So I had an appointment to donate blood today, and was expected to get stuck atleast twice, have huge bruises on both arms, and be there for 2 hours, because thats how it usually goes when I donate. Today must have been my good day... The girl stuck me only once, and hit the vein instantly. She didn't have to move it around or anything.!!! I filled the pint bag in 5 yes count them 12345 minutes! Last time it took twenty, and my fingers were freezing and tingling before I was done. LOL All of us there were so excited. They know I'm "a difficult stick". It hasnt been that easy in over a year! Wooooohooooooo... I told the girl that was so easy I would go again tomorrow. lol. She told me not to get too carried away lol. Ahhh was good though. Very good. Very well worth it.

The crisis is over. Freddie likes me again. I think the little fucker (said in the most lovingly way possible) was just playing head games with me. And it worked. I will be sure to appreciate him more. I am in the middle of rearranging my apartment. Its hard work. I Decided to take a break, I am beginning to think I should just leave it as I now have it. Completely in shambles.. more than usual. LOL, I got basically all the furniture back in place, but I have to now put everything else away. I dun wanna! Quick, someone else come and do it for me. LOL, this is why I never usually rearrange or do any major cleaning projects. I loose any motivation about half way through. We have run into a snafu in trying to get to Oregon. When I looked online before, the tickets ranged from $215-$315 or so.... we didn't buy tickets then because the person I am going with wasn't able to come up with the money right away. So we look now... The price is about $400 now. Which is gonna be a lot harder if not impossible for either of us to swing. Ugh. I have to go. I need to go. I need a vacation, its been 3 yrs since I had one. I keep putting it off, waiting for this or that, and everytime I try to go, something stands in the way. I was also told htat I was going to meet an old friend this summer when I had my cards read. The trip is to meet an old friend. And I am supposed to make some good desicions while I am away. Some decisions that I haven't even been thinking about at this point. I want to go. I don't know if I really believe in the cards and such, however, I'd rather not bet against them. I need to be young and have fun and be carefree. I haven't been. Ever. When is it my turn?

Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Freddie doesn't like me any more. :*( Over the last... week or two or month or something, he has become far less affectionate. Although He has been following me into the kitchen, or looking at me and meowing. I figured he wanted to go outside or get wetfood. He was just sitting here, next to me, not doing anything really, and I leaned over him, told him I loved him, and nuzzled him. He didn't do anything. Usually he leans into me, purrrs. I pet him and leaned on him for about a mnute, and go no reaction. So I scooped him up and hugged and snuggled him, and he tolerated it for about 15 seconds, and then wriggled out of my arms, and continued to ignore me. No purring. No wanting me to love him. That makes me very sad. He walks by and I reach down for him, and he keeps ignoring me, walking away. If I don't have him, then what do I have??? Nothing. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him, not doing enough for him, but oh, I didn't think he would give up on me. It may seem silly to get so upset over being shunned by a cat, but he is the only one who loves me unconditionally. Or the only one who did. He was the only one it was safe to let the walls down for, to feel for, and now I have to work or figure out how to get him back. Argh... is nothing in life easy?

I don't understand how someone can be a teacher, and still have a completely psychotic home life. How they can belittle their children, and act out infront of their children, and then wonder why their children are freaking crazy and out of control. If parents show absolutely no respect for each other, then how do they expect the children to respect them, each other, or anyone else. I know we all loose our temper and such.. but to have your entire home in absolute chaos and anger almost constantly is insane. And they wonder why they are not happy. I just don't understand how you can be an adult, and a teach at that, and not understand what the problem is.

Hmmm, they changed the whole look of the posting secton of this. Not in a bad way, or a good way... just different. Uhhhhh its so easy to be numb... so almost comforting. To not empathize. But I am supposed to be empathetic, to nurture my ability to feel, and place my self in other's shoes, and to really feel what they are feeling. But I spent so long in pain, I'd rather just not let it matter. Not let any of it in. Not feel any of it. Just pretend that everything is as simple and as distant as ..... I don't know where I was going with that, I realize there is no way to finish it. I wonder when it was that I decided that I had to give up. Or that I wanted to give up. So much for wanting all the pain only for me, wanting to save everyone else, now I want no part of it. I want no part of anything that makes me feel. I just want to leave that part out. When did that happen? When did I become so ... I don't know the word.

Baby, Baby stay... Stay right where you are, I like it this way... Its good for my heart.... .... Baby baby stayyy.... Gone...
Find what you weren't looking for Hmmmmmm stuff to think on.

I can't feel, the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored...
Cheers to that. I really can't afford to ever feel again like I did once in the past... because next time, I don't want to make it out of it. I just want the feelings to last until its over, until they bring it all to an end, instead of going through that nasty cycle over and over again. I'd rather just not bother with it. I was thinking earlier about relationships that we have with other people. Friends, family... and anyone else that falls under the category of people we love. There is ususally a rather high level of comfort with ones that we love. When you know you can say something that they don't agree with, and you may have a debate about it, but you will still love each other afterwards. When you can do really silly things around them, and its ok. When you can really let your guard down, and be the same person around them that you are when you all alone and no one is watching. When you go to them when you feel weak, and hurt, and happy and overwhelmed with any feelings that need to be shared. I love to watch the very basic, natural physical contacts with people who are comfortable with each other. A hug here, a hand on the arm there, leaning on them, sitting close to them, things like that. Looking at them even. I see this and watch these interactions with other people, and I long for more of them myself. I have so few people, if any, that I am really relaxed around. I always seem to be holding something back, not reaching out when I want to, not speaking up when I want to. Most people never even give thought to these basic relationships, and all that go with them. Most people ahve these relationships regularly, with family members, or close friends, or spouses or lovers. The closest I seem to be able to come to letting the walls down with is my brother, I guess because he is non-threatening in a mental way. Physically threatening he is, simply because I know it would be a real fight to hold my own with him if we decided we ever really had to "step outside". But even there, there is a block, a wall, a tenseness and controls I put in place when I am around him, or anyone. I want that ease, that simple trust that so many other people seem to have. I just want to be able to let down the guard for someone, to not have to keep it built up so much all the time. And to think, this is progress for me. I used to be sooooooooo much more reserved with everyone. I guess I finally realized that wasn't working. Slowly began to creep out of my shell. Either that or the insantiy just couldn't stay inside any longer. LOL. Either way, I am better than I was, but hopefully not as good as I will be.

Monday the Llama gets neutered. I get to help hold him. :-| Happy happy joy joy. LOL One of my foster kittens is very very determined to eat people food sometimes. I put him on the floor 5-10 times, and he kept climbing back up on the bed to get it. And tis quite a hike for him to get on the bed. LOL he should sleep well tongiht. I have to clean, and clean well, as the house is being assessed on monday. Freddie is bored, and i think he is getting frustrated. He wants more room, and to go out and play. Maybe I will try him on the harness again. Hopefully I will be able to find his good harness, and won't have to buy another one. I can't find another of the one that I really like, so I would have to get a different one and resize him. I would be ahppy if I could find the same brand again, as I really like the one that he had, as far as security and ease of sizing goes. He enjoys the kittens, they give him the extra attention and love that he doesn't get from me. The kitten that is obsessed with the human food is also obsessed with crawling on the keyboard as I type. And is quite good at standing on the enter key. Makes things quite interesting in a chat room. Lol.

God never gives us more than we can handle. While I may have my doubts or simple lack of certainty about the power from above and God and all that, I like to at the very least beleive that we never get more than we can handle... althought I know thats not true, or people wouldn't commit suicide. But thats besides the point, as at the moment, I am not suicidal. But I am wondering how much more I get right now, before I'v met my quota of what I can handle. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. But when we are building strength, isn't it safest to do it slowly over prolonged period of time, rather than to pump it up as much as possible, as fast as possible?? Sometimes, I am beginning to wonder. I think I have enough right now to make me strong. So give me a break ok? Lol. I'm just sort of going along in a daze, and not a bad dark cloudy daze, just sort of a happy go lucky wearing the blinders kind of daze. *shrugs* I just don't know. I'm am under attack or something. Trial by fire and such. But I will persevere, I always do, and my landlady said that I would when she read my cards *wink*. Lol I guess we all have to find hope in something, so why not right??

I had my cards read tonight... tarot cards. Wowzers. It was tooooooooooo cooooooooooooool for schoooooooooool man. I am supposedly going to get some sort of promotion or job change in septemberish... she told me I am going to see a long lost friend in August.. (which I am)... that I am healthy... which is a relief... and that I am going to meet and get into a relationship with a redhaired guy who is 5'10'' next feb/march, and that he will some how be connected to work.. and that his sign is a fire sign. Also that my money will continue to be ok, although I need to start saving... and that my brother is ok, mom is in a long term relationship, that will last a good deal longer, my aunt will get sick in the fall, but will recover... wowzers it was crazy. It was good though, very good.

Rahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I? I am me, thats all I can be I guess. Arg, Grrrrrrrrrrr blah... nothing to anyone, sometihng to someone? Not loved enough, needed too much and not enough at the same time. I'm a Libra, supposed to be balanced.... instead of everything in the middle though, I am everthing on both extremes.... so when I pit my self against myself, its a fair fight I guess. and I come out in the middle. But I don't think thats how its supposed to be. To find balance by hainvg and keep ing both extremes is the hard way of going about it I guess. I guess I like to do things, alearn things the hard way... Then again, doesn't everyone my age? I constantly be sorry, and say it over and over, and yet to be too proud to say when I need to. To always be in need of help, and too proud to admit it. To find happiness in sadness, and sadness in hapiness. To laugh so hard that the tears begin to roll, and to end up bawlling my eyes out because of it. To be jealous and envious, and confused, to know all the answers for everone lese, and to know none of them for myself. To find everyone worhty, except for myself. To give and give, and yet be selfish. Who am I? What am I? Confused, baffled, dazed, dry, smart, sensible, irrational, confusing, unintelligent. I am all of the above, and everything else. I am me.

There is never a dull moment sometimes it seems. Be careful what you wish for, what you want, because you might just get it. "Do you know what happened to the little boy who got everything he wanted? No... what? He lived happily ever after" It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be mine. "Hello, Butler, I think I have a new admission for you, could you p[lease send the men with the little white coats?" What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. God never gives us more than we can handle. I think I can I think I can I think I can.

I'm going to Oregon... I'M GOING TO OREGON.... I'M GOING TO OREGON!!!!!! Woohoo! Yeah, I decided I really will go after all, specially since the crazy people aren't all going, only one of them, who I really don't mind being with, cus she isn't as crazy as the rest of them. Wooooottt!!! in the words of the marvy Jenners. I wasn't really sure I would go, actually I thought for sure that I wouldn't go, but then I changed my mind. Now I'm totally stoked. Yeah baby.

It's strange to me that I have to have some very tangible motivation to go to the gym and eat well and such. Blah, its annoying, its easy enough when the motivation is there, but when the motivation isn't... its impoosible.
Keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
Cus I just can't go through
Another heart ache again...
He was my strongest weakness,
I surrenedered heart and soul...
It's gonna be a long long time
till I regain control
I'm still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he'll always be
....Now he's gone and life goes on..
And if this pain will ever end..
Will I be afraid, to risk it all
And ever love one again.... -Wynonna Judd-
Ok stupid of me to think things about a dog I know, but its true. I can't bring myself to get attached to another animal. I like them all, sure I do, but I don't have a particular fondness for any of them at the shelter. And I havven't since I lost Cubby. Because, quite frankly, I can't afford too. I don't want to be in that much pain ever again. And the only way to really avoid it is to not let any of them get to me. Instead I feel myself drawn to one of the horses at the farm, for no reason that I can fathom. I don't know any more, not that I ever did. I thought that someday I would.. that I would be able to change my addy because I wouldn't be so confusded any more, but I'v come to realize that I will always be lost and confused. I will never know all the answers, as much as I want to.

I love my landladies, they are too funny. I can hear them sniping at eachother occassionally in the hall. I get nervous, thinking they are fighting, but its just the normal back and forth of two people who love each other and occassionally get on each others nerves. Its been a long time since I was that comfortable with anyone... I don't think I'v ever been that secure and comfortable with anyone. They like my cat so much they keep coming to visit him. Lol its great.

I don't feel well. I think I might be pretending to fight off an ear infection, one of my toes wants to fall off, and my now unbroken finger still isn't normal. Plus my stomach hurts. I want to go to sleep.... and just continue sleeping... for a long time... like maybe until its over. What's over??? Everything, all of it. Until the end. So that I don't have to deal with it. Worry about it. Pretend its all ok. Because sometimes its not. But I usually can't say when its not. I can mutter about this and complain about that... but I can't go.. hey ya know what, I hurt today, help. Ugh. I can't give into that, because then someone might know that I'm not ok. Not that everyone doesn't know anyway. But they might begin to know more of the extent of it. And now, now I remember thaty I have to always be able to come around from it, and never give into it completely, because then my mom would know I am not as well adjusted as I pretend to be, that she screwed up as much as she has the occassional suspicion that she did. And I honestly don't think she would live through that. If I told her what a mess I really am. And that its all her fault, because she is the mom. Thats a scary thing to realize when the walls threaten to close in sometimes. That you simply can't allow them too, because then you will have that on your eternal soul as well. For some it might be a strengthening thought, and I guess sometimes it is, but sometimes its just another thing to add to the list, of things to worry about that are not me. And I know I'm selfish, and I don't worry about others nearly as much as I should, but thats because it just becomes exhausting. I groomed the horse today. Monday Audrey told me she thought he was gaining some weight back, which was good. But then Monday he didn't eat, and yesterday he didn't eat.. and today he didn't eat. Today he wouldn't even eat his apple when I was grooming him. He took two or three little pieces and spit them back out again. And he has lost alot of weight since Monday. I think they may have to have him euthanized. So I spent some extra tlc time with him after I finished grooming him. Poor old boy has had a long, usually hard life. He's the only one who knows everything he has been through. So I gave him lots of hugs, and scratched his face alot, thats one of his favorite things. I knew he wouldn't be long for this world when I started grooming him. Not because I started grooming him mind yoiu, but simply because he is so old. I will be sad. Euthanasia is always a sad thing. I guess after doing my job for 5 yrs though, you tend to let it roll off of you fairly quickly. Sometimes, it happens and you don't even batt an eyelash. Oiy. "Go and be happy" is my closing thought. I read it in the book I am reading. How simple and yet... I struggle to wrap my mind around it. It is stuck there for the moment. I keep thinking about it. In context and out.

Yay!! One of the kittens I was fostering has been adopted. It was being picked up just as I walked in the door from work. 1 down 3 to go. I sitll have the other 2. They might be moving to a sotre to be adopted out tomorrow, but I am not sure. When I walked in the door, Freddie wandered out into the hall way looking for the kitten. He was wondering why he is missing one now. But now he seems to be relaxing, adjusting so quickly to having two to look after instead of 3. He likes playing dad or big brother I think. He does a good job at it, and takes to it so naturally. He would have made a good father. Although its good that he was neutered before he could breed, as he came from a small colony of feral cats. And his father never would have allowed him to breed anyway, Tom was far too much king of the roost and bossy to allow such a thing. A ladies man he must have thought of himself, as none of the other male cats were allowed to touch the female cats.Cat heirarchy, how interesting and ever changing.

It's one thing to have a lot on your plate, its a whole other thing to have so much on yoru plate that the plate is ready to break in half, and stuff is falling off the sides. I was working my tail off on Tuesday from 7 am until 9 pm, and then i picked up dinner, and drove home, which took another hour, it took me 10 minutes to wolf down a half cold calzone, pull off my boots, and promptly collapse into a near coma. I guess it serves me right for not doing much of anything productive at all on monday. But oh well, I needed a day to relax, between work, and the farm, and grooming the horse, and taking care of 3 foster cats, plus my own pets, I was beat. Things are still busy busy, but should be getting relatively normal and situated some time in the almost near future. Once we are back up to a full crew at work, and the kittens are gone, things will be that much easier. I haven't found time to go to the gym in weeks. I feel bad, now everytime I do walk in they always give me a look and ask me where I have been. Makes me want to avoid them, and even less likely to go! I guess I just have to suck it up, and find time to get there. I have the time, Its just that that 45 minutes I am usually using to sleep, or spend with my cat, or stop by the shelter, or get to the farm early or whatever. I will have to figure it out, becdause I do want to keep going. And I don't want to pay $30 a month and then not use it. I don't like to waste money like that. So I will ahve to figure it all out. Yippy skippy.

Animal Rescue/Welfare/Sheltering/Care, ... (maybe not rescue, but I don't know what to call it), can be a job, it can be a hobby, it can be a way of life. It can be all three, none of the above, or some combination. For me I think its some combination of all three. I work at an animal shelter, so very clearly its a job. I volunteer at a theraputic riding facility(so I can be close to the horses), have pets of my own, so it is a hobby as well. I take home animals that need extra tlc, I am fostering 3 kittens for my landladies, I take care of their horse, so its also a way of life for me. Some people at work see it as just a job. Other people see it as just a job, but think that other people should be devoted whole heartedly to it. I think I'm kind of the only one who really looks at it as all three. Or maybe others look at it as all three, only instead of focusing so much on the shelter, focus more of their attention on other aspects of it. I don't know. I konw that we all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses, and we probably all are subject to being the one that a couple of the others are griping about. Things seem to get rather catty at times. I wish there could be less moaning and groaning behind each others backs, and more open, outright communitcation. It would help us all do a better job, we would get along better, all be that much less stressed. And if I were being told what people's gripe with me is, then atleast I won't be sitting here wondering wdhat they are thinking, what they are saying to each other about me. The underlying reason I would like more open communication seems selfish, and it is, although it has a perfectly logical aspect as well. Hmmm, how very interesting.

