Although, as "public" as this is, theres a line between the people who see this, and the people who see me in real life. And I know there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for having depression, but, I feel like, I feel like I don't need anything else that will seperate me even more. I don't want anyone to know whats wrong with me. At the same time, I just want people to understand. Not that it will help. But it was strange, feeling relatively normal again... in my dream. I don't remember when the unhappiness started initially. I remember being 11 and being terrified of being 12... because I was getting old so fast. I remember laying awake at night in 3rd grade, crying over WWII and the Jews in the concentration camps. I remember at that point in my life, already trying to hide the sadness, especially from my family. They didn't need to know. They didn't need the extra burden. They couldn't/wouldnt' make it better anyway. I am just amazed at how messed up I am. It floors me to think about it. Saturday, November 08, 2003 The best or was that the worst? In a moment of down and outness (completely uncommon for me, I know) (I was being sarcastic there) I was saying some self depreciating things, kind of in a joking tone. Even though It was said in a joking sort of way, the person I was chatting with picked up on it. And then he told me something which, at that point, made me cry, but also kind of made me think. He said "you are the best person in your life", I replied with "lol, then I am in a heck of a lot of trouble". In the coming days however, its kind of made me think about a couple things. My first thoughts where how messed up I am. How I'm depressive and not even sure I want to be happy, especially not if I have to work at it. How can I be the best person if I am so messed up? It made me think, "oh great, then who am I supposed to look up to?" If I'm the best person in my life, that means everyone else in my life is really messed up. Then I began to think about the other people in my life, the other people that don't want to be in my life any more than they absolutely have to be. My mom, who really is atleast as messed up as I am, if not more so. I mean, she was/is a leading cause in my "messed up factor". My brother is so far a fairly normal kid, despite the fact he is twice as big as every other 13 yr old and has a severe heart condition. But, he's also only 13. And I can see the patterns starting in him. I hope the depression and self doubt and self hatred won't be nearly as bad in him as it is in both me and my mother. But with me and my mother as the two main adults in his life, there's not really anyone to show him what its like to be normal. Theres my boss at work, who is an unwed mother, and wants nothing to do with me outside of work, and there are the other people at work, who may or may not have things just as bad, but still have no other use for me, other than at work. There are a lot of people who ar eonly partially, in my life at the bare minimum. And don't want anything else out of me than what they can take and make use of. They just don't want the rest of it. I don't really blame them, and I tend to eventually turn away from, or drive away anyone who may want the rest of it. So am I the best person in my life? Maybe I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. I am both my own best friend, and at the same time, my own worst enemy. I wish I could be one or the other, instead of both all the time. It seems to make life harder and more confusing than it really needs to be. Wednesday, November 05, 2003 Is all really fair in love and war? Blah. Is it fair to allow someone to become your friend if you are depressive? Everyone has had one of those "dooms day" friends. You know, the one that is always sad about something, no matter how good things are going, and they always think its the end of the world. Being a friend, you support their "sharing" at first... but then it really begins to get on your nerves, and you want to just yell at the person and tell them to get over it. Most of the time, people tend to drift away from the doomsday person after a while, because it can be depressing just to be around them. I don't want to be that dooms day person. So, I try to avoid talking about anything that bothers me with people who might be my friends. Which then leads them to think that I don't trust them. But, I don't want to tell them whats going on, and then I'd get into the habit of talking to them about it everytime... and then they would feel depressed nearly every time they talk to me.. and that would chase them off. So instead, I don't talk to them about it. Is it fair for me even to try and make friends with anyone if I am sad? I mean, it might rub off on them, if I get really into a funk, then they will feel sad, and if I go over the edge.. then they have to deal with everything that goes with that. I know this really makes me sound completely crazy (then again, I dont hear anyone arguing with that fact even when I'm not really going over the top), but, I wish I could just painlessly cut all my ties. With everyone. Without putting anyone out. Without making anyone sad. Without anyone going.. "Oh where did she go?", or "How did I get so out of touch", or anything like that. If I have no