Just got home from picking up some dogs that came up to our shelter from West Virginia. Had to go to Connecticut to pick them up. The trip should have been about 3 to 3 1/2 hours round trip... It turned out to be more like 5. Ugh, there was traffic and construction, it was pretty wretched. Although I got to borrow a van that had a radio. Which made the entire trip very very nice, because it sucks driving 5 hours with no radio. Lol, I'v been there done that, it gets a little crazy. Found this really cool radio station in CT too that I would love to find a sister station too in RI. I don't know what kind of music its called, but its all like native american flutes and percussion and basically stuff that you could meditate too or do something else on the spiritual sort of nature. Its great backround music, and there are almost no commercials. And there were no songs that really went against my grain if you know what I mean. You know, when your listening to something, and there is just a song or two that you can't stand to listen to because it annoys you. Yeah, there was none of that. It was cool beans daddio. I crashed at a friends house last night. I didn't realize how badly I needed to have a girls night until I was there, laughing away, and realizing that I felt 100% better than I had 45 minutes earlier as I was driving there bawling my eyes out. I guess I just needed a few jokes from some friends and a few shots of captain morgan to get over the blues. lol. I'm fostering these three kittens, about 5 wks old now, they live in a rabbit cage near my bed. They were in teh cage all day yesterday, and all night last night, plus almost all day today. I got home, let them out while I went to go pick up the dogs, and then I put them back when I got home so freddie could have some quiet time, and because I am going to bed soon. They are freaking out. Pushing up against the bars and screaming and such. They want out. I will liet them out in the morning before I clean up all the messes they made. Not those kinds of messes, but just general messy things, like kibble spilled around, and litter tossed around and such. They will be adopted in a few weeks though. Anyway, good night and good riddance.

I'v been waking up sad the last..... few days..... maybe into the last week or two. Thats how it starts, I find myself sad when I wake up, and then it continues to follow me into the rest of the day. Then it starts waking me up randomly in the early early morning, between 2:30 and 5:30, just wake up crying, depressed. Waiting and hoping morning will come soon so I can get up and be active and pretend to forget about it. Then I won't be able to drive without crying. And then I will be depressed everytime I am not immediately doing something else, smiling, pretending to be ok. Thats where the cycle goes. I'm not really sure how to prevent it, how to stop it in the phase its in, how to reverse it, or skip ahead to the being numb and being "ok" part. How to skip all the bad steps in between. I don't know what it is that has me waking up sad. I just know that when my alarm clock goes off, and I get up and am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and doing whatever it is that I do before going to work, I am sad. I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do before everything is really completely and totally hunky dory and dandy. Just down right ducky. Maybe real people never actually get to that part. But I think, I think, I believe that there are people who don't do this. Who are ok almost constantly. And I think that those people are actually the rule, not the exception. But I'm not sure. And I don't know how to find out. And even if I did find out, what would that mean? Probably nothing. Then I would just know for a fact that I am screwed up instead of normal, which is simply an opinion, a belief instead of a fact at this point.

I was at work on Tuesday, and two people came in and asked me "what happened to that chow", referring to Cubby. And both people remembered me as the girl who wanted to adopt him, who was so in love with him, that he was always introduced to everyone as "Megen's dog". Both people who I hadn't seen since last summer when they came into the shelter, both came in at different times on the same day. And both asked about "that chow". One lady just looked at me and said she doesn't know how I can live with so much sadness everyday. I found thta very interesting. And then 15 minutes later an older couple came in and told me how "it must be soooo much fun to work here". I was exasperated, and just sort of looked at them funny and was like.. Uhhh, well I guess sometimes. I didn't know how to tell them how sad it can be, how tiring and frustrating and all consuming it can be. Oh well, I Possibly messed up by not just going, "yeah its great I love it", and by not being able to expalin why I wasn't saying that. *shrugs* I am fostering these three 4 wk old kittens for my landladies. They are living in a spare bunny cage in the livingroom/bedroom, for the last coupble of days. I let them out for play time when I am home. Freddie hated them at first, and now he is on the floor trying to play with them. It's pretty cute.

Ok, so more on what I was saying earlier, as I was so kindly interrupted. My whole life would be different, and I would still be looking to fill some void, that Freddie, Gita, and Cubby simply couldn't fill. I would not be able to volunteer 3 days a week at the farm, I wouldn't have been able to move out, I wouldn't have a good relationship with my cat. I wouldn't have been able to go to the conference for work, or to any of the parties that I have since gone to. I wouldn't have been able to go to friends houses for the night, and I wouldn't be able to ... do a lot of different things. I miss him. I feel guilty about not adopting him. I have his picture framed on top of my computer monitor. It's the only picture I have that is framed or on display. I hesitate to get attached to any other animals. But I understand how different things would be if I had adopted him. Just something I have been thinking about. May 16th will be the 8th month since he was euthanized. Destroyed. I just don't know.

I was thinking, if I had adopted the dog, my dog, The Cubby-Bear Dog, my whole life would revolve around taking care of him, and keeping him safe, as well as keeping him out of situations where he could possibly be aggressive.

The turtle ate, and ate well today!!! I put some more of the worms in the tank, dropped them right in front of him, and onto the plants that are in there. The turtle went right down (after fighting through the plants for 10 minutes) and gobbled some up! And he is still looking for more to eat. LOL. He is a little slow on catching them, they drop right on top of him, and then slide off and slip under the gravel. And they are quick when he tries to take a chomp. Jump right out of his way. My toes are cold and my face is hot. I'm so confused. lol.

Love's the only house, big enough for all the pain in the world Ouch I hurt. It's probably just pms bullshit, but I'm sad, and lonely, and weepy. :-( The tears just roll down my face, fall out of my eyes, without much provocation, and I do nothing to stop them. Gggrrrrrrrrrrr! I want ... I don't know, I just don't know, I don't know. I want something real, someone real, someone, something tangible, in arms reach, I want to be able to tell soemone when I am sad, when I am crying, when I need a hug. I don't want to stay alone in my misery. And I don't just want someone who I can do this with, but I want to be able to do this, to actually have the ability to go up to someone when I am sad, and saying, help, I am sad. What is so fucked up with me that I can't do that?! Funny, I found something out a few weeks ago that explains a lot. My mom didn't not love me when I was younger, she simply played head games with me, so that I would think she didn't love me, didn't care, so that I would cling to her more. It worked like a charm. And I never knew it, not until I was talking to my cousin a few weeks ago, and she mentioned it. Wow, no wonder I have issues.

Our new executive director wants to do things by the books, payroll wise. She wants people being payed for all hours they are there and everything. We are all shocked. Today she jokingly threatened to fire me if I didn't take lunch or a break when she told me to. Haha, cus thats insubordination. A boss, ordering someone to take a break, or to take lunch...?? Shocking I know, especially in our field. We are still trying to adjust to her, she is sooooo different than the director who we just... errr.. who is no longer being the director. LOL. My mom called every number on the lotto just before they came up a few weeks ago. I was like, "Damn mom, you could be one of the commercials for why its necessary to always buy your ticket" Yay!!!!!!!! The turtle is eating! I don't know if he eats any of the turtle food, or the live worms that I put in there, cus they go hide when I drop them in the water. But I see him eating the live plants that I put in the tank yesterday. Woohoo, I was getting concerned.

ohhh I'm a tired girl this evening. I went to the gym today for the first time in 2-3 weeks. It was good. And I cleaned some, and took care of the horse out back, and then went to the Theraputic riding place. I got to lead the horses for two lessons, out on trail rides. Just got home a little while ago, to find my turtle (still not named) stuck half upside down in the corner of the tank. I thought he was dead, when I dropped him back in the water, he didn't do anything. No swimming or anything, just got pushed away by the filter. So I pulled him out of the water and put him on his rock, thinking I should just throw him out, and feeling bad, but I had to be sure, and then I'm watching him sit on the rock and I thought I might have seen him move his head. But I wasn't sure, because it was so minute, and when you want a dead animal to move, you can always see them move. (or atleast thats been my experience) Anyway... So I leave him there a few minutes and then he starts really moving... just his head at first, but then finally he got up and walked around for a minute and then went back into the water. So tonight I have to rearrange the tank, so he doesn't get stuck tomorrow while I will be gone for 14 hours.

Oh and I think its a painted turtle, although he doesn't have the red stripes on his back/body yet. But they may develop with time.

I went to and returned from the conference in NH. It was fun, and I learned a lot, and had a chance to talk to alot of other shelters. It was good. My car made it all the way there and back without trouble! Wooooot! This girl was volunteering at the shelter today, and I had her take a dog out for a walk. She found a baby turtle on her way back. Its cute, about the size of a quarter. So she brought it back to the shelter, because it was just sitting on the side of the road, and somehow, I now have it. In a few minutes I will be running over to walmart to pick up some supplies for him. I don't know what I will be naming the turtle, or how long I will keep him. He is in a mixing bowl with some water, grass, and a small bowl upside down to provide him something to climb on to get out of the water at the moment. I don't really have any where handy to keep him, but I will make room. I'm torn between keepoing him and letting him go, so I will keep him for now. The we will just see how things go. Ok, I'm gonna go run and get his supplies now, I just had to come online and do a little research about what he eats and all that fun stuff.

Woohoo!! I went out to feed Bear, the horse, this evening. He let me go over him with a brush, and pick his feet, without putting his halter on or tieing him up. He just stood there and let me do it! Ah thats so exciting, specially since he is known to not pick up his feet for you, and for making you chase him to put his halter on so that you can tie him to groom him. And when I was done, I was able to get him to go into his stall without having to bribe him or fight with him, or use a lead rope or anything. Maybe he likes me? I hope so.

My computer randomly decided it didn't like my mouse, or my mouse randomly decided it didn't like my computer, or my rabbit actually managed to damage the mouse wire when he bit it, but either way, my mouse died. The computer kept telling me it didn't exist any more. But I got a new one, and its working wonderfully thus far. Woohoo.

There is this ... want to self destruct I guess that is always threatening to over take me. To just curl up somewhere half out of consciousness forever. You know that feeling that you get when your laying on the beach or something? And your yees are closed, and your warm, and you can hear everything going on around you, but it all seems so far away, and your kind of drifiting around aimlessly inside your head, inside your own little world. Sometimes I want to succumb to that, and make that everlasting. To never have to come too. To just stop existing. I don't feel this way nearly as often as I did, but its still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and catch me by suprise. I took Freddie out on his harness again today. I knew I shouldn't have trusted it. I was carrying him and he was ok, but then there was just too much sensory input and he began to panic. So I put him down and tried to press him to the ground, but I wasn't quick enough, and he hit the end of his leash and gave a quick wriggle and was out of the harness. He went aoround the front of the house and got up on the step, but when I approached he got off the step, looking for another door I guess. I quickly unlocked the door and whistled, Thankfully he came back and saw the open door and darted inside. I almsot lost him. He could have run into the road, or gone over the fence, or gone into the back yard with all the other animals. I could have spent the next week trying to locate him, and keeping an eye out on the road to make sure he wasn't catsplat-crow treats. Oiy. It was scary.

Cudo's to Jen for the test here.... how the hell I got this response I haven't got any clue. LOL

Hey dude, you are the typical stoner kid. Put down
the bong and pick up a book once in a while.
Try the Yellow Pages --look up Rehab.


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ok, One more for today. Although these are going to post with this one first, and the other two following it, but if you flip todays around, this would be the last one, not the first. Anyway.
I have taken over the grooming of my landladies horse, Teddy. Today I had to bathe him. It went pretty well. It took me like nearly two hours to bathe and brush him though. I was freaking out there forever. But thats ok. I feel so at peace when I am working on horses. To the point where, even now that I have regular contact with them, when I drive past the different horses on the way to my mom's house, I want to stop and be with them. I don't know why they put me at such peace. Maybe I should find a way to work directly with horses. Its gotta be a hard field to break into (as is any) without any real, quality experience or training. And its another job that I am sure can be hard on the body and on the mind, depending on what the horses you work with are used for. And the only way to make any money in the field is probably to be in the business end of it, or the management end of it, where you will spend more time doing paperwork and dealing with people than you will dealing with the horses directly. I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as a perfect career for me. LOL. *shrugs* Oh well. Too bad so sad I guess. I'll get over it. I always seem to. hahaha

I saw HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES today with my little brother. Oh man, what a creepy movie. Definatly an original. LOL, I'm not saying it was bad, I'm not saying it was good, I'm saying it was... interesting. I don't mind horror or suspense, but this one had me going, "Oh jeepers" and covering my mouth through half of it. Why my mouth and not my eyes or ears?? I dun have the slightest clue. LOL, oiy I know, I'm odd.

I want to know how its possible that I get charged and additional $10 in taxes on my phone bill, which is only $13? So my bill, which would only be $13 turns out to be $23, for unlimited local calling, (which I don't even use, but its mandatory to have). And then I have my long distance bill, haha which is only like $5. Ugh, thats the one that I will actually use. I just don't get it. Shtupid phone company. Or maybe we are all the shtupid ones, and they are the smart ones, for getting us to pay for what we don't even want.

I went and saw Phone Booth last nigt. It was pretty good. Its the first movie that I have seen probably in over a year where I didn't check my watch. LOL. Apparenlty I am extremely antsy during movies usually, to the point where my friend was wondering if I simply didn't like watching movies. I like to watch movies. I guess I just don't like to sit still. LOL I think I might try Freddie outside on a harness tomorrow. Depending on the weather, and depending on how he does if I let him out into the hall on it first. Litltle baby steps, or I could screw it up and he could get spooked and he could take off. I don't trust the harness mroe than 75%. The rest has got to be me being able to keep him ok and in control. Its a lot easier to walk a dog than a cat. LOL. Atleast if you have a dog spook on leash you can usually work through it without being attacked. If Freddie spooks I will have to try to catch him, and if he is scared enough he may very well tear me up. I don't know. Maybe I will start with Gita, as Gita is much easier. And tends to be much less nervouse. I also trust Gita's harness more, because Rabbits are not as adept at getting out of harness's as cats are. I'm taking care of my landladies horse now. I went out on wednesday alone, and the cow didn't try to kill me. Woohoo. I had to groom the horse in his stall because it was raining, and the fur tends to stick a lot more if it is wet. Plus, it takes like an hour, and when I went out there, he was already in his stall. I didin't want to drag him outside and make him stand in the rain for an hour. Poor old thing.

I was watching the news today, and they say that even with the slumping economy, and the unemployment rate climbing, there are some fields that are still creating new jobs. Not that I am in need of searching for a job, as I am pretty secure in mine. My previous boss freaked out when my landlady called him for a reference, as he thought she was calling for a job reference. LOL, she called me the next day and told me that she had to spend a few minutes calming him down, and then he called me and yelled at me for giving him a heartattack. Even though he has been replaced, the president of the rescue league has pretty much told one of my friends that the manager or I would have to probably physically assault someone, or start stealing the petty cash to be fired at this point. But, I don't allow this to give me too much security, as the future of the league itself is still in question. But anyway, I seem to have gone off on a tangent here. The point is, that on the news, they said that anything regarding healthcare is still growing. There is a need for something like 40,000 phlebotomists across the country right now. Phlebotomists are the people who draw blood. I had been considereing that to begin with, and now I hear on the news that they are always looking for more, and the idea seems to be getting better and better. And phlebotomists make more money than I will at the rescue league. The problem is that previously, when I had looked up phlebotomy classes, they are full time classes for 3-4 months, and I would have to quit my job to take them. Ugh, I can't afford to do that. Phlebotomy is certainly something to keep in mind though. My car is in desperate need of either some rather pricy repairs, or in need of being retired, which would put me in need of a new car... again. I want to take Fred to the vet, as his ear was itchy, and he seems a little wheezy, but not bad enough to make me rush him to the vet. And the vet very well may laugh at me because there may be nothing wrong with him, and I could just be paranoid. I also need to take Gita to a good bunny vet, and get him neutered. Oiy, I'm below the upper and above the lower, I'm stuck in the middle where $$ gets tight, but it looks like I'm doing alright

Its so nice to have a friend who I can be crazy with, and who I can be so open with. I mean, I still keep a lot of things to me, but to have a friend IRL who doesn't seem to judge me, and who I am comfortable around is such a nice thing. It had been such a llong time. Its nice to be able to be me, and to not feel like I am holding sooo much back, and to not feel so stuffy and repressed. Ahhhhh the sweet taste of freedom lol.

Ask just about anyone, and they will agree, I am definately atleast a little crazy. But when I think of my general mental health now, compared to how it used to be, now it is so much better. There is a girl at the farm that takes lessons, and she reminds me a lot of me. I don't know what she does theraputic riding for, exactly what her problem is, but I know that if she has the issues that I had/have, she has a long rode ahead of her. I want to savce her from the work, which I can't. I used to hide in myself, because I was sure that no one could like me. So if I never did anything, never said anything, then I someone would have to like me, because I wasn't giving anyone a reason not to. I was so meek. Last night at the farm I had to bring a horse out to his field, and because it was dark, and a way from the barn, the teacher sent another volunteer with me. This guy, who I really haven't spoken with. Ya know, he's real quiet, and I'm real shy. So anyway, its like a 5 min walk each way. And he asked me a question, and I just started talking. And it was easier than it used to be. Originally I would have just been real quiet and evasive. And then I started trying to speak to people. It took a long time, and I'm not miss social butterfly who could carry on a convo with a wall without a problem, but its a lot easier than it used to be. And I find a lot of myself slipping through almost immediately. Just sort of telling them Hi heres how I am. Sorry if you don't like me because of it. I needed someone to like me, someone to love me, for me to like and love me. And I am beginning to think its possible. Maybe I'm not so terrible after all. I am far from perfect, but am I the worst person in the world? I'm beginning to think, maybe not. And its a start, a step in the right direction. So cheers to being able talk to a cute guy, and cheers to a little bit of mental health. Woohoo. LOL

The farm is good. I like the farm. I like the people on the farm, and I like the horses. I like being able to work with the horses, and how nice everyone is. This evening I was told that I can come down and get some horsey love any time I want. I don't have to only come down when they have me on the volunteer schedule. Woohoo. I know "horsey love" may sound a bit odd, but Pthththtththtthh to all of you who think bad thoughts. Which is way cool. Means I can shoot down there on Wednesdays now, and on the weekends now that it will be staying light later. Ahhhh golly. It would seem the farm is about as addictive as the shelter is. I would love to be able to have a horse or two or a bunch some day. To take riding lessons and all that good stuff. Its something I have always wanted. Its rather far fetched though, I fear. Ah well, I will just have to continue to make sure I have places where I can go for some good, quality horse time. LOL

Whats so wrong with being happy....March 16th came and went, and I didn't even notice until a week later. I didn't even think "hey the 16th is coming up sometime soon" before. I guess it just goes with the territory of healing, is not noticing any more. I guess thats a good thing. I still think its going to be a very long time before I ever fall that hard for an animal without being able to take it... or without choosing to take it. After all, I was technically able to take Cubby. I simply chose not to. Although the decision was far from simple, in any way of the word. The decision was very tough to make, it took a lot of gut wrenching thought, and more than a few tears and hysterical sobs. The desicion was also multi faceted. It had many sides, many reasons, .... many excuses. Blah ok enough for now.