connections on earth, then I don't have to pretend to be ok. I don't have to worry about what will happen to so & so if I go over the edge... "blow out my candle" as I saw it once in a book. I realize its definatly a step down on the spiral to be having these thoughts.. especially regularly. I didn't think I'd get these thoughts back. It was all such a comfort a little over a year ago... now I'm back to fighting it a bit... I don't know what to do. Go get help is the logical answer, but thats not possible. Its just not going to happen. Theres nothing to be so down about...life is just the same as ever... Theres just nothing to look forward to any more. Monday, October 27, 2003 "Time's just a train, rolling down the track, every minute is a boxcar you don't get back..." "...take a look around you.. It's all gonna change.. Whatever you see its never gonna stay the same..." I was digging through some stuff, looking for my passport and some paper to write on.. and I came across old letters I had saved. Most of them from a long lost best friend. The person I went to Oregon to see this past summer. It had been so long since we had talked or written.. we were complete strangers to each other. She was still definatly herself. But me? Was I me? I know I was the me that I am, but did I at all resemble the me that I was? Its so strange to think of how time changes everything. What time can do to our dreams, to our friendships, to what we believe. Time changes everything, even what we expect and what we think might make us happy. What might make life livable. I feel like I still have so much to figure out, so much to change, but at the same time, I can't beleive that I may have to live another 50 years like this. Minute by minute, day by day, year by year... time just slips away... and as much as everything changes.. what if nothing gets better? Then what? When do I get to throw in the towel and call it quits? Why did I allow myself to turn into this, and why can't I get myself out of it now? What am I gonna do with 50 years of boxcars still to watch slip away... all alone, with nothing and no one to fill in the void? Eeewwwwwwwwww and YUCK!!! Ok, so I have this ... thing on my side. It's a skin tag I guess... only, its big. Like....probably an inch circumfrence. Most skin tags are only like... a millimeter high. Anyway, its in a wierd spot, and sometimes gets all twisted up and stuff. If it gets twisted around enough times, it looses circulation... and then turns all scary shades of purple and black. When it gets untwisted, and regains circulation, it regains its normally fleshy color, turns a little red, and then swells up and sticks out straight. (If I were a skinny minny, people would probably notice it through my clothes) Anyway, the thing doesn't really have a lot of feeling. I mean, I really have to squeeze it hard or dig my fingernails into it to feel anything. So being slightly obsessive, and a little concerned about this thing on my side, last night, I was poking at it with a cutical scissor. (This is where I get crazy and stupid to boot) So I'm wondering if I could cut it off. It looks kind of like a raisin, although a bit larger. and its attatched by this little bridge of skin. Its Weird. It looks kind of like this.. : ( )-o the big thing is me, the dash is the skin bridge, and the o is the thing. Anyway, the bridge part - has a lot of of sensation, more feeling than the rest of it. So I was thinking that I would try and cut the thing a little, and I would simply stop as soon as I could feel it. (Maybe the cutical scissors were really sharp). Anyway, So I start pressing into just a little bit of the top with the scissors. and next thing I know, I'v made a little cut.. and no feeling... so I just keep going! Then there's this little peice that I'v cut off!!! EEEEeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww So I'm squishing the little peice I cut off, and a little blood come out. So I look down at the thing on my side, and now its bleeding. OOPs. LOL It felt a little uncomfortable, but it still didn't really hurt. Ahhhhh this thing is scary, and I should probably have it looked at. Oh well, Just don't have the cash at this point to go to the DR. unless it gets really scary, like growing or gets infected or something. Saturday, October 25, 2003 Summery and bubbly? HA! You are - Cute sandals! Summery and bubbly... but with large amounts of sand between your toes! Which Eddie Izzard shoes are you? brought to you by Quizilla His life must have been pretty bad if he wanted to blow up the school and stuff ... DUH!!! On the news was a story about a boy who was recently possibly plotting to blow up the school. He had homemade napalm, a corpse list, photo's and lay outs of the school, and places where possible bombs could go. He was arrested before he did anything. They interviewed a girl that went to school with him. She was one of the "normal" people. She said that the boy was very strange, always dressed oddly, and was antisocial, but that they never thought he'd do anything violent. Then she goes on to say that his life must be pretty bad for him to want to blow up the school and hurt people. LIKE NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! The poor boy has probably been feeling like the world is ending and he has to stop