Before we had officially gone to war with Iraq, I was thinking. (ohhh shocking and dangerous I know). I was thinking of almost how convinient it was. We have had a slumping economy since Bush became president. He has tried a few different things to get it to perk up. Even cut taxes and sent us all the difference from our previous tax return. I can't even imagine how much money that cost him. WE anyway, he tried these different things, to no avial really. Here we are, more than halfway through his term in office, and still having trouble. Economists say that war is good for the economy. This is not something they keep as a secret. Now I am not saying that the only reason we declared war was because of a slumping economy, as all wars are extremely multifaceted. I am mearly saying that it is yet another reason for prowar from the governments standpoint. Talking this over with a friend, and antiwar person, she said that it takes years for anything to show an affect on the economy. Even war. I believe she was wrong. We were officially at war for maybe 3 days when I heard it on the news brief..."The stock market is seeing its best week in over 20 yrs." "Oil prices are dropping, have dropped more this week than they have in any one week ever, it won't be long before we see the results of those falling prices at the gas station" And then they asked about what other great affects the war would have on our economy. Years to affect the economy... It looks like all of 3 days to me. So I am not "Prowar", but I am not "Antiwar" either. Do I like the idea of being at war, or of killing a bunch of people, or of our government over throwing the government of another country. Nope I don't. Do I like the idea of a countries government led by someone who will have his own son assisinated, or that uses torture on its citizens for no reason. (Torture is wrong in any light, but is slightly more forgiveable in certain circumstances, such as when the person is a criminal and the life of other innocent people hang in the balance, although I am still not for it) Or of a governement who is not going to go along with the UN, not because they feel they don't need the UN, but because they don't like the rules of the UN, such as getting rid of weapons of mass destruction? No, I don't. I don't know the right answer. One smart thing Bush said, (again I know, Shocking) is that we will be foolish to assume that Sadam will change from how we know him to be. I use the term know loosely. I am all for giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they show that they don't deserve it. But the average person doesn't have control of an entire country of people. Of an arsonal of weapons that can harm or kill hundreds/thousands of people. Do I think Sadam should be dead? I don't have enough information to make the decision. But I do believe that he should not be in charge of a snail, never mind an entire country.

Wooohooooo! I got some good news Tuesday. Me and anohter girl from work one a full scholarship to a conference in New Hampshire in the end of April. Hotel costs and conference fees. I am so excited. We were going to get ot go even if we didn't win the scholarship, but for the two of us it would have cost the shelter a few hundred dollars. So its nice to know that we get to go, and get to offset the costs. Woohoo! Our exective director was fired two a few days before we got the news, so thats sort of a bummer not to be able to tell him, but bah. It would seem that the board who fired him didn't actually know all fo what his job entailed, and so there is no one really who can properly train the interim director, or the one that will be hired in 3 months when the interrim director leaves. It would seem that the board might have been a little hasty in the termination of the previous director. As far as I know, he wasn't even given 2 wks notice or anything. So things may be a beit interesting as we proceed forward with no one really sure who to call or who should be paying the bills or who should be picking up the cash box weekly. :My face is itchy for some reason. blah. Things feel off today. I am not sure why... just something is amiss it would seem. Tomorrow I go and have my finger x-rayed again. hopefully he will tell me that it is healed. I think it will still take a little while for it to function completely normally thouhg. I still can't straighten it all the way. The top joint just won't flex up. But I can almost make a tight fist again. It gets a little sore if I try to lay it completely flat though. I don't know. I will find out more tomorrrow. Woohoo I might not be the quieen of all typos any more... may have my position reduced to typo princess or dutchess instead. Would be nice. I am typing with it now... its still a little off, but with each word it gets back iinto the swing of things. LOL. Who knew a finger could be such a paiin.

Ms P O Jones: ooh- i meant to tell you
Ms P O Jones: saturday morning amy's all "i really like megen. i'm so happy we got to hang out with her. she's such a nice person and she's so genuine, and she seems to be opening up more to me and that's cool!"
Ms P O Jones: amy was like, raving about you! we love you megen, you're so much fun!
SSmilingsuicide9: awwwwwwww
SSmilingsuicide9: stop yer gonna make me all weepy
SSmilingsuicide9: lol
SSmilingsuicide9: well i8 love you guys too
Ms P O Jones: lol, awwww. I just thought i'd pass some compliments on your way.
Ms P O Jones: we've got to get together more often, all of us. and sara too!
SSmilingsuicide9: most definatly

The above was a convo between me and a frioend who i met throiugh work. AWWWWWWWWWWWW I have the coolest friends in the whole world! *runs ioff and cries some* sorry i just had to put that herer so that i have somewhere to look when i need to remember that i do indeed have friends.

I was thinking about the offer that my cousin gave me to move in with her and her fiance' and a mutual aquantince sometime over the summer. At first I said yes. I like to have a lot of time to think things over really thouroughly, because I need time to consider all of thge pro's and cons and such. I didn't really have that chance, as I was on the phone with her and she sort of suprised me. And at first I thought that I was pretty sure that thats what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. I liek to be able to come home to my cat being happy to see me, and getting up ion my lap, to the peace that I know I will have.. or atleast sometimes to the wanting and liking, not sometimes to the having, to having my own mailbox, that no one else is going to touch, and so I am the only one who will loose my mail. To having my mess and only my mess to look at, and to clean. To only having my own phone fcalls to answer or return, and not to have to deal with anyone else taking or not taking messages, or loosing the phone. Or leaving lights on. Or having the TV on too loud. Or having people over when I am too tired to change and be presentable. Only my own guests to keep me up at night when I have to work the next morning. Life with them, back in that house, means... more space to move. A shower big enough to shave my legs in, a bath tub if I want to take a bath. A quieter neighborhood. A nice place to take relaxing walks before or after dark. Here there is so much traffic, and so many street lights, the walk wouldnt be any fun, and would be significantly more dangerous. To have more than 200 sq ft. of room to move around, and for Freddie top have more room to move around inside, plus a nice yard outside. It also means much more social interactions. To get to be included more often, even if it only by default. It also however means, parties on nights when I have to work in the morning. Lots of visitors. Having other people have a lot of access to Freddie. Having people loose my mail. Or wake me up. Or interrupt me on the phone. It means having other people take messages for me, and me having to take messages for other people. It also means having other peoples dishes to do, and other people's mess to clean up. And other people to check with if I plan on doing something in the house. It also means less bills (all utilities included except heat), and less rent (by $125 a month). It also means a lot of things. It means moving back into that house that I dreamed day and night every day since I was 8 of leaving. It wouild be different and better, but I fear I am like my mother in my avoidance of places that have bad memories. If my cousin was to call me today and tell me that her mom isn't going to move out after all, I dopn't think I would be sad. If my aunt does move, and the house is for rent, will I still agree to move in? I am not sure. My cousing and I were supposed to talk last week sometime to discuss some of the details, but she never called me again. And I am in no rush. May things look different to me in another month or two? Of course. I may be turning myself inside out for human companionship by then. Right now I am ok because I just had a fix on Friday. But only time will tell for now...

It was time to change the template again. I really liked the one that changed colors, but I needed something new. So here we go.

Ahhhh! My computer is being difficult. The last two times I have tried to post something here, it some how gets erased befor I get to post it. It could have something to do with the fact that I am sitting on my bed, holding the keyboard on my lap or on a pillow, and especially with the broken finger, am likely to hit the wrong key/button. I can't be bothered to retype either thing right now, as my back is getting sore from sitting like this, and so I need to move. I guess anyone will just ahve to talk to me directly to hear about my drunken slumber party or my dream about the dog. Or I will just wait until the motivation strikes me again.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

I can't seem to sleep the night without waking up atleaset once to check what time it is. I'm not really sure why. My cousin called me the other day. She wants me to be roomates with her, her fiance', and a freind. My aunt is moving in June, and she wants to rent out the house. My cousin and her fiance' are moving back in, and they wanted to offer me a room there as well, before offering it to someone else. I told her I would probably move in. I will do that in September, if everything goes as they are planning at this point. Move back into the house that I only just moved out of? That I have been dying to move out of since I was 9? Seems crazy, but now it will be different. I will actually be living there as a roommate, instead of someone to be put up with. Instead of a fledgling who hasnt't left home yet. I like my new apartement, I like my landladies, and I'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor woohoo, but I think that the social aspect of taking my cousin up on the offer will be great. That is the main thing that caused me to say yes from the gitgo. Maybe I will finally get that life I have been thinking of getting for so long now. LOL. Ahhh, it never ceases to amaze me how much I long to conform to the normal social life, and whdat I might do to try and grasp it. But I want friends, I want to go to parties, and I want to go out and have fun. I want to be with people, instead of being the social hermit that I am. As I thought it out more, I also realized that it will ahve a great financial aspect as well, as the rent is less, and most of the utilities will be included. I hope that moving back to that house doesn't cause my hair to start falling out again. I like not having to worry about how much I can catch when I shower. Am I making the right choice? I think so. Worse comes to worse and I will realize that I will never really be included, and I will look for a new apartment again. And its possible that my aunt won't really move, that there won't really be a room for me in September, and that I wdon't really end up moving out of the place I just moved into. Only time will tell.

:*( don't hit the excape button if you haven't saved what you want to post on here. :*( boohoo+

Ugh, I have to go to the doctor. I don't want to. I was good and actually called information and got the number. Thats a step in the right direction atleast. I still have to get around to actually calling them. Ha. I told myself back in December that if things weren't alright by Feb 1st, I would call... its now March 5th. Talk about procrastination. It hasn't been ok since July, I mean what can they tell me? I don't think they are going to chalk it up to stress. I am significantly less stressed now than I was, and I have been less stressed for a month now, long enough for my hair to stop falling out in clumps, so if it was stress, things should be better by now. I don't dare think of what it could be, I am too young for it to be the only thing I can think of. I dont' mean the whole "i am too young to be this old" bit, I mean, they say that people under certain ages almost never ever have it, or atleast this kind anyway, or a similar kind? I don't know. I just know that they aren't going to examine me and go "oh don't worry, its just from a lack of iron or donating too much blood or some such thing, and all you have to do is this or that and tada everything will be ok." Ok, so they might say that, or something similar, however, I just don't see it. Then I think of something that I heard once. Almost all ailments that adults suffer from are from neglect of themselves. From major procrastination to get little problems taken care of. I just have to call them. And go. But I don't think I can afford it if I have to go for any testing. I have no health insurance. Its $335 just to walk into the express care unit at the hospital and have my finger looked at. That guy didn't even do anything! I can't even imagine how much it will cost to have tests done. Jeepers.

I watch the news, there are terrorist attacks all over the place. And yet, while other people lilve in fear, unsafe leaving their home, unsafe staying in their home, I will go to the gym, go to work, go to the store, and go to the farm. I will sit and eat and ponder and read and worry, without anything overly significant to worry about. What right do I have to feel bad when others have it soo much worse.

i am going to be out of books before the end of the year I fear. I have read...3-4 books since i moved. Which to some people doesnt seem like alot, but thats in like a month. I seem to just be devouring them. I started volunteering at a farm that does theraputic riding tonight. I got to watch a class, which eased my fear of having to participate in one. And I got to groom some horses. Woohoo. And Weds night there will be an actual voliunteer orientation, in which we get to practice leading, side walking, and take turns being the rider. Ohhh scary. lol. I was so proud of myself when i picked my first hoof. lol I think I can get used to this barn work and working with horses... and its bound to be good for both my resume', and my physique *flexes a few muscles*

I am reading this book, which is pretty good. Anyway, in the book, at one point it says something to the effect of "Its hard to let yourself love what you know you may never have". I feel so sad. I just want to hide under the bed and cry, and cry and cry some more. And I am not sure why. I am being worn down at work again, it seems to be a spring affliction for me for some reason. I want someone to make the pain go away. I don't want to cry any more right now. Although crying is not worse than not being able too. I am feeling overwhelmed from work beccause it is conflicting. I want to help and give the animals the benefit of the doubt, and give the people who come in the benefit of the doubt, but when your wrong, your oh so very wrong, and it sucks. On the other hand, if you don't give everyone the benefit of the doubt, everyone suffers. Animals get put to sleep, and miss out on their chance for a home. I wish there was a right answer. I am so tired for now. I want some time off, I need a break. But I jsut have to take it one day at a time, becuase I know that I will be ok again in a llittle while, if I just keep plugging along. If I don't think of the never ending-ness of it, then it is easier to deal with all of the little bits. Its also scary because now that we have been turned down yet again by the town, one of the options on the horizon is closing down. Letting the money run out, or giving all of the money to the ASPCA and justr closing the doors. Getting rid of the animals we have through any means necessary, and leaving it all behind. Because how can we operate if we don't have a building? And the town has made it just about impossible for us to get a new building, and the one we are currently in is no good for the animals or the staff. Closing down is of course a last option, and *probably* won't happen, but its scary to think that the board of directors is actually considering that as a plan. For me it could be a blessing or a curse. I am adicted to the place, and have been pretty much guaranteed that I won't get fired unless I really really fuck up majorly. Which means that its going to take some pretty amazing feats to get me to leave the shelter. The shelter closing would do it very effectively. On the other hand, I would then loose the job that I have been at for the last 5 yrs, and the one thing I think I am clearly qualified to do. Which would suck. Maybe I could find a better job that I would be happier at if I didn't work at the shelter, but that remains to be seen. And I know its silly to worry about it, because it probably woin't happen, but still.

This is to Ken. Don;t be a pansy and TELL HER. lol Not like I am one to talk, but come on now, we see how well never telling does for me and it obviously doesn't work. So TELL HER. :-P The worst that can happen is that she doesn't feel the same for you right? How do you know if you don't speak up? Maybe she is having the same exact feelings for you, and is having the same thoughts... "Oh I won't say anything because he isn't saying anything and therefore it wouldn't work..." Stranger things have happened my friend. Where did your message board go? Alrighty, thats all I had to say on that. Don't kill me.

Feb. 16 came and went, and I didn't really notice. Feb 16th marks the 5th month since Cubby. I still have his picture framed, and actually on top of my computer monitor. I still have moments when I think "Oh wait, maybe it was some trick, some dream, maybe he really is ok." I still have times when I get very sad, and feel very confused about it all. But the 16th came and went, and it wasn't an event. It was nothing other than any other ordinary day. I thought of him no more than I do on a day to day basis. I didn't forget, I just didn't notice. I forgot that this had happened one other time, or atleast something vaguely similar. It was again with an "aggressive" dog at work. Rather different personatlity though. She didn't really like strangers, and was timid, rather than being over protective and trying to be dominant. Her name was Rocky. Well, she ended up biting me in a dog fight, and then had to be quarantined for 2 weeks. The week that she got off quarrentine, I didn't work because I had something to do at school. I came in the following week, and noticed she was gone. My first assumption was she had been euthanized. I burst into tears, we are talking hysterical sobbing. (I was 16 or 17 and had a lot of shit going on) I ran into the back and checked the files, and it turned out she had been adopted instead. I still spent the rest of the day crying. Lol. I mourned her for about two weeks good and proper, and then I think I was ok. Humans have this remarkable thing in thei wiring that doesn't allow us to accurately remember pain, either physical or emotional. It is this that allows us to have multiple children, and to have relationships with any other being without killing ourselves. LOL Point being, that I don't remember how long I missed her for, how long before I was completely over her. How long before I could think of her, and not think of my own loss. I understand that this is different because of the Cubby is dead, and Rocky simply got a nice home, and because this time, the choice was mine, where last time it wasn't, but thats besides the point. 4 months is a long time to dwell in the animal sheltering world. But I didn't share my dwelling (atleast I attempted to hide it, albiet not always completely successfully) with my fellow coworkers, or really anyone exactly. I obviously didn't exactly keep it to myself, as is evident by all of the freaking times I wrote about it on here, howeverm I never really hashed it out with anyone the way I really wanted too. The way I yearned too. I wanted to share, because that would make me more human, and because you share your pain with those you love and are close too, so why wouldn't I? Just a glitch in my wiring I guess. And what really sucks, I know, at some point, I will do this again, and again, and yes, probably again. There is no good way to avoid it. You just have go through it, be in pain, forget about it, and then the cycle starts again. Damn life is a bitch and then you die. Jeepers.

I was talking to these two girls at that I work with. One of them had lived and worked in Colorado for a while. She showed me the pictures. It was beautiful. It made me start thinking of going again. It stirred up that desire to run again. When things get bad, I dream of running. Of going to Montana, or Colorado, or Oregon, or Maine. And for some reason, the thoughts hadn't been so strong lately. Until I talked to this girl atleast. I want to go. I want to "meet the coolest people". She said everyone there was nmice, she had a lot of friends. I want that. She also said it was like a big party most of the time. I could live with that also. Get it out of my system or something. Go away, and find everything that is missing in my life here. I try so hard to fill up that emptiness that I feel. I try to fill it with either food, or living things. I want to own every plant I see, and I want to own all of these pets. Because I somehow think that by owning these pets, and these plants, they will fulfill something in me that needs to be loved and needed. It doesn't quite work like that. It was that same feeling that had me get my cat to begin with. And then had me get the three vine plants, which will eventually grow to overtake my apartment. One of them was well on its way of overtaking my bedroom in my other house until Cubby, thedog, broke the long vine that stretched all the way across my room one night. Gita, my rabbit, was for the same reason. Haha. His name is from a book I read about a witch with my name. Gita was her familiar, and loved her soooo much. She was all he needed, her happiness. I wanted someone/something to love me like that. Because somewhere/ somehow, in some fantasy world that I live in, that love wil lmake me better, make me sane, make me whole and full. And I know that going away woiuld be simply in search of that. k However, I fee;l that I will regret not going out of fear. So I sort of decided. I will gie it one year. One more year, and then, if I don't have a compelling reason to stay, a reason that isn't small, orange and furry and named Freddie, I will pick upand go. And to hell with everything else. And it kills me to say that. Especially working where I work. Especially since Freddie is the only reason I got out of bed voluntarily for 3 years. And sometimes still is. I hope against all hope that I will find a way to keep him with me always. :*( But is it fair for me to keep just existing if I can get away and maybe be better for it? I don't know. I hope I don't really ahve to make that choce. I had to do it once with the dog that wasn't even mine, I hat to think that I would even be able to make that decision again.

Oh yeah, and I almost have my computer up and going. I just need to contact the phone company and get hooked up. Woohoo.

AAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it, its time to just have my finger amputated. I broke my right index finger 6 wks ago and have been to the orthopedic doctor 3 or 4 times now. The initial check he splinted it and told me to come back in a week. So I went back a week later, and he exrayed me again and then looked at it and told me to keep it splinted and to come back in 4 wks. So, I went back today, 4 weeks later, after having had my finger in a splint for 6 weeks, and he tells me to get rid of the splint, and now keep it taped to my right middle finger, so that I will start bending it naturally, to follow with the other finger, while still protecting it from being tweaked and rebroken. So I have to keep it taped up for another four weeks. Bl;ah, how annoying. LOL

Ahhhhh Attack of the snowclouds!!!
Yesterday we had a blizzard. We got between 10-20 inches of snow yesterday, with drifts that are like 3-4 ft deep. We are going to be digging out for days. Blah

So much to do, so little time. I always feel so inadequate at my job. I can never do enough. We will always miss something, always fail somehow. There are SOOO many ways to improve our policies and there have got to be ways to keep the animals safer, healthier, happier, and more adoptable. Wauys to screen for people who really shouldn't be adopting. Ways to be better, closer to perfect. We are always treading a thin line between lying (through omission of direct facts) to potential adopters, and scaring them away. If I tell someone, well, the cat bites, plain and simple, they are less likely to adopt the cat than if I say "the cat is friendly and playful and affectionate, however, she can get a little nippy sometimes if you pick her up" I have to make the people understand the animasl, and yet still be interested if the animal would do alright in their home. We need to keep better medical records, we need to spend soo much more time socializing and training both cats and dogs. We need to be better at interviewing people who are surrendering animals, and people who are potential adopters. We need to be better at training our staff and our volunteers. We need to be more on top of ordering supplies and equipment. We need to not get tired, and not get run down and burnt out. We have so much room for improvement. And yet, I feel so bone weary just thinking about everything we need to do. Everything that we can't do, because there are days when not everyone works as hard as everyone else. Where we all feel that someone else isn't pulling thier weight, and so how can we possibly take on more on top of it. If we could get our heads out of our ass's, and all work together a little better, I think we could do a bit more. And we work together fairly well. We get along well. We don't fight, we don't bicker, we don't harbor ill feelings towards one another. And yet, we could do so much better. If only we could pull it together. If only we had more time, more training, more energy, less stress. I feel so bad and so overwhelmed with trying to organize everything, with wanting to organize everything. And I wish I could get everyone else to feel the same... well not the same. But to have the same visions of greatness that I have. The visions of being not a mediocre shelter, not a decent shelter, not a good shelter, but an amazing shelter. They do exist, amnd I want us to be one of them. We have the potential, and for some reason we just aren't reaching it. I want it so bad I can taste it sometimes... and yet, with no support from family or friends, even on just an emotional level, and some lack of cooperation from coworkers at work, I just can't do it. I hurt too much to do it. And for that, I feel guilt. I can't have people in my life who refuse to support my job. The symptoms of burn out are alwayus strong enough on their own, without having someone telling me that I should quit, or I should work less, or I shouldn't have done this or that, because its not fair, or where is someone else to do it, or because they don't think its right. How am I supposed to stay even remotely sane if someone is constantly making me feel bad for what I put in at my job? Hell, that a good part of why I had to move out. My aunt used to get mad at me, mad at the shelter, even when it didn't really affect her. I don't like to think bad thoughts about other people, and very rarely do I think bad things about others unless someone else puts the idea in my head first. Even if its completely justified, I will not benefit from thinking that someone else is not working hard enoigh, or that the shelter owes me. All these thoughts do is run me down more, and run down my coworkers more, because they then have to deal with whatever bad feelings I can't cover up. Life is too short to be angry all the time. Anger wears us down, makes us tired over time. Anger is usually very passionate, which can be very exhausting. And you can only do so much good being angry all the time. And in the end, what does it matter, if you didn't enjoy it? One more, Happiness is not getting what you want, its wanting what you have. hmmm very interesting. And very true.

One of these days, I'm gonna love me, and then I will feel the joy of sweet release... One of these day I'm gonna love me, and maybe at last I will find some peace... And then I will smile a little, and maybe even laugh a little but... one of these days, I'm gonna love me.
Yesterday, and all morning long I had things that I just felt the need to get down, get out. And at the moment, sitting here in the library, I can't remember for the life of me what one of them was at all. Its like a name or a word, on the tip of your tongue, just behind some wall in your mind, that you can't quite get around. I can't even begin to feel it out. The rest of the stuff, I feel I talked through most of it on my way here. And most of it is stuff I have been over before, multiple times anyway. I just keep going back to the same things. I beleive this is what we call... dun dun dun... Issues. Hahaha. I know I need to get control of my life, my thoughts, and my emotional well being. I have moments where everything seems to be a-ok, and I wonder why I ever thought I was crazy, and then I hit the opposit end of the spectrum, where I feel so overwhelmed by feeling so nuts, so psycho, that I wonder when they will lock me up. And I can go from one side of the sanity fence to the other in a matter of ten minutes. Yesterday, for instance, I was driving home, thinking I felt almost just ducky, quite alright, when now, looking back on it, I had been fighting off demons only minutes earlier, and then resumed fighting, opr more accuratly cursing and giving into the demons when I reached my apartment. I hate food, or actually, I hate the fact that I am a slave to the numbing effect food has on me. I need to get control of this thought, this feeling, and learn how to not only get around it, but how to deal with it, and how to make it cease to exist in a healthy way. Not in a "I am the master of building fire/destruction proof boxes in my mind to put things in" way. And I know I have to stop putting everything off. Oh I will get a life tomorrow. I will eat healthy tomorrow, I will start walking tomorrow, I will be organized tomorrow, I will be ok and happy tomorrow. I will love and be loved tomorrow... Just let me have today to wallow in myself and be alone and lonely and miserable. And in a really bad moment, its not tomorrow, it will be monday, or on the first of next month... what am I fucking insane that I want to wallow in my own world of misery and pain for another day, week, month??? Sometimes I wonder. I remember being lonely. I mean, I am lonely now, and I know probably half teh people I talk to are probably lonely. But there is a big difference between being lonely, and being Lonely. The difference. The lonely that I am now, it really sucks. But I know I am not the only one. And I know that I am atleast liked, if not loved byu family and a friend. Before, I was alone. Completely. I would come home to my family everyday, but I thouight they didn't like me. I was a thorn in their side, ,merely someone to be tolerated because they were obligated to tolerate me by blood. And as for friends, I had none. I had a few aquantences, and I had a few online people that I talked to. But as far as a best friend, a real buddy who I could hang out with, and do fun things with, and relax with, they were non-existant. For about 4 yrs there was nothing tangeable. I was a hermit. I pushed away anyone who might have become a friend, even in pretending not to. I joined a school club, was in it for two years, and again, managed to make aquantinces, but no friends in the club. I guess I finally decided I couldn't be like that any more. Because I couldn't handle it any more. I hurt far too much of the time, and all I had to do was talk about someone being happy, or see other people in my classes being happy with their friends to have to actually work to not burst into tears. Things are better than that now... I think. I always want more though. I want to be part of the group again. And this, all of this, was not what compelled me to get out of bed this morning to write. I still am clueless as to what it was... because it hurt, and I can't seem to work up the nerve to dig it out. *sigh* and so I continue in this often mundane existance... always wanting something to be exciting, thrilling, a good story to tell around a campfire, something to say so there aren't too many awkward silences when I try to talk to someone.

Animal loving girl ironically mauled by cow she was trying to befriend
Thats what the headline for the newspaper almost said about me today. Haha. Where I am living now there are a few barnyard animals. They have a horse, a cow (with large horns), a few goats, a ram, and a Llama to name a few. Well today I wanted to go visit the horse. I had to go through the yard that contained all of the other formentioned animals. The Llama is very friendly, all of the animals are said to be friendly. So I get into the yard with all of these animals, and the only one near me is the llama. Thats all well and good. I am keeping a hand on the llama so he doesn't sneak up on me quickly, and because he is following me across the yard. The goats all get out of my way, and as I come around the back of the barn, the cow is standing their next to the horse fence. I say "Hi Betty Davis" because that is the cows name, and she turns and rushes at me!!! I don't know if she was doing like elephants do where they will do a fake charge if you are bothering them, or if she meant to come get me or if she was just being friendly, but I wdasn't gonna stand around and find out. So I naturally run about 10 steps in the other direction, and then stop the panic and turn and put a hand up and say "woah Betty, easy girl". She stops and just looks at me. So I now get behind the llama, so she atleast has to get through him to get to me, and then slowly work my way out of the yard. It took me like another 10 minutes to manuver out of the yard because I had to stay facing the cow, and watch where the llama was as well. When I finally got out of the yard my knees where shaking. LOL. I think I will wait until the landlady is out in the yard with the animals before I try that again. Oiy. Lol it was so freaking funny. All I wanted to do was go visit the horse, and maybe pet the cow and the llama a little. The landladies told me that it was ok for me to go back there, and that everyone was friendly and everything. Jeepers.

Ok so I am still sick. Ugh.

Ugh, I think I'm dying. I feel like someone hit me with a mac truck. When I leave work, I am going to head for CVS and get some dayquill and some nyquill, and then go to get a chocolate shake to choke the meds down with. I never get sick, and even more never take meds, so I am really hurtin. lolI'm almost all settled into my new appartment, got my phone turned on yesterday, although, I don't have a phone yet. It will be atleast another week or two or three before I get my computer hooked up and whatnot. Anyway, its snowing out heavy enough that we are not even opening today, however I have to wait around until noon for a guy who donates a lot of money to us, so he can pick out a puppy. Whoop woo. <--- very sedate lol

This is my last day off living in this house. Ohhh exciting.
The other night I was sitting in the living room with the dog that I am dogsitting. (I am staying at his house until his owner comes home, only come back to this house for visits and to pack on my day off) So I am reading and I finish the story I am on and start bawling. I mean I was crying during the end of the story and whatnot, but now I really start like out and out bawling that you only do when you know you are the only human in the building. And Cocoa (the dog) comes over and sits at my feet and rests his head on my lap. I lean over and sort of drape myself over/on him crying still. He licks me a little and just lets me hang off of him sobbing. And this is a dog that would have been euthanized at any other shelter. He is aggressive with men, and can be stubborn. But he let me hang all over him, and didn't even try to get away. His previous owners are actuaklly still angry and resentful of him, over two years later. Because he is a "bad and spiteful" dog. They thought he was completely untrainable and a bad apple. FUCK THEM! Cocoa is far from perfect, but he is a decent dog. As so many of my "hopeless" ones are. I can't name three people that I have taken that sort of tolerance from while "having a moment".

What Member of Spirit Creek Are You?
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"Family of Ducks Quack Quack Quack!!!"
Nice Ken I love it, and I am really tickled pink that duck was one of the choices for one of the answers for reasons that are completely odd and bizarre and have nothing at all to do with anything else really.

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons... For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness...The above, in bold, is a bumpersticker that I saw today. I like it. On the same car was one that said "I am proud to be myself" I like that one too. Occasionally I see a movie that may or may not be a really good movie, but something that is said in the movie makes me think... sticks in my mind. I watched two movies the other night that both did that. At the moment though I am in thought overload and can't dig it out. :-/ A while ago, I saw the movie K-Pax. I think I liked it. At one point someone says that all people suffering from poor mental health have the ability to cure/heal themselves. Lol, Maybe this is part of the reason that I resist talking to a doctor. I think people who are suffering from an actual "mental illness" are not able to cure themselves. If its a chemical imbalance, then it would need to be treated and usually ... uhh.. I forgot the word.. I just had it... ah yes.... maintained with medication to get/keep the chemicals in balance. However, if its not an illness that a person has, but a mental wound or damage instead, then they can possess the ability to heal themselves. Problem numero uno with wounds... in order for them to heal, they have to be cleaned, and that usually hurts as bad as the original wound itself. This is no different with a mental wound. You have to work through the pain, come to terms with it, and then let it go, occassionally rechecking it to make sure its not getting infected and festering behind a bandage or brick wall of fake happy thoughts. Its a lot of work, and a mighty lonely job when there isn't someone to love you through the process. And I think it can take fucking years. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to fix it. And I never know if I am getting anywhere, or just making it up. I am reasonably decent at making things up as I go along, based on what I know. I do this at work with my job all the time. Someone is having a problem or if I am on the radio show, I just draw on what I know about the animals to invent a possible answer. It works pretty well. I know far less about psychology than I do about animals though. I took a 1 symester high school psych class, and the first thing they told us was that we were in no way qualified to give anyone any kind of psychological help or advice or try to diagnose people. LOL I figured the worst I can do though is dig my own hole a little deeper by trying to dig myself out. The problem is that ever person and every decision that person makes affects so many other people, and so many other decisions. But that is a ramble for another time.

I am dogsitting this week, which means I have lots of time in a quiet house with just a dog and my own thoughts. And I am also moving this week and next, so I may not be around much. Lol, I will be sneaking off to the library to ramble in this whenever my thoughts are completely overwhelming.

I gotta get out of this place...... if its the last thing I ever do...

Woooooohooooooooooo! SCORE!!! I got the apartment, and I told my aunt, and I move in on February 1st!!!

There's an an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in...

I'm never gonna be one of those skinny minnie itty bitty tiny iny women. Never. I could probably nearly starve myself to death, and work out 10 times a week to boot, and still not fit in a size 6. I don't think there is a size 6 in my entire extended or immediate family. I had finally reached a decent balance of food and excersice, and then somehow thouight I should to some crash ultra low carb diet. Yeah that was great. I turned into a raging godzilla bitch whenever anything would be slightly annoying. But hell it took weight off pretty damn fast. Then the 6 wk group ended, and I thought I could relaz and eat normally for a few days. Oops. Lol. Yeah so I live in this world of delusion where that might have been possible for me. Then reality came crashing through and I couldn't do it right. Not the way I dwas supposed too. 6 wks of making people crazy and doing good all down the tubes. Oh well. Now I try to find that balance that I had before. And its hard to find that balance again now that I have messed it up. I will always have issues with food. I am just too messed up not to I think. *shrugs* What else can I do besides go to a shrink, which I have considered. Lol. I just don't think I can afford it.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because
they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown
The above was on someones profile on msn.... I like it, because its very true.

I went and saw the apartment tonight. Its small, as was expected, but nice. The people are nice, and love animals. They have a horse, a llama, a cow, 4 potbellied pigs, a st.bernard, and 17 cats. Wowzers. I am so nervouse. I think I made a fairly good impression, and the vfact that I work for a no kill shelter floats high in their book. But, I am only 21 and I have no previous landlords. So thats sort of negative. She said she will probably have made a decision by Friday. I still haven't told my aunt. The place is furnished already, so I would have to leave my furniture here. Most of the time this would be pretty ideal, however, unlike most first time renters, the furniture that I have really is mine. Lol not my moms. With the exception of the headboard/bookcase. The lamps, bed, bureau, dresser, bakers rack, book shelf, plant stand and plants are mine. Oh well. I will cross that bridge if I come to it I guess. I also sort of didn't have the nerve to ask if my rabbit was allowed. I mean, theoretically there shouldn't be a problem. 1 its on a farm 2. they already allow the cat, and t3. she specified no dogs, she didn't specify no other pets besides the one cat. But it feels kind of sneaky and dishonest. Ugh OI think I am getting an ulcer, and ciatica to boot. Lol

I forgot...... what it was I felt necessary to say... My little cousin is making me angry, I am trying to ignore it, because what he is doing isn't affecting me at all. I feel this anger just welling up inside me though, and I want so badly to turn and yell at him, however I know that would have no positive effect on him, and he would just smirk. Its like a dog, don't react when they are doing attention getting behaviors and they will eventually stop the behavior. The difference is the dogs don't usually send me into a rage. I struggle for control, knowing its the only way I will win. Just take a deep breath and focus my anger into something slightly more productive. Its nice to know I can feel anger again. Lol. Ah I feel better now. Atleast slightly. For a while I just didn't get angry about things. I was too numb, too sad, too tired, and too depressed. I had worked so long at ignoring everything that caused me to feel angry, that I had finally managed to automatically supress all angry feelings subconciously, before I even realized that I had felt anger. Instead I automatically just converted the feelings into some of the other feelings that were already present in such a large amount.

I tried two or three times to write about how I felt about it being 4 month date after my dog was destroyed... oh that word hurts to use... and I keep getting interrupted... the train of thought and pain stop... heh and there right on cue is an interruption. I guess thats a good sign that things are now able to distract me from it.

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. ---Sarah Bernhardt (1844-1923)
I saw that on someone's profile in an msn chat room. I like it, i think.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Recent completion of one or more long-term goals may cause you to pause today and consider what you're going to aim for next. Don't be afraid to be more ambitious than before, dear Libra, because you've acquired an inner power that gives you more confidence and a stronger belief in yourself. It is belief in our own self-worth that confers the faith to move mountains. Don't be surprised if over the next few months, you find yourself moving a few!

Hmmmm... nice.

I have been looking off and on for an apartment for over a year now. Last week I picked up a paper, and saw this pretty cheap furnished studio apartment with off street parking, 15 min. to URI (which is literally only 3 miles from work), on a small farm, heat and hotwater included for $525/month. It didn't say anything about pets, just said non smokers prefered. Nice huh? Well, I am a procrastinator, and and scared to boot, so o,f course, I waited until yesterday to call. Every other place that seems decent that I have called in the last year has either been already rented out, or they don't allow cats, even though it doesn't say that in the add. So I call this add, totally expecting the same thing. First she tells me its not rentec yet, and then tells me a little more about it. Its in a decent enough neighborhood, located about 15 mins from where I live now, there is no scary driving to get there (which is the main reason I haven't called any that are in Providence). So as I am listening, I am totally going back and forth on wether I should even ask about pets. Everyone keeps telling me not to mention it until after I meet the people, that way they can get a better sense of how responsible I am, and its always harder to turn down someone face to face. And it wouldn't be completely wrong to move in wth the cat and never ask if its ok as long as I never sign anything that says no pets, and don't come to a verbal agreement that pets aren't allowed. Althouhg thats sort of risky with a cat, as they could totally tell me to get out or get rid of the cat once they find out. So I ask if they allow cats...


And they DO!!!! I immediatly told the woman that I work at an animal shelter and that he is a well behaved adult cat and he is extra well taken care of and everything. Lol, I mean she said yes, so I didn't really need to try and tell her how good he was and such, but I didn't want her to reconsider or have any concerns. Lol. So I go see this place on Weds at 5-5:30. I'm so excited.

Woooooooooooooo
hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! or as Jen says Woot! LOL