the pain. That girl doesn't have a clue of what that poor guy probably feels. Having been an oddity that had no friends and was insanely lonely... I quite frankly don't really blame the boy for wanting to blow up the "normal" people. Even if they haven't done anything horridly out of the ordinary to him, that doesn't make the fact that they neglect to include him or think that they are better then him any less hurtful. I'm not saying that its right for him to blow people up mind you. I'm just saying, that clearly, something needs to be done. Now that these people who are in this much pain have fairly easy access to such weapons of destruction, if we don't want any more Columbines, then people need to pay attention. We need to make sure that people do not feel that alienated. Oiy, when will the world get it? Wednesday, October 22, 2003 "I can't feel... the way I did before... Don't turn your back on me..." Theres this chow mix at work. He reminds me soo much of Cubby. I know he is himself, and not Cubby, but, my heart goes out to him. He is definatly a chow mix, and he knows it, unfortunatly. If he wasn't so chowish in temperment, then he would probably have been adopted already. He's been at the shelter since July. I keep having.. flashforwards I guess. Not exactly a flash back of Cubby, but I can see the same thing happening with Butch. Or, it being the same basic story. I'm so afraid to like him. So afraid to give him any extra TLC. He needs it, but I don't know that I want to put myself into that position again. I already have to a certain extent, working with him on the "leave it" command. I can't have a dog. I don't even have time for my cat or my rabbit or my turtle. So I definatly don't have time for a dog. Also, I'm not allowed to have a dog where I live, and my apartment is way to small, and my cat HATES dogs. I mean, Butch is great with cats, but my cat would try to kill him. I hope he gets adopted soon. The longer he is at the shelter, the more attached I will get. And sometimes, even after 6 years, I can't prevent it. Logic doesn't work, and for some reason I can't build up the walls around my heart to fend them off. For now I will have to limit my contact with him I guess. I just don't know what else I could do. Sunday, October 19, 2003 Whats in a Name? I went to this fair while I was in Oregon. They had a church group that was handing out certificates that have your name, and what your name means. They just look up your name in the computer, and print out the paper. The people I was with all had theirs done, and the people with the computer were asking me. I told them they probably didn't have my name, especially not the way I spell it. Well, lo and behold, they had my name, even spelled correctly. Turns out that my name is really very very old. It means "a pearl". I wonder if my mom knows that my name meant something. I always thought we just didn't know how to spell, or liked our children to feel alienated, as we all spell names differently. I never really looked at as a tradition to spell names differently... it never crossed my name until just now. Maybe, just maybe, thats something that we have that we pass down. Friday, October 17, 2003 Me, Myself, and I.. or someone else? I am really attached to my cat. I am uncomfortable around other people. My cat offers something no person can offer. Complete and total unconditional love. Ok, so maybe if I started beating him, and then never fed him, he wouldn't love me, however, I'm not going to start doing that. What I mean is, I don't have to hide anything from him. I could have every nasty, bad habit around, and he will still greet me at the door. I could.. pick my nose, and fart and burp constantly, and do lots of other things that are something other than lady like, and he won't judge me, he won't care. I can come home crying every day for 2 years, and he will still love me. He won't get fed up with me. Won't give up and not be able to tolerate my sadness any more. I could way 500 lbs, or 100 lbs, and he will still love me. When I am around just Freddie, I don't have to hide anything, be anything that I am not. I don't have to put on a face, or a front. I don't have to censor myself, or pretend to have it all together. I don't have to be sad, or happy. I can be anything, anyway, me and myself , and I. In front of other people, we censor ourselves. We think about what we do before doing it. We make sure we are fairly polite, respectable. I don't have to do any of that for the cat. I can just BE. Thursday, October 16, 2003 Birthdays My birthday was a few days ago. There was really no todo about it. I was feeling rather sad, as I do on most of my birthdays. A few years ago, I was at work on my birthday, and feeling much of the same. The manager asked me to go check the mail. I told her I had checked it on my way in that morning, but she told me she really needed me to go check it again, because she was waiting for something to come in. So I was like, fine, ok, no prob. I went and got Cubby (the mailbox is at the end of a very long drive way, so it was a short 5-10 minute walk with the dog), and checked the mail. Just as I thought, the mailbox was empty. So I sat down back at the shelter, out in the drive way, and spent a little time with the dog. Then Paula knocked on the window, and tells me I have a phone call. So I get up, and go inside. Reaching for the phone, i look around, and realize that everyone is wearing party hats and their is a cake on the desk. They threw me a mini suprise party. It was great. It totally made my day. Anyway, since then, that has been the the general rule of thumb for birthdays. Bring in a cake, and a present, and have a little celebration. Well, my birthday this year fell on a day where the most people are out. So, there was no celebration. Not even a happy birthday. No word from my family. No word from friends. Towards the end of the day, my cousin came into work and brought me a piece of cake. It was nice. But it was sad, because other than in a chat room, that was it. My mom called the next day. Anyway, the whole thing was rather dissappointing. On Tuesday, the manager looked at the calander and was like, "oh man, it was your birthday, we need to have a cake". Then that was the end of it. Well, Today, she brought in cupcakes and a present. It was a little late, but it was such a nice gesture. It really made my day. Made me feel much better about the whole thing. I'm still lonely, and need people in my life who really get it, but , maybe they care a little more than I usually think they do. I don't know. I just don't know, and don't think I will ever have it figured out. Maybe some day it will all fall into place, but I doubt it. No point in worrying about it at this point though. Another year to go before I have to worry about being forgotten on my birthday again. Now I just have to worry about ThanksGiving and Christmas. Ideas Anyone?? Today must have been idea day. I was on a roll this morning. I think I had 3 or 4 ideas... although I can't currently remember what they are. Reading that makes me feel like a total blond. LOL Anyway, I'm talking like... ideas of things that may make things easier or whatever. Saturday, October 11, 2003 Memories Memories are strange. Sometimes we remember the most random details of our life. For instance, Living on BI, I remember: Getting icecream with my mom at "The Icecream Place" (yes, thats the name of it) and wanting a sugar cone but getting a wafer cone. Wanting Bubblegum Icecream. Making my mom lick the icecream cone because I couldnt keep up with the dripping. Offering her a taste of my icecream for a taste of hers. Going into the restaurant and asking "can I get some cheeeeesseee luiseeee." The taste of rice cakes with peanutbutter and honey on them. The wooden honey stick in the drawer next to the sink. The deeeep sink in the bathroom in the restaurant. Learning to blow bubbles in my gum in the restaurant. Singing Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, while hiding under the counter, sneaking sugar packets. Spinning on the stools. Kristina biting her tongue so hard I thought she was dying. Jess eating a rock, then eating cat food. Trying to sneak out of my friend's house in the middle of the night because her mom was babysitting me. She stationed her oldest son on the couch to catch me. I still got out. The orange and white longhaired kitten that we kept in the bathroom. We had to give him away because we couldn't let him out, and we couldn't keep him inside. Being terrified of Daddy cat. My mom eating junior mints, until last year I thought she liked mint chocolate like I do because of that.. it turns out she sometimes like junior mints... but in general, does not like mint + chocolate. Laying on the living room floor crying because I didn't know if my father was dead or alive. Hating the color green because I left my paints outside under the picnic table, and the green got ruined in the rain. Trying to dig a hole in the sand while I had a hangnail on my pinkey and how much it hurt. A lot of crazy, stupid, insignificant little things. All from before I was 5 yrs old. People need to realize how much they affect even young children. Children are sponges. And everyone that they meet may have a major affect on them. My kittens are doing ok. They started really eating out of a bowl today. Two of them ended up with their entire faces and the tops of their heads covered in formula mixed with wetfood. They put their faces in the bowl and come up coughing. It takes them a few tries to understand that they can not go snorkling in the food dish. But they are learning. They are also very slowly figuring out the litterbox thing. It will take a while with no mom to teach them, but they will get it. Thursday, October 09, 2003 Why Do We Dream if Our Thoughts Have No Meaning? Ugh, My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me how lonely I am. The only person who it seems to have occured to is (Besides Joanne, Thanks JO!!!) is one person at work. Soooo... my plan is to get some alcohol, sit here, and drink myself into a stupor while crying to my cat. And if my family doesn't even call me, well then, I might have to "work" at both my jobs on Christmas. Which is basically like cutting off my nose to spite my face, or shooting myself in the foot, but ya know... they don't need me, so why should I need them. :*( Anyway, now I keep having these dreams about being the person left out, and everyone in the dreams are people that I used to go to school with. Dreams that make me want to cry, and then I wake up because I'm so lonely it hurts. Arg, I don't want to do this any more. There is no end in site for it. It just doesn't stop. I watched this movie, About a Boy the other night. It was great. went from Hugh Grant drinking himself into a stupor because he was bored on Christmas, to him having lots of friends and family around, and enjoying it. Too bad thats not in the stars for me. I wonder what makes me so messed up that I can't accept love from people who would be willing to give it to me, and makes almost everyone else dislike me. Ugh, sometimes I dread to think that I may have another 50 years like this. Monday, October 06, 2003 How to know when its time to wash the dishes You know its time to wash the dishes when: You have been eating out for a week because there are no clean dishes left to eat on or cook in You consider throwing out all of the dishes and buying new ones rather than washing them You have algea growing in your pots that you left to "soak" to make them "easier to clean" You buy antibactieral and scented dishsoap.. because its needed. The smell from the sink rivals the smell from the bathroom on "Mexican night" The dishes make the sllluuurrrpppp sound when you try to pry them apart. You can't cook, because, besides the lack of clean dishes.. the dirty dishes over run the stove, and create a fire hazard. You wonder if you should just move to a new home instead of cleaning the kitchen. Your honestly afraid of finding some living creature in the sink or on the counter under or in one of the dishes. Your hands smell like they are rotting after you finish washing the dishes. You refuse to have anyone over, god forbid they should see your kitchen. You want to wear a biohazard suit before entering the kitchen. None of the dishes and can even consider being washed before they have soaked in HOT HOT HOT soapy water for 20 minutes. And... When you can honestly no longer remember the last time you washed the dishes. Tuesday, September 30, 2003 What a day... it was a case of the straw that almost broke the camel's back... just sort of one little thing after another... was not my day... ending in my car breaking down in the middle of the road at a stop light. And it wouldn't start again. Well, I manage to get home, get the farm fed (in the dark, and the cow was mooooing cus she was hungry), walk to the store to buy something for dinner, and then check my messages. I got a phone call from this guy, from some car company. I apparently entered at one point to win a Chevy Tahoe, and I am a finalist in the drawing. LOL The winner will be notified by telephone at some point. I don't remember enrolling in some contest, but cool beans just the same. LOL Woohoooooo. Thursday, September 25, 2003 Whats your soul worth? Your soul is worth £46097. For your peace of mind, 15% of people have a purer soul than you. <----- thats what the quiz told me. http://www.wewantyoursoul.com is the link. Have fun. :-) Monday, September 22, 2003 Which Family Guy Character are you? Take the Quiz! I found this way to funny. ROFL... who'da thought I would be.... well... me. Sunday, September 21, 2003 OMG don't ever hit escape before you have something saved. D'oh! Wednesday, September 17, 2003 I don't know if I am jumping the gun or not, but I ... I think maybe, after a year, I finally reached the final accepted stage of grieving. Acceptance. Yesterday was officially a year since Cubby was euthanized. And I look at his picture, and I think about him, and it feels....... different. Now... it feels more like all the others. Almost like, I don't know, like maybe its time to put the picture away. To not cry over him any more. I only had one spazzy moment yesterday, when the manager and I were talking about another chow mix thats currently at the shelter, and she said, "Maybe he just likes you". With Cubby, that was a very common phrase. Told to me, potential adopters, other staff members, everyone. "He only likes her, He's her dog". As soon she said that maybe Butch, the chowmix who is currently at the shelter, just liked me, I immediatly replied with "If anyone says that he is my dog, I will quit. I will walk out right now, and never return." I had warned everyone against saying that last winter, and the warning still stands. Wendy defended herself, saying that she hadn't said that, but I just said that I know, and that I was simply reminding her, that I really would leave and never look back if I heard that phrase. And then that was it. That was my only "Moment". And now, ... everything feels... different. Almost, jeepers I hate to say it... fake. Like, I'm only pretending. Like, He was just another dog. I got so used to the "mourning" stage, that this feels odd. I will adjust, and like I said, maybe I'm jumping the gun. Maybe I'm just to warn out to feel it today. But maybe, just maybe, ... I am/ have/ moving/moved on. Sunday, September 14, 2003 Ok, I just finished watching the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant. I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan or anything like that, but I was in the video store the other day, and saw it used for $7. I remember seeing the commercials for it and thinking it might be cute, and I have no life, so wanted a movie to watch. Anyway, I bought it, and I watched it tonight. It was soooooo cute. I really liked it. Yay! I just thought it was ... sort of the happy ever after but not overly completely 110% cheeseball kind of movie. So Yeah, I really liked it. Saturday, September 13, 2003 Insanity Grave digger, when you dig my grave, please make it shallow, so I can feel the rain... I don't knowhow people get over the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father... I can't even get over the loss of a dog that I had put to death, a dog who didn't belong to me, who I didn't belong to. Argh. I love my cat so much, but he doesn't fill that emptiness inside me. And I know that Cubby wouldn't fill that void either, but it's hard not to assume that the unconditional love of another animal won't solve it. Or another dish of icecream, or another online friend, or another job. Or a new apartment, a new bike. Too bad its impossible to purchase a new life. The 16th is tuesday. That will be a year since Cubby was euthanized. 1 year since I allowed him to die in my arms. I still miss him, miss burying my face in his fur. I do that to my cat, and as I'v said, I love my cat more than anything in the world, he is why I continue to breath, but... I feel really bad saying this... Is he enough? I want to do something drastic on the 16th, to let them all know I still grieve, that I did/am greiving at all. I have decided to wear a black shirt through out the month. On the 16th, I will wear all black. If I run out of black shirts, I will create a black arm band, and wear that. But thats not enough. Its not enough to have Cubby's picture as an emoticon on my msn messenger, to have his picture on my msn profile, to have his picture framed on top of my computer, and to have the picture of him in my lap as the desktop picture on the computer. I want to do something more. I want to take a vow of silence on the 16th, go on a hunger strike, hold a candle light vigil, and a protest. I want to tell someone off, let them know I am angry, and I hurt. I don't know what to do. How to honor him. The ultimate showing of grief would be to just finish it on that day. That would be a big "Fuck you" to all of them. You didn't want to be my family, you didn't deserve to be my family, you don't deserve to share in my grief, or to be able to help me. I am not worthy of your concern, but at the same time, you are not worthy of being allowed to worry. Not that I would actually do something like that. But how I would love to make a statement like that. That, however, would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face, something I try to avoid doing. Damn I hate being reasonable sometimes. I do just wish that I could loose it completely at some point. I just want to bash someones head in once.. just once... is that too much to ask? LOL of course it is. Damn, when did I get so crazy? So today, for work, I had to take a few cats up to PetsMart for adoption. There was this cute guy their, from another animal shelter, doing the same thing, only in a different area of the store. Anyway, he came over to where I was set up, and we talked for a few minutes. Then he just sort of hung around for like 15-20 minutes. After a while, he had to go do something so he left. As he was getting ready to leave for the day, he came back over, and asked if I would be there tomorrow! I won't be, a different girl from the shelter is going. :-( It was exciting for him to ask me if I would be there tomorrow just the same though. LOL Oiy, I'm pathetic. Friday, September 12, 2003 Blah, *sings* no body likes me, everybody hates me, blah blah blah blah blah... I'm tired and bored and lonely. As I always am. Everynight I come home, and actually wait for a decent time to go to bed. I don't dare go to bed too soon, or I will wake up too early, and it will be even worse in the morning. I'm tired of having to wait until bed time. Thursday, September 11, 2003 Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mommy loves me!!! I just had to call her to let her know that my friend in Oregon has had her baby. Then I told her about In Harmony, and my new job there, and she got all excited!!! And she said that its because they see how good I am at my job. So take that and stuff it... to those who say that I am not such a good option for my job(s). :-p Monday, September 08, 2003 Your daemon would definitely be a HAWK! Fierce and predatory, you usually don't seek the company of others, instead preferring to find yourself. You're a very loyal mate, but other than a few close friends, tend to avoid others. Because of this, you are often viewed as distant, absent- minded and relatively apathetic. You'd make an excellent strategist, however, given your ability to see the big picture instead of focusing on details. What's your inner daemon? brought to you by Quizilla Always all alone I wanted/do want the people from work to be my family. They have other people in their lives however, and don't need me, except at work. I feel most comfortable around my brother, but, its really sad that he's the one that I feel the most loved from. Other than my cat. My cat and my brother are on an even keel, everyone else is on the bottom of the totem pole. My own mom doesn't even really like me. If she had to be my friend, she wouldn't. She finds me boring. And I am boring. But my family should still love me right? I want that christmas card picture family kind of love. I'm so freaking messed up it doesn't even feel to go out and seek any kind of relation ship with anyone, not even friend ship. It seems rather sneaky and underhanded to go out and befriend someone because I need someone to share life with. Everything from the big things to the little things. The kind of things friends share, both the happy and the sad. I'v cried a lot today, a lot more than I have in a while. I think part of it is that its September. Part of it is everything else. And part of it is just that I'm insane. Ugh, *sigh* thank god for Freddie, I do't know what I would do without him. I swear, he becomes more affectionate when I'm sad, even when I'm not showing the real signs of it... he knows. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my family, my support, silly to rest so much of that on a cat, but there's no one else who wants it. Whats wrong with me that I'm not worthy of that from other humans. :*( Thursday, September 04, 2003 Things have been crazy. Seem to be settling down a bit now. Yesterday, Maria from the theraputic riding place offered me a job! Of course I said yes. Now I will be working all the time literally, because I will be working full time at the shelter, and on both of my days off at the farm. I'v wanted to work with horses for sooooo long, and I just didn't know how to get into the field. Now I know. Wooohoooooo. I was so excited yesterday, I just wanted to share the news, to tell someone, for someone to celebrate with me, but I had no one to tell. That made me soooo sad. To have no one to share the happy moments with takes a lot of the happiness out of them. But then I came online, and Jen was there. And woohooo, I had someone to share my excitement with! Thanks Jenners for being there. :-D Thursday, August 21, 2003 My place is a total disaster, and Freddie thinks I don't love him any more. I went away for a week, left him at my moms house, came home for a week, now I am petsitting for someone, so only come home for about an hour a day, and don't spend the night here. I spoke to my mom today, she said something very odd. I was talking about the fair, and said that I couldn't afford to go every day. She said, "well, you never know". :-s I find this rather worrysome, although not too badly, because I am fairly confident that she does not have tons of money in the bank, and so therefore, I wont become rich if she... erm... passes on. It just seemed like an odd thing to say... I wanted to be like.. what do you know that I don't... I didn't say that though. Friday, August 15, 2003 I just read this book, in about two days. Its called Almost Lost. Its about a boy who practically goes over the edge, and his journey back. Its a true story, and the entire book is actually writings of what was said during his therapy sessions, and is written with his permission, by his therapist. IN the book is a lot of information on how negative thoughts and feelings are contagious, infectious, destructive, and how we make these feeling grow and grow and grow, and how to prevent that. It was a very good book, and I strongly suggest that anyone who has battled with depression, does battle with depression, or has a family member who battles with depression should read it. I have been dreaming alot lately. Tossing and turning. The last three nights, I have actually pulled the fitted sheet off of my bed, right out from under me. Mydreams have been about people. About people with me, being my friends, loving me, as me. I am very lonely. There is a whole lot of no one in my life. I talk to people at work, and sometimes when I am online at home. But I don't have the normal friends and social calls that every average, normal person has. It makes me sad. Thursday, August 14, 2003 Ouchers, my neck hurts. I went to the fair yesterday, it was *shrug* alright I guess. I have this problem for some reason where I cry when I am at the fair. Actually, its more like, when I am at the fair, and see someone else having way too much fun. It starts as a chuckle and turns into my trying desperatly holding back tears. I am so envious of when other people have fun, it reminds me of how much fun I never have. My life is work... when I am not at work, I am at the farm volunteering, if I am not there, I am home. Doing a heck of a lot of nothing. I am home so much, you would think I would be able to keep my apartment clean, however, I honestly do almost nothing when I am home. I mean, I sit, with the computer on, and sort of stare off into space, sometimes talking to people on line, sometimes paying some attention to whats on tv, but thats about it. And thats what I do, all night long. I need to get a life. I need to have something to live for. I need to have fun, I need to do fun things. I need to not always be "the most responsible, mature, __yr old that __________ have ever seen". Blah. Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Would you be willing to adopt your next pet or child, rather than buying (pet) or having one biologically? About Me Meg United States I try to take things in stride... life is easier if you don't fight it too hard. By reading my blog, you won't really believe that.. but this is more of the inside, rather than the outside